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Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

PlanHex

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Dec 31, 2007
Messages
2,018
Location
Copenhagen, Denmark
Might I add that this thread was one of the few that made me register in the first place?

And also: update! you bitch ass nigga?
 
Joined
Apr 18, 2009
Messages
8,268
Location
Gritville
Andyman Messiah said:
I'm going to regret asking this but what do you know about my smile? :D

Pro tip: Lock your windows at night.

Also: This thread was more interesting when Miracle Man comics was being spammed in it.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Stereotypical Villain said:
Andyman Messiah said:
I'm going to regret asking this but what do you know about my smile? :D

Pro tip: Lock your windows at night.

Also: This thread was more interesting when Miracle Man comics was being spammed in it.
I wouldn't happen to know you in REAL LIFE!!! would I?

Also: This thread was more interesting when it didn't exist, so there!
 

BirdsCanFly

Educated
Joined
Dec 8, 2009
Messages
337
Wow. I read through your thread in the last (5?!) hours and I'm impressed. Keep up the good work and don't even dare to think of canceling this LP.


You know what I find most amusing? The english translation is somewhat fucked up, but in the german translation I couldn't even understand what's going on in the Cloud subconscious scene. Srsly. Maybe it's because I was too young (lies) or too retarded. Anyway, nostalgia is a bitch and FF7 is actually the first (j)RPG I've ever played and I still like it.



Now slap me.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
You know what? Don't tell anyone, but I like it too.

Don't worry, I'll finish this pretty soon.
 

Vaarna_Aarne

Notorious Internet Vandal
Joined
Jun 1, 2008
Messages
34,585
Location
Cell S-004
MCA Project: Eternity Torment: Tides of Numenera Wasteland 2
Stereotypical Villain said:
Andyman Messiah said:
I'm going to regret asking this but what do you know about my smile? :D

Pro tip: Lock your windows at night.

Also: This thread was more interesting when Miracle Man comics was being spammed in it.
Miracleman16-06.jpg


Miracleman16-07.jpg


Miracleman16-08.jpg


Miracleman16-09.jpg


Miracleman16-10.jpg


Miracleman16-11.jpg


Miracleman16-25.jpg


Miracleman16-28.jpg


Miracleman16-29.jpg


Miracleman16-30.jpg


Miracleman16-3132.jpg


Miracleman16-0102.jpg


Miracleman16-3334.jpg
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Chapter 73 - All assholes have beards but not all beards have assholes

IN THE PREVIOUS UPDATE, our heroes didn't do anything but talk about useless crap. Now join in on update 73 where our heroes do nothing but talk about useless crap, again. Well, there's also two dragons involved so that'll make the update a little less boring at least, whooaaaa...


cloudstrife.jpg
Bugenhagen, we need your help. Tell us what do next.
bugenhagen_great_dane_02.jpg
What to do? Have you lost your way? When that happens we each have to take a good long look at ourselves. There is always something in the deepest reaches of our hearts. Something buried, or something forgotten. Remember it. Whatever that is, must certainly be what you're all looking for.
cloudstrife.jpg
That's easy enough to say, but I don't remember a thing.
bugenhagen_great_dane_02.jpg
It must be there! Look harder!

What a fucking beardhole! Cloud, call in the rest of the group. We're going to search the fuck outta our hearts.

cloudstrife.jpg
Alright.

ff7715.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Ring a ding ding, hey come up here, bitches.

And up here they came.

