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Completed Let's Play Magna Vinland: Potato for the Potato Gods

Where will the greater fun be?

  • Take back Romania as Hungary under Vlad III Dracula and Impale Kebab and Hussites.

    Votes: 4 16.0%
  • Unite all West Slavs as Pagan Pommerania and crush Knightly Orders with Hussars.

    Votes: 9 36.0%
  • Save Zoroastrianism, remove falafel and forge a new Persian Empire. Be Saoshyant.

    Votes: 4 16.0%
  • Crush the HRE and unite Germany under Woden with the "Norse Papacy" of Trier.

    Votes: 2 8.0%
  • Take back all clay the Rus stole from Finnic peoples and try to stop ITZ as Finland.

    Votes: 1 4.0%
  • IA! IA! IA! Lead an army of Prisoners of Ice to bring ITZ across the globe as the Aymaras.

    Votes: 5 20.0%

  • Total voters
    25
  • Poll closed .

Lumpy

Arcane
Joined
Sep 11, 2005
Messages
8,525
bunp
 

Cassidy

Arcane
Joined
Sep 9, 2007
Messages
7,922
Location
Vault City
364px-Gamaun.jpg


The destiny of a dying faith

Soundtrack

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Svantevit, Svarog, Rod, Yarilo, all the gods are almost forgotten, even in Pommerania, for most of their land is inhabited by fanatical Romanists. To restore the Slavic faith will require much effort, and much investment. The Slavic faith was never intended towards proselytism, but that can change now that it became something far more definite and under the central authority of the last faithful country of the world. First, a hiring fair was established, and after many undesirable advisors offering their services, finally, an exceptional among a few Slavic theologians showed up, and such a man was precisely the man they needed to bring religious unity to this divided country.

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Nevertheless, it would take decades, if not centuries, for the old faith to be raised to a fraction of its former glory. A long effort lied ahead, which included slaughtering rebellious and intolerant fanatics as well, sometimes.

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In a battle against traitors, Ratzlav II died, and was suceeded by Vitzlav VI, a great administrator. The start of the conversion efforts was blowing winds of hostility into Pommerania, but for now, they were only veiled threats.

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Several traitors decided to act like immense douchebags upon the successon of Vitzlav VI, they would be humiliated yet.

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Idiots, why do they insist upon calling Pommerania, which has no navy, to a war across a continent? Their call is ignored, in spite of the prestige cost, for the hostile climate increases, and all hate-filled Christian neighbors of Pommerania seem to be just waiting to attack and try to either crush the country to irrelevance or retake what they lost before. It is better to enjoy peace while it lasts. It was foolish to have allied with such distant country in the first place.

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The traitors are forced to pull carriages with potatoes shoved deep in their asses for a while in a display of public humiliation, their honor totally destroyed. They won't rise again any time soon.

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The religious conversion efforts are progressing very slowly, and another Prince dies without seeing the growth of his true faith. May Kruto I be more fortunate about that.

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Faith is what defines Pommerania, above all. Pommerania is the only and last bastion of the Slavic gods. Pommerania is the True Faith and the True Faith is Pommerania. The Christians have brought only misery and slaughter to the people of these lands. Tolerance is a path of foolishness for a dying religion. Let none doubt that the gods have given Pommerania Divine Supremacy!

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Yet, Kruto I died without seeing his faith grow anywhere, and left a totally incompetent administrator as the next Prince. Kruto II's incompetence would hurt Pommerania for a long time.

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Specially because the government was already not at its best in its efficiency before the arrival of a total hack in such field. Pommerania cannot afford to expand even an inch before such issues are solved, no matter what. Instead, should zealots wage war, they will have to limit themselves to seizing all their coffers, forcing them to release conquered countries and humiliating them.

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In the Italian city of Genoa, something would eventually tear apart the enemies of the Slavic gods and make them divided among themselves.

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It took decades, but finally, in 1531, the first success of the conversion happened, as a small minority among the Obotrites returned to their ancestral faith, forsaking the petty Jew god and his totally corrupt Church. Finally!

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Some butthurt Czechs decided to react to the news of apostasy and return to the old Slavic faith by a group of Baltic Slavs thanks to missionary efforts of Pommerania. Time to teach them a lesson. Except Kruto I isn't a hack only in administrative affairs. As a general, he is barely average as well. This won't be as easy as in the times Pommerania had superb generals, for decades of peace have dulled their edge in warfare.

(Note: I forgot to rename the provinces, but now I fixed that, as you can see in this Screenshot)

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They never learn. Why can't they leave Pommerania in peace and not be crushed, humiliated and defeated?

