Hi, dudes and dudettes! It's time to FUCKING FINALLY get out of the Shinra HQ and FUCKING FINALLY get out of Midgar and FUCKING FINALLY start up this world saving quest! Oh yeah! With me today is Sephiroth! Say hello, Sephiroth.
Hello! :D
You look great, Sephiroth!
Thank you. I feel great. :D
Awesome. Now, I asked you to commentate with me for a reason and I think you know what that is.
Is it because I massacred the whole Shinra HQ and released Cloud and his friends from his holding cells?
Yes, but also because Kiefer Sutherland and Colin Farrell are doing stuff with each other and that's kind of creeping me out. I can't find them. I don't want to find them.
Oh, I've SO been THERE, sweetie! :D
Alright, let's get this started.
Oh yes, I remember this.
You opened the door to Cloud's holding cell.
No, not exactly. My really long sword pushed the button on accident as I sliced and diced all around the corridor.
To kill one guard.
Uh huh! :D
You ran up to the guard and killed him with your sword.
That's how melee attacks work, sweetie! :D
And accidently opened the door to Cloud's cell.
Accidents happen.
I'm not going to argue. Thanks, Sephiroth!
No problem, little buddy! Happy to be of help!
Holy shit, there's a dead guard out here.
There is? I was thinking more about the door.
Oh yeah, it's open. Boring.
But...
Cloud! Dead guard! Much more interesting.
Right. I'll go get Barret and Nanaki.
I'll alert the whore.
Don't call her that...
I'll go scout ahead!
What? I have to bring Tifa and Aeris with me? I could use you, big guy!
Your' startin' to get real fuckin' gay on me, son!
Well, I...
Go with the ladies, boy. Mebbe you learn somethin' else about our relationship in the progress!
Alright, alright.
Following the trail of blood, we meet up with Nanaki.
Oh my stars, that's a little too much blood for my tastes. Let's get the fuck outta here!
Hey, the frozen torso of evilness have disappeared!
No more tits?
What the fuck did you do here, Sephiroth!?
I love my mommy so much.
...
ONWARD!
FOLLOW THE TRAIL OF BLOOD! F-F-FOLLOW T-T-THE T-T-TRAIL O-O-OF B-B-BLOOD-D-D-!!
Oh noes, what happened here?
HELL YEAH FINALLY, MUTHAFUCKER!!
Who could have done such a thing?
Well, ah, I don't like to brag, but, ah, y'know... :wink:
Or Wolverine, could 'ave been Wolverine too!
No, it was all me!
Really?
'Course, mebbe it jus' was Wolverine n' disguise y'know?!
No, it wasn't! I did this! Ask Palmer! He's hiding behind that pillar!
STUFF: Draq? Do you have anything to add?
See!? It was totally me!
Did ya see 'im?! Did ya see Wolverine?! Talk, dammit!
Aieee!! Black man rage!!
Barret...
Wha'?! Hey boy, that damn Kiefer ain't 'round no more so I have to take charge here!
No, it was definitely Sephiroth!
Really?
Yes, he came here and tried to kill all of us, saying something about how he wouldn't let us have the 'Promised Land'.
Sure sounds like me. :D
So Sephiroth is on our side? :D
He sure is! :D
I thought we were buddies. I even released you from your cell!
But you just killed a bunch of people!
But they were EVIL people, Cloud.
And you stole a frozen, naked and really creepy-looking mutant torso!
She happens to be my mother, Aeris.
And you killed my dad!
Your EVIL dad, Tifa.
And you have white hair!
That's because I'm innocent and as pure as snow, Nanaki.
Are you affiliated with the Shinra?
No, Barret, I'm not.
Well, I'm fuckin' convinced!
I'm out of here!
Hey come back here, little man!
Rufus has arrived in the Shinracopter! He'll deal with you!
Rufus! Man, oh man. Oh well.
Good question, Tifa! Let's find out!
Right here, we can ask our party members what they know about Rufus. Surprisingly enough, Aeris is the only one who provides with any real information. Take it away, Aeris.
AWESOEM!!!
Alright, let's go beat that fucker up.
Oh no, not again. Oh well... ROLL CALL!
A mercenary with a troubled past!
A black freedom fighter with a troubled past!
A martial arts student with a troubled past!
The last remaining Cetra!
With a troubled past, right?
I thought I already said I was the last remaining Cetra?
Oh. Right.
And I'm a talking tiger with a troubled past!
FACT: This is Rufus' second line in the game and you already love him a ton more than any of the player characters.
Pleased to meet you!
Likewise. Now please listen to my speech.
What? Hey, fuck yourself, buddy!
FACT: This is probably the moment where you realize that you don't like him as much as you thought you did.
