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Completed Let's Play Magna Vinland: Potato for the Potato Gods

Where will the greater fun be?

  • Take back Romania as Hungary under Vlad III Dracula and Impale Kebab and Hussites.

    Votes: 4 16.0%
  • Unite all West Slavs as Pagan Pommerania and crush Knightly Orders with Hussars.

    Votes: 9 36.0%
  • Save Zoroastrianism, remove falafel and forge a new Persian Empire. Be Saoshyant.

    Votes: 4 16.0%
  • Crush the HRE and unite Germany under Woden with the "Norse Papacy" of Trier.

    Votes: 2 8.0%
  • Take back all clay the Rus stole from Finnic peoples and try to stop ITZ as Finland.

    Votes: 1 4.0%
  • IA! IA! IA! Lead an army of Prisoners of Ice to bring ITZ across the globe as the Aymaras.

    Votes: 5 20.0%

  • Total voters
    25
  • Poll closed .

Lumpy

Arcane
Joined
Sep 11, 2005
Messages
8,525
chernobump
 

Cassidy

Arcane
Joined
Sep 9, 2007
Messages
7,922
Location
Vault City
Luther_%28Wislicenus%29.jpg


The Decline and Fall of the "Holy" "Roman" Empire

Theme of the true empire

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Saxony was merely an annoying distraction. Wilk IV was determined now, more than ever, to finish the source of all the misery and oppression for the Pommeranian slavs: The "Holy Roman" Empire must fall!

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Along the conflict, Pommerania was finally getting rid of the trappings of feudalism. The prince exerted greater and greater control over the country, no longer relying on unreliable lords, of which many betrayed the gods and their people and sold out to the Norse Order instead of fighting during the darker times. That time is coming to an end, and now the prince of Pommerania instead will rely on a loyal and competent class of bureaucrats to centrally rule over all the lands.

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The transition to an Administrative Republic brought immediate benefits.

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You live in a hovel! You live in a yurt!

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Deja vu. Yet Bohemia is only one of many. That is not even close to bringing the downfall of this vile empire.

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The good news is that Pommerania can afford to fight a long war.

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Wilk IV died before achieving his goal of putting an end to the false empire, and considering the daunting task ahead, it may take three generations of Pommeranian princes, or even more, to finally finish the job.

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Religious conflicts were hastily ended as the oftenly inert HRE woke up to the greatest threat ever to their existence. Fighting almost all of them at once won't be easy, but there will be no other way to achieve such a distant and seemingly impossible feat of dismantling it.

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It was the "Holy" "Roman" Empire that spawned the hateful and intolerant zealots of the Norse and Teutonic Orders. Time for payback.

DEATH TO THE FALSE EMPEROR!

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There will be no leftover of the worst Teutonic kraut once this is done.

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Stupid krauts sent a massive army without a real commander ahead. This enormous strategic mistake was something they paid a very high price for. The light hussars of Pommerania and the Tabor crushed them all.

However, there was the matter of having to kill rebels all the time to ensure the fallen capitals of electors of the HRE will stay that way, and because of it, this could take many decades.

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Bogislaw II died bravely in battle against rebel scum. Long live Perunsmir XI!

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Soon no krauts shall ever again rule over potato.

:x:

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The false empire grows desperate. Buda also fell, and soon Wien shall fall. The scourge of the gods is coming!

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The False Emperor is weak!

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It still is a long, long way to bring it down. Made even longer by the constant rebel scumbags delaying further advances.

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Come and try it!

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Land is conquered and lost, switching hands several times. Never before in these lands have such a war happened since the days of the fall of the real Roman Empire.

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Meanwhile, in England.

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The "Imperial Army" proved to be nothing but a pathetic bluff. HAHAHA, and death to Russia!

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The soldiers of Pommerania must be the best, to give them a better fighting chance against oftenly larger but less skilled armies. Pommerania never kept an immense standing army, even in times of war, except when they were much smaller and prepared for the bold reclaim of the Wend clay that brought them to proeminence.


