FACT: This is the worst goddamn rebel hideout I have seen in my entire goddamn fucking life as a heterosexual gay man.
Cloud, was there anyone from SOLDIER fighting us today?
None. I'm positive.
You sound pretty sure.
If there was anyone from SOLDIER you wouldn't be standing here now.
Don't go thinkin' you so bad jes ‘cuz you was in SOLDIER.
Yeah, you're strong. Probably all them guys in SOLDIER are. But don't forget that your skinny ass's workin' for AVALANCHE now! Don't get no ideas 'bout hangin' with Shinra.
Stayin' with Shinra? You asked me a question and I answered it…that's all.
Wait, Cloud!
Tifa, let him go! Looks like he still missed the Shinra!
Shut up!
But don't get me wrong! I don't care about AVALANCHE or the Planet for that matter!
FACT: Oh, that's going to change...
Ooooh, secret pinball machine elevator!!
FACT: Secret pinball machine elevators are HARDCORE.[/B]
Sorry, Tifa.
The Planet is dying. Slowly but surely it's dying. Someone has to do something.
So let Barret and his buddies do something about it. It's got nothin' to do with me.
So! You're really leaving!? You're just going to walk right out ignoring your childhood friend!?
Date mechanics! Saying "sorry" have no effect at all. Saying "how can you say that" gets us five Tifa-points and just because it feels right, it's what we're going to choose. Don't worry though, as of now the score is Barret 10, Tifa 9. We'll be getting some brown bear action alright.
How can you say that?
You did forget, didn't you?!
Well...
You forgot the promise too, didn't you?
Oh god no, is this going to be one of those fla...
IT'S FLASHBACK TIME BITCH!
Nnng!
Get your DeLoreans and sunglasses, folks! Let's go back in time!
Do you remember?
Is the well important?
Bitch, I asked you a question!
Alright, alright, jeez... Yes, I remember.
I was really getting pissed off!
Late? Haha, you're not late at all! What a thing to say! Haha! Please sit down.
So, you said you wanted to talk about something?
Yeah... Come this spring, I'm going to leave town for Midgar.
All boys are leaving our town. What's a pretty little girl like me do on her own? Do you know my boobs have begun to grow really, really big lately?
Yes, they're really nice.
But they're not going to make you stay here with me?
No.
Fuck.
Well, why don't you play with the girls for a bit?
I tried, but they're so into bondage and kinky stuff like that.
Oh, well, uh, anyway. I'm not just going to find a job in Midgar like all the other boys.
No?
Nope!
I'm going to be the best there is, just like Sephiroth. And Wolverine!
The Great Sephiroth...
And The Great Wolverine!
Right. Uh, isn't it very difficult to join SOLDIER?
I probably won't be able to come back to the town for quite some time.
Huh?
Yeah, I'm probably going to have to kill someone with a better score than me and take their place.
Oh, that means you'll be in the papers, right?
I'll try.
How exciting!
Huh?
Umm, if you get really famous and I'm ever in a bind, you'll came save me, all right?
What?
What?
Whenever I'm like being assaulted by serial rapists you'll like come and save me.
What?
Oh, you don't do serial rapists? Well, how about a tall, skinny madman then?
What?!
Come on, I want to at least experience that once.
What?!
Come on, promise me!
Uh... okay. I promise.
FACT: Shooting stars are really romantic and stuff.
FACT: Tifa's little sister Bubbles is a fucking giant and can make herself invisible and hates people who just keeps on talking and talking!
Anyway, back to the present!
Well, I remember that dress you wore. It was nice. And really low cut...
So that's why you climbed up on that well!
Uh, well...
I knew you cared about my boobs!
Uh yes, but Tifa, I'm not a hero and I'm not famous. I can't keep the promise.
But you got your childhood dream, didn't you? You joined SOLDIER, didn't you?
Well...
MINDFUCK!
Yeah, I did.
That's right. Come on! You've got to keep your promise!
All of a sudden!
FACT: Barret Wallace - climbing is his life.
Wait a sec big-time SOLDIER! A promise is a promise! Here!!
FACT: 1500 GIL!! Oh my fucking god! This is so awesome I had to sit down, and I was already sitting down when I sat down! This was so awesome I SAT DOWN TWICE!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!!
This is my pay? Don't make me laugh.
Shut the hell up, Cloud. Take it with a smile, boy. We're out of this dump!
You got the second job lined up? I'll do it for 3000.
Alright, Cloud! Now we're speaking the same language! Work that tanned polar bear, boy! He's got more dough!
3000?! You think I'm made of goddamn money, boy?!
Hey, Barret, we really need the help.
FACT: Cloud Strife - hardcore, 21 year old mercenary who doesn't give a fuck about your your kids future.
FACT: Marlene Wallace is going to school all right, but she's going to be bullied because of her cheap second hand gear.
FACT: Tifa Heartilly doesn't give a fuck.
The next morning we get more dating dialogue.
Alright, we can either say Barret snores like a motherfucker or tell Tifa she's a slut who gives it away for free. Either way, we end up having one of them like us 5 points more so SHOES!
Barret snored like a goddamn walrus.
Keep it down! You know how edgy he is right before a mission.
I'm not kidding! I thought the whole building would come down! On ME!
Hush!
I heard the pinball machine tilt! And I know it's not even a real pinball machine! I know it can't tilt! But why did it tilt? Because Barret snores like a fucking walrus!
Hey, you sayin' somethin' 'bout my momma, white boy?!
No, sweetie!
That's what I thought!
Alrighty then, Barret explains the next mission: we're going to blow up another reactor and this time we'll have Tifa with us. This make our current team Cloud, elite sword specialist; Barret, nigga with a gun & Tifa, pretty girl with tits and fists. How anyone could pose a threat to us now... is kind of beyond me.
Anyway, before we move on Barret wants to know how materia works.
FACT: As far as I know and can remember, which probably makes the whole fact-thing kind of doubtful, this is the only Final Fantasy that lets you skip these fucking worthless goddamn magic tutorials.
It's not even hard. Materia is little balls of different colors that you equip on your weapons and armor so they give you special abilities, mostly magic like fire and cure and crap like that. They level up and get better and more powerful with AP. End of fucking tutorial. If you don't get it you're retarded. I'm sorry, but that's just how it is. The materia system in FF7 is not difficult.
So fuck off, Barret.
FACT: Telling Barret he's a moron have no effect on the date, so feel free.
Alright...
This always cracked me up. Yeah, it did. I mean, Marlene is, what, six-seven? Younger? And she's left to tend to a fucking bar! Fucking hell, we saw in the previous chapter that this isn't a nice neighbourhood, man. It's awesome. Shit, I don't think she'll ever go to school. She probably knew her way around the bar when she was three, made her first white russian when she was five.
FACT: I really need to write fanfiction about Marlene.
Alright, now we're really moving on!
Not pictured: picking up one all materia and one ether from the second floor of the weapon shop. I also buy a fire materia just so that we have 'em all!
Alright, in the next update: we ride the trains for the second time and get ourselves owned spectacularly! It'll be awesome. See you later.