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Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

Discussion in 'Codex Playground' started by Andyman Messiah, Feb 11, 2008.

  1. Elhoim Iron Tower Studio Developer

    Elhoim
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    I thought you were going to take Vincent for some extra dialogue.
     
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  2. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    Probably, but I didn't feel like it.
     
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  3. Vaarna_Aarne Notorious Internet Vandal

    Vaarna_Aarne
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    MCA Project: Eternity Torment: Tides of Numenera Wasteland 2
    Allow me to sing you the song of my people.
     
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  4. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    Let me get behind my phlegm screen first.
     
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  5. Hieromancer Educated

    Hieromancer
    Joined:
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    Messages:
    91
    You know, back when I played this back in those halcyon days of yore I didn't pick up at all how embarrassing most of this dialogue (and lots of other stuff) was. Funny how things work like that.

    Anyway, I think we can all agree you win person of the last two or so years award for trudging through to this point. We're in the home-stretch now!
     
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  6. GarfunkeL Racism Expert

    GarfunkeL
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    Insert clever insult here
    I can almost taste the victory, horsie!
     
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  7. MetalCraze Arcane

    MetalCraze
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    21,104
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    Urkanistan
    You gotta finish this bitch, Andyman.
     
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  8. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
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    Location:
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    Chapter 76 - Full circle

    IN THE PREVIOUS UPDATE, our heroes destroyed Shinra. Heidegger and Scarlet got themselves blown the fuck up inside a giant robot, and Hojo transformed himself into a monster and got himself sliced, diced and shot to death. Also his ponytail was promptly shoved up his ass and lit on fire, as a beacon of hope for all to see until the tragic little man finally disintegrated like the magical collection of stardust he was. Now join us as we do prepare for the final battle with Sephiroth and the strawberry delight that is Jenova.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Nanaki, how long until Meteor falls?
    [​IMG] Seven more days. That's what Grandpa said.
    [​IMG] Seven... Alright, we're gonna beat Sephiroth, release Holy and save the Planet. You all with me?
    [​IMG] Course we are, you fuck!
    [​IMG] But, are we really fighting for the sake of the Planet? Is that really what we're doing?
    [​IMG] ...alright, you lost me.
    [​IMG] For me, this is a personal feud. I want to beat Sephiroth, and settle my past. Saving the Planet... just happens to be part of that.
    [​IMG] Have you been thinking again, Cloud?

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Fuck. Alright, let's hear it.
    [​IMG] I think we all are fighting for ourselves. For ourselves... and that someone... something... whatever it is, that is important to us. That's what we're fighting for. That's why we keep up this battle for the Planet.

    Oh of course, Cloud. I mean, if it wasn't because you actually need the Planet TO LIVE, I'm sure you wouldn't fight for it. Absolutely not.

    [​IMG] You're right... It sounds cool, sayin' it's to save the Planet. But I was the one who blew up that mako reactor. Lookin' back on it now, I can see it wasn't the right way to do things... I made a lot of innocent people suffer... At first, it was for revenge. Shinra destroyed my hometown... But now, now I'm fighting for Marlene. For her future. Yeah, I guess I want to save the Planet for her sake.
    [​IMG] Go and see her. Make sure she's alright.

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    :lol:

    [​IMG]

    I love Cid. I don't care how many times I say it.

    So anyway, let's watch Cloud make his speech completely useless.

    [​IMG]

    Yeah, it's because you have a score to settle with Sephiroth and..

    [​IMG]

    Uh... Suuuuuure...

    Sorry, I just jammed a fork up my ass. I'm going to fastforward until you say something that isn't fucking retarded, alright?

    [​IMG] What are going to do, Tifa?
    [​IMG] Don't tell me you forgot. I don't have anywhere to go.

    And fade out!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Yeah, we don't have anyone or anywhere to go home to.
    [​IMG] You're right.

    Of course he's right! He just repeated exactly what you said a minute ago!

    [​IMG] But I'm sure someday... they'll come back, don't you think?

    Who? What, the other party members? Of course they'll come back. Especially Cid! Shit, it's his fucking airship! You think he'll just leave it with you?

