Official RPG Codex Discord Server

  1. Welcome to rpgcodex.net, a site dedicated to discussing computer based role-playing games in a free and open fashion. We're less strict than other forums, but please refer to the rules.

    "This message is awaiting moderator approval": All new users must pass through our moderation queue before they will be able to post normally. Until your account has "passed" your posts will only be visible to yourself (and moderators) until they are approved. Give us a week to get around to approving / deleting / ignoring your mundane opinion on crap before hassling us about it. Once you have passed the moderation period (think of it as a test), you will be able to post normally, just like all the other retards.
    Dismiss Notice

Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

Discussion in 'Codex Playground' started by Andyman Messiah, Feb 11, 2008.

  1. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
    Messages:
    9,933
    Location:
    Narnia
    ^ Top  
  2. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
    Messages:
    9,933
    Location:
    Narnia
    Chapter 66: Connect The Dots

    Part One

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    Welcome to a special soul-searching chapter of everyone's most beloved jrpg let's play trainwreck thread. Some quick notes for you before we begin; this long story sequence consists of everyone speaking almost entirely in .....-language and will be broken up in three parts, and also hey we're speaking english again! How about that? Let there be much rejoicing.

    Now let's go and understand why this game is on lists for greatest roleplaying games of all time! Alright, let's go. I have a date with an action button. Gonna click the shit outta her.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Is this the inside of your dreams? Or is it... your... subconsciousness? You're searching, aren't you, Cloud? Searching... for yourself... I can help you. We'll work together to try and get the real you back!

    Very well, let's sort through this damaged mind and see if we can't piece together the bestest anime hero ever. Let's start with the North Cloud seeing as the game is, lest we forget ha ha, really fucking linear and won't accept anything else.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] The gates of Nibelheim... Five years ago, Sephiroth passed through these gates...... And....... that's how it all started.......

    FACT: 20% of the entire script, for all Final Fantasy-games, is all dots.

    [​IMG] It connects....... to Nibelheim........?

    Well, OF COURSE it connects to fucking Nibelheim. Jesus on a trampoline, it's the place where shit happened! And the two of you fucking grew up there! Supposedly. Why would this fucking mess not be connected to Nibelheim?! GODDAMMIT, TIFA!

    [​IMG] That's right... It's probably best to start from there......

    GODDAMMIT!

    [​IMG] Let's go have a look, Cloud. I know it's not easy, but I'll be right with you.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Here's the well. And that's Gramp's Inn, too.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] This is the Nibelheim you remember, right?

    Oh sure. A well, an inn and some old truck. Definitely some of my best childhood memories.

    [​IMG] I wasn't talking to you, asshole.

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Sephiroth... and a young, vibrant soldier. Can you tell me again what happened?

    "Cuz lemme tell you how wrong you were, stupid!"

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Five years ago... I saw the real Sephiroth for the very first time. But... to tell you the truth, I thought he was very cold. I remember... I felt something sinister about him.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] No.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] But, I'm not going to hide it anymore.

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] The two that were ordered here were Sephiroth and another person...

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] There's nothing..... I can say... You must find the answer yourself. If you can't, then you..... Take your time, Cloud. Slowly....... little by little, okay?


    To be continued.
     
    ^ Top  
  3. pipka Savant

    pipka
    Joined:
    Apr 1, 2009
    Messages:
    1,351
    Location:
    The Penal Zone
    Okay. I can't stand it.
    I'd tried three times already to read this LP.
    By the update number 2 i stopped every fucking time. I felt as i was loosing some kind of mental stat. Probably intelligence.
     
    ^ Top  
  4. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
    Messages:
    9,933
    Location:
    Narnia
    Is it the game or my lp?
    If it's the game, well, don't worry about it.
    If it's my lp, well, <s>fuck you</s> sorry.
     