I want to mention something before we continue. The following talk-scene is one of the most damaged and disturbing scenes of all talk-scenes in the game. The translation team really fucking showcased their ineptitude with this one. Nothing makes sense. The sentences are a goddamn mess. If there was proof reading done for this game, which I doubt, this is where they fell asleep and just passed it along. I have tried my best to make it comprehensible, because there's no way I'm transcribing this piece of shit conversation as it is in-game. If you want to look at it, find a script file at gamefaqs or something. I don't recommend it, but I'll leave it up to you. Alright, let's continue.

bugenhagen_great_dane_02.jpg
Well, remember anything?
puppet.jpg
Nope, not a thing.
yuffie.jpg
Fuck you, old man.
cloudstrife.jpg
I remember... Aeris... a lot.
bugenhagen_great_dane_02.jpg
Goddammit, Cloud. That fine ass bitch is dead. You gotta move on, playa.
cloudstrife.jpg
Well, I still...
bugenhagen_great_dane_02.jpg
Look, there's plenty girls out there with nice asses who can talk to flowers, Cloud.
cloudstrife.jpg
It's not that...

ff7716.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
She was so close we couldn't see her. What Aeris did... The words she left behind...
tifalockhart.jpg
I was the same...
Redxiii.jpg
Me too...
barretwallace.jpg
Me too.

ME TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

cloudstrife.jpg
She said she was the only one who could stop Sephiroth's Meteor.
tifalockhart.jpg
But Aeris is gone.

ff7717.jpg


barretwallace.jpg
Well, we ain't no Ancients if that's what you mean.
cidhighwind.jpg
Here's a question. Why did she even go to that place?
cloudstrife.jpg
That's it!
cidhighwind.jpg
What?
cloudstrife.jpg
We don't know! What did Aeris know? Why did she face Sephiroth without running away?
Redxiii.jpg
You mean... Oh, maybe she returned to that place again?
bugenhagen_great_dane_02.jpg
Hmm... perhaps I'll have you take me there.
Redxiii.jpg
You going too?

ff7718.jpg


cidhighwind.jpg
Yeah, what's so surprising, dickweed? If the crazy hundred year old beardhole wants to come with us all the way to the snowy wastelands, I say we let him.
bugenhagen_great_dane_02.jpg
Also, I have been here on Cosmo Canyon most of my life. I would really like to get out of this shithole.

ff7719.jpg


ff7720.jpg


Oh Cid, you wacky atheist.

ff7721.jpg


Notice how Cid already walked out? That's a guy I can relate to.

ff7722.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
We're carrying around Huge Materia. It's really delicate stuff and we'd like to keep it safe. I know this place is just full of hippie environmentalist retards but I think it'd be the perfect place for it.
bugenhagen_great_dane_02.jpg
Alright, we'll store it upstairs. Also take this third Bahamut summon materia.
cloudstrife.jpg
Thanks.

NOW LET'S FLY LIKE THE WIND TO THE FORGOTTEN CAPITAL ONCE MORE!!!

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bugenhagen_great_dane_02.jpg
And also teen spirit! I love smells. I can smell anything. Ask me about smelling.
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I DON'T CARE I DON'T CARE I DON'T CARE I DON'T CARE

MUCH SMELLING LATER!

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bugenhagen_great_dane_02.jpg
Well, here we are again!
cloudstrife.jpg
Fuck you.

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yuffie.jpg
That you're a disgusting beardman who should have died a long time ago?

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cloudstrife.jpg
GEE, THANKS A LOT FOR THAT INFO.

ff7727.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Uh huh...

ff7728.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Uh huHHHHH...

ff7729.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Right.

ff7730.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
I said ri--
cidhighwind.jpg
Is that why Aeris went here and got herself killed?

ff7731.jpg


cidhighwind.jpg
You sick bastard.
bugenhagen_great_dane_02.jpg
Oh yes, and when Holy is used, everything will disappear!
cloudstrife.jpg
What?

ff7732.jpg


yuffie.jpg
That sounds like a really bad deal, gramps!
bugenhagen_great_dane_02.jpg
Why? It's really up to the Planet to decide. What is best for the Planet? What is bad for the Planet? All that is bad will disappear. That is all.

ff7733.jpg


bugenhagen_great_dane_02.jpg
I wonder what we are...
cidhighwind.jpg
I'm going to kill this owlman now, okay, Cloud?
cloudstrife.jpg
Wait. So our best chance is to find Holy, right?
bugenhagen_great_dane_02.jpg
Oh yes.
cloudstrife.jpg
Aeris had it...