    [​IMG] Hmm... I wonder..?

    What, you really think he'll leave the airship with you? You're outta your goddamn mind!

    [​IMG] Everyone has an irreplaceable something they're holding onto. But this time, our opponent...
    [​IMG] Hmm... but that's alright. Even if noone comes back. As long as I'm with you... As long as you're by my side... I won't give up even if I'm scared.

    [​IMG]

    Oh, will you please just start humping each other already?

    [​IMG] No matter how close we are... We were far apart.... before this.... But when we were in the Lifestream surrounded by all those screams of anguish, I thought I heard your voice...

    [​IMG]

    EMOTIONAL SCENE.

    [​IMG] But deep in my heart, I heard you calling my name... Or at least I thought I did.
    [​IMG] At that time, I heard you calling me... You were calling me back from the stream of consciousness in the Lifestream. After all, I promised. That if anything were to happen to you, I would come to help.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Do you think they see how hard we're fighting for them?
    [​IMG] I dunno, but... Whether they are or not, we still have to do what we can. And believe in ourselves. Someday, we'll find the answer. Right, Tifa? That's what I learned from you when I was in the Lifestream.
    [​IMG] Yeah, that's right.
    [​IMG] Tifa, there's a lot of things I wanted to talk to you about. But now that we're together like this, I don't really know what I really wanted to say. I guess nothing's changed at all... Kind of makes you want to laugh...

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] What do y--

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Ohhhh....

    [​IMG]

    And fade out.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] We should get back to the ship.
    [​IMG] Cloud... just... This day will never come again, so... just, just a little longer. Let me have this moment.
    [​IMG] Alright.

    But back to the ship they eventually went, and...

    [​IMG] Well, looks like it's just you and me then!
    [​IMG] It sure is going to feel lonely without everyone else.
    [​IMG] Don't worry, honey. I'll make a ruckus so loud you'll never even notice all the empty space.
    [​IMG] Oh Cloud...

    ... forgets about everyone else.

    Now let's bear in mind that these two are the dumbest members of the group.

    [​IMG] Ho ho ho, let's go to the bridge and play pilot and stewardess!
    [​IMG] Can I be the pilot?
    [​IMG] Sure!

    SUDDENLY!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] [​IMG] You two were playing pilot and stewardess?!!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Uh... sure. I guess.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Oh my god I don't even want to know what role you played!
    [​IMG] I decided to go into the adult movie industry.
    [​IMG] Oh, it a lot more than that, my friend! Nanaki is going to revolutionize pornography!
    [​IMG] Do I want to know this?
    [​IMG] See, there's this whole, untapped genre with so much potential, just waiting for us to exploit it!
    [​IMG] And this why you're going to save the planet?
    [​IMG] Sure is. I'm going to be a famous and rich pornstar!
    [​IMG] You're a tiger!
    [​IMG] A TALKING tiger!
    [​IMG] Yeah, see, up to this point all the tigers in the Girl on Tiger films have been either dubbed or mute!
    [​IMG] I'll take your word for it.
    [​IMG] But I, as you can hear, have a firm grip on the english language!
    [​IMG] So what's your porn name gonna be, then?
    [​IMG] Red XIII.
    [​IMG] ..huh?
    [​IMG] It's a description for his cock! Jeez...
    [​IMG] ..right. Well, whatever, as long as you'll help save the planet.
    [​IMG] Oh I'll save this planet alright! You can trust on me and my red thirteen inches!
    [​IMG] Great.
    [​IMG] Are they really thirteen inches?
    [​IMG] Tifa, not now!
    [​IMG] Okay.

    SUDDENLY, Tifa realizes something!

    [​IMG] If you three were up here... Were you watching us?
    [​IMG] Well... kinda.
    [​IMG] Sorta.
    [​IMG] A bit.
    [​IMG] Your tits looked spectacular in the moonlight, Tifa.
    [​IMG] :!:

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Might wanna get a room next time...

    Oh, the eternal funny ladies-only shame of sexual intercourse!