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Another of the Elector Princes of the false empire is now at the mercy of Pommerania, yet there are more, located mostly quite distant from each other. Military access treaties are secured with those who covet for the fall of the Empire, aware of Pommerania's ambitions being eastwards and against Bohemia, to unite all Slavs, rather than conquer Germans other than those who resettled once potato lands.

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Perunsmir XI may be poor as diplomat and administrator, but he is a formidable general. Will he enter history as the one who brought the final demise of the HRE, or will he die first and have to leave such glory to his heir?

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Shortly after the fall of Frankfurt, the city where the false emperors are crowned, the now far more powerful pagan and sodomite Netherlands offered an alliance to the rising Pommerania, an offer naturally accepted.

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The Balkan kingdom of Croatioa also became an elector of the false empire, and that means it is time to show them which Slav is the STRONG and send them to the zoo hahaha.

With four electors left to be conquered, this ended in a situation where no matter who they declare war against, they will drag almost every single country of the false empire and more outside against them. After much thought, they decided which to attack first:

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Dragging near 100% of the HRE at war against them in the process.

Stay STRONG, this will not fail! There isn't much left!

:x:

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Now only Croatia and two Italian electors remain, and fortunately, circumstances changed towards how many enemies Pommerania would have to fight at once by declaring war on the Ustasa.

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However, the Bavarians, with a massive army, threatened all of this. Thus, Baden was conquered, and they stubbornly refused white peace. A token tribute was paid, insignificant next to what they were about to lose. Or perhaps win, because the fall of the false empire will sooner or later prompt conflicts for unification of the Germans. Hopefully the pagans will prevail once they start.

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Nice. This conflict however dragged on for so long that there was the risk of white peace due to lack of conflict with some electors. Now there was no other choice than to force some to become vassals until the HRE collapses.

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Pommerania may gain very little in territory with this conflict waged mostly for revenged because of what the krauts did against their people. But they definitively will gain a lot of gold.

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This war brought some of the best generals for the country again, including an excellent commander of cavalry for the Hussars.

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Croatia had a powerful standing army. Fighting them head on would be too costly. Instead, they were baited to attack first, and at defense, the Tabor infantry was truly formidable, after all.

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They fell right into the trap, and thus, the complete annihilation of their army was at hand.

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And the capital of the Balkan Croatia fell

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: FUCK YOU TURDLICKER! CROATIA IS NOT A BALKAN COUNTRY YOU RETARDED SACK OF SHIT, I WANT TO PUNCH YOUR FACE SO HARD ALL YOUR TEETH WILL FALL TO MAKE YOUR HORSESHIT BRAIN UNDERSTAND THAT CROATIA IS NOT A BALKAN COUNTRY!

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:smug:

And now, only two Italian electors remain. Yet, they will be the toughest, because both are protected by the powerful Papal State, and thus time will be of essence. There will be no second to be wasted in waiting them to surrender. A bloody assault on both capitals will be the only way, and Perunsmir XI was ready to do whatever it takes to finish this, now that it is so close to completion.

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The capital of Genoa was conquered, opening the route into Savoy, one of the last two electors not yet defeated by the scourge of the gods.

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To be ready for the daunting and risky assaults, Pommerania seeks to forge an army based on quality above quantity, with only the best trained and capable men accepted inside. Great military reforms are enacted in preparation for the final battles to bring an end, at last, to the False Empire.

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The Pope will defend the Italian electors against the heathens, with their massive armies. Only a truly exceptional fight can avoid all the sacrifices to get this far to end for nothing, because the rebel scum is relentless, and time is running short. If only Pommerania was less tired of war, Rome would burn, for unlike Attila, they were not afraid of their false god.

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Victory! It is so close now... so close.

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The Hussars are sent to retake Wien from some rebel assholes first, but soon, soon the end will come for this false empire.

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Modena is protected by far more extensive fortifications than Piedmont. This will be a bloody battle, and it won't be easy, but there is no other way. Several occupied capitals of the false empire are about to fall to scum of all types. They must conquer Modena, or many more decades may be wasted for this.

The small army defending it stood no chance, but the assault would determine the victory. Perunsmir XI personally led the men in the siege towers and ladders onto the heavily fortified city. Thousands died during the initial phase, but he never gave up.