2568_fmv4.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
.. but she... she...

2569_fmv12.jpg


bugenhagen_great_dane_02.jpg
... returned to the Planet, yes yes.
cloudstrife.jpg
So how do we... oh shit it must be lost forever.... This is the end! Fuck!

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ff7735.jpg


ff7736.jpg


cidhighwind.jpg
I'LL KILL YOU, YOU FUCKING OWL, I'LL KILL YOU!!!

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ff7738.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Can you read it?
bugenhagen_great_dane_02.jpg
How old do you think I am?
cidhighwind.jpg
Old enough to make yourself useful before I relocate your brains to your ass.
yuffie.jpg
Wow, that sounds cool, Cid.

ff7739.jpg


cidhighwind.jpg
I sure wasn't joking.
yuffie.jpg
You better get to translating this shit, old man.
bugenhagen_great_dane_02.jpg
I'm not an Ancient. I can't read this.
cloudstrife.jpg
Then why the fuck did you... oh you trying to save some time, huh? Right, right... Cid!
bugenhagen_great_dane_02.jpg
Wait! I might be old, but I can still see pretty damn well!
cidhighwind.jpg
Yeah, you can see it's in a foreign language, asshole!
bugenhagen_great_dane_02.jpg
Look closely, Cloud. Over there.

ff7740.jpg


Alright, question. How the fuck do you miss a goddamn note? Seriously, I wanna know.

ff7741.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
A key? To what?
bugenhagen_great_dane_02.jpg
I don't know. But it's probably important!
cidhighwind.jpg
Not important enough to save your life, asshole!
cloudstrife.jpg
Wait, Cid! Böghagen, I mean Bugenhagen, what does it mean. Come on, man.
bugenhagen_great_dane_02.jpg
Hmm, well, if the music box... maybe it's the one over there.
yuffie.jpg
Oh hey, a music box.
bugenhagen_great_dane_02.jpg
Yeah, we'll put the key in it. See what happens.
cloudstrife.jpg
Genius!

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yuffie.jpg
Brilliant!

ff7743.jpg


cidhighwind.jpg
"#¤%&!! That's not a fucking music box, that's a fucking stone with some blue shit swirling inside it!
cloudstrife.jpg
Brilliant!
yuffie.jpg
Genius!
cidhighwind.jpg
Shut the fuck up!

When Bugenhagen puts the key inside the... music box... a mysterious waterfall appears!

ff7744.jpg


See?

bugenhagen_great_dane_02.jpg
Go inside it. Hope may be inside it. Or...
cloudstrife.jpg
Or... what?
bugenhagen_great_dane_02.jpg
I don't know. Just go inside.
cloudstrife.jpg
I don't think I want to.

But inside the waterfall he goes! Because we'll be here for another two years if I'm going to fan fiction the fuck out of every little scene in the game.

ff7745.jpg


bugenhagen_great_dane_02.jpg
Look! Look at the image projected on the screen of the water.

ff7746.jpg


Oh hey look guys it's Aeris.

ff7747.jpg


And it looks like they're showing us what we already know.

ff7748.jpg


Fantastic.

ff7749.jpg


This scene is the most memorable scene in the entire game. Why would we need to watch it again? Sephiroth's not even in it!

ff7750.jpg


And there goes Holy.

ff7751.jpg


Into the water, yeah, seen it already.

ff7752.jpg


Yup, there it is.

ff7753.jpg


bugenhagen_great_dane_02.jpg
Ho ho hooo!!! It's pale green!
cloudstrife.jpg
Aeris...

Wait! You're going to hold a monologue now, right?

cloudstrife.jpg
Yeah, I mean... I thought it'd be fitting to summarize what I've learned and... Shouldn't I?