    [​IMG] Oh, here comes Vincent! I wonder what he found out there in the world to protect!
    [​IMG] I found a rabbit.
    [​IMG] A... rabbit?
    [​IMG] ... a bunny rabbit?
    [​IMG] Why such a puzzled look?

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] A rabbit is fine. Welcome back.
    [​IMG] Good, I'll go and stand in my usual spot.
    [​IMG] Uh, do you have the rabbit with you?
    [​IMG] No, a gold chocobo ate it so he has it now.
    [​IMG] A gold chocobo?
    [​IMG] Yes. I left it with the guy in the stables.
    [​IMG] Excellent!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Did I miss anything while I was gone?
    [​IMG] Nanaki is going to be a pornstar, Cid and Barret is going to direct.
    [​IMG] And produce, muthafucka!
    [​IMG] Yes, and Vincent caught a golden chocobo.
    [​IMG] Actually it was a rabbit first but the chocobo ate the ra--
    [​IMG] Yes. And that's a--
    [​IMG] And also Cloud and I had sex and everyone here but you and Vincent saw it.
    [​IMG] ....
    [​IMG] ....
    [​IMG] ....
    [​IMG] Sorry I missed that.
    [​IMG] So what did you do?
    [​IMG] Masturbated. Mostly.
    [​IMG] Felt nice?
    [​IMG] Yeah. I'm gonna save the planet so I can keep masturbating.
    [​IMG] Excellent! Welcome back!
    [​IMG] Are you two going to keep having sex in public?
    [​IMG] Mayb--
    [​IMG] Welcome back! Wander off to your spot before I change my mind!
    [​IMG] Okay.
    [​IMG] Man, I haven't jerked off in fifty years.
    [​IMG] Save the planet and you can start a club with Reeve afterwards.

    [​IMG]

    SUDDENLY!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Welcome back, Yuffie. What did you do on your free time?
    [​IMG] I visited my dad.
    [​IMG] That's boring.
    [​IMG] At least I have a dad.
    [​IMG] That's a low blow... :cry:
    [​IMG] Whatever, I'll be on the toilet.
    [​IMG] You mean the engine room.
    [​IMG] Right, I'm going to puke all over the engine.
    [​IMG] Alright.

    [​IMG] Well, I guess you all came back... (fuck!)

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Yeah! We came back to secure our careers as pornographic film makers!
    [​IMG] Whatever! You came back, and that's what matters!

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    YEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

    [​IMG] Oh hey, I just forgot that there was something back in Nibelheim I..
    [​IMG] Too late for that, boy! I just hit the hyperdrive!
    [​IMG] Hyper... drive..?
    [​IMG] HOLD ON TO YOUR DRAWERS AND DON'T PISS IN 'EM!!

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    YEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!


    To be... CONCLUDED?!
     
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  9. Elhoim Iron Tower Studio Developer

    Elhoim
    Joined:
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    Fucking awesome update! I got some really big lols out of this :lol:
     
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  10. Ozrat Novice

    Ozrat
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
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    35
    Location:
    Strawpile
    The horse is wonderful for doing this LP. I must share this in gratitude.
     
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  11. Vaarna_Aarne Notorious Internet Vandal

    Vaarna_Aarne
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    MCA Project: Eternity Torment: Tides of Numenera Wasteland 2
    You know, when you know what impact FF7 later had on porn, I guess the horse just revealed what REALLY happened.
     
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  12. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    Look, they did it for the Planet, okay?
     
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  13. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
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    Chapter 77 - There's absolutely no way I can pass up this great opportunity to end the lp with Chapter 77!

    IN THE PREVIOUS UPDATE, literally seven days before the destinied destruction of the planet, Cloud decided that they all should take a day or two to really think things through before they actually go to finish what they've all been fighting for over the course of two cd's. Thus the entire party left to find their own reasons why it would be a good idea to save the Planet from destruction. Meanwhile, Cloud and Tifa stayed behind so they could have sex outdoors. Anyway, everyone eventually came back with a reason why it would be a good idea to continue living and the Highwind took off for the last time. It's time to fucking finally fight the fuckineously final fight!

