Putting the 'role' back in role-playing games since 2002.
Donate to Codex
Good Old Games
  • Welcome to rpgcodex.net, a site dedicated to discussing computer based role-playing games in a free and open fashion. We're less strict than other forums, but please refer to the rules.

    "This message is awaiting moderator approval": All new users must pass through our moderation queue before they will be able to post normally. Until your account has "passed" your posts will only be visible to yourself (and moderators) until they are approved. Give us a week to get around to approving / deleting / ignoring your mundane opinion on crap before hassling us about it. Once you have passed the moderation period (think of it as a test), you will be able to post normally, just like all the other retards.

Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

Elzair

Cipher
Joined
Apr 7, 2009
Messages
2,254
Vaarna_Aarne said:
16-Page15.jpg

WHAT

THE

FUCK!!!!11!
 

DriacKin

Arbiter
Joined
Oct 9, 2008
Messages
2,588
Location
Inanescape
The Horse said:
Hang on for a thrilling update I have named "I fly around and do stuff!" It should magically appear in the thread tomorrow. It'll be awesome.

Where's the update? You promised an update 'tomorrow'. That was like 6 days ago.
Damn cocktease.
:(
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Hey guys. I just wanted you all to know that I've been dead for a while so I couldn't update the thread. I fell asleep in the water trough after eating some brown hay and when I woke up they had already made spicy chorizos out of me! I'm just lucky they left my head and tongue intact so I could tell you about this. The update that I promised like eleven years ago will have to wait while I round up everyone that might have eaten my body.

Don't do drugs and fight the french!

Here's a dolphin to cheer you up:

holycrap.jpg
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Previously on Final Fantasy 7 we were reminded about why Cid is the best character in the game. Now join me as I travel around the world in his airship and do stuff!

We start out straight above the Junon complex that we just escaped from.

ff7275.jpg


Just shrug and fly away. That's what Cloud Farrell would have done! Anyway, here's our to-do-list for today's world tour:

1: Fort Condor (last optional battle, get three remelixirs or something i don't care)
2: Elemental materia from Tifa's piano in Nibelheim (if you played it in the flashback fucking ages ago)
3: Shit loot from behind the item shop counter in Cosmo Canyon.
4: P. much the same but in Rocket Town.
5: Cactus Island is a great place to level up if you suck.
6: Useless enemy skill materia from green chocobo at chocobo sage's place OH GOD
7: Not find Cloud.

I'm not grabbing pictures for any of that shit. Instead, this update will focus on 8: prelude to chocobo breeding; the unedible chocobo breeding part wherein I
plants the seeds necessary to
actually eventually
gameshark like an asshole and
get a gold chocobo!!! Feathery penises will soon enter feathery vaginas, oh yes.

But for starters, if you don't know anything about breeding chocobos, and can't be bothered to just look it up on Gamefaqs like I did, then you need to visit The Chocobo Sage! He lives just next-door to The Promised Land on the ice continent.

ff7276.jpg


Now let me tell you something before we start. This guy is not just some random motherfucker, he's THE mother of fuckers. I hate him and wish Tifa could just fucking punch his dick off and feed it to one of the rabid rabbits outside. No such luck though.

ff7277.jpg


His funny gimmick is that he forgets stuff every five seconds or so meaning that, if you want his valuable information, you gotta go outside, fight a couple of battles and then come back inside and hope you fought enough battles that the old fucker recalled what he was talking about. I'm going to recommend that you just look all this shit up on gamefaqs instead but seeing as this is the bestest, most greatest and absolutely awesomest completionist let's play there is I will show you the whole enchilada. Let's roll, motherfucker!

ff7278.jpg


To begin with he doesn't know who the fuck he is and I suppose Tifa isn't one to guess what a senile old hippie living alone with a green chocobo is supposed to be. Luckily he actually do remember that he's The Chocobo Sage after a bit of talking but that was just a fucking frisbee! Let's ask him about his companion, the green chocobo.

ff7279.jpg


Shit. Alright, let's go outside and beat up a couple rabbits.

ff7280.jpg


Four battles later.

ff7281.jpg


Intelligent readers will most likely have figured out that The Chocobo Sage is here to inform you about the different types of chocobos and how to get them. Again, go to gamefaqs instead. Anyway, when Tifa asks where she can find a mountain chocobo, the old fart replies that there are none. Tifa, being top heavy in more than one place, is quick to point out that the old fucker of mothers have one in his fucking stable WHICH NATURALLY COMES AS A SURPRISE FOR HIM!

ff7282.jpg


Fuck. Let's go grind some more!

ff7283.jpg


WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A couple of battles later.

ff7284.jpg


YOU MOTHERFUCKER!

ff7285.jpg


Yeah, just run. If you have a fucking enemy lure materia fucking equip it. If you have a gameshark then cheat so you have sixteen of them or something I HATE THIS SHIT AND WE'VE BARELY STARTED!!!!!!!!!!