Not only should you, you have to! Just thought I'd warn everyone.

cloudstrife.jpg
Aeris... Aeris had already prayed for Holy. After I gave up the Black Materia to Sephiroth..... Aeris' words came into my dreams.... She said, she was the only who could stop Sephiroth.... And to do that, there was a secret here.... That was Holy..... That's why, she had the White Materia. Aeris knew about here... and what she had to do. Aeris has left us great hope. But it cost her her life... her future... I'm sorry, Aeris. I should have figured this out much sooner. You left us without saying a word.... It was all so sudden, so I couldn't think.... That's why it took so long for me to figure it out... But, Aeris, I understand now...

ff7754.jpg


And all of this pretty much brings our heroes up to date with what most players, I hope, already figured out.

ff7755.jpg


Our heroes are just about to backtrack to the airship when SUDDENLY!

ff7756.jpg


Incoming transmission!

ff7757.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
What happened?
puppet.jpg
You remember when the Junon Cannon disappeared? Actually Rufus moved it.

Yeah, to Midgar. You should know this crap already.

cloudstrife.jpg
Where?

Oh fuck you, Cloud.

puppet.jpg
Rufus wants to use the cannon to destroy Sephiroth. That cannon operates on Huge Materia, but whatever they had was used up in the rocket plan.

Well, actually a daring team of anime heroes took all of it and hid it on a mountain of marijuana.

puppet.jpg
So since the cannon's useless now, he decided to move it.

Why?! If the cannon's useless, and trust me it's useless, why would you... oh forget it!

puppet.jpg
To a place where Materia, no Mako is gathered.

ff7758.jpg


Where the fuck do you think, asshole?

ff7759.jpg


Midgar of course!

Man, I seriously miss that place. We should return there as soon as possible.

ff7760.jpg


ReeveIconFF7BC.jpg
Because I'm mexican? That's hardly fair, sir.
rufusshinra.jpg
You're mexican?
ReeveIconFF7BC.jpg
*sigh*

ff7761.jpg


ReeveIconFF7BC.jpg
...my name is Steve.
Heidegger.jpg
Gya ha ha ha!! Even a monkey can do it, Reeve!!
ReeveIconFF7BC.jpg
*sigh*
scarlet.jpg
Just remember that it's no longer called The Mako Cannon. From now on, it's called...

ff7762.jpg


rufusshinra.jpg
Okay. Why?
scarlet.jpg
Because a chick with a dick is hot!
Heidegger.jpg
I agree!
ReeveIconFF7BC.jpg
*sigh*

Man, what a group of asses with holes in 'em! We better get over there as soon as possible.

Alright, so we backtrack all the way back to the Highwind...

ff7763.jpg


bugenhagen_great_dane_02.jpg
Wow, remember this place?
cloudstrife.jpg
Fuck you!

And we're just about to board the airship when SUDDENLY

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The earth shaketh and quaketh!

ff7765.jpg


What could possibly be causing something so horrible?

ff7766.jpg


barretwallace.jpg
IT'S ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE GUNDAM WING ROBOT TRANSFORMER GODZILLA THING!!
cloudstrife.jpg
Where's it headed?
cidhighwind.jpg
Midgar.
barretwallace.jpg
MIDGAR!! MUTHAFUCKA WEAPON IS GONNA TEAR UP MIDGAR!?
cidhighwind.jpg
Looks that way...
barretwallace.jpg
MARLENE'S IN DANGER! WE GOTTA STOP THAT THING!!

ff7767.jpg


barretwallace.jpg
Aeris' mama... who lives in fucking Midgar, you stupid fuck!
puppet.jpg
Barret...
barretwallace.jpg
No, fuck you, man! She's my daughter!
ReeveIconFF7BC.jpg
Barret! I've been itching to say this to you a long long time now.

ff7768.jpg

ff7769.jpg


Barret Wallace - A fucking asshole, established just fucking now!

ff7770.jpg


Reeve Tuesti/Cait Sith/Deceive - Arguably the most human character in the team, also established just fucking now!