Speech?
That's right. I'll let you hear my new appointment speech.
No no no! That's alright!
But I have to! How else would I characterize myself as a villain? Please listen, it won't take long. Old man tried to...
What old man?
My old man. My father. Sorry for the typos. I will execute my staff, but please - no interuptions.
That's alright.
My old man tried to control the world with money. It seems to have been working. The population thought that Shinra would protect them.
Really?
Yes. Work at Shinra, get your pay. If a terrorist attacks, the Shinra army will help you. It looks perfect on the outside. But, I do things differently.
You do?!
Yes. I'll control the world with fear. It takes too much to do it like my old man. A little fear will control the minds of the common people. There's no reason to waste money on them.
Really?
Yes.
Really, really?
Yes!
FOREVER EVER? FOREVER EVER?
YES YOU SPIKEY LITTLE FUCK!
That was unnecessary.
Whut?!
I don't have time to explain, brown bear! Take the women and tiger and go!
Awright!
Let's kill each other, White.
Let's do it, Purple.
[not pictured] So Barret, the tiger and the ladies get the hell outta here. On the way, though, Tifa realizes that there can only be three members in the party and so she decides to wait for Cloud while the others make their way out of the building. A wise decision, because it turns out Barret, Nanaki and Aeris would be attacked by a big fucking elevator-riding tank!
HOLY SHIT ITS A TANK!
FACT: The Shinra expanded the elevators in a day so that the tanks could also ride them and there's absolutely nothing strange about this at all.
Oh dear.
Don' worry! We behind a glass window! He ain't gonna be able ta-
Oh dear.
MOTHERFUCKER!
Oh well. You beat this boss by beating it. Also lightning bolts work wonders. Next.
IT'S A CHOPPER!
Kill it with lightning bolts.
Well, tha's some easy ass boss fight!
It sure was.
FACT: In this game, everything can be killed with lightning bolts. Especially if it's a robot of some kind.
Alright, we still have to beat up Rufus. His shotgun and, uh, purple tiger
against our really big sword!
But first!
Let's talk about it! :wink:
FACT: Cloud Strife - hogging all the 'Promised Lands' since 1997!
FACT: That was, like, totally innuendo.
FACT: A lot of people cried when Aeris
, but this scene is what made me cry. Like a total man, of course.
Oh well, so Cloud fight Rufus. He's easy even without lightning bolts. When you defeat him you get rewarded with one of the most normal looking faces in the game. BEHOLD!
Also:
Let's just get the fuck out of here. Hey, Sephiroth? You still with me, buddy?
Yeah, I'm here. :D
Great. Are you ready to see the most awesome FMV in the game?
Is it the one where I'm walking through fire and looking all badass? :D
No, but...
Alright, SECOND most awesome FMV in the game. :wink:
... do you really mean that?
Yes, Sephiroth. With all my heart.
:D
I thought this was already kind of complicated?
Well, even more complicated!
Or even more retarded.
It's a thin line. :wink:
On level 1, Barret's team run into resistance!
Nanaki! We're gonna have ta skin you an' wrap you thick fur 'roun' Aeris!
No.
But it should shield 'er from the bullets, dammit!
Barret, I don't want to be a burden...
Thank you, Mister Barret!
Think nothin' of it!
[not pictured] And so they all died. Game over.
Hey! Take this game seriously!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're in luck, Red Mullet! Turns out that Cloud and Tifa have cooked up a brilliant plan!
Really?
Oh yes. FMV TIME!
(
Watch the thing on YouTube!
About this video:
The original FMV from Final Fantasy VII. FF7 characters break the law: Cloud drives a motorcycle without a helmet and Barret rides in the bed of a truck.)
My ears!
Girls and tiger!
Black man!
Young dude on a motorcycle!
The conveniently fueled-up, totally working car!
LET'S GO, GANG!
VROOM-VROOM!
POWER RANGERS GO!
FACT: Yes, it was too good to be true.
Alright, no man, woman or retard enjoyed this minigame. At least I hope noone did, but I'm a known optimist. Just press buttons like mad and you'll eventually be attacked by the boss.
Yes, I didn't really give a fuck about the minigame. Anyway, beat the boss with lightning bolts and WE'RE FINALLY OUT OF MIDGAR!
Good question, Barret! It never hurts to repeat things!
Oh well, I guess this is where I leave. Bye!
Bye!
We have a lovely choice here and I'm actually going to let you readers decide! What's it gonna be, buddies? Do we stay for a while or do we get outta Dodge?
FACT: I'm not going to listen to you anyway.
Alrighty then!
FACT: This is so goddamn fucking beautiful.
To be continued!