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The battles however were being far less one-sided than before, for Kruto II skills were purely in maneuver. Of course that had the benefit of him being able to outrun retreating forces, but it wasn't worth the benefit of being a super leader in leading men to melee or ranged combat, or both.

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Like the Southern Slav brothers of Serbia say: fukc the croatioa.

Bunch of balkan asshols

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: NO, FUCK YOU SHIT SLURPER! CROATIA IS NOT A BALKAN COUNTRY YOU IDIOT! This is just like when my city defended against those hate-filled Serbs, they were all sent packing just like what is left of your scum is right now. Enjoy your hubris asshole!

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As if being pounded by Croatia and Czechs thanks to the incompetence of Kruto II was not enough, the krauts were getting riled up about a "Teutony".

Reinforcements were arriving to the almost annihilated armies of Pommerania, which prepared for the payback against the Ustase

Note: I should rename that event to Teuton Nationalism, but I don't care enough to do this any time soon.

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: I should break all your teeth for insulting all brave Croatians with such retarded and anachronistic word, imbecile!

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And it is time to retake what is theirs, and make Bohemia pay!

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More like: The garrison was defenestrated from tallest window and killed

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The early defeats in this war were nothing. Pommerania recovered fully from them and now it is only a matter of time before the capital of Bohemia falls.

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Their presence was short lasted, unlike the long falls they have after their defenestration.

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The Bohemian armies were completely annihilated. The gods stand on Pommerania's side.

: x

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Praha was defenestrated, victory!

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Divide them among Catholics and Protestants, then conquer.

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This was little considering what they have done, but they learned their lesson nevertheless, and once more, there would be peace. Now would be a good time to seek closer diplomatic ties with neighboring pagan countries, to have more leverage against such stupid Christian neighbors, for wars are always costly. It was time to stand together with the believers of other gods, such as:

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PERKELE!

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And it seems the arrogant Teutons did not understand the message of being utterly defeated twice. Lithuania would also be a handy ally. Unfortunately Scandinavia refuses alliance, in spite of very friendly relations.

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And so the followers of Perkunas also stand on Pommerania's side, no longer as protectors and as their liege, but as allies. This should be enough to prevent undesirable wars. Hopefully.

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Ironically, rather than in the Slavic territories, it was in the Germanicized Havolania that the first great success of this now long effort to bring the Slavic old faith back to proeminence happened. It was a clear sign, that the times were changing, even if slowly. One day most Baltic Slavs shall once again return to their True Faith, and maybe the other Slavs as well.

: x

TO BE CONTINUED
 

Cassidy

Arcane
Joined
Sep 9, 2007
Messages
7,922
Location
Vault City
This update is ultimately about the consequences of Pommerania deeds in fighting the good fight rather than Pommerania itself only.

===================

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Liberation of Nordland: The Sodomite Ascension

Heidevolk - Walhalla Wacht (Nordland Theme)

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The brave Komnenos, the last heirs of the Roman Empire, resist bravely and have seized the city of Constantinople, teaching the worst turk idiot a lesson they won't forget so soon.

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Damn...

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Sometimes, one decision can change the entire course of History, and the decision of Pommerania to honor such call to arms and defy the very Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire was such kind of decision. This would be a difficult war, but they need Lithuania and Finland, and won't leave them behind.

DEATH TO THE FALSE EMPEROR!

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And those damn Czechs, they really never learn. But now they have a backup of massive Austrian armies on their side. Not that such backup prevent the annihilation of most of their army, again.

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:incline:

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What the?

Fortunately they were just a handful of fanatics, but these raids would prove far more constant through the next years than acceptable.

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Austria foolishly sent isolated forces in an attempt to relieve Bohemia. They were naturally wiped out.

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Damn hussites!

Then, suddenly to make all more fun, the Austrians sent a massive army against the siege of Bohemia.

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Kruto II was no miraclemaker, but they could not retreat, or they would be hunted down to oblivion. They had to at the very least deliver too many casualties for the enemy to pursue them.

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Fortunately reinforcements were on the way, hopefully not too late.

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Through superior numbers only, the Austrians won the battle, but not the war. Moravia was conquered, and fortunately the Austrians paid a heavy price for such victory and have chosen to not finish them off.

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The krauts are losing ultimately, and badly. France marches on their territories, and freedom fighters tired of the Romanist oppression dream of restoring Nordland to its former glory. Among these are included a major group of patriots across the Dutch lands, with dozens of thousands raising in arms to free their country from the oppressors, and Pommerania's fight was the perfect distraction for this to happen, as they dream of raising a new flag over those lands: the flag of an united Republic of the Netherlands faithful to Wodan and the Norse gods.

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As for the source of those Hussite raids, Poland became a Taborite theocracy, which endorsed an extremist ideology against social classes and in favor of communal ownership of the means of production. Christian commies... oh dear.

