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Let's play err, play & watch: David Wolf, Secret Agent

Sceptic

Arcane
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Joined
Mar 2, 2010
Messages
10,822
Divinity: Original Sin
The Shit Games Liberation Front returns with another awesome LP of an awesome shitty game! However, unlike the usual "let's LP a modern shitty game", I've instead decided to LP a shitty game... from 1989. (in before skyway "it's pre-1990 so of course it's shitty")

David Wolf was developed by Dynamix as one of the first "interactive movies" (a term that would come to be loathed by gamers looking for substance over graphicwhorism in their games). Like almost all such interactive movies, David Wolf has lots of movies and very little interactivity. Unlike subsequent interactive movies, it was also an EGA game, running at 320x200x16. And by 16 I don't mean 16-bit but SIXTEEN COLORS. You will soon see why this is not a game you would use in stead of Crysis to demonstrate the beauty of computer graphics... though, believe it or not, at one time it was. This was one of the first games to use digitized graphics so extensively (it came out a few months before Mean Streets). It's a very strange game to play nowadays, because its absolutely superb MT-32 soundtrack has, like most MIDI soundtracks, aged very well if you play it on the module it was composed on, and this makes the contrast with the absolutely terrible graphics even more jarring, especially in a game where most of the gameplay consists of staring at pretty graphics. When you're not staring at pretty digitized graphics, you're playing through crude action-y bits using Dynamix's 3Space technology (same engine that powered Red Baron, Betrayal at Krondor, and a few others).

There can be no doubt that the graphics were the game's primary focus at development. The game's main menu (which can be brought up at any time) lists 5 action scenes. These are the only gameplay sequences. Any one can be accessed at any time, including the last one on your first playthrough. What's the point of successfully completing one of these scenes? You get to watch the "movie" bit until the next action scene starts. If you're actually reading the text, watching the movie bit after an action scene takes longer than playing through it. To be perfectly honest, the only reason I played through the game was to listen to the soundtrack, and it only occurred to me to make an LP about a third of the way when I realized that the hilariously terrible story and writing would make for great LP material (that, and my Heart of China LP is having trouble due to a) the HUUUUUUUUUGE quantity of dialogs and b) trying to sort out all the alternate paths so I can show as many of them as possible). If you thought the cheesiest James Bond movie was too cheesy, wait 'til you see this.


UPDATE 1: DOVER

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Welcome to the gorgeous graphics of the EGA era.

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Any and all similarities to Ernst Stavro Blofeld are purely coincidental.

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David Wolf must not be allowed to interfere.

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Our agent tells us that he is testing one of Peregrine's new toys near the Cliffs of Dover.

FACT: Peregrine comes from the latin Peregrinus, which means "one from abroad".
FACT: There is no British intelligence organization called "Peregrine".

Tvasto.png
I want him eliminated... PERMANENTLY!

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Any and all similarities to James Bond are purely coincidental.

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The shadowy figures appearing next to the portraits are all related to the various action scenes, one way or the other.

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OK, so this one may not be, though that depends on your definition of "action scene"...

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Secret agent, gun, girl, kissing. If this isn't a James Bond parody then I'm Wyrmlord's alt.

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Wolf, may I present the latest in aerial combat, the MK1 Hawk.

Any and all similarities to Q are pur- ah fuck it.

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You brought me all the way out here to test a new kite?

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Hardly a kite, Wolf.

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No wet bar?

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Please Wolf.

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Yes... yes...

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Trouble ahead!

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The little joystick icon (even though I set the controls to keyboard only...) indicates that an action scene is about to start.

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Wow, actual gameplay! The goal is to shoot down the enemy gliders without running into one of them, into the cliffs, or into the water. This is a little trickier because your altitude is constantly dropping, and because adjusting the angle makes the altitude drop even faster.

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Wolf also makes some atrocious one-liners (hey that reminds me of someone) whenever he downs an enemy.

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Unlike the other action scenes, you don't get a game over if you lose this one. Wolf ends up in hospital, but then recovers and the story proceeds. Since I'm no pussy, however, I easily dispatch all the gliders. And my reward is: cutscene!

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What will I tell Mr. Vasto?

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FACT: Viper is the evil organization. Rhymes with...

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In case you haven't noticed it already, the beat panel here should be indication enough that the story does not take itself too seriously. Which is a good thing.

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Notice how the black guy's pretty cool about it all.

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Yeah, that sounds convincing...

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For some reason I can totally imagine David Warner voicing Vasto.

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This should be turned into a smugface.

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I should have known better than to trust Boor.

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I'll handle Wolf. I have the perfect bait for my dear old friend.

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Creepy pedophile detected.

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Any and all similarities to BLA BLA BLA PRISONER OF ICE BLA BLA BLA.

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Radar absorbent materials make it very difficult to detect by radar.