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Eventually, the defenders were utterly overwhelmed, and victory was getting close at hand, final victory. The sacrifice of so many thousand brave Pommeranians won't be in vain!

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And at last, in 5th of February of 1610, after more than thirty years of total war...

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Prince Perunsmir XI delivered the peace terms to the still occupied Wien. Among them, the complete dissolution of the Holy Roman Empire was the most important and non-negotiable. And thus, Perunsmir XI of Pommerania would become known forever in History as Perunsmir XI, Destroyer of the Holy Roman Empire.

:x:

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Already having control over Liubice, Pommerania decided to sell Gdunsk to Lithuania, for they had little claim to the Prussian trading city. Meanwhile, with the end of the false empire, what was left of the restored Nordland other than the Dutch finally united themselves under the banner of the true Emperor of the Germans: the Duke of Cleves, now more powerful than ever.

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Pommerania was too exhausted with this thirty-year war to pursue aggressive expansion right now, having limited themselves to some Polish provinces and Litomerice, however, the dream of uniting all west slavs, now that the false empire and their meddling was over, was stronger than ever. In Netherlands, and perhaps in the future, Cleves as well, Pommerania may find new powerful allies. They have defied an empire and an entire Church, and they have won. What could stop Pommerania from achieving glory after glory by uniting all Slavs now? The mythical horrors of the Dagonl'nu and of the Eldritch Inca Empire? Too far away to ever be a threat.

TO BE CONTINUED

PS: You have no idea of how frustrating achieving this was because of constant rebels.
 

Baltika9

Arcane
Joined
Jun 27, 2012
Messages
9,611
What could stop Pommerania from achieving glory after glory by uniting all Slavs now? The mythical horrors of the Dagonl'nu and of the Eldritch Inca Empire? Too far away to ever be a threat.
I see what you did there.
 

Cassidy

Arcane
Joined
Sep 9, 2007
Messages
7,922
Location
Vault City
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Every STRONG country needs to REMOVE KEBAB one day

Krzesimir Dębski - A kto tu jest szczęśliwy na tej Ukrainie

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The army of Pommerania becomes more advanced, but such developments are not sufficient. They need to catch up to the rest of the world before the principality can focus on improving the efficiency of their rule. The old light hussars are becoming less and less sufficient for the new circumstances, and these musketeers are far from the best.

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And so, the scourge of the gods, the destroyer of the "Holy Roman" Empire, Perunsmir XI, passed away peacefully in his sleep due to his advanced age. He truly proved himself a great and valorous man, and his name will be remembered in History for his deeds.

:salute:

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A diplomatic mess left by the destruction of the false empire had to be fixed. Keeping those countries as vassals was not worth the trouble.

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Yet, in the spiritual battlefield, things weren't as bright as in the temporal one, with many still worshipping the false god and bringing all kinds of trouble because of it. More help was recruited, after dismissing several worthless advisors and sacrificing much prestige in a hiring fair.

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The enormous wealth amassed from the defeated HRE through peace terms was put to good use, to thank Svarog, Svetovid and all gods for this great victory by supporting the expansion of the Slavic true faith.

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:incline:

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And finally, most of historical Pommerania and Elbian Wendish territories have returned to the old gods. The Hussites however were very stubborn, far more difficult to convince than Catholics. They had a far more coherent theology, with much less self-contradictions and emotional shortcomings to exploit. Their faith was deeply entrenched in their hearts, and if ever, it would take a long, long time over generations for it to come to an end.

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But there was much greater structure to the Slavic faith than ever. Although it lacked a central "holy book", a proper liturgy was long established, and great pagan theologians have gained much ground in modernizing and giving a greater spirituality and divine inspiration within the Slavic faith, chiseling it like a rough gem. Plain altars of stone and wood changed to glorious open-air buildings of intricate architectural beauty, more akin to the old temples of the Hellenistic gods in their splendour than to the crude structures of a people who mostly have forsaken the old gods first than becoming truly civilized.

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Sometimes, this happens. Not a big setback.

