Crispy™ Let's Crash to Desktop like it's 1995 in Realms of Arkania High Derpolution

[hoverdog]

In a move that was probably my worst decision ever, I preordered Realms of Arkania HD. Now, half a year and thousands of patches later, the time has come to actually play this motherfucker. Considering it's the definition of shovelware, it will be much more fun to share a playthrough of this amazing gem with the Kodex. Trust me, you won't regret it. I will, though.




The title screen isn't that bad.



Chances are, bugs and patches will kill us much earlier than anything in-game, so Professional it is.



The GFX still are passable.





goddamned radial menu.

Now, time for you to create a Codex team! There are 6 spots to take. Don't worry if you're late, I'm going semi-ironman - any poor killed codexer will be replaced with a fresh new meatshield. You can choose an archetype and if you want, skills and spells to specialize in.

Archetypes to choose from:



(one thing I'm sure hasn't been replaced since the game shipped are those 3d models - AWWW SHIEET THEY ARE SO FUCKING TERRIBLE I WANT TO GOUGE MY EYES OUT)

DWARF
The little people are excellent smiths and experts at assessing valuables. They are also fearsome axe fighters.

THORWALIAN
The gigantic Thorwalians are characterised by a zest for life and love of competition (with others or with nature‘s forces), and they are both feared and revered as warriors and sailors.

WARRIOR
Warriors are masters in all forms of armed combat and are often necessary for a group‘s survival in these dark times. They bear chartered rights to wear heavy armour and wield longswords.

HUNTER
These reclusive lone wolfs have profound knowledge of the wild and its dangers, and are experienced in all manner of ranged weapons.

ROGUE
Whether pickpocket or trickster, a rogue feels at home in towns with people where he can show off his talents. He is wasted on the wilderness.

ICE ELF
Only few of these people have been seen in the South. They possess spells that are largely unknown, and are considered extremely persevering.

LEAF ELF
These elvish people keep close relations with humans. Their spells are part of many a magician‘s basic study.

SILVAN ELF
Silvan Elves live secluded in the thick forests of North Aventuria. They are renowned as masters of the short bow and for their talent for surviving in the wild.

WIZARD
The adepts of the magical arts see themselves as scientists who love nothing more than to discover new formulae or arcane mysteries. Their arcane skills allow them to survive in hostile environments, even if their worldly skills would make it appear otherwise.

WITCH
In contrast to magic, witchcraft is not the accumulated knowledge of centuries written down in books, but instead consists of intuitive understanding of human and animal nature.

DRUID
Knowledge of dark domination spells and a love of nature are typical characteristics of the secretive druids. Their beliefs forbid the use of metal weapons or armour.

 

[ERYFKRAD]

Sure, sign me up as a Warrior/Thorwalian with a two-handed specialization, max Str and Temper if possible.

 

[procrastinator]

PROCRASTINATHORWALIAN

 

[good little toastboy]

Toastboy the leaf elf. Let's see if he can be as great a hero as toastboy the green elf in pussycat's LP of the original.

 

[Kalin]

Never thought I'd see an LP of this atrocity!

Sign me up as a Human Wizard focused on demonology.

 

[Azira]

Thorwalian here. Let's see how skewed we can make this party.

 

[tindrli]

Magician i want to be

Rogue i wana be since wizard is taken, add curiosity and avarice

 

[good little toastboy]

I just noticed the starting money: 6 Ducats on an elf? 2 Ducats on a druid?

 

[ERYFKRAD]

It's not like Druids need all that cash anyway. Plus it's not like you'll suffer for cash.

 

[Baron Dupek]

Momma the Female Dorf, with some berserks sets (disadvantages from RoA1?) like Violent Temper.
Time to take out the trash with bronze axe.

 

[Nicebrain]

Morris Nicebrain, warrior with a violent temper

 

[Abelian]

Amadan Gallowglass the hunter. High agility and dexterity. Amadan means "idiot" in Irish, so feel free to give him low cleverness and charisma. Some points in curiosity for kicks, since a curious idiot can get himself in all sorts of trouble.

The models look like they're covered in Saran wrap .

 

[Crooked Bee]

Oh no. I'm not enrolling for this!

(In b4 abandoned at page 3 2.)

 

[ALchymist]

Never played the game so I hope this makes sense

Male magician, low courage, high necrophobia ,acrophobia, claustrophobia (scared of everything), high dexterity, agility (to run away) , intuition, low violent temper, superstition (he's afraid to walk under ladders but he knows something will fall on him so it's justified). Name Rincewind.

 

[hoverdog]

(In b4 abandoned at page 3 2.)

This is a highly probable outcome.

 

[Darth Roxor]

I gotta love how they keep completely changing the UI OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN

Allow me to sign up as Commander Boreale, the extra charming he-witch

 

[Luzur]

looks like those two are watching that guy with a spear taking a shit off a cliff.

original screen looked better.

also, if you have room, sign me up ya know, long blond with pigtails and horn helmet guy.

 

[Smashing Axe]

Fighter guy with an axe would suit me well.

Or anything else, if convenient. An elf is pretty useful in RoA

 

[Darth Roxor]

It would appear RoA HD has triumphed over Hoverdog

 

[Baron Dupek]

I hope it is good pain(tm) for him.

 

[Zeriel]

Let's put on the proper soundtrack to enjoy this masterpiece:

Link.

 

[MicoSelva]

Add me to the roster as a Magician.

 

[alkeides]

Name: Malefor the Malevolent
Class: Magician-Demonology College

Moar!

 

[Eriador]

Assuming you are going to LP this trainwreck of a game sometime add me to the rooster:

Name: Eriador
Class: Silvan Elf, archer

Or as a male dwarf with the same name if you have too much elves.

 

[GarfunkeL]

Definitely add Black Cat the female magician with high charm, once you run out of bodies.