Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

[Andyman Messiah]

Let's make it a month or three.

 

[pipka]

Why does this game take so much time to finish?

 

[laclongquan]

Because he's playing three games at once?

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Why does this game take so much time to finish?

Because I hate.

 

[Mackerel]

 

[Andyman Messiah]

I think the best part is that I wasn't the one who came up with this horse gimmick thing. I guess people want me to be a horse.

 

[Mackerel]

Well, if it's putting a burr under your saddle, then maybe it's time the joke was put out to pasture. It has gotten a little long in the tooth.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Oh, ha ha.

 

[Coyote]

Let's make it a month or three.

You don't want me to bring out the riding crop again, do you?

I think the best part is that I wasn't the one who came up with this horse gimmick thing. I guess people want me to be a horse.

Fortunately, the above question works either way.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Don't worry, friends. I like it rough.

 

[Xi]

Posting in an epic let's play!

 

[Andyman Messiah]

That would have filled me with pride, but unfortunately I can never tell if people are lying to me or not. So I am only filled with sadness.

 

[Stereotypical Villain]

You've got the smile of a horse/British person. Perhaps that's it?

 

[Andyman Messiah]

I'm going to regret asking this but what do you know about my smile? :D

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Chapter 72 - Screaming at the television

IN THE PREVIOUS UPDATE, our heroes sabotaged Shinra's plan to stop Meteor and simultaneously, concurrently, coincidentally and contemporaneuously doomed the entire goddamn planet. Now join me as I take you deep into their usual brainstorming and poetry meeting.

What a bust... But I kinda hoped it'd work.

We've been bothering them as much as we can. But there ain't no other way... Wonder if we've been wrong all this time?

Makes you worry, doesn't it?

OH GOD SHUT UP YOU FUCKING WHORE!!

Cid?

Yeah, makes sense actu--

OH GOD SHUT UP YOU FUCKING WHORE!!

Cid, you were saying?

Yeah, look, I've been thinking... All the time we've been here, lookin' at the planet. I've been thinking about that ever since we were floatin' in the ocean in that escape pod.

OH GOD SHUT UP YOU FUCKING WHORE!!

Please continue, Cid.

I always thought this planet was so huge. But lookin' at it from space, I realized it's so small. We're just floatin' in the dark... kind of makes you feel powerless. On top of that, it's got Sephiroth festerin' inside it like a sickness. That's why I say, this planet's still a kid. A little kid sick and trembling in the middle of this huge universe. Someone's gotta protect it.

PLEASE: Don't think about any of this. Seriously, just don't.
HAHAHA: THE PLANET IS A SICK KID WITH SEPHIROTH INSIDE OF IT!
OHGOD: I want to die.
HAHAHA: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

OH GOD SHU-- oh sorry. Running gag, you know how it is.

OH GOD SHUT UP YOU FUCKING WHORE!!

OH GOD SHUT UP YOU FUCKING WHORE!!

So anyway, Barret eventually asks Cid exactly what his plan is. I mean, it's not that I don't like a good peptalk once in a while but, yeah, I want to know what to do too, man.

Cid's reaction to this is the greatest scene in the entire game. If I already told you another scene was the greatest scene, I lied. Sorry. Here we go, Cid's reactions!

1: Turn around (face right).

2: Look to the left.

3: Look at Tifa('s tits).

4: Scratch head.

5: Walk to favorite spot.

6: Take a seat on the floor, and then tell them

Brilliant. Just brilliant.

It's a good thing that you're THINKING ABOUT IT!! OH GOD IN HEAVEN WHERE IS THY DEADLY FUCKING BOLT OF LIGHTNING TO MY HEAD?!

I swear, some day I'll--SUDDENLY A WEIRD SOUND IS HEARD!

The Planet's scream........ or is it Meteor..? Is it this planet?

......

Uh duhhhhhh...

NO YOU DUMB BITCH IT'S THE PLANET OF JUPITER AND IT'S SCREAMING ALL THE WAY TO US HERE ON THE PLANET OF FINAL FUCKING FANTASY SEVEN LAND QUICKLY WE HAVE TO GO AND SAVE JUPITER FROM JUPITER-SEPHIROTH AND JUPITER-JENOVA!!!

It's our planet right?

YES ITS THIS FUCKING PLANET IT SCREAMS OH NO WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ABOUT THE SCREAMING PLANET??

"Out of the screaming planet we aaaaaare..."

OH GOD SHUT UP YOU FUCKING WHORE!!

Hey, how do we know it's really the Planet's scream?