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You've been doing your homework.

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The Shadowcat is more than difficult to detect, it's radar invisible.

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And?

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And, it's been stolen.

Hardly a surprise, since we heard Vasto talking about it minutes ago...

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Stolen! How?

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The SF-2 was taken during its final test flight.

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Black guy now has a name.

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In before racist Codexian jokes.

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I'm afraid it's true... and there's more.

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O'Neal's technical expertise is irreplaceable. Her absence will seriously hurt our program.

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I'm taking bets on whether Bond and the Bondgirl Wolf and "Dr" O'Neal will have sex by the end of the game movie.

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Control yourself, Wolf. This is serious.

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We must retrieve the Shadowcat before Vasto has another chance to use it.

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I have to admit the above part cracks me up.

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Wolf, please be serious. The President is depending on our agency.

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Do we have any leads?

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Yes, a rather obvious one. Garth Stock was seen with Dr. O'Neal at the Sur La Mer Casino in Monte Carlo. Stock paraded her right past Horowitz.

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Stock knows Agent Horowitz!

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You want to send me into an obvious trap?

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I'm afraid we have no other choice. Stock is our only lead to the fighter.

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You'll be leaving for Monte Carlo immediately. Go to the Sur La Mer Casino.

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Our man Horowitz is dealing blackjack. He can fill you in when you get there. Good luck, Wolf.

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There's a mole inside Peregrine!

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Yes. Monte Carlo. Immediately.

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That's right, the Sur La Mer. At one of the blackjack tables.

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Yes, the dealer's a Peregrine Agent.

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No. That's all.

To be continued...
 

racofer

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Messages
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Your ignore list.
:thumbsup:

Looks better than every Bethesda game released in the past 5 years.
 

RK47

collides like two planets pulled by gravity
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Dead State Divinity: Original Sin
:smug: So I'm off to rescue Miss O'Neal....
 

lightbane

Arcane
Joined
Dec 27, 2008
Messages
9,352
:what: Well, it seems that cinematic games were shit since the beginning, at least they're consistent. :yeah:

Looking forward for the next update.
 

Wyrmlord

Arcane
Joined
Feb 3, 2008
Messages
28,886
A very young lovechild of David Lynch and David Cronenberg?

agent_035.png
 

Radisshu

Prophet
Joined
Jul 16, 2007
Messages
5,623
I love the ridiculousness of 80's games, they didn't take their stories seriously at all.
 

Sceptic

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Joined
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Messages
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Divinity: Original Sin
racofer said:
Looks better than every Bethesda game released in the past 5 years.
What? Bethesda haven't released anything in the past fiv-

Oh. I see what you did there.

Excidium said:
So next-gen!
I was going to make a joke about Xbox controller, but really, the image speaks for itself.

Blackadder said:
That bloody face...
He makes another few stupid ones throughout the game. But then it's not as if the other "actors" play it straight either.

ironyuri said:
Dude is awesome.
He gets another pretty awesome scene in update 3.

Wyrmlord said:
A very young lovechild of David Lynch and David Cronenberg?
I was more impressed with the way his hair color changes from scene to scene, no small feat on 16-color display. It's like the game is trying to capitalize on the "bad B movie" vibes.

lightbane said:
Well, it seems that cinematic games were shit since the beginning, at least they're consistent.
There have been a few good ones. Mean Streets went for a similar approach, using digitized graphics and a 3D engine for flying around, but it was a much better game thanks to there being an actual game in the first place (thourgh the 3D engine flying was the worst part about it). I think Mean Streets' biggest advantage over David Wolf is that it used 256-color VGA, so the digitized stuff didn't look anywhere near as awful. The RealSound technology was also a dramatic achievement; playing actual speech of the PC Speaker was something unimaginable, though MS lacks a MIDI soundtrack, so David Wolf actually feels much more alive sound-wise. Countdown was also an excellent game, though playing it now it doesn't really feel like an interactive movie, more like a traditional adventure game.

GarfunkeL said:
This looks to be awesomely bad!
grotsnik said:
Is it wrong to say I like the look of this? It comes across as...really quite charming.
Oh the game does have its charm, and it's obvious the designers were not taking the story very seriously. As I said, that's a good thing, because if they'd made it just a little less cheesy, it would've been just terrible. Adding that extra cheese also gave it some charm.

Edward_R_Murrow said:
I'm hoping for super cheesy death scenes. Hope this game doesn't disappoint.
Unfortunately there's only one death scene, when you lose any of the other arcade scenes. I didn't record it, as I had planned on doing a "movie-like" run of the game, but since it's actually quite entertaining I'll go a take some screenshots and do a semi-update of sorts.
 