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Through superior leadership, a numerically superior Austrian army was defeated at Litomerice. At this point, aware of what was happening in the territories of Nordland under Austrian control and in Netherlands, Pommerania insisted in fighting not for their own gain, but to ensure the rebels would restore the pagan Confederation stronger than it ever was before.

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Although humiliating Bohemia again was always welcome.

However, the imprudent Kruto II threw the Pommeranian army in a hopeless situation:

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And he finally died bravely in battle, leaving a far more competent heir to assume his place.

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The battle of Moravia was the greatest military disaster of the history of Pommerania. There was only one way to prevent the complete annihilation of the Pommeranian army after this unfortunate event:

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And thus, peace was signed with Austria. However, this war devastated Austria, sinking in war exhaustion and rebellion, and with most of their Dutch provinces fallen to rebels, and most of Wallonia taken by France.

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MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! Leave it to the Dutch to ensure Churches will fly, eventually. For now all idols of their false saints are torn apart.

Thanks to several of the countries that believe in the old gods distracting Austria, Nordland will soon rise from the ashes, stronger than ever, with mighty Netherlands to protect it from further aggression by the False Emperor! The remaining Dutch minor countries that rose amidst the chaos stand helpless next to the revolutionary fervor their inhabitants determined to join the just born Republic of the United Provinces have.

Wodan Heerst!

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To help with the ensurance of Nordland's restoration, Bavaria won the elections and became the New Emperor, taking Flanders with them and isolating the Austrian territories within Nordland.

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The war against outside enemies was over, but because large parts of Pommerania were still nominally within the "Holy Roman" Empire, there were the usual inside enemies to deal with, and they were legion.

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Interesting, if pointless, for it is doubtful the will honor such guarantee.

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The Protestant Reformation tore Christianity apart, and was extremely powerful in its denouncing of the abuses and corruption of the Catholic Church. Bavaria however, in spite of the power and spread of the reformation, refused to negotiate, and was willing to wage war against the heretics. This was naturally good news for Pommerania.

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And they actively encouraged such reformation as well.

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Oh well, declaring the statute of monopolies had its disadvantages.

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But it was not an entirely bad thing to happen.

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By 1552, near the entirety of Nordland recovered from the past conquests of the HRE against them, with only the cities of Brunswick and MĂĽnster still in enemy hands, and most importantly, this restored Nordland, to which Pommerania deeds were a substantial contribution, has raised from the near total collapse stronger than ever, much more united and centralized, with the highlight naturally being the Republic of Netherlands, the source of the rebellion that expelled the Christian zealots away from all these lands.

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As form Pommerania, they were slowly improving the capabilities of their government, and there was a certain satisfaction in playing such a decisive role in the formation a such a country like the pagan Netherlands, far greater than that of mere territorial conquest. They may have signed a white peace with Austria, but by keeping the Austrian armies occupied rather than crushing rebels, they took away from them much, much more than what was written in the peace treaty.

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New countries have risen, others have fallen. Poland became a communist theocracy. The protestant reformation splitted the once united enemies of the Slavic old faith. A lot has happened in this 16th Century so far, but clearly, those who follow the old Norse and Slavic gods have been victorious!*

: x

*Except for Vinland, that was crushed by traitorous skraelingar and the Dagonl'nu
 

Hellraiser

Arcane
Joined
Apr 22, 2007
Messages
11,299
Location
Danzig, Potato-Hitman Commonwealth
What'd be the Polish equivalent of Kim Il Sung?

You would be hard to find one. The commies tried building a cult of personality around Bierut during the stalinist period but they failed for obvious reasons. Commie rule was a recent thing and despite all the terror and brainwashing people despised them, especially those who saw patriots from the home army branded as "traitors". That and the second Polish republic during it's authoritarian period had a far more influential figure surrounded with borderline worship which brings me to my second point.

Closest two poles to reach such a status were Pilsudski and pope John Paul II, although the latter was mostly the sign of catholic zealotry which the pope himself probably wasn't fond of. Pilsudski's cult of personality after the May 1926 coup was pretty much state-enforced, going as far as to making besmirching the marshall's good name illegal in 1938 which was already after his death, and of course using his as a role model for the patriotic upbringing of young potatoes born in the interwar period. It didn't go as far as Stalinist nuttery but a lot of things were named after Pilsudski even during his lifetime. Both the nazis and later the commies tried to eradicate it but they failed only strengthening it among the commie-hating populace.

EDIT: Yeah kaczynski though is a good case of outright batshit cult of personality, luckily it extends only to his nutjob supporters. The extent to which the "smolensk conspiracy" is enforced within his party is outright Goebbelsian.
 