ReeveIconFF7BC.jpg
Protect the planet, huh? Hah! That sounds good, alright. Ain't no one that'd go against ya. So ya think you can do whatever you want?
barretwallace.jpg
I don't wanna hear that from anyone in Shinra!
ReeveIconFF7BC.jpg
Nuthin' I can do about that...
cloudstrife.jpg
Stop it!

ff7771.jpg


tifalockhart.jpg
What we did in Midgar can't be forgotten no matter what the reason. We haven't forgotten, either.
barretwallace.jpg
...
tifalockhart.jpg
I know you, Reeve.
ReeveIconFF7BC.jpg
... it's Steve.
tifalockhart.jpg
You can't quit the company because you're worried about the people of Midgar, right?
ReeveIconFF7BC.jpg
.....
tifalockhart.jpg
Cloud? Do you want to say anything?

ff7772.jpg


tifalockhart.jpg
Note to self: never ask Cloud if he wants to add anything when you're settling a dispute.

ff7773.jpg


We gotta get there as soon as possible! Let's do it!


To be continued...
 

Elzair

Cipher
Joined
Apr 7, 2009
Messages
2,249
Jesus, does this game ever end?

Let's see. He has to fight Diamond Weapon. Then he has to parachute into Midgar, fight a bunch of trash encounters, fight the Turks one last time (optional), fight Proud Clod, fight a three-stage-boss fight with Hojo, fuck Tifa, fight his way through the North Cave, fight Jenova: Synthesis, fight Bizarro Sephiroth, fight Safer Sephiroth, watch a bunch of cutscenes, fight a really easy battle with the real Sephiroth, and watch more cutscenes.

He still has a way to go!
 

BirdsCanFly

Educated
Joined
Dec 8, 2009
Messages
337
... and beat the 2 other Weapons because he said he was going for 100%? :p
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
"1 Sexy Stomach Rule: Obey"

I Cut Down 10 lbs of Stomach Fat In Just 1 Week By Obeying

This 1 Easy Diet Rule
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Chapter 74 - WEAPON, huh? More like "MEH-PON", am I right?!

IN THE PREVIOUS UPDATE, our heroes finally figured shit out. Good for them. Also another one of the planet's gundam wing enforcers rose from the sea and is currently on the way to Midgar, presumably to blow the place up. We have to stop it!


ff7774.jpg


There it is. It's actually really slowly walking towards Midgar. Let's see what happens when it reaches its destination!

ff7775.jpg


Oh right, it stops and roars at us. Oh well, I guess it didn't really want to mess with Midgar after all. Well, let's go fight it then.

ff7776.jpg


TAKE THIS, GIANT ROBOT!!

OW!!

ff7777.jpg


Sorry, man. Alright, everybody out! Let's fight this thing.

cloudstrife.jpg
You're aware that it's like three times bigger than our airship, right?

Are YOU aware that you're just as big as the airship when you exit it?

cloudstrife.jpg
Oh right right...

Let's park the ship over here...

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Alright...

ff7779.jpg


CHAAAAAAAARGE!!!

cloudstrife.jpg
...

ff7780.jpg


Wanna know how to beat this guy in just one word? Omnislash

ff7781.jpg


Look at all that experience and shit! Also look at my levels! I'm a dangerous motherfucker!

Anyway,

ff7782.jpg

ff7783.jpg


I've... no fucking idea. Cid?

ff7784.jpg


Thank god for Cid Highwind.

So with the threat of WEAPON apparently gone, we cut to...

ff7785.jpg


These assholes again.

ff7786.jpg


Shut the fuck up, you horrible excuse for a woman.

ff7787.jpg


Yeah, whatever.