    [​IMG]

    Jesus Christ almighty, we've been flying around the world with THAT plastered on our airship all this time? Good lord. Alright, welcome to Disc 3 of Final Fantasy 7. The entirety of it is pretty much just going through the Northern Crater dungeon and killing everything that shows up until the credits start rolling. Let's do it!

    [​IMG]

    Fuck you.

    And also fuck this fucking dungeon and it's wussy enemies and treasure chests at every turn. Fuck that shit, let's skip it. I don't feel like taking pictures of Cloud jumping from one platform to the next. We jump and we jump and eventually we've jumped all the way down here, where the gang is all ready and waiting for us.

    [​IMG]

    Cloud isn't moving at all. Cid is actually the one with the talking animation, you can see him wave his arm around. Either they mixed the two up or Cid is just getting really fucking angry at Cloud. I should know, because I'm angry as fuck at Cloud. Fuck your fucking scooby doo tactics, you fuck! We're not going to split up at all! Fuck the treasures! Everyone is going to head the left way and we're going to walk all the way to Jenova like an united team of dumbfucks, assholes and idiots and we'll fucking see if anyone'll dare to stop us!

    [​IMG]

    Maybe?

    Talk to your friends. They all have one item to give to you.

    FACT: You will never use these items, but if you do you're terrible at this game.

    [​IMG]

    When we move down to the exit, we're given the choice to continue the game or do nothing. Bear in mind that there's no way to get out of here, so there's absolutely no reason why you wouldn't want to continue on.

    [​IMG]

    Mosey? Yeah, for some reason I just can't imagine Cloud saying something like that. OH WELL *SHRUG*!! LET'S MOSEY!!

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    I love Cid.

    [​IMG]

    Yeah, we fucking know who the real leader is, don't we? It's Ci-SUDDENLY!!!!

    [​IMG]

    Golly, it's all the monsters and they're coming right at us!

    Alright, we're going to choose a team of Cloud, Tifa and Vincent to continue the search for Sephiroth and the rest of the gang are to whack monsters.

    [​IMG]

    More jumping. How neat.

    [​IMG]

    Looks like a boss fight.

    [​IMG]

    See?

    Alright, meet Jenova. The first of the three final bosses. She's some sort of... I dunno, woman torso tentacle alien or something.

    [​IMG]

    I'm sure you'll appreciate that I put all my HP- and MP-maxing materia on Cloud. He's basically the only heavy hitter I trust in the entire game. Cid is good but I like him more as a supporting character than a party member, basically someone who can just show up and call everyone assholes and then leave.

    Btw, notice how Tifa sucks? Yeah, she sucks. Same with Vincent. They're what you call expendable. Oh, and I beat all the Weapons off-camera, so Cloud have his Ultima Weapon sword. It looks really fucking ridiculous.

    So how do we beat this monstrosity? Surely there must be some special strategy to it since it's a final boss, right?

    [​IMG]

    ME HIT TENTACLE WOMAN WITH SWORD AND TENTACLE WOMAN DIE.

    That's as special I can make it, I think.

    Alright, now watch as our heroes stand completely still as the platform starts crumbling.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] Should we try moving?
    [​IMG] No, it's surely a trick!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] We're falling.
    [​IMG] No, it's still a trick!

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] We've landed.
    [​IMG] It's a trick!
    [​IMG] Oh shut the fuck up.

    SU-SU-SUDDENLY!!!

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    Oh snap.

    By the power of Holy, it's time to put an end to the white-haired samurai menace!

    [​IMG]

    Let's mosey!!

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    TO THE SETTLING OF EVERYTHING!!!

    [​IMG]

    Shut up, text. Say hello to whatever the hell this shit is. Bizarro Sephiroth. The fight is a stereotypical huge boss fight, where you have multiple targets to peel HP off. Head, arms, core, if you've played a japanese rpg you should know the drill. And if you don't, well, you're a better person.

    [​IMG]

    Yeah, go red and transparent, you asshole.

    NEXT!