    ^ Top  
  5. GarfunkeL Racism Expert

    GarfunkeL
    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2008
    Messages:
    15,463
    Location:
    Insert clever insult here
    YYYYYYEEEEEEHHAAAAAAA-
     
    ^ Top  
  6. Emotional Vampire Arbiter

    Emotional Vampire
    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2008
    Messages:
    6,927
    [​IMG]

    SPOILER: She would. I've seen in on the Internet.
     
    ^ Top  
  7. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
    Messages:
    9,933
    Location:
    Narnia
    Chapter 66: Connect The Dots

    Part Two


    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] That starry night at the well..... And our promise that night... What if the memory was just a lie?
    [​IMG] Don't hurry, Cloud. Don't answer too quickly. Just keep checking all those emotions and it'll come back..... Slowly..... little by little..... Right... like the sky that night..... the heavens were filled with stars..... From the beginning... ok?

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] And that's you. You were so small then. And cute.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Did you imagine this sky? No. You remembered it. That night the stars were gorgeous. It was just Cloud and I. We talked at the well... That's why I continued to believe you were the real Cloud. I still believe you're the Cloud from Nibelheim.

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] No, not memories. A memory is something that has to be consciously recalled, right? That why sometimes it can be mistaken and a different thing..... But it's different from a memory locked deep within your heart..... That's why it must be a fake. If he could recall up that memory.....

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] I say something and you don't remember it..... But you say something, and I remember it too. Then we'll know that's our memory...

    BRILLIANT!

    [​IMG] Talk to me. About anything, some important memory to you..... Now that you mention it, why did you want to join SOLDIER in the first place? I always thought it was a sudden decision you made...

    Did I mention I've given up on this story? Well, I'm doing it *again*. Seriously what the fuck?

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] I thought if I got stronger, someone would see me.
    [​IMG] Someone to notice you? Who?

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG] Me?! Why?

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] It's important to me... I hate to say it, but... It's a very important memory...

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] ......a sealed up secret...... wish...... Tender memories......no one can ever know.........

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Is it...

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Yeah. It was my first time there.
    [​IMG] Was it?
    [​IMG] I only used to look up at it from outside.

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Was that the first day you came into my room? ...that's right. We lived next to each other. But I really didn't know you that well. I've known you since we were children and always thought we were close.

    Two questions: 1, why?! and 2, are you depressed or something?

    Anyway, Tifa shakes her head so I suppose...

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    Too obvious.

    [​IMG] That's right.
    [​IMG] I used to think... they were all stupid.
    [​IMG] What?!
    [​IMG] You were all childish, laughing at every stupid thing.
    [​IMG] But we were children back then.
    [​IMG] I know. I'm the one who was stupid.

    How very true. Seriously, people who point out Squall as the most emoliciously fucked up protagonist in the series don't know shit about Cloud.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Then later... I began to think I was different. That I was different from those immature kids. That then.... maybe....

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] I thought that might happen, so I hung around... I was so prejudiced..... and weak... That night, I called Tifa out to the well. I thought to myself Tifa would never come... that she hated me.
    [​IMG] Yeah... it was so sudden. I was... a bit surprised. But... it's true that we weren't THAT close but...

    THAT close...

    Too obvious.

    [​IMG] After you left town, I really thought about you a lot. I used to wonder how Cloud was doing. I wonder if Cloud was able to join SOLDIER. I started reading the newspapers, thinking that there might be an article about you.

    "Bitches will love me when I'm famous!"

    [​IMG] Thanks, Tifa. Tell Him what you told me, later. He'll probably be so happy.
    [​IMG] Ok!

    [​IMG]

    SUDDENLY!

    [​IMG] This was the day... Tifa's mom...
    [​IMG] The day mom died....

    [​IMG]

    Oh, so that's why you only invited everyone but Cloud!

    [​IMG]

    SU-SU-SU-SUDDENLY!!!!

    [​IMG]

    What the fuck is this about? Your mom just died and you decide to climb a fucking mountain? What the fuck?!

    [​IMG]

    Spoiler: no, she didn't. Tifa's just totally fucked up in the head.

