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Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

Discussion in 'Codex Playground' started by Andyman Messiah, Feb 11, 2008.

  1. Lesifoere Liturgist

    Lesifoere
    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2007
    Messages:
    4,071
    I never entered the brothel in my two play-throughs, for some reason. Some of this stuff is actually new to me and... enlightening!
     
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  2. Gragt Arcane Patron

    Gragt
    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2007
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    1,864,860
    Location:
    Dans Ton Cul
    Serpent in the Staglands Divinity: Original Sin
    I need to play that game at least once...
     
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  3. Lesifoere Liturgist

    Lesifoere
    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2007
    Messages:
    4,071
    You must. It will baffle, delight, and possibly break your brain, but one should experience everything at least once.
     
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  4. Jasede Prestigious Gentleman Arcane Patron Sad Loser

    Jasede
    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2005
    Messages:
    23,583
    I disagree. I would rather not experience having my arm cut off once. The same goes for FF 7. (I actually did play it. It was a terrible, terrible game, the music aside.)
     
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  5. Gragt Arcane Patron

    Gragt
    Joined:
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    1,864,860
    Location:
    Dans Ton Cul
    Serpent in the Staglands Divinity: Original Sin
    I guess I'll end up prefered Final Fantasy IV in the end.

    Anyway let's put this on my to-do list. Becoming rich and famous will have to wait after FF7.
     
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  6. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
    Messages:
    9,933
    Location:
    Narnia
    Update time and another one without soul, so prepare accordingly. When we last left our heroes, they got flushed down the toilet. But before we rejoin Cloud, Tifa and Aeris, let's pop in and see how the Shinra's doing!

    [​IMG]

    Fidel Castro / Heidegger: Ha, ha, ha! Smoothly, very smoothly! I assigned the Turks to this.
    Reeve: President!! Are we really going to do this? Simply destroy a group with only a few members…
    President Shinra: What's the problem, Reeve? You want out?
    Reeve: No. But, as head of the Urban Development Department, I have been involved in the building and running of Midgar. That's why…
    Saddam Hussein / Heidegger: Reeve, you should flush your personal problems in the morning!
    Reeve: The Mayor's against this anyway…

    [​IMG]

    HEIDEGGER-SHRUG!

    Green Goblin / Heidegger: He just sits in this building all day feeding his face! You still call that a Mayor?

    [​IMG]

    Oooh, that fucking nazi fuck!

    [​IMG]

    JEDI MINDTRICK!

    Alright, the next picture is a spoiler. Only look at it if you want to know the terrible, terrible secret of Urban Development Department. It is a real spoiler.

    http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v205/ ... POILER.jpg

    [​IMG]

    YOU EVIL EVIL MAN!!!

    Alright, enough of that bullshit. We rejoin our heroes in the sewers!

    [​IMG]

    Alright, the girl we talk to first gets some points to her date score card but I don't give a fuck. I talked to Aeris first because she's the closest.

    All of a sudden we are attacked by the italian sewer tentacle tongue rape monster. Why italian, you ask? Well, don't it look italian?

    [​IMG]

    That's a italian monster if I ever saw one! And fuck, you don't need me to tell you how to kill it so fuck you. Kill the italian fuck and move on.

    [​IMG]

    BORING.

    [​IMG]

    BORING. There's one thing you should do while in the northern train graveyard: steal the striking staff from the enemy that looks like a chariot cyborg fuck. It's a weapon for Aeris which you won't otherwise get until much later in the game. Not that Aeris need to kill stuff anyway but it's there if you want to steal shit.

    A little info about stealing: stealing is only useful for getting potions and ethers (useless) and the occasional weapon/armor (useful).

    Alright, shit, we end up in Sector 7. FUCKING FINALLY.

    [​IMG]

    Oh yeah? Well not for much longer!

    We look up and...

    [​IMG]

    Wedge takes a dump. Only he dumps himself as well in the process. Moron. Alright, Cloud and Tifa decides to run up and help Barret. Meanwhile, Aeris gets to pick up Marlene from the bartending job. No drinks on the house in this time of need, looting only!

    We run into Biggs

    [​IMG]

    and Jessie still stuck with her damn fucking foot somewhere somehow

    [​IMG]

    They deserved to die. They all deserve to die.

    We finally reach Barret, who proceeds to toggles the burst fire ability and misses every goddamn shot at the fucking helicopter

    [​IMG]

    Reno, badass, jumps out and presses a button!

    [​IMG]

    Ye-e-es?

    [​IMG]

    FACT: George W. Bush, famous ladyboy, played Final Fantasy VII a lot and helped write a lot of its dialogue.