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I think the Medium Hussars don't need an introduction. As for the Hadjuks, they are awesome. It was through these two units that Serbia in the other Let's Play crushed the worst turk like a skull of pig. Both are better at offense than defense.

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They succeed in their first trial against an enormous legion of Hussite heathens.

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France may be powerful, but it is backwards and feudal, and they have been in a short straw towards chaos for too long.

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Krzesimir Dębski - Tatarzy (AKA Najgorszy Turcy)

RETURN TO YOUR PRECIOUS MONGOLIA!

No matter how unlikely it seems at first, kebab removal is an inevitable activity for any STRONG enough potato, and Pomorze will pop their REMOVE KEBAB cherry against the stupid Kazan savages.

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Their legions are massive but poorly trained, equipped, backwards and inferior, as expected from such farm animals. The brave and elite soldiers of Finland fight with immense skill, crushing the Turks(Tatars, Turks, Bosniks all the same asshole sqhiper sqhiper as surely as Croatia is Balkan) like a skull of pig even when vastly outnumbered, and when the Medium Hussars of Pommerania arrived at Bjarmia...

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POMORZE STRONG!

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:x:

They sent more legions, but the awesomeness of the Hussars and of the Elite Regiments of the top quality Finnish Army ensured the removal of dozens of thousands of kebab. And now, it was time to strike back, but not from Bjarmia, tight and with supply issues, but by securing military access from others that hate Kazan as much as the "Pagan alliance", as the network of treaties between Pommerania, Lithuania, Netherlands, Sweden and Finland is informally called, currently does.

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Most of the Pommeranian army stays home to deal with the usual rebel scum, but four thousand men and enough cannons to leverage a small city in minutes head onto Kazan through the access provided by Novgorod and Muscovy.

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It doesn't take long for their heavy artillery to pound the first of many Tatar controlled territories into submission. The Garrisson was taken to a bath of dead turk, actually. Some Wends noticed how strikingly similar these Tatars are to the Jews they have universally expelled from their clay, having all big noses and the head of a melon. Coincidence? Probably not. They are all one and the same, and their religions of war and hatred have destroyed ancient faiths and peoples through tyranny and mass slaughter. Melonheads gonna melonhead.

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More removal. Their numbers were frightening, but when it became obvious how immensely inept and backwards the armies of these savages were, all have changed.

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The government of Pomorze still is not efficient enough. With all military victories of Pomorze, but the constant problem of administrative inefficiency, it is obvious that improving the systems of rule comes first than making the army of Pommerania an overkill. Plus, the benefit of inflation reduction will come handy from the creation of such extensive bureacracy, a natural match for an administrative monarchy, for while right now Pommerania is economically powerful enough to never need minting, in the past the brutal wars waged against the long defeated Teutonic Order, and against the Norse Order have forced them to mint a lot, raising their inflation to a point where right now, in spite of minimal minting, it is around 10%, and even once it is over, having more leeway with the mints is always useful to increase available funds.

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Is there any argument on why Pommerania should endure poor administration and have an overkill army instead? Besides, poor administration causes technological backwardedness, which ultimately makes such benefits of military NIs pointless as more technologically advanced countries will always win in the end. Just ask The University of Planet when they pounded the Lord Believers in late game Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri.

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The Russians must be really incompetent to have lost so many wars to these savages that fight more like cavemen than like 17th century countries.

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The benefits of the adoption of a well organized bureaucracy are clear.

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An army once sized in more than twenty thousand kebabs was reduced to nothing, hunted like the farm animals they are by the Pommeranian Hussars.

POMORZE STRONG!

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Too bad those dumb animals are too dumb to accept paying a heavy indemnity to Pommerania to not be removed from the premises anymore. Onwards!

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This battle shows perfectly the immense disparity between Kazan and Pommerania in the competence of their armies. While other Potato countries may have a reputation of having poorly trained, cannon fooder and massive conscript armies, Pommerania's dedication to having a relatively small for their size but extremely competent and quality army shows again how superiority in numbers do not necessarily mean victory.

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Hopefully Sweden will make them pay a high price for being scum.