So this is my favorite cutscene. I'm a sucker for pretty lights, shoot me.

ff7788.jpg


ff7789.jpg


ff7790.jpg


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And fire.

Meanwhile...

ff7792.jpg


Seriously, does this matter? You're on a fucking airship and you're hunting a robot that's three times as big. It's direction won't matter at all! Trust me!

ff7793.jpg


Yes, THANK YOU, NANAKI. THANK YOU.

Oh god...

ff7794.jpg


So anyway, there's a fuckton of cutscenes now. Basically what happens is Sister Ray's blast goes through WEAPON and all the way to the Northern Crater, where it manages to pierce through Sephiroth's barrier and shut it down. Obviously this doesn't go well with WEAPON and...

ff7795.jpg


Yeah.

This is another one of my favorite cutscenes. It's the "death" of Rufus.

ff7796.jpg


ff7797.jpg


Yeah, look at that big ass energy blast coming right at ya, boy.

ff7798.jpg


Whoa, that's gonna hurt!

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Whoa, that's gotta hurt!

Alright then. Let's get some victory music in here before it's revealed that he survived completely without injuries.

Next up on the list is checking up on Sephiroth and the Northern Crater, so let's do it.

ff7800.jpg


We all do, Cloud. We all do.

FULL SPEED AHEAD

ff7801.jpg


...which I honestly don't know if it's good or bad.

ff7802.jpg


cidhighwind.jpg
Huh?! Of course it can! With my boy behind the wheels, anything is possible!
cloudstrife.jpg
Oh right, sorry. Well, then let's

SUDDENLY!!

cloudstrife.jpg
I hate when you do that!

ff7803.jpg


Huh?

ff7804.jpg


ReeveIconFF7BC.jpg
Not the President! To Sister Ray!
scarlet.jpg
Ha, ha, ha. What is it Reeve? You're speaking strangely.
ReeveIconFF7BC.jpg
None of that matters! The reactor's output is increasing all by itself!
scarlet.jpg
W-wait a minute! That's not wise!

IT'S INCREASING BY ITSELF!! THAT'S NOT WISE!!

scarlet.jpg
It must cool off every three minutes or it won't work! Reeve, shut off the machine!
ReeveIconFF7BC.jpg
We can't do that! It's inoperable!

SUDDENLY Reeve's cellphone vibrates!

ff7805.jpg


ReeveIconFF7BC.jpg
What?! Who?

ff7806.jpg


ReeveIconFF7BC.jpg
Oh goddammit...


To be continued!
 

Deep One

Novice
Joined
Sep 28, 2009
Messages
32
Oh good fucking grief it's page 68? And that piece of shit game still goes on? Wow.. just wow. :shock: What a bore it must be to play this thing. :lol:
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Don't be afraid to open up while you're on the Codex. Your fly, your wallet, we accept all.

Oh hey I suppose I also finished the game just now. I'll post the remaining updates in intervals so as to maintain the mystery that I'm still busy and bordering on the insane.
 

Andyman Messiah

Mr. Ed-ucated
Joined
Jan 27, 2004
Messages
9,933
Location
Narnia
Chapter 75 - Return to Midgar

IN THE PREVIOUS UPDATE, our heroes fought a toy robot and also Hojo took control of the Mako Cannon. He's clearly up to no good and needs to be stopped before some bad shit goes down! But first let's talk about it.

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ReeveIconFF7BC.jpg
We're sunk. Hojo's doing this on his own.
cloudstrife.jpg
We can't stop the reactor?
ReeveIconFF7BC.jpg
...no.
barretwallace.jpg
You're from Shinra! Why is it impossible?!
ReeveIconFF7BC.jpg
......

ff7808.jpg


ReeveIconFF7BC.jpg
I can't make you trust me...
cidhighwind.jpg
You damn fool! Don't you understand anything I'm saying? I don't give a damn about Shinra! If you're a man... no, if you're a human being you'll save this fucking planet, goddammit!
ReeveIconFF7BC.jpg
If we shut down the reactor, all hell will break loose!