    Alright, next we fight Reno. He's not difficult.

    [​IMG]

    Yes, it's time to run away. Reno knows how to make the lame things cool! You look at the watch! THAT'S COOL!

    He jumps down from the structure.

    [​IMG]

    As seen in the picture above.

    [​IMG]

    Another time bomb with no timer!

    [​IMG]

    LOL

    [​IMG]

    Holy shit it's the bad guys!

    Barret proceeds to shoot it.

    [​IMG]

    He stop before Aeris is completely killed.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    OOOOOH, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN??!

    After this, Aeris tells us that "she" is safe. That's Marlene's she's talking about unless you're a fucking moron, and let's be honest - you're not too far off.

    [​IMG]

    Tseng smacks her properly!

    [​IMG]

    And flies away!

    Alright, Sector 7 is fucked! Let's get outta here! What will happen to the civilians? Fuck them! Find a way out of here, Barret!

    [​IMG]

    Excellent! Let's swing outta here, Tarzan!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    To be continued...
     
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  7. kingcomrade Kingcomrade Edgy

    kingcomrade
    Joined:
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    26,884
    Location:
    Cognitive Elite HQ
    I love the Shinra theme song.
     
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  8. afewhours Scholar

    afewhours
    Joined:
    Dec 26, 2007
    Messages:
    562
    Location:
    UK
    [​IMG]

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    I think you go to Shinra HQ next, right? Are you gonna fight your through all the mobs on the normal floors, or are you going to type out all of the banter that occurs when you take the back entrance?

    Ooh! That means something else is coming up... the infamous...

    Show Spoiler
    RED XIIIxAERIS RAPE SCENE. ZOMG!


    I trust you'll come up with some biting commentary for that.

    MOAR FINAL FANTASY
     
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  9. kingcomrade Kingcomrade Edgy

    kingcomrade
    Joined:
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    26,884
    Location:
    Cognitive Elite HQ
    Seriously why would you go in the back exit. You get less XP and loot that way.
    also I just found this and it made me lol
    [​IMG]
     
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  10. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
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    9,933
    Location:
    Narnia
    Michael Jackson is guilty until proven innocent! I want my million dollar check in the mail by tuesday, kingcomrade, or I swear I will leak that video to the public relations department of disgraced football team Manchester United and frame Wayne Rooney for the murder of Colonel Mustard while you were busy hanging out with whoever it is you pay to hang out with and killed that poor manwhore! This may sounds like total gibberish, but it will make Manchester City play better and cause David Beckham (ex-United) to become so angry he ERADICATES THE WHOLE UNITED STATES! That will be your punishment, kingcomrade, and not even the french will be able to save you from it.

    Not even the french.

    (DRAMATIC PAUSE!)

    Not... even...

    (a long breath)

    THE FRENCH!

    (tones down a bit)

    ... the french...

    (Applause)


    Also that pic is a highhat on a highnote.

    Edit: Yes, I'm going to bust through the front door. There's no reason not to and it's more fun.
     
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  11. Sovy Kurosei Erudite

    Sovy Kurosei
    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2004
    Messages:
    1,535
    If the pillar wasn't still standing, then, ummm... :|

    What is it with games that point out the obvious. It is like people who stay stuff like "failcat is fail" but think that they really are making a useful contribution with their "inciteful" observation.
     
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  12. Jasede Prestigious Gentleman Arcane Patron Sad Loser

    Jasede
    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2005
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    23,583
    nitpick dwagon is nitpick
     
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  13. DoppelG Scholar

    DoppelG
    Joined:
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    Messages:
    198
    Location:
    My mind
    So, this is for people who actually never played FF7, right? (thats sad)
    "Lets read a guy's sarcastic cynical remarks about a game so we won't have to play it", right?
    Pretty funny read, but, its so overly sarcastic and cynical to the point of borderline autistic that i have to question wether or not people are that retarded to think pointing out the obvious -makes no sense- aspects of games (duh, ofcourse ranged should be more dangerous then melee, atleast in RL, are you that stupid you feel the need to point out the obvious? Dumb smartass) is either smart or not pointless.
    Forget wether or not it makes sense in said game, doubtfull if such nuance wouldn't fly straight over your square head.
    Never heard of minimalism? Try it.
     
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  14. dragonfk Erudite

    dragonfk
    Joined:
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    2,487
    Has anybody asked you to comment this LP? No? then shut the fuck up and post in threads you've got anything constructive to say.
     
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  15. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
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    Location:
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    Ooooh, FF7-fanboys!