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    So basically, Tifa got crazy when her mom died so she went to the mountains thinking she could meet her mom there and stuff and then when she and the gang reached the rope bridge everyone but her ran off but Cloud had followed her and ultimately the rope bridge breaks down for the quadbillionth time and...

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    A serial killer is born.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] We all thought she wouldn't make it. If only I could've saved her. I was so angry... Angry at myself for my weakness... Ever since then, I felt Tifa blamed me... I got out of control... I'd get into fights not even caring who it was. That was the first time I heard about Sephiroth. If I got strong like Sephiroth, then everyone might...

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] So that was it...... Sorry, Cloud. If I had only remembered more clearly what happened, I could have done something sooner......
    [​IMG] It's not your fault, Tifa.
    [​IMG] But, I remember back when we were, eight! That's it! Now I know! You weren't created five years ago. My childhood memories weren't all made up! Hang in there Cloud! Just a little longer! You've almost found the real you! Let's go back to Nibelheim again......!

    Yay.


    To be continued.
     
    ^ Top  
  8. Emotional Vampire Arbiter

    Emotional Vampire
    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2008
    Messages:
    6,927
    I hope when you're writing down the text for avatars to say you don't skip on dots. This is very important you know. If you didn't have exact amount of dots that would seriously hamper the story.
     
    ^ Top  
  9. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
    Messages:
    9,933
    Location:
    Narnia
    Believe me, I'm taking the dots very seriously. Every single dot has been faithfully reproduced for this lp just to give you, and all my other faithful readers, the very best lp experience time can buy.
     
    ^ Top  
  10. Gragt Arcane Patron

    Gragt
    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2007
    Messages:
    1,864,860
    Location:
    Dans Ton Cul
    Serpent in the Staglands Divinity: Original Sin
    Hell, I do the same! Without it, all the flavour would be lost!
     
    ^ Top  
  11. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
    Messages:
    9,933
    Location:
    Narnia
    Chapter 66: Connect The Dots

    Part Three

    Wanna know kinda what the fuck is going on? Read chapters 19, 20 & 21 wherein Cloud tells his fucked up version of the following events! Or don't. Just trying to help you out, jeez...


    [​IMG]

    Alright, let's do this!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] To the reactor! The Mako reactor of five years ago!

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    This scene and much more can be enjoyed to the fullest in chapter 21. It's Tifa getting thrown down the stairs by Sephiroth.

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    Chapter 21 also has the famous "Sephiroth walking through flames" scene! Don't be a pussy, go read chapter 21 today! Oh, and that's Zack from Gongaga Village and he doesn't give a shit about Tifa's broken body! At least not in this scene...

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] That's right! It was Zack who came to Nibelheim with Sephiroth! But then... where were you, Cloud?

    [​IMG]

    Waiting for Sephiroth to throw Zack out of the boss room apparently.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Yeah... I saw...

    [​IMG][​IMG][​IMG]

    [​IMG] I saw it all...

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Aaarrrgh......who...who are you?
    [​IMG] Mom... Tifa.....my town...give it back...
    [​IMG] Whut?
    [​IMG] I had so much respect for you... I admired you...
    [​IMG] Ok, I die now. Aaarrrgh.

    Oh my, who could this mysterious warrior possibly be?!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] So that's what happened... You WERE there...

    In disguise!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] You were watching me.

    Well, actually he's watching Zack watching you.

    [​IMG] Meh. Details, bee tails.

    [​IMG]

    And that's Sephiroth without a face! Whoa!

    [​IMG] I never made it as a member of SOLDIER. I even left my hometown telling everyone I was going to join, but... I was so embarassed...... I didn't want to see anybody...

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    Cloud Strife - slowest helmet putter onner in the world!
    Tifa Lockhart - blindest not blind girl in the world!

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    Yeah, I think we all get it now.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] ...You came. ...You kept your promise. So you really did come when I was in trouble...
    [​IMG] Sorry... I didn't get here... fast enough....
    [​IMG] It's all right... Cloud...

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    Alright, let's do this! Let's do this! Fuck yeah!

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    Oh well. At least we tried. Huh, Cloud? Cloud?!