BECAUSE AERIS AND BUGENHAGEN AND EVERY OTHER PLANETARY EXPERT IDIOT WE'VE ENCOUNTERED HAVE SAID SO. I CANNOT BELIEVE WE'RE ACTUALLY DEBATING IF THIS OTHERWORDLY, PLANETARY FUCKING SCREAM IS COMING FROM THE PLANET--THE PLANET WE HAVE ESTABLISHED SEVERAL TIMES TO BE A LIVING, BREATHING FUCKING THING THAT WE, AS ENVIRONMENTALIST WARRIORS, MUST SAVE FROM THE EVILS OF THE SS - SHINRA & SEPHIROTH!!!!!!!

Yeah, but...

ENOUGH, JUST... JUST... SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FUCKING WHORE!!!!!!!!!!!!

...Alright. Let's go see Bugenhagen. See what he has to say.

You're going to ask him if it's really the Planet's scream, aren't you?

Uh.... well...

GO SIT IN THE CORNER, YOU FUCKING WHORE!!

*one hilarious trip to the Cosmo Canyon later*

Shut the fuck up! Just shut the fuck up!!

Your horse seems rather agitated, Cloud. Better leave him outside.

Wish we could, but we need someone to click the action button once in a while.

The action button?! Why, I have just the thing for that!

Huh?

Behold! The Playstation Turbo Controller!

That's great, old guy, but we're on an emulator.

An emulator?! Why, I have just the thing for that!

Oh shiiii--

Behold! A homosexual pokemon!

I'm not homosexual!

Flappyjack?!

Bubbles!! At long last, we're finally going to catch them all!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


To be continued!

 

[Wyrmlord]

Why is this game so huge? Does it ever end?

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Why is this game so huge? Does it ever end?

Because HI GUYS LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT THING WE JUST DID ALRIGHT BUT LET'S ALSO TALK ABOUT THE OTHER THINGS WE DID OH AND SINCE I JUST FORGOT LET'S TALK ABOUT WHAT WE'RE DOING ALRIGHT AND THEN WE'LL TALK ABOUT WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO ALRIGHT!!

Also: ........

 

[Elzair]

Let's see what is left.
- Trip to Cosmo Canyon - Check
- Trip to City of the Ancients (I think)
- Battle with Diamond Weapon
- Assault on Midgar
- North Crater

You are almost there Andyman. There is only a little ways to go. To celebrate this momentous occasion, I won't even bug you about the Drakensang review.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Pretty much, yes. The game isn't huge, it just takes a long fucking time to play because the characters have to talk about crap everytime.

The Drakensang review is coming, btw.

 

[Coyote]

Fuck yeah, Andyman Messiah updates his LP!

Went back to the first page because I was trying to remember if you said you'd do all the optional shit - you did, by the way... :twisted:

Thanks, people. I'll do my very best to get through this game for everyone. And unfortunately for you, afewhours, I will get Yuffie and Vincent and every other little secret in the game. It's how I was raised. Can't help it.

...but I, for one, won't hold you to it. Hanging on to the last shreds of sanity is funnier to watch than completely insane, you see. Anyway, what the hell happened to Marlene? Barret just leave her in a dumpster somewhere?

Also, this is still one of the best lines in the LP:

These are the player characters. From left to right, we have a cat with a megaphone mounting a stuffed animal and oh my god fuck this shit

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Fuck yeah, Andyman Messiah updates his LP!

Went back to the first page because I was trying to remember if you said you'd do all the optional shit - you did, by the way... :twisted:

Thanks, people. I'll do my very best to get through this game for everyone. And unfortunately for you, afewhours, I will get Yuffie and Vincent and every other little secret in the game. It's how I was raised. Can't help it.

...but I, for one, won't hold you to it.

That's good for you, because I have several interesting ways to make you forget. That said, I really don't they can count as secrets. They're more like optional shit that you can do if you really really want to. So that Locue fellow is completely full of shit!

Hanging on to the last shreds of sanity is funnier to watch than completely insane, you see. Anyway, what the hell happened to Marlene? Barret just leave her in a dumpster somewhere?

She's living with Aeris' foster mom at the moment. So yes, basically in a dumpster.

 

[Vaarna_Aarne]

Flappyjack!

HEEEEEELLLLLLLLL YEAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Yeah, about that. To make a long story short, Flappyjack will not be in the next update.

 

[Brother None]

I'd say you need a break, horse, but they don't seem to be helping. Continue the inanity.

The Drakensang review is coming, btw.

Wut? Isn't that game, like, years ago.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

I'd say you need a break, horse, but they don't seem to be helping. Continue the inanity.

The Drakensang review is coming, btw.

Wut? Isn't that game, like, years ago.

This thread is from almost two years ago. It'd be funny if I could have it finished on february 11 2010 but no fucking way.

And about Drakensang, well, ELZAIR wanted a review. You know I live to please that guy. Besides, it's an easy one to write when I manage to motivate myself. It starts out with a real life anecdote about me going to purchase Dragon Age.