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Let's Play Oblivion: The Adventures of Snails!!!!1! (Finito)

OccupatedVoid

Arbiter
Joined
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Messages
1,846
Location
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Code:
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                      .' / )))^^\\  )
                     (> (( e Va  )   )
                     [_3 )   <__>.__) (  )
                    /          \ (    ) )
                   / .V      (\ \( ( ( (\
                  / / ( .)  .) \ \)/ \ ) \
                ,--.\_/     /   \ / /     `.__
               /    \.'\ -  \__  / /._/       `''-.
              /  .^   "/## .'  \/ / \ \            `.   .-
             /  / \    {i}(    / / \__>\   c  ##     \.'  \
            / .'   \___.-._>._/ /\      `.    #\\     \  / `""`-..._-._
        _.-' /             __/ /  \n-     '-.____\      /_______________>
      c___/             //_.' `./  3            \    /
                                 ( /'              `--'
                                  `
How about this kind of bump?

EDIT: Fuck yeah! 3rd page!
 

Elzair

Cipher
Joined
Apr 7, 2009
Messages
2,254
Chapter 2: I Blow Dis Joint!

Chapter 2: I Blow Dis Joint!

Well, Snails is now in the presence of Uriel Septim, descendant of Tiber Septim and Emperor of all Tamriel. How should he address such an important man?

Oblivion2009-06-3020-29-17-64.jpg


I like the second option!

picard.jpg
Assasins attacked my sons, and I'm next.

picard.jpg
My Blades are leading me out of the city along a secret escape route.

picard.jpg
By chance, the entrance to that escape route leads through your cell.

Now we come to some dialogue options! Let's see, the first one seems incredibly retarded, so let's pick the second one.

Oblivion2009-06-3020-29-35-46.jpg


picard.jpg
Perhaps the Gods have placed you here so that we may meet.

snails.jpg
Thank you, lord! In praise of your holy name, your humble servant Snails will try not to steal anything for the next three hours!

picard.jpg
As for what you have done ... it does not mater.

snails.jpg
Whew!

picard.jpg
That is not what you will be remembered for.

Oblivion2009-06-3020-30-00-25.jpg


Aw hell! Well, I guess I better pick it to get this thing over with! I wonder who he could be ....

picard.jpg
I am your emperor, dumbass!

picard.jpg
You are a citizen of Tamriel, and you, too, shall serve her in your own way.

picard.jpg
You will find your own path. Take care ... there will be blood and death before the end.

snails.jpg
Whoopie ..... </sarcasm>

Well, I wonder where they could be going?

Oblivion2009-06-3020-30-37-21.jpg


Well! A hidden door in my cell! Isn't that convenient!

Oblivion2009-06-3020-30-42-42.jpg


snails.jpg
You damn right it is!

The party walks a ways before they are beset by attackers.

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Apparently, the white bitch dies in the fight. Shame! Even bigger shame is that she won't even part with her armor in death!

Oblivion2009-06-3020-31-42-44.jpg


snails.jpg
At least she has a nice sword!

Oblivion2009-06-3020-31-46-31.jpg


No shit! How did the Mythic Dawn know about this place? The only people supposed to know about this place were the Emperor, the Blades, and a whole lot of goblins!

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Since you couldn't even keep the Emperor and his sons alive, I wouldn't be boasting, buddy!

Oblivion2009-06-3020-32-00-65.jpg


snails.jpg
It's 'cuz I'm black, ain't it!

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Well, where do we go now!

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snails.jpg
YYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RAAAATTTTSSSS!!!

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Our hero furiously swats at the rats until they stop twitching. Then he proceeds into the hole in the wall that has just opened.

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snails.jpg
What the hell is a chest doing here? Oh well! Free loot!

Oblivion2009-06-3020-35-27-10.jpg


snails.jpg
Not bad!

Now, let's test out the magic system.

Oblivion2009-06-3020-37-14-82.jpg


Say hi to the rat!

Oblivion2009-06-3020-37-26-93.jpg


Say bye to the rat!

Now let's check out the lockpick minigame!

Oblivion2009-09-0911-34-29-65.jpg


When a chest is locked, you have the option of trying to automatically open it using your lockpicking skills like every good rpg, or you can play this little minigame.

Oblivion2009-09-0911-34-35-37.jpg


The objective is to use the lockpick to push the pins up to the top and only attempt to lock the pin into place when it is right at the top. When all five pins have been locked into position, the chest will unlock.

Now, let's carry on! Snails gets a key from a dead goblin and opens the door.

Oblivion2009-06-3020-39-26-17.jpg


snails.jpg
Man that food must be mouldy as shit! I ain't touchin' that stuff!

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Apparently, this is Bethesda's version of the pixel hunt! Here is a sack in the dark that you would likely miss if you weren't looking hard for it. I wonder what treasures are inside.