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    Whoa! That was fucking awesome!

    [​IMG] Yeah, I'm going to pass out now.

    Alright.

    [​IMG]

    Anything to heal your mind, Cloud. Are we done now?

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Shit, my head... Uh, hello Tifa...
    [​IMG] Oh Cloud! It's really you isn't it?
    [​IMG] Yeah... We finally meet again...
    [​IMG] You stupid jerk! You had us all worried!!

    Way to yell at the mentally handicapped, Tifa.

    [​IMG] Krg!!
    [​IMG] Cloud! What's wrong!?

    You said he was stupid and now he's having an attack. It's simple mathematics.

    [​IMG] Voice... Their...
    [​IMG] I see... We're in the Lifestream, aren't we?

    NO FUCKING SHIT.

    [​IMG]

    Wake up, Cloud and Tifa. Wake up.

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    Tifa Lockhart: Matt Murdock.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] I mean, I didn't really find him. Cloud found himself on his own...
    [​IMG] Awright, I know... I shouldn't have doubted him. But I can't win against you. You're some kinda lady.
    [​IMG] People have so many things pent up inside of themselves... And they can forget so many things......

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Strange...... isn't it...?

    [​IMG]

    .....
     
    ^ Top  
  12. Elzair Cipher

    Elzair
    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2009
    Messages:
    2,247
    Is this what makes Cloud the bestest JRPG "hero" ever? I really don't get it. I have actually played through this game at least three times or so, and I still don't get it.
     
    ^ Top  
  13. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
    Messages:
    9,933
    Location:
    Narnia
    All those playthroughs and you couldn't see the COMPLEXITY or BADASSERY?! Sephiroth thrusts his huge sword into Cloud's stomach and Cloud is just all like "what the fuck is this shit" and pulls it out and lifts Sephiroth up and swings him down into a pool of mako. Goddamn! You never saw fucking Squall do that, did you? I swear, that shit makes Cyan look like a republican.

    Goddammit!
     
    ^ Top  
  14. Vaarna_Aarne Notorious Internet Vandal

    Vaarna_Aarne
    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2008
    Messages:
    34,585
    Location:
    Cell S-004
    MCA Project: Eternity Torment: Tides of Numenera Wasteland 2
    And dat's wai id's teh bestest gaem evar!
     
    ^ Top  
  15. Syraxis Novice

    Syraxis
    Joined:
    Sep 14, 2009
    Messages:
    78
    :lol: I love this thread.
     
    ^ Top  
  16. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
    Messages:
    9,933
    Location:
    Narnia
    Chapter 67 - Optional Things To Do

    Previously! Stuff happened, shit went down, everything went back to normal.

    We rejoin our heroes in the all-important mission strategy war room...

    [​IMG]

    Well, how about telling everyone just what exactly happened. Just in case they actually give a shit.

    [​IMG] I never was in SOLDIER. I made up the stories about what happened to me five years ago, about being in SOLDIER. I left my village looking for glory, but never made it in to SOLDIER...... I was so ashamed of being so weak; then I heard this story from my friend Zack... And I created an illusion of myself made up of what I had seen in my life...... And I continued to play the charade as if it were true.
    [​IMG] Illusion, huh...? Pretty damn strong for a llusion, I'd say.
    [​IMG] I'm physically built like someone in SOLDIER. Hojo's plan to clone Sephiroth wasn't that difficult. It was just the same procedure they use when creating members of SOLDIER. You see, someone in SOLDIER isn't simply exposed to Mako energy. Their bodies are actually injected with Jenova cells...... For better or worse, only the strong can enter SOLDIER. It has nothing to do with Jenova Reunion. But weak people...... like me, get lost in the whole thing. The combination of Jenova cells, Sephiroth's strong will and my own weakness are what created me. Everyone knew that. I'm...... Cloud. ......the master of my own illusionary world. But I can't remain trapped in an illusion any more...... I'm going to live my life without pretending.

    Motherfucking yawn.