Crooked Bee

(no longer) a wide-wandering bee
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Codex 2013 Codex 2014 PC RPG Website of the Year, 2015 Codex 2016 - The Age of Grimoire MCA Serpent in the Staglands Dead State Divinity: Original Sin Project: Eternity Torment: Tides of Numenera Wasteland 2 Shadorwun: Hong Kong Divinity: Original Sin 2 BattleTech Pillars of Eternity 2: Deadfire
Mind. Boggling.

Sceptic said:
If this isn't a James Bond parody then I'm Wyrmlord's alt.

I hope you're not. ;)
 

torpid

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Messages
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Location
Isma's Grove
Blackadder said:
agent_079.png


That bloody face...

Yeah it's smugface incarnate.

Were the actors in these kind of games professional actors, or just the developers and their bros?
 

Sceptic

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Joined
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Messages
10,822
Divinity: Original Sin
UPDATE 2: MONTE CARLO

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We find agent 007 David Wolf as he arrives in Monte Carlo by air and gets a car out of the airport.

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He's not going to have a boring drive for long though!

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Several cars are hot on his trail!

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Welcome to the car chase action. The car kind-of drives itself. It will take the bends by itself, but you can speed up or slow down and forces it off the road on either side. I'm not really sure why you'd want to do either... though driving at the edges of the road has advantages that I will discuss shortly. Anyway the goons behind you also shoot at the car, and too many shots or the car flipping over due to bad driving results in the following cutscene.

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Yes. I know we're approaching the deadline.

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Our agent has been killed. All we can do now is hope and pray.

This is something I will never understand. Would it kill our kwans to yield to demands once in a while? I mean I can understand the "we will never negotiate with terrorists!" shtick as long as you HAVE a backup plan, but when it comes down to either paying a ransom or praying... seriously, do you expect God Almighty to just strike down the Shadowcat when it's in mid-flight?

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Anyway God is obviously on a break (or "in him we trust" was not the smartest choice) because the bomb gets dropped on Capitol Hill.

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This face could make Rance die of jealousy.

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Anyway we can't have the evil terrorists defeat the Mighty Eagle, so we promptly reload the game pick Car Chase 1 from the game's main menu and do it properly this time.

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So, how do we get rid of the pursuing cars? You may've noticed the car, in typical Bond fashion, has its share of gadgets. It has a mounted machine gun (MG), it can release a trail of oil behind it, and it even has a handful of homing missiles. Both MG and missiles are aimed to the front, so we disperse some oil instead. The key is to release the oil right before a sharp turn, along the outer edge, so the cars slip on it, tumble over off road and explode. It's pretty lulzy.

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This indicates a new threat: enemies from the front. Or... well, one enemy, and we have four missiles.

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It doesn't take long to dispose of him. Some more oil takes care of the cars that keep appearing behind us.

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Darn, running out of oil. What, what does this sign mean? Mmm, I wonder what stunt this reminds me of...

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:yeah:

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:yeah:

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Of course what better way to say "smug secret agent" than to park right in front of not one, but TWO no parking signs?

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Will you need me to move Dr. O'Neal?

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Yes, I understand. Oh, very tasty bait, indeed.

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In case you forgot, Horrowitz is a Peregrine undercover agent. However, he isn't entirely undercover, since Garth knows he's a Peregrine agent, and Wolf knows that Garth knows. Which makes some of what happens later a bit... silly.

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The air here reeks of Viper agents. Particularly one Garth Stock.

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The hotel has them booked through tonight only.

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Then I'll have to move fast.

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I think so. We've arranged a submarine rendezvous off the docks of St. Germaine.

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Will you need a boat?

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No thanks. My car can handle it.

This is totally not a reference to The Spy Who Loved Me.

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Where can I find Stock?

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Garth Stock. And I thought this was a quality establishment.

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A bit bumpy and they ran out of Scotch, but otherwise pleasant.

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Traveling alone, I see.

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Yes, temporarily. Although you seem to be in lovely company.

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Miss O'Neal, allow me to introduce myself. I'm...

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Skip the introduction, Wolf. It's only appropriate among friends.

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Ah, friends. Is that what you and Bruno Vasto are these days?

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Interesting that you should mention Mr. Vasto. He brought your name up just the other day. Concerned about your health I think.

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Better yet, I'll tell him myself. I expect to be seeing your enormous friend very soon.

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Garth, I see that your temper is still intact. Too bad I can't say the same for your sense of loyalty.

I wanted to comment on the quality of the writing, the highbrow sarcasm and the post-ironic humor, but really, the lines speak for themselves.

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Room Service!

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:yeah: Take that Shepard :smug:

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:yeah:

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Hold Still while I untie you.

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I'm a Peregrine agent. I presume you're Dr. Kelly O'Neal.

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See folks, THIS is the game that should be remade with high res graphics. Think of all the smugface portraits that could be extracted!