Oblivion2009-06-3020-40-11-10.jpg


snails.jpg
That's all! Man Hines is a miserly jerk!

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snails.jpg
I don't like de looks of dem skulls!

Sorry, Snails! It's the only way to get out of here!

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Here is Snails trying to sneak past a goblin. As long as the cursor is not bright, Snails should be able to go undetected.

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However, that is boring, so let's do some combat!

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Here is a pair of dead goblins that Snails slew! Who thought Wayons could do that!

BTW, what the hell are goblin's doing in the super-secret Imperial escape tunnels? The Blades aren't doing their jobs properly!

Oblivion2009-06-3023-03-53-20.jpg


Well, after that detour through a goblin cave, we have finally caught up with the Emperor and his entourage.

Oblivion2009-06-3023-04-11-14.jpg


Apparently, they are not happy to see Snails!

picard.jpg
He can help us. He must help us.

snails.jpg
Whew! Saved by the Uriel!

picard.jpg
They cannot understand why I trust you. They've not seen what I've seen.

picard.jpg
How can I explain?

snails.jpg
You can start by explaining just what the hell is going on?

picard.jpg
Listen. You know the Nine? How They guide our fates with an invisible hand?

adamsmith.jpg
Yes, it is called the free market.

Shut up Adam Smith! We're not talking about that Invisible Hand.

adamsmith.jpg
Well, excuuuusse me, Princess!

snails.jpg
What the hell is Batman doing here?

You are thinking about Adam West.

batman.jpg
Did someone mention my name? Is the safety of Gotham imperiled by some nefarious ne'er-do-well?

Go back to Family Guy, West! You've been washed-up since the '60s!

batman.jpg
You're no fun! Plus, helping these people would give me a chance to fight crime once again!

These people are way out of your league, West!

batman.jpg
I've been in tight spots before! Remember when I got rid of that bomb?

You mean the one with the two-minute long fuse?

batman.jpg
I still got rid of it. Plus, I got Robin to say 'Holy Heart-failure!' That was pretty cool!

Alright. I guess I could let you stick around for a while.

picard.jpg
Are we quite done?

Sure Picard! Sure!

Oblivion2009-06-3023-04-45-53.jpg


We now reach a milestone! Here marks the first time Bethesda has taken a page of Bioware's playbook and included three ways to say the exact same thing! Like most Bioware options, whatever you say, Picard will say .... the same thing.

snails.jpg
I don't know. I don't think about it.

picard.jpg
I've served the Nine all my days, and I chart my course by the cycles of the heavens.

picard.jpg
The skies are marked with numberless sparks, each a fire, and every one a sign.

picard.jpg
I know these stars well, and I wonder ... which sign marked your birth?

Alright, here is where we choose a birthsign. Basically, a birthsign will give your characters certain advantages and possibly, depending on the size of the advantage, some potential disadvantages. It just offers a further level of customization. The only one that really makes the game more interesting is the Atronach sign, but since I did not pick it, we won't go into that discussion.

Oblivion2009-06-3023-06-27-65.jpg


I picked the Thief Sign, which gives Snails ten point bonuses to his Speed, Agility and Luck attributes. He is going to need all of them!

picard.jpg
The signs I read show the end of my path. My death, a necessary end, will come when it will come.

snails.jpg
What about me?

picard.jpg
My dreams grant me no opinions of success. Their compass ventures not beyond the doors of death.

picard.jpg
But in your face, I behold the sun's companion. The dawn of Akatosh's bright glory may banish the coming darkness.

picard.jpg
With such hope, and with the promise of your aid, my heart must be satisfied.

snails.jpg
Aren't you afraid to die? 'Cuz I know I'd be.

picard.jpg
No trophies of my triumphs precede me. But I have lived well, and my ghost shall rest easy.

picard.jpg
Men are but flesh and blood. They know their doom, but not the hour.

picard.jpg
In this I am blessed to see the hour of my death...

picard.jpg
... To face my apportioned fate, then fall.

snails.jpg
Yo, where we goin' to?

picard.jpg
I go to my grave. A tongue shriller than all the music calls me.

picard.jpg
You shall follow me yet for a while, then we must part.

Oblivion2009-06-3020-30-29-85.jpg


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snails.jpg
So I have finally earned this guy's acceptance! Whoopie ... </sarcasm>

Shut up, Snails! At least he isn't trying to kill you anymore!

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We head down a stairwell now! The other black dude goes ahead to check it out.

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Are we gonna make it?

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snails.jpg
Man! I knew it was to good to be true!

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Good thinking!

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Or not!

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snails.jpg
First you're tryin' ta kill me; now you're givin' me orders? What's witchoo!

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This is no time for ebonics!