    [​IMG]

    Shut the fuck up, you poorly developed character with breasts!

    [​IMG] By the way, Cloud. What are you going to do now? Don't tell me you're going to leave the ship?
    [​IMG] ......I'm the reason why Meteor is falling towards us. That's why I have to do something in my power to fight this thing.
    [​IMG] Good!! Then you're gonna keep fightin' to save the planet!?
    [​IMG] It's like you always told me, Barret.

    OH GOD NO PLEASE

    [​IMG] Oh, uh, you mean that!
    [​IMG] What?

    [​IMG]

    And they all do their little victory dances too. Please kill me.

    Alright! So we have Cloud reinstated as party leader. Fuck. So what was it we were supposed to do now?

    [​IMG]

    Oh right. "Out of the blue" huh? Underwater reactor.

    Well, we won't pick up le materia énorme le tiers in this update. There are a lot of other stuff to pick up, like Tifa's ultimate limit break and final weapon. There are also a couple of neat things you can do here on the Highwind as Cloud. Talk to Cid and he'll tell you what a pain it was to be the leader. Talk to Yuffie and you'll give her advice on how to handle her motion sickness. Talk to the pilot and you'll fucking leave and carry on with the goddamn game. Jesus Christ...

    We start out next to Mideel, which is now destroyed and therefore immediately granted the status of best town in the game.

    [​IMG]

    If you talked to the cunty shopaholic in every shop before Weapon attacked, you can still buy stuff here since she bought everything and desperately needs money to start over. If you didn't talk to her, well, it's not like it actually matters.

    We have a couple of things to do before we go to the reactor. First let's head to Bone Village and dig around in the mud for a hundred bucks.

    [​IMG]

    Yay. Let's revisit Midgar! It'll be fun!

    [​IMG]

    It's my key now. Anyway, things to do here:

    1: see a glitch of Aeris in the church.
    2: hang yourself.
    3: pick up Tifa's ultimate weapon.

    We're going to do number three exclusively.

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    Yeah, kick the shit outta that computer, Cid!

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    The greatest game of all time, ladies and ladyboys. The greatest.

    Alright, now get the fuck outta Midgar and travel over to Nibelheim and play Tifa's piano and you'll get her final limit break. Tifa is thus completed and can fuck the hell off. Vincent takes her place. It's time for the underwater reactor...

    And then, after that... it's the submarine minigame.

    The submarine minigame.

    The submarine minigame...

    The. Submarine. Minigame.

    THE MOTHERFUCKING SUBFUCKINGMARINE MINIFUCKGAME!!

    :D To be continued, it'll be fun! :D


    killme
     
    ^ Top  
  17. ghostdog Prestigious Gentleman Arcane Patron

    ghostdog
    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2007
    Messages:
    10,789
    :Lithuanian hitman takes aim:
    :incoming intercom communication:
    "Stand down, stand down. Let him do the submarine shit. I repeat, let him do the submarine."
    "Yes sir, understood."
    :vanishes Aldair style:
     
    ^ Top  
  18. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
    Messages:
    9,933
    Location:
    Narnia
    Chapter 68 - The Underwater Reactor

    [​IMG]

    Oh no my precious money no please don't take it i need it for mom's surgery stop

    [​IMG]

    YOU are not missing shit, you stupid fuck. But the CANNON sure as hell is missing from the MILITARY COMPLEX! I like to imagine that Cid and Vincent beats the shit outta Cloud after this.

    [​IMG]

    Are you ready for another hilarious stupid shinra soldier sequence?

    [​IMG]

    Oh man this is going to be great!

    [​IMG]

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

    [​IMG]

    THEY WENT THE WRONG WAY!!

    HAHAHAHAHA OH GOD

    [​IMG]

    Dude #1: How 'bout... whoever stays alive, gets to take her out?
    Dude #2: All right! You're on!! But... What if both of us...
    Dude #1: Whoa!! Don't even talk about that!

    FACT: Actual dialogue.

    [​IMG]

    Slut.

    [​IMG]

    Looking kinda spooky there, poorly lit corridor.