    First off, let's leave autistim the fuck alone. It doesn't have anything to do with this and it made me read a bunch of bullshit into your post. Whether or not you mean said bullshit, it's unnecessary and stupid so let's just leave it there.

    That said, yes, I think we all live in our own little world from time to time. Mine happens to be FF7 lego brick land.

    More like "let's read some guy make fun of a completely stupid piece of shit game and the people who likes it!" Judging from your reaction, I succeeded.

    I'm so kewl!

    Thank you!

    Awwww.... :(

    Tifa: Look, the pillar is still standing!
    Cloud: Yes, it looks like you're right!
    Tifa: We have to help Barret!
    Cloud: Yes, but first we have to stand around and talk for a bit. Oh look, Wedge fell to his death. How horrible.
    Tifa: Yes.
    Cloud: Aeris, go take care of a little child you have never before seen in your entire life. She should be at the bar.
    Aeris: Alright.
    Aeris runs off.
    Cloud: You will know its the right kid because she's the only one with a...
    Tifa: Too late. She's gone.
    Cloud: Oh well, I'm sure she'll manage anyway.
    Tifa: We have to help Barret!
    Cloud: Yes, let's go help Barret! He's been standing up there shooting at stuff for hours now.
    Tifa: How come all his squad dies but he lives?
    Cloud: He's important to the plot.
    Tifa: I want to be important to the plot too!
    Cloud: Don't worry, Tifa. You are.
    Tifa: I'm so glad this is an adventure game and not one of those horrible roleplaying games where you have to choose stuff.
    Cloud: Yes, I'm glad that is the case. The only choices I have to make is who I want to date!
    Tifa: That is so much easier.
    Cloud: It sure is.
    Barret: MOTHERFUCKER! MOTHERFUCKER! MOTHERFUCKER!
    Cloud: That's Barret. He speaks offensive because he's of the dark race. He want us to run up to him.
    Tifa: Then let us do so.


    And earlier:

    Barret: Let's go left!
    Soldiers walk in from the left.
    Barret: Oh no. Let's go the other way.
    Soldiers walk in from the right.
    Cloud: A trap?
    Evil president: Haha, you fell right into my trap.
    Barret: Damn, we fell for his trap.
    Tifa: Oh no!


    What we're ridiculing here is the constant railroading, hand-holding and complete lack of sense of a game that is widely upheld as the greatest game ever by millions of millions of fucktards. The game is stupid, that's the bottom line and people who think it's a good game are stupid as well. That's how it is. It is NOT in touch with reality and the same goes for the people defending it. It says stupid things, does stupid things and expects the player to be stupid as well. Probably even more so than the game. That is the ONLY explanation I can think of.

    Guy: Alright, for this minigame you must press these buttons in order as fast as you can.
    I click ok.
    Guy: Do you understand? Press these buttons in order.
    I click ok again.
    And this time the minigame starts. But I'll be DAMNED if that's not yet ANOTHER complete set of instructions in the lower portion of the screen!

    This is why the previous guy gave up trying to play the game. He couldn't handle this bullshit and I understand him. Fully. Completely. All the way. You'll notice some updates are not as well-written as others. That is because some portions of the game are so goddamn stupid you can't even bring in Colin Farrel waving a big fat dick around to save it.

    (Btw, Colin Farrel is awesome and I love him.)

    I don't consider it a game worthy of intelligent commentary and as such what you get is Colin Farrel, sex jokes and the occasional "nigger"-joke, because a stupid game clearly requires a stupid player. It's that simple and I'm doing my best to prove it. AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN!

    Got it? :wink:

    Oh ha ha ha! Now we're talking, Doofus!

    Alright, now this could have been a perfectly alright lecturing if you hadn't felt the need to point out my square head in an attempt to insult me.

    Even if having a square head - which is obviously FF7-legoland - is met with the constant sucking of one's cock by beautiful blonde barely legal pop stars with excellent tits and Angelina Jolie-lips, I'm hurt, I truly am, because I value my oddly shaped head so much. Also I'm more into redheads anyway.

    This is why you don't deserve a good response, because shit like that is not needed here. It's stupid and it doesn't belong in an argument. It proves the point I made about FF7-fanatics and whether or not you think FF7 is a good game, you are now kicked into that demographic.

    Ever heard of wiping before you take a shit? It's the same thing. A waste of time. If you got something to say, say it like you're taking a shit instead of just trying to squeeze it out in small doses like you did here.