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snails.jpg
What's the matter? You tired?

picard.jpg
I am 87 years old! What the fuck do you think?

snails.jpg
Jeez, you old-ass crackas are touchy! Everyone in de last few hours has had a stick jammed so far up they ass dat it lifts dem right off da flo'!

picard.jpg
I don't have time for this!

picard.jpg
Take the Amulet. Give it to Jauffre. He alone knows where to find my last son.

picard.jpg
Find him, and close shut the jaws of Oblivion.

snails.jpg
You got kids on the side too! Why ya think I took up thievin'? I may be a thief, but the child support agents are the real crooks!

picard.jpg
That does it! Nothing is worth this shit! I am leaving! Todd Howard, where is my check?!

toddhoward.jpg
Right here!

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Bethesda plays rough!

Anyway, let's thrash this artard!

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snails.jpg
Looks like it!

The black guy rambles on for a while and repeats everything the Emperor just said. Boring! Let's get to the Class Creation screen.

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This is Snail's class. He is not a thief! He's a gotta-get person!

Baurus then tells me to head to Weynon Priory, which is near Chorrol, but first we have to go through the sewers.

Oblivion2009-06-3023-23-45-79.jpg


snails.jpg
I hate sewers! They're full of rats and ... YEEEEE!!!

Oh come on, you big baby! You've faced far worse just a few minutes ago!

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Would a torch make you feel better?

snails.jpg
Yessuh.

Good!

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After a mostly uneventful journey, we reach the exit to the sewers / intro dungeon.

Oblivion2009-06-3023-26-34-95.jpg


What's this? Apparently we can alter Snails to improve his manners. How interesting ....

snails.jpg
You ain't touchin' shit, white boy!

Sigh. Fine. We'll leave him as he is!

Anyway, tune in next time for more exciting adventures of Snails in Oblivion!!!
 

Elzair

Cipher
Joined
Apr 7, 2009
Messages
2,254
Chapter 3: What Da Hell Is Dis Red Gate?

Chapter 3: What Da Hell Is Dis Red Gate?

batman.jpg
Will our heroes manage to escape the Pendulum of Doom before the hourglass runs out? Will the Riddler's dastardly plan to seize the bank account of the Cyrrodil orphanage succeed? Will...

Shut up West!

batman.jpg
I am just trying to make things more dramatic!

It's melodramatic enough as it is without you adding anything to it!

Okay where were we?

Right. When we last left Snails, he had just emerged from the sewers ....

snails.jpg
Yeek! I smell!

... into the sunlight.

Oblivion2009-06-3023-27-27-76.jpg


These next five minutes are BY FAR the best of the game! The intro dungeon is just long enough, and the world is just pretty enough to give you the illusion that you are walking into a wide open world where anything can happen. Of course, that feeling wears off after a few minutes (especially if you have played the game before), but that feeling is good!

The following screenshots are just some sightseeing I did while I was high on Oblivion.

Oblivion2009-06-3023-28-47-37.jpg


This is what the Vvardenfell Mudcrab has become!

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Here is how it looks on the inside!

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This is Snails by some Ayleid ruins.

Oblivion2009-06-3023-30-02-42.jpg



Oblivion2009-06-3023-30-03-79.jpg


This is Snails getting the crap kicked out of him by some uppity white bitch!

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This is some wandering Imperial guard telling me shit I already knew.

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Look! A small roadside inn!

snails.jpg
There looks to be a horse in that stable. I wonder ....

Oblivion2009-06-3023-33-49-92.jpg


I approach the horse from the side and hop aboard.

Here are some screenshots of Snails on his illgotten horse.

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Oblivion2009-06-3023-34-25-59.jpg


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Okay, that's enough sightseeing for one game! Let's get this show on the road!

I now fast travel to Weynon Priory.

Oblivion2009-06-3023-43-16-62.jpg


What a nice little chapel!

Oblivion2009-06-3023-44-05-42.jpg


I find Brother Jauffre, a.k.a. Mr. Creepy Hands, in his quarters.

jauffre.jpg
I'm Brother Jauffre. What do you want?

snails.jpg
I brought you the Amulet of Kings

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This cannot be. No one but the Emperor is permitted to handle the Amulet. Let me see it.

snails.jpg
Aiight!

jauffre.jpg
By the Nine! This IS the Amulet of Kings!

snails.jpg
Told 'ya!

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Who are you? How did you get this? What do you know of the Emperor's death?

Word travels fast around here!