Btw, I dumped Windows Vista. She was getting a little bit too needy, y'know.

Aaaaaaanyway...

ff7286.jpg


He informs us that a river chocobo is a combination of a good and a great chocobo on a diet consisting of carob nuts! That's great info, dude, but where can we find good and great chocobos and where are these nuts at?

ff7287.jpg


tifalockhart.jpg
Shouldn't we be looking for Cloud?

No, it's a lot more productive to run around in circles and accomplish nothing.

tifalockhart.jpg
Okay.

A FEW BATTLES LATER!

ff7288.jpg


He also informs us that

ff7289.jpg


Oh fuck you.

LATER BATTLES FEW A!

Alright, what do you get when you mix a mountain with a river?

ff7290.jpg


Spectacular. Anything else?

ff7291.jpg


Where's the fuck did I put that rope?!

CAPS LOCK!

Alright, you were saying?

ff7292.jpg


ff7293.jpg


ff7294.jpg


ff7295.jpg


I WANT TO DIE.

Alright, you were saying?

ff7296.jpg


Yes?

ff7297.jpg


....

ff7298.jpg


OH YOU MOTHERFUCKER I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU YOU SENILE OLD COCK!!!

ff7299.jpg


One rabbit holocaust later.

ff7300.jpg


Yes yes yes?

ff7301.jpg


Yes yes yes yes yes yes I'll just go out and kill more stuff okay?

ff7302.jpg


Fantastic.

LATER STUFF OF KILLING MORE.

ff7303.jpg


ff7304.jpg


Can only be gotten by using a gameshark. Fuck you, old man. I'm outta here.

And that's the Chocobo Sage! Give him a handgrenade.

tifalockhart.jpg
Wait, I want to know where I can get some of those nuts!

Fuck you, Tifa. I'm outta here!

tifalockhart.jpg
But, but...

NO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH! I REFUSE TO PLAY THIS SICK OLD MAN'S GAMES ANYMORE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND, TIFA?! I REFUSE, ALRIGHT!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THA--

AlWright99.jpg
Hello!

Al Wright?!!

AlWright99.jpg
That's me, alright!

Perfect timing! Can you show this young lady how to get some nuts?

AlWright99.jpg
Why... yes, yes I can!

Excellent! Well, I'm off to off to myself. See you later.

tifalockhart.jpg
Bye!
AlWright99.jpg
Alright, give me your hand and I'll place two nuts in--
tifalockhart.jpg
Hey, CS-man! Will a blood sacrifice refresh your memory?
cs.jpg
Oh my yes!
tifalockhart.jpg
Excellent!
AlWright99.jpg
Wait, what?

THREE SUDDEN SCREAMS OF BLOODLETTING LATER!!

tifalockhart.jpg
Alright, now where the fuck are those nuts?

ff7305.jpg


tifalockhart.jpg
Excellent! Anything else?
cs.jpg
I think...

ff7306.jpg


tifalockhart.jpg
Excellent! I'm outta here!
cs.jpg
But... where is my beard? Hmmm....
tifalockhart.jpg
No idea, I'm outta here!

And so am I! I finally escaped Final Fantasy 7 and am now very much dead! Hahaha! I sure showed that game!


TO BE CONTINUED!

In the next update I resurrect briefly to help Tifa find Cloud, and Cid is temporarily appointed the leader of our favorite world saving party of misfits and idiots! See you all then!
 

Vaarna_Aarne

Notorious Internet Vandal
Joined
Jun 1, 2008
Messages
34,585
Location
Cell S-004
MCA Project: Eternity Torment: Tides of Numenera Wasteland 2
Since I always talk about it here, I guess I should inform you all that it appears that Miracleman has been acquired by Marvel, reprints are underway, and they're negotiating with Gaiman and Buckingham about finishing the story.

Also,

MOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRR
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Vaarna_Aarne said:
Since I always talk about it here, I guess I should inform you all that it appears that Miracleman has been acquired by Marvel, reprints are underway, and they're negotiating with Gaiman and Buckingham about finishing the story.
That's old news for anyone who follows CBR or Newsarama. Still, fucking awesome nonetheless.

Also,

MOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRR
Alriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
I AM BAYTOR!

Stereotypical Villain said:
... people actually like playing this "game"? :?
Yes, and we must always be willing to understand and accept such strange behavior.
 

As an Amazon Associate, rpgcodex.net earns from qualifying purchases.
Back
Top Bottom