    [​IMG]

    Well, here we are then. The Underwater Reactor!

    [​IMG]

    Yup! It's the Underwater Reactor alright!

    [​IMG]

    He sure is!

    [​IMG]

    We sure are too!

    [​IMG]

    We sure still are!

    [​IMG]

    YES FOR FUCKS SAKE GODDAMMIT GAME I HATE YOU SO MUCH

    So anyway, the Huge Materia is picked up and carried away for transportation. Vincent says "we were too late" and Cid swears. In the next screen...

    [​IMG]

    I DON'T KNOW CLOUD WHY DON'T YOU ASK RENO HE SEEMS TO HAVE A BETTER GRIP ON THE ENTIRE SITUATION

    [​IMG]

    Huge Materia in red submarine. Check.

    So ANYway... when Cloud walks near Reno, he's mistaken for a worker and told to give them a hand loading the huge materia into the submarine although we ALREADY SAW IT GET LOADED GODDAMMIT GAME I'M GOING TO SHOOT YOU IN THE HEAD

    Reno then turns around and is all "CLOUD?!" and Vincent is all like "I refuse..." and Cid is all like "I don't work for free!" and I swear to god that if I find a single person who laughs at that I will kill god and force that person to fuck god's dead asshole before I smother him to death with god's enormous ballsack.

    It is one of the most poorly written moments in the entire game and I can't even squeeze out a desperate homosexual joke out of it. Why did they put shit "jokes" like this into the fucking game? Why couldn't they just have Cloud and the gang bust on in and be all like "Yo, Reno! We'll be takin' that there huge ass materia from ya, aight?!" and then Reno could be all like "Yo yo yo, what you sayin' here Goldie? You comin' in here tellin' big bad red Reno what to do? You be trippin'!"

    [​IMG]

    You and me both.

    [​IMG]

    So Reno calls for the Gropemaster 2000 robot, which is about just as threatening as the people that attend comic conventions.

    [​IMG]

    He's going to touch you in your dirty spot!

    [​IMG]

    DAMN! THE SUBMARINE!

    [​IMG] Well, don't worry! There's another submarine over there!

    DAMN! THE SUBMARINE!

    [​IMG]

    Pick up all three treasure chests. Don't worry about the blue boys. They will do their best to not escape in the submarine and will in fact not fight you until you come too close for comfort. Jump into the submarine, fight three more losers and...

    [​IMG]

    Stumble upon three more losers! Now, these three are special. I don't know if you remember, but these are the very same soldiers that helped Cloud way back when with the whole parade and president salute minigame!

    [​IMG]

    They are what's usually called "comic relief".

    [​IMG]

    Choices, choices. Just take them hostage. That's what I do, mainly because I don't care for fighting three more losers. I think you should take every non-violent offer this game throws at you.

    [​IMG]

    Suddenly, Cloud demonstrates one of his many psychological problems, and the translation team's continued suckitude. Honestly, in a better written game the Shinra-soldiers would've fucking killed this claustrophobic idiot.

    [​IMG]

    Vincent here turns completely badass and gives Cloud the hand and tells him to hurry the fuck up because Reno is getting away. Cid, being the mechanically gifted one, starts up the submarine by punching it.

    [​IMG]

    Good. Now pilot the damn thing, you wuss.

    [​IMG]

    By all means read the manual if you suck at pushing a button. Sit the fuck down, Cloud. We're going to get this shitty minigame over with as quickly as possible.

    [​IMG]

    Now, yes, that only took seventeen seconds but that's seventeen seconds I could have spent stroking my penis instead of shooting down a red submarine surrounded by green shit.

    Fuck.

    [​IMG]

    Yes, but SUDDENLY!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] We've no choice but to respond.
    [​IMG] All right... This is Shinra No. 2. Everything is normal.
    [​IMG] Really? Because your submarine is the only one that hasn't sunk to the bottom of the ocean.
    [​IMG] Well, there you go then. Everything is normal.
    [​IMG] Okay, whatever. Return to dock.
    [​IMG] Roger.
    [​IMG] Alright, fuck Junon. Let's go pick up that huge materia and...