THIS SUMMER!!

Shut up, Caps Lock Narrator.

SORRY.

cidhighwind.jpg
Why? Can't you just shut off the valve?
ReeveIconFF7BC.jpg
Yeah, it's easy to shut off the reactor's pipe valves... But the reactor made a path for the energy to escape below. Once you open that, it'll be impossible to close it until everything blasts out. And we can't stop the energy from gushing out...
cidhighwind.jpg
I have the same problem...
barretwallace.jpg
An explosion!!
ReeveIconFF7BC.jpg
This blast'll be stronger than when Reactor No. 1 blew up!
barretwallace.jpg
Damn!
ReeveIconFF7BC.jpg
Forget about that............ the CANNON! We've got to get to Midgar! That's the first thing!

ff7809.jpg


YEEEEEEAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

ff7810.jpg


YEEEEEEAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

ff7811.jpg


ff7812.jpg


YEEEE-- oh god fucking damn it, I really hope this is where I get to kill you two assholes.

ff7813.jpg


They arrested Reeve. Oh well, we'll break him out on our way to kick Hojo's ass.

YEEEEEEAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

ff7814.jpg


barretwallace.jpg
Now, how the fuck do we get in? The city's under martial law.
tifalockhart.jpg
Yeah, we can't just walk in through the front door.
cloudstrife.jpg
And we can't just walk in through the front door either!
tifalockhart.jpg
Yeah, this is going to be tough! With a big t, Barret. A big t!
barretwallace.jpg
...tough?
tifalockhart.jpg
No.
barretwallace.jpg
Tough?
tifalockhart.jpg
Hell yeah!
cloudstrife.jpg
Maybe we can slip into the city using a wooden horse?
nikkisixx.jpg
That only worked for the ancient greeks.
cloudstrife.jpg
Right, we better build one outta chocobo poop then.
nikkisixx.jpg
...right.

ff7815.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
You're right! We don't have to build a horse! We can disguise the ship! Brilliant thinking, Cid!
cidhighwind.jpg
*"#¤%&!! sigh*

ff7816.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
I still liked our original idea better.
cidhighwind.jpg
Shut the hell up.

After a disappointingly disappointing landing, we reach a conveniently convenient trap door that will eventually lead us to Shinra HQ.

ff7817.jpg


We're going with a party of Cloud, Barret and Nanaki this time.

ff7818.jpg


I'm bored already. Alright, if you don't want any of the treasure (two elixirs) just head down the ladder and follow the path.

ff7819.jpg


Whoa, it's these fucking ass tunnels again. How depressing.

ff7820.jpg


HOW DEPRESSING.

ff7821.jpg


BLAH FUCKING BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAHHHHHHHHH

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i believe it really i do oh you have no idea how much i believe it

ff7823.jpg


Yes, you actually have a choice here. If you did the sidequest in Wutai, Yuffie's sidequest where she steals your materia and you have to play hide and seek with her and crush a pimp with a blonde mohawk if you recall, you get to choose whether or not you want to fight the Turks this one last time. I guess we bonded with them or some shit.

ff7824.jpg


renoturk.jpg
Wait, Elena.
elena.jpg
Reno! You're not going to violate our orders, are you?!
renoturk.jpg
Elena, Shinra's finished. We've no reason to fight.
rudeturk.jpg
....
elena.jpg
...alright.
renoturk.jpg
Goodbye, Cloud. Until we meet again.

ff7825.jpg


renoturk.jpg
If we meet again...
elena.jpg
Remember the spirit of the Turks!
rudeturk.jpg
Our mission's finished.

ff7826.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Huh.

Moving on...