    Oh and hey, by all means please stick around but grow a fucking brain and stop taking things so seriously just because we make fun of your religion. A'ight? :wink:

    Also: I hope I don't know you. :lol:
     
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  16. Murk Arcane

    Murk
    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2008
    Messages:
    13,456
    Hey guys, stop having fun with games.

    c'mon guyths c'mon
     
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  17. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
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    9,933
    Location:
    Narnia
    C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!
    This is how we party!
    C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!
    Yeah, this is how we party!
     
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  18. DoppelG Scholar

    DoppelG
    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2008
    Messages:
    198
    Location:
    My mind
    I don't remember asking you to comment me dumbass.

    Lol (pertinent ignorant freak)

    I hate PC fucktard faggot.

    Sure it does, being so much of a cynic seemingly not able to handle anything that doesn't fit your little squarehead is borderline autistic.

    That doesn't bother me, its the notion to "not play the game based on a ignorant sarcastic dickheads cynical remarks to a game he doesn't like playing but still does just for the reason to point out everything doesn't make sense when trying to fit it into your tiny unimaginative -boohoo, the games not as intelligent as i am- world" and at the same time fail to actually give any valid reason why the game sucks besides your autistic little legobrick world's definition of "a fun game".

    It is, i very much like sarcasm and cynicism, but not when using it at every fucking oportunity, minimalistic and smart sarcasm and cynicism coupled with actually trying to bring a valid point to the table istead of repeating how "games don't make sense" (tell me something i don't know shitface) is better then complaining about every little detail (i'm mostly playing devils advocate here, you could throw any game at me nomatter how good or bad and i could completely destroy it just in the same way you are doing, try me, i could literally make games like Fallout look bad, actually thats what Bethwhores try to do to make FO3 look good, you know, " if you come across a guy swinging a gun around, then do you wait for your turn? Makes no sense".

    That pretty much aplies to every game out there doesn't it? (Come on, i'm calling for your honesty here)

    Duh.
    Seriously though, the games stupid to some degree, doesn't make it a bad game though, kinda like how stupid you are, wich doesn't make you a bad person.

    Lol, are you real?

    Your complete thread can basically be simplified into "the game is stupid cause it is", yea, wouldn't want you to work for any kind of valid gamereview site (not that there are any though).

    Thats horrid, NOOOO, worst game EVAR! Genius.

    No, he rather wants to read "how stupid the game is", stupid people he "can handle".

    It basically comes down to "you gotta be stupid to enjoy anything wich isn't ment to be incredible deep and intelligent".
    That to me defines "stupidity".
    Also funny how that means i have to be stupid to be able to read any of your crap. LMFAO.

    The only thing i get out of your response is that you value your square head, wich is enough evidence thank you very much.

    You definatly don't understand "minimalism", don't worry, you just aren't the genius you think you are. (duh)

    If i'm able to say something in one word then i'm not that much of a retard to spend more then one word explaining what i have to say, something you will probably never get though.

    Sorry, atheist here, i spit on religion.

    You definatly don't and it shows.
     
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  19. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
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    9,933
    Location:
    Narnia
    That was some fantastic arguing... FOR ME TO POOP ON!

    Whatever, man, let's just call it even. You go back to moron land and I go back to save the world from obvious plot devices. It's fair, right?
     
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  20. Murk Arcane

    Murk
    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2008
    Messages:
    13,456
    HIS ONE LINERS THEY STINGGGGGGGG
     
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  21. MetalCraze Arcane

    MetalCraze
    Joined:
    Jul 3, 2007
    Messages:
    21,104
    Location:
    Urkanistan
    Locue, quit arguing. I want the next dosage.
     
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  22. dragonfk Erudite

    dragonfk
    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2007
    Messages:
    2,487
    You mean like you weren't asked to comment on this LP?
     
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  23. Andyman Messiah Mr. Ed-ucated

    Andyman Messiah
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
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    Narnia
    BUT I LIKE ARGUING ABOUT NOTHING! IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE AN 80'S PORNSTAR!

    Two updates are in the works.
     
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  24. DoppelG Scholar

    DoppelG
    Joined:
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    Messages:
    198
    Location:
    My mind
    Whatever, FF7 obviously doesn't offer any deep story or non obvious plot devices. (get over it already)
    People that think it does are probably as stupid as you are.
    Nevermind, i actually liked reading the sarcastic and cynical remarks, just sad you can't handle any yourself. LOL
    (Devils advocate is TEH GREATEST RPG EVAH, you should try it)
     
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  25. afewhours Scholar

    afewhours
    Joined:
    Dec 26, 2007
    Messages:
    562
    Location:
    UK
    Yes, you clearly have a lot more experience in handling yourself.
     
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