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:x:

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Like a skull of pig, they were crushed.

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Sweden demanded an immense tribute from the savages. But if they are ppoor stink Turks who live in yurts, where did they get that much money? Cheating and stealing like the asshole they ares, of course! Which means justice was made, and they were utterly humiliated, slaughtered not by hundreds, or by thousands, but dozens of thousands.

POMORZE GREATEST COUNTRY!

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The faith in a smith god brings much benefit everywhere mining and smithing is important.

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Meanwhile, in the Balkans...

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: I WILL TRAVEL TO BILBAO AND PUNCH THE FACE OF THAT TURD-LICKER KING OF NAVARRA, AND ONCE I AM DONE, I WILL COME TO YOU AND MAKE YOU NEVER BE ABLE TO DEFECATE FROM YOUR INTESTINAL BRAIN THE BULLSHIT CLAIM OF CROATIA BEING A BALKAN COUNTRY BECAUSE CROATIA IS NOT A BALKAN COUNTRY!

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And with Kazan crushed like a skull of pig and the truces of the war for the destruction of the HRE over, the time has come, the beginning of the end of the unification of all West Slavs!

:x:

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Joined
Dec 28, 2012
Messages
6,657
Location
Rape
MOAR!

Also, please take over the rest of Poland. NAO.

Half Potato is no Potato but just plant from Kwa, sheeple and manboon.

Are the half potatoes two potato? Of course not, everyone knows that no one can have two potato because there can be no two potato.

If potato is to exist it must be whole potato, wholesome and STRONK.
 

Cassidy

Arcane
Joined
Sep 9, 2007
Messages
7,922
Location
Vault City
This update will have a very important decision for you to vote for at the end, one that will shape the future of Pommerania before the ITZ.

================

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Pomorzkrieg

Krzesimir Dębski - Spalenie Wsi

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Once again, Bohemia was utterly crushed, their final demise draws near, and so it shall be for Poland, where the people live oppressed under a brutal, inhuman communistic theocracy where an unholy blend of clergy with politiburo lives in luxury from the slavery of the people to such false "equality", in the name of the false god. It will soon come to an end.

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At this point, Poland was nothing short of a pushover.

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And now, hopefully the occupations can finish them off at once instead of demanding further wars to utterly vanquishing the worst potato.

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Meanwhile, all the turk farm animals ravish the rotting and declining carcass of Seleukeia.

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Oh great, an incompetent succeeds Wilk V.

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WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?

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And finally, the rising power of Nordland, Cleves, realizes the wisdom of allying themselves with mighty Pomorze, and now, all those who still remember the old gods, even if the gods themselves have different names and purposes, are united to fight against the Romanists!

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Only the best are accepted in the ranks of the glorious army of Pomorze, rather than the rabble usually associated with stereotypical Slavic military forces.

Meanwhile, this vast network of alliances made the Dutch sodomites grow very bold, and they could count on Pomorze to help them. For too long the frog scum have oppressed pagans in the parts of Nordland they conquered, and now it is payback time!

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ACTHUNG POMORZ!

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The plan is simple, to surprise the Frenchies through a massed offensive from the Ardennes forest. Heathen legions of Germans with banners of Sowilo runes and Slavs with banners of Swastikas marched on to crush the Frogs and subjugate the complacent and proud France to the old gods. And of course, Pomorze hates Jews. Coincidental reflection of the space-time continuum of another universe in the 1940s? I think not!

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Advancing from the forests, the armies of Pommerania surprised the arrogant Jew puppet known as Charles X.

:flamesaw:

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When united, not even ther Frogs can stop the pagans from achieving victory.

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An entire French army was encircled and annihilated in Trier, and this was only the beginning. The arrogant frogs needed to be taught a lesson so they would never, ever dare to invade and conquer the clay of the pagans again!

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Now it is up to the infantry and artillery of Pommerania and to the Dutch sodomites to finish the job. The Hussars remained at home this time, to crush the usual rebel scum.

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And so far the Frenchies are being taught a painful lesson. Their oppression against those who worship Woden will come to an end now!

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Good thing they agreed, or Pommerania would have to blitz through their territories and occupy them first.