    [​IMG]

    This is "Safer Sephiroth". Look into his eyes and tell me if you don't feel something kicking in your stomach after a couple of months. This guy is a total asshole, and I have no fucking idea what he's supposed to look like. I mean, this is just a closeup of his face. Zoom out and you'll see that he has six wing-like tentacles, a single black wing attached to his right shoulder, some kind of... double-gloria thing on his back, he's topless and his white hair is floating AND he can summon down the entire universe on your ass. I hate this shit and I want to go home.

    Omnislash him. The end.

    [​IMG]

    Yeah, now it's all up to the Planet to do the rest, right?

    [​IMG]

    YEAH!!

    Oh you guys have no idea how nice it's going to be to just leave this shit behind me, to have a normal life for a change! I for one intend to make the most of what little time I have left before Meteor crashes into my house and--SUDDENLY!!

    [​IMG]

    OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE, SEPHIROTH!

    [​IMG]

    OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE, CLOUD!

    [​IMG]

    He's not the only one. I thought we'd taken care of this bullshit already? Good lord, just get down there and nudge him with your sword.

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    Yeah, dive backwards! Whoa!

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    Hello!

    [​IMG]

    FACT: This is not a fight.

    [​IMG]

    FACT: Sephiroth is bleeding.

    [​IMG]

    FACT: Sephiroth is exploded.

    [​IMG]

    FACT: Cloud is also bleeding, but only a little.

    Well, that's the end of Sephiroth, at least for now! *advent children*

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] What?
    [​IMG] An answer from the Planet... the Promised Land...

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    [​IMG] But... now what're we gonna do?
    [​IMG] Holy should be moving soon, and that means that this place will...

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
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    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    And so Cid Highwind saves the party from total destruction by pulling the emergency lever.

    Meanwhile, the final outroduction movie is playing. You're welcome to watch it on youtube but my version only has eight frames and is less painful. Here we go.

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    Yup, the game ends where it started, with Aeris' looking mysterious and stuff at us.
    Rest easy, Warriors. The Planet is in good hands. Hopefully.

    THE END

    CREDITS ROLL!

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    Yes, FF7's story was actually based on a story. Not many people know this.

    [​IMG]

    YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    But the lp isn't over yet!
     
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  14. Ogg Prophet Patron

    Ogg
    Joined:
    Jan 14, 2008
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    Codex 2012 Serpent in the Staglands Dead State Divinity: Original Sin Project: Eternity Torment: Tides of Numenera Codex USB, 2014 Shadorwun: Hong Kong Divinity: Original Sin 2 BattleTech
    Bravo! You did it, man! You deserve a title or something. A cookie maybe.
     
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  15. Murk Arcane

    Murk
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    Jan 17, 2008
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    13,456
    wow... you did it. this is... amazing.
     
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  16. Elhoim Iron Tower Studio Developer

    Elhoim
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    Awesome! :salute:
     
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  17. Mantiis Cipher

    Mantiis
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    Jan 12, 2006
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    1,786
    We are not on page 77.

    I am disappoint.
     
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  18. Krash Arcane

    Krash
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    Nov 26, 2008
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    gengivitis
    There's only one way to solve that
     
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  19. Elzair Cipher

    Elzair
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    Apr 7, 2009
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    2,247
    Bravo!
     
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  20. Castanova Prophet

    Castanova
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    Jan 11, 2006
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    The White Visitation
    Posting in epic LP.
     
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  21. juggernaut Educated

    juggernaut
    Joined:
    Dec 26, 2009
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    234
    Location:
    Australia
    [​IMG]

    Most stupid looking sword ever.
     
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  22. Sckarecrow92 Educated

    Sckarecrow92
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    Apr 15, 2009
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    286
  23. Sckarecrow92 Educated

    Sckarecrow92
    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2009
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    286
    Now do ff8.
     
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  24. dragonfk Erudite

    dragonfk
    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2007
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    2,487
    Having in mind all that romance in the game I think that page 69 is appropriate.
     
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  25. RainSong Scholar

    RainSong
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    May 13, 2008
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    Location:
    potato motherland
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