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Do you know where they've taken it?

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They said something about Drax Island in the Mediterranean. There are some papers on the table.

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In case you're wondering, there is no such thing as Drax Island, in the Mediterranean or elsewhere.

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This must be it.

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Come on, we're getting out of here.

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Hold it. How do I know it's safe?

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No comment.

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You're the one I'm worried about.

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I promise to be good.

Extra special no comment.

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Normally I'd be shocked at this surprising and totally unexpected turn of events, but I'm just glad someone put a stop to the avalanche of one-liners.

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oooooor maybe I spoke too soon...

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A rather fatal one I'm afraid. Now raise your hands slowly!

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I said, RAISE YOUR HANDS!

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The classical window exit! :yeah:

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Stop him! I want Wolf DEAD!!!

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Welcome to the other car chase arcade. This one's mostly identical: same weapons, same enemies...

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Well, except for this one. The heli just flies back and forth, spraying the car with bullets until shot down. Fortunately it doesn't take long to get rid of him, and the rest of the ride is uneventful.

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Hey look, a pier! I can TOTALLY not see where this is going (... I wonder if it would've been more proper to NOT shoot down the helicopter?)

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THIS is why you always drive a Lotus Esprit! :yeah:

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Welcome aboard, Sir.

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Director March will be linking up via satellite very soon. I'll see you to your quarters so you can get squared away.

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We have a plane in Cyprus ready to provide an air drop onto Drax Island.

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Their security is tight. We've figured your best bet is to land atop their regular delivery truck.

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It'll be tricky but I'm confident you'll succeed. Get that jet, Wolf!

Off to Cyprus we go.

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Yes, sir.

This guy totally doesn't look or sound suspicious.

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It will be such a pleasure to work with such an exquisite...

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Totally subtle and highbrow joke.

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OK, I was wrong after all, the pilot did take us to our intended destination.

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That's the sound of your death, Wolf.

TO BE CONTINUED...
 

Sceptic

Arcane
Patron
Joined
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Messages
10,822
Divinity: Original Sin
Edward_R_Murrow said:
2dbt8qg.jpg
DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!
:yeah:

Crooked Bee said:
I hope you're not. ;)
Well, is this a Bond parody? Answer one question and you'll have answered the other ;)

torpid said:
Were the actors in these kind of games professional actors, or just the developers and their bros?
I had some fun and compiled a list of actors and what else they did on the game. Here it is:

Sher Alltucker (as Newsperson): makeup and casting.
John Burton (thug): art director and background art
Tom Collie (as Lt. Brooks):background art
Brian Hahn (as Dr. Johnson): animation
Cyrus Kanga (thug): 3D models, documentation
Jerry Luttrell (thug): screenplay, marketing/PR
Anthony R. Reyneke (as Dr. Fenton): administration
Kevin Ryan (as Father Brown): design, programming, screenplay (you'll see him again in Heart of China)
Damon Slye (as Horowitz): design, producer, flight model
Jeff Tunnell (thug): executive producer, Dynamix Big Boss

Angela Clement (as Kelly O'Neal), Kevin Dahlstrom (as Tom Boor), Greg Sheid (as David Wolf), Ben Taitel (as Director March), Duayne White (as Garth Stock): nothing else.

Notice how the ones who are credited at the beginning as the "main" actors are the only ones who weren't part of the regular Dynamix team. Funnily enough they're not credited for anything else in either the game or movie industry, as far as I can tell. No idea if they used pseudonyms or who the hell they are.
 

ironyuri

Guest
agent_116.png


What the fuck? Who wears glasses like that indoors with the lights on to answer the do- :rage:


Infact, this game is so terrigoodbad that I think it warrants this:

FUUUYEEAAHH-.png
 

Crooked Bee

(no longer) a wide-wandering bee
Patron
Joined
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Messages
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Codex 2013 Codex 2014 PC RPG Website of the Year, 2015 Codex 2016 - The Age of Grimoire MCA Serpent in the Staglands Dead State Divinity: Original Sin Project: Eternity Torment: Tides of Numenera Wasteland 2 Shadorwun: Hong Kong Divinity: Original Sin 2 BattleTech Pillars of Eternity 2: Deadfire
Sceptic said:
Of course what better way to say "smug secret agent" than to park right in front of not one, but TWO no parking signs?

:lol:


:lol: This game's, uhm, facial expressions are killing me.
 

Wyrmlord

Arcane
Joined
Feb 3, 2008
Messages
28,886
agent_116.png


agent_117.png
 

torpid

Liturgist
Joined
Aug 2, 2010
Messages
1,099
Location
Isma's Grove
Nice cleavage on Miss O'Neal!

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:x

Thanks for the actor list Sceptic. So it's mostly the team, plus a few actors who never showed up in any other "film". TV actors maybe?
 

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