Okay, the rest of this boring conversation boils down to this:
1. A newly crowned Emperor uses the Amulet of Kings to light the Dragonfires at the Temple of Akatosh in Cyrrodil.
2. With the emperor dead, the fires are absent.
3. Somehow, this keeps Daedra (a.k.a. those demon things) out of Tamriel.
4. The Emperor had an illegitimate son, Martin, and Jauffre knows where he is.

jauffre.jpg
His name is Martin. He serves Akatosh in the Chapel in the city of Kvatch, south of here.

jauffre.jpg
You must go to Kvatch and find him at once. If the enemy is aware of his existence, as seems likely, he is in terrible danger.

snails.jpg
Man the white folk always want me to clean up their shit for them! Well, I am sick of it, y'hear!

Oblivion2009-06-3023-47-38-31.jpg


snails.jpg
Now you're speakin' my language!

jauffre.jpg
Prior Maborel and Brother Piner may also be able to help. You should speak to them about it if you haven't already.

Alright! Let's see what loot we get!

Brother Piner gives us a book, The Warp in the West.

Prior Maborel gives me his horse. Cha-ching!

Eronor, the stableboy, gives me a hammer.

Well, it's time to saddle my (legal) horse and get my ass to Kvatch.

Oblivion2009-06-3023-53-25-46.jpg


snails.jpg
OMG! I've been assaulted by Tom Hanks in bad makeup!

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God's blood, you don't know, do you?

snails.jpg
Of course I don't, dumbass! You haven't told me!

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Daedra overran Kvatch last night! There were glowing portals outside the walls! Gates to Oblivion itself!

tomhanks.jpg
There was a huge creature ... something out of a nightmare ... came right over the walls ... blasting fire. They swarmed around it ... killing ...

snails.jpg
Dere's no way the whole city can be dead!

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Go and see for yourself! Kvatch is a smoking ruin! We're all that's left, do you understand me? Everyone else is dead!

snails.jpg
So why aren't you?

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It was Savlian Matius ... some of the other guards ... helped some of us escape ... they cut their way out, right through the city gates.

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Savlian says they can hold the road. No ... no. I don't believe him. Nothing can stop them. If you'd seen it, you'd know ...

snails.jpg
This is one crazy yellow cracka'!

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I'm getting out of here before it's too late! They'll be here any minute, I'm telling you. Run while you can!

Let's see what the (surviving) townsfolk have to say!

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So Martin is in the city? Shit!

Well, let's climb the hill to Kvatch!

Oblivion2009-07-0100-01-02-56.jpg


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It's a beautiful day in Oblivion!
A beautiful day for a daedra!
Would you be mine?
Would you be mine?


I then run up to Savlian Matius and ask how I can help.

Oblivion2009-07-0100-03-16-54.jpg


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Aw hell! You mean I have to close that damn thing! YEEEE!!!!

Since the rest of the world is useless, that pretty much leaves you by default.

snails.jpg
YEEEE!!!!!

First, let's see if Martin is alive. Going past the Oblivion Gate, we enter the city of Kvatch.

Oblivion2009-07-0100-04-36-76.jpg


It certainly has seen better days! Let's enter the remains of the chapel.

Oblivion2009-07-0100-05-56-26.jpg


Hooray! Martin is alive! Let's find the bastard and get him out of here!

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There he is!

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What a whiny, emo bastard! Apparently, he is not budging until the Oblivion Gate is closed. Whatever, let's get this over with.

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snails.jpg
I really don't want ta do dis!

Well, tough shit! It has to be done.

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YEEEEEE!!!!

The Oblivion planes always have some gimick. In this case, there is a straight shot between the portal and the sigil tower, but a gate is blocking the way, so Snails has to travel all along the edges to reach the tower.

Oblivion2009-09-0911-38-01-78.jpg


Welcome to Hell!

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This is a Scamp, a low-level Daedra that will make Snails' stay in Oblivion all the more annoying.

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Snails finds one of the lost soldiers. Apparently, one other was taken as a prisoner, and the rest were killed. Since I am lazy, I decide to ask Mr. Volnius to tag along.

Oblivion2009-07-0100-36-37-96.jpg


Here are the bodies of the other Kvatch soldiers.

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This is the tower we must ascend! It almost looks spooky!

Like the plane itself, each tower also has some gimick. In this case, a door to the upper levels is locked, and the key is in a mini-tower that must be accessed from the main tower.

Oblivion2009-07-0100-43-18-29.jpg


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The hallways in Oblivion towers are always named something like this.

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Here is a view of Oblivion from a walkway to the other mini-towers.

Oblivion2009-07-0100-59-07-73.jpg


This is the guy Snails has to kill to get a key to climb the rest of the main tower.

Oblivion2009-07-0100-59-29-21.jpg


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In this mini-tower, we also find the captured soldier. Unfortunately, we cannot free him; even though it looks like he could just wiggle out of the cage himself with a little effort. Good job, Bethesda!

Anyway, he tells us that we must take the Sigil Stone from atop the main tower to close the Oblivion Gate.

Oblivion2009-07-