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] What?

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] What the fuck are we following orders for?!

    Alright, in the NEXT update we'll get our blocky hands on the huge materia. I think.
     
    ^ Top  
  19. Elhoim Iron Tower Studio Developer

    Elhoim
    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2006
    Messages:
    2,810
    Location:
    San Isidro, Argentina
    Great updates! :salute:
     
    ^ Top  
  20. GarfunkeL Racism Expert

    GarfunkeL
    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2008
    Messages:
    15,463
    Location:
    Insert clever insult here
    I never cease to be amazed by this wondeful game. It truly is the most legendary epic RPG ever made by human minds and hands. Never will it be surpassed.

    :smug:
     
    ^ Top  
  21. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
    Messages:
    9,933
    Location:
    Narnia
    Chapter 69 - insert joke about the famous intercourse position here

    In the previous update we sliced, stabbed and shot our way into the underwater reactor in order to get our hands on a piece of Huge Materia and when we were just about to go pick it up, the game managed to find a way to delay the vital "getting our hands on a piece of Huge Materia" part and this is why we're now, for currently unexplained reasons, going to follow an actual order from an actual Shinra officer and run all the way up to Junon's actual airport for a fucking debriefing. And then this happens:

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    That was Huge Materia #4 that just flapped away into the skies. The game doesn't really tell you this, well unless you talk to someone on the base or in the village under the base. Now, one question: why the fuck did this order go out to a fucking submarine crew? Surely we haven't killed all of Shinra's forces? And surely Shinra could assume we had better things to do, what with those Huge Materia snatchin' terrorists snowboarding around? Why did they just abandon Huge Materia #3? Why did this question suddenly transform into eleven questions? Where are the other questions? These are questions I want answered. Why don't you care about my feelings?

    So after this ENTIRELY POINTLESS ADVENTURE Cloud immediately suggests that it must be headed for "Rocket Town of course!" so I guess that's where we'll go! Well, as soon as we're done

    PICKING UP THE FUCKING HUGE FUCKING MATERIA #3 GODFUCKINGDAMMIT
    DEALING WITH THE SUNKEN GELNIKA
    AVOIDING THE CTHULHU WEAPON
    VISITING VINCENT'S GIRLFRIEND
    SHOOTING HEROIN
    PICKING UP THE KEY TO THE ANCIENTS KEY

    Alright, let's start from the top.


    ALRIGHT HUGE MATERIA ALRIGHT

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    Check.


    ALRIGHT SUNKEN GELNIKA ALRIGHT

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] There were weapons and Materia developed solely to destroy Sephiroth.
    [​IMG] But, it was attacked by Weapon and sunk to the bottom of the sea.
    [​IMG] I can't give you what's here. We're going to deal with Sephiroth. I guess this is our last meeting.
    [​IMG] I won't let you get in my way.

    Now that's some great writing right there.

    After kicking their asses...

    [​IMG]

    ..they teleport away. Alright, loot the place for Cid's final limit break and leave. There's nothing else you need.

    Check.


    ALRIGHT AVOIDING CTHULHU WEAPON ALRIGHT

    [​IMG]

    Check.


    ALRIGHT VISITING VINCENT'S GIRLFRIEND ALRIGHT

    [​IMG]

    CAVE.

    [​IMG]

    TUNNEL.

    [​IMG]

    WATERFALL.

    [​IMG]

    SPOOKY.

    [​IMG]

    ABSOLUTELY.

    [​IMG]

    YES.

    [​IMG]

    NO.

    WHITESCREEN. (no screenshot)

    Alright, kids. You oughta know what a white screen means by now. Yeah, time for another dive into the past! Let's see what Vincent was up to before Shinra got him all movie monstered up and stuff.

    [​IMG]

    NIBELHEIM! THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL!

    [​IMG]

    The perfect place to meet women!

    [​IMG]

    ...and, unfortunately, also the perfect place for women to suddenly run away from you!