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However, the glories against the once thought invincible France were not matched by the even more terrible and dumb successor of Perunsmir XII. May Tetzlav I jump from a tall tower thinking he is a dragon.

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Heavy artillery and the aggressive and irregular combat style of the Hadjuk have brought victory over Vlaanderen. Now the conquest of France may be possible, for if this retreating French army is annihilated, the losses will be too much even for a kingdom like France.

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EAT POTATO, BE VICTORIOUS!

:x:

The Neanderthals were cheese-eaters and they went extinct, supposedly defeated and annihilated by inferior sapiens manboons in spite of their supposed superiority. Coincidence? I think not!

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But the French somehow kept sending more and more men to the meatgrinder. The 1st Army of Pommerania would have to return home, leaving only the artillery corps in the front. Fortunately, at this point the Dutch army was about to conquer Ile de France. From the Ardennes, they advanced and surprised the Frenchies that imagined this would be another trivial victory.

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As the very capital of France was under siege, the King of France did what Frogs do best:

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VICTORY!

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Poor The Brazilian Slaughter. Not so long ago Portugal occuppied all of England, but foolishly didn't crush England in a way they couldn't take revenge from later, and now they are paying the price of being too merciful in the previous war and only demanding them to release a Scotland that was already annexed by England again. Nevertheless, Portugal still retain a vast colonial empire over the New World, but it was proven insufficient to save their own homeland from being conquered.

Note: I really raised the bar of the Protestant Reformation events which is why that province in Portugal for example is Protestant. That is intentional, to make playing with the Papal States more fun than the usual, besides they having a core on Jerusalem from game start.

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Unfortunately, White peace would happen first than total conquest of Poland. Oh well, time to wait for the truce with Bohemia to end, which will happen in the same year of this victory, and hope the Poles will be foolish enough to break their own truce in defense of Bohemia.

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Like mouses to the cheese. Once again Poland is at war, and this time they will be almost completely annihilated.

:x:

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There was no battle worth showing in this.

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Now once the truce is over, there will be no more worshippers of the false Jew god ruling over West Slavic lands!

:x:

Note: Invaded Poland and France through the Ardenness and defeated both... I love the coincidences.

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Fortunately cancelling that military access was at hand.

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This time it will be an easily won war for the Netherlands. They don't really need help to conquer Wallonia. After all Wallonians and French are all the same frogs.

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Where is your God now, France?

And eventually there would be the time to finish the job with Poland, once the truce is over but there was one issue with that. First, the state of the world:

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Pay close attention to that enormous green blob of kebab and answer:

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(Ignore the "breaking truce", this war will only happen if voted for after the truce is over)

REMOVE KEBAB/GYRO FROM THE PREMISES OF EAST SLAVS?

1) Yes, take a bath of dead turk! POMORZE STRONG!

2) No, declare war against Hungary instead to lure Poland to the fight without dragging the worst turk to this conflict, and finish them off. Maybe Poland will not fall for the same trap again, however it is worth a try before ending in a gigantic war against the powerful Ottoman Empire..

3) No, and forget about Krakow
 

Hellraiser

Arcane
Joined
Apr 22, 2007
Messages
11,300
Location
Danzig, Potato-Hitman Commonwealth
Cassidy said:
The plan is simple, to surprise the Frenchies through a massed offensive from the Ardennes forest. Heathen legions of Germans with banners of Sowilo runes and Slavs with banners of Swastikas marched on to crush the Frogs and subjugate the complacent and proud France to the old gods. And of course, Pomorze hates Jews. Coincidental reflection of the space-time continuum of another universe in the 1940s? I think not!

:lol: there's emergent gameplay and then there's emergent lulz.

Also voting 2.
 

JagreenLern

Erudite
Patron
Joined
Jul 6, 2010
Messages
1,061
Location
Compton, California
MCA Project: Eternity
2.
There are things out there much, much worse than worst turk. Soon worst turk will be the only thing standing between these things and Pomorze.
 

Jester

Arbiter
Joined
Mar 24, 2013
Messages
1,493
2
 

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