Don't worry, Yuffie'll be here to help you on your way.

ff7827.jpg


Hahahaha, oh go to hell, you fuck.

ff7828.jpg


Thanks, Tifa. I'll just leave you here with this nice waterfall.

ff7829.jpg


Good old Cid Highwind. He won't say which way goes to the Shinra building but he will curse and scream at you. Oh well, since we headed right first, let's head left now and VOI-FUCKING-LA.

ff7830.jpg


Go in there, grab all the treasure you can find and then go back to where you met Yuffie and pick the left way.

ff7831.jpg


SUDDENLY!

ff7832.jpg


Take one fucking guess.

ff7833.jpg


Heidegger.jpg
You sure treated us like dogs before! also gyaa haa haaa!!!
scarlet.jpg
You killed a lot of my precious solders! also kyaa haa haaaa!!!
Heidegger.jpg
Now let's see how you do against anti-WEAPON artillery!!! also gyaa haa haaa!!!
scarlet.jpg
Yeah, let's see how you do against anti-WEAPON artillery!!! also kyaa haa haaa!!!

ff7834.jpg


I'm not going to screenshot the battle with this thing. If you've survived up to this point this is going to be as difficult as jerking off your neighbour. When you beat it, it'll disappear in a white screen and Heidegger and Scarlet are never heard from again.

THANK GOD.

Alright, let's continue.

ff7835.jpg


Say hello to Barret's ultimate weapon. The chest will only appear if Barret is in your party.

Alright, let's go put Hojo in a barber's chair.

ff7836.jpg


hojo.jpg
Oh, the failure...
cloudstrife.jpg
At least remember my name! It's Cloud!
hojo.jpg
Every time I see you, I... It pains me that I had so little scientific sense... I evaluated you as a failed project. But you are the only one who succeeded as a Sephiroth-clone. Heh heh heh, I'm even beginning to hate myself...
cloudstrife.jpg
None of that matters! Just stop this nonsense!
hojo.jpg
...nonsense? Oh! This... Hahaha... Sephiroth seems to be counting on the energy. So I'm going to lend him a hand.
cloudstrife.jpg
Why? Why would you do that?!
hojo.jpg
Quit asking me why, you moron!

ff7837.jpg


cloudstrife.jpg
Uh, okay?

ff7838.jpg


hojo.jpg
My son is in need of power and help... That's why.
cloudstrife.jpg
...your son?
hojo.jpg
Hahaha, although he doesn't know.

ff7839.jpg


hojo.jpg
What will he do when he finds out I'm his father? Always looking down on me like that... HA HA HA HAAAA!!!
cloudstrife.jpg
Sephiroth is your son?!
hojo.jpg
Ha ha ha, I offered the woman with my child to Professor Gast's Jenova Project. When Sephiroth was still in the womb, we took the cells of Jenova, and...

PARTIED LIKE THERE WAS NO TOMORROW!

ff7840.jpg


ff7841.jpg


Cloud?

cloudstrife.jpg
Yeah?

Ponytail.

cloudstrife.jpg
Oh, right.

It's a dead giveaway.

THE MORE YOU KNOW: The ponytail is the hairstyle of choice for all followers of true evil.

cloudstrife.jpg
I should have known.

It's alright. You're stupid.

cloudstrife.jpg
Yeah, I'm HEY!

And now we continue the scene.

cloudstrife.jpg
I'm not stupid...

ff7842.jpg


hojo.jpg
And... hehehehe... here are... hehehehe... my results!

Hehehehe. Alright, you fight Hojo in three stages. First stage is a wussy scientist. Second stage is a wussy monster. Third stage is a wussy wuss. Cut his fruity ponytail off, shove it up his ass, light it on fire and send him down to hell.

ff7843.jpg


barretwallace.jpg
Excellent work, guys. Let's go celebrate.
Redxiii.jpg
I'm buying!
cloudstrife.jpg
Sephiroth...
barretwallace.jpg
Oh right...
Redxiii.jpg
That guy...


To be continued.
 

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