    Here's a hint, Vince; check your hair. Seriously. Remove your fucking emo bangs from your eyes! There's only one video game character that can get away with that shit and still manage to look absolutely badassticly fabulous.

    [​IMG]

    See that, Vincent? She picked the guy with two eyes, Vincent. What do you think about that, Vincent? I hope you learned something, Vincent.

    [​IMG] If she is happy then... I don't mind.

    Pussy.

    [​IMG]

    INTENSE CHAIR SITTING ACTION.

    (Yes, that's the entire scene.)

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] I'm against it!! Why experiment on humans?!
    [​IMG] She and I are both scientists!!

    HINT: Read Hojo's line as "I want to do things with her vagina!!" Seriously, it'll make a lot more sense.

    [​IMG] After that, a child was born to Lucrecia... That child's name is... Sephiroth...

    See?

    [​IMG]

    INTENSE LYING ON THE FLOOR IN PAIN ACTION.

    (Yes, that's the entire scene.)

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] LALALALALALALALA CAN'T HEAR YOU LALALALALALALALA

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] I SHOOT YOU WITH GUN.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] I FALL DOWN DEAD BECAUSE OF GUNSHOT WOUND.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] I INJECT YOU WITH SUPERPOWERS NOW BECAUSE I AM EVIL.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] I LIFT MY ARMS UP AND YELL REALLY LOUD BECAUSE OF WHAT HAS BEEN DONE TO ME.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] This body is... the punishment that's been given to me... I was unable to stop Professor Gast and Hojo.... And Lucrecia... I was unable to stop them. All that I was able to do was watch... That is my punishment...

    [​IMG]

    Didn't we confirm that already?

    [​IMG] I wanted to disappear... I couldn't be with anyone... I wanted to die... But the Jenova inside of me wouldn't let me die... Lately, I dream a lot about Sephiroth.... My dear, dear child. Ever since he was born I never got to hold him, even once. Not even once. You can't call me his mother... That... is my sin.

    Right.

    [​IMG] Vincent... Won't you please tell me?
    [​IMG] .......What?
    [​IMG] If Sephiroth is still alive? I heard that he died five years ago. But I see him in my dreams so often... And I know that physically, like myself, he can't die so easily. Please, Vincent, tell me...
    [​IMG] N...
    [​IMG] Yes, Lucrecia... Sephiroth is dead...

    Well, technically that's true. I guess.

    [​IMG]

    Well, that was a delightfully fragmented and cryptic flashback but I'm pretty sure I understood most of it.

    We're going to come back here after fighting a couple of battles, to hear the rest of the story and pick up Vincent's ultimate gear. Then we'll pick up the key to the ancients and go for a ride in Cid's spaceship. See you then.

    Oh and before I forget:

    ALRIGHT SHOOTING HEROIN ALRIGHT

    [starcraft]Ahhh yeah, that's the stuff...[/starcraft]

    Check.
     
    ^ Top  
  22. PlanHex Arcane Patron

    PlanHex
    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2007
    Messages:
    2,013
    Location:
    Copenhagen, Denmark
    You can't just end it there and never tell us who you were thinking of.
     
    ^ Top  
  23. Vaarna_Aarne Notorious Internet Vandal

    Vaarna_Aarne
    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2008
    Messages:
    34,585
    Location:
    Cell S-004
    MCA Project: Eternity Torment: Tides of Numenera Wasteland 2
    It's obviously Squall.
     
    ^ Top  
  24. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
    Messages:
    9,933
    Location:
    Narnia
    It sure is.

    I'm playing it again. I don't care how flawed it is, FF7 can't hold a candle to gardens and seeds and shit.
     
    ^ Top  
  25. Emotional Vampire Arbiter

    Emotional Vampire
    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2008
    Messages:
    6,927
    I wanted to do FF8 LP. But then I thought about all the effort and was like, "meh".

    True story.
     
    ^ Top  

As an Amazon Associate, rpgcodex.net earns from qualifying purchases.