Cassidy

Arcane
Joined
Sep 9, 2007
Messages
7,922
Location
Vault City
In this update, there will be an important decision to vote for, because some circumstances opened up an opportunity that may not show up again.

====================

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Sins of a Holy Roman Empire

Mystery of the Bulgarian Voices

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War, war has changed. Firearms completely altered the nature of the Pommeranian army, and made their once pitiful infantry far more capable. Because of the naturally superior morale of Pommeranian forces regardless of the tactical formation employed thanks to how much of their National Ideas are dedicated to warfare, the Tabor formation was chosen in spite of its mostly defensive nature, for it was much more capable in melee.

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It happens.

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:incline:

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Finally, in 1556, another important step in the resurrection of the Slavic faith was achieved, with the majority of Obotrites now having returned to their real gods. Yet, there is much effort ahead.

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One year later, the Hansa, being in a steep decline now, drove the burghers of Wollin to choose abandoning it. What a shame, for the benefit of having a city in the Hansa was not small.

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Lithuania decided it was time to finish the job, and once again the Baltic Slavs do not flee from the fight.

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Fighting over two fronts is never nice. Therefore, let the Norse Order pay!

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The Teutonic Order has absolutely no chance, this is their end.

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Death to Russia!

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Bohemia being pounded is practically a running gag at this point.

:M

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Return to your precious Israel.

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I think I have seen that before.

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With Bohemia subdued, it was time to go straight for the lands of the False Emperor. It was time to conquer Bavaria!

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The Bavarian armies were utterly defeated, now onto their lands!

: x

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No Russia shall ever exist!

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From rival protestants, Pommerania gains military access to a path that leads right into Bavaria. Time to make use of it.

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Now, once the sieges are over, hopefully Bavaria will be willing to sign a separate peace treaty in exchange for a lot of gold instead of signing peace with Lithuania.

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Another decisive step to put an end to the enemies of King Vaarna.

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It is only a matter of time now.

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But Pommerania got nothing other than a much stronger ally and the glory of victory. Pity.

Yet, the near annihilation of the Teutonic Order made participating of this conflict more than worth, for it demonstrated that the old gods have returned.

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For every good prince, there must be a bad or mediocre one it seems.

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The great Theologian that was at the forefront of restoring the Slavic old faith died after almost fifty years of faithful duty. Another hiring fair was done, and after several unwanted advisors, another theologian, good but not as great as his predecessor, appeared.

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Pommerania needs to be centralized. Haters be damned.

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Nordland must be cursed, because after their near complete restoration, the damn frogs went straight at them. Frenchies...

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Another decisive step in the restoration of the Slavic faith. The HRE will no longer find a Berlin they wish to rule over, for much has changed, and the majority of the population near the river Sprevja worships the potato gods, with a minority of Christians split among Catholics and Calvinists.

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Utterly defeated, the Teutonic Order relinquished their sovereign territories to the False Emperor. This was a historical day, the day when at last, Pommerania and Lithuania have completely vanquished the Teuton crusaders into irrelevance!

: x

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For many years Pommerania has been immersed in traditionalism. Perhaps too much, for such adherence delays technological progress, something that in this day and age can be extremely harmful to a country with so many enemies around them. It is no secret that such traditionalism has brought the country to backwardedness in comparison to most of Europe, and this must change.

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In 1580, an opportunity without equal arose from a massive war between Catholics and Protestants in the False Empire that drew even the Ottoman Empire and Seleukeia to get involved. Austria was boned, and this couldn't be ignored.

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Specially considering what was built in Torun. That would soon be Pommeranian.

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Death to the False Emperor!

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Some stupid Saxons thought they had a chance, they would soon realize their mistake.

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But first, Torun and Kalisz had to be secured.

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The False Emperor may be doomed, for it is surrounded by powerful enemies, with the Turks marching onto Vienna. This is an once in centuries opportunity for Pommerania. An opportunity that however can lead Pommerania to a very dangerous, long and bloody war if pursued.

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Should Pommerania attempt to Dismantle the False Empire by conquering the capitals of the False Emperor and of all the electors?

1) Yes, no matter how long it takes and how much it costs, the end of the false Empire will come!

2) No, because they are a convenient buffer. Who will stop the damn Frenchies from expanding far enough to become Pommerania's neighbors then, considering they already got dangerously close by conquering much of Nordland?
 

Ackermanus

Educated
Joined
Jul 24, 2013
Messages
55
Location
Playground
1. The slaves of the false emperor can still serve as walls in death, after all, and if France goes on a rampage then it won't be the empire of decay that'll stop them, but the brave men of Pommerania. No mercy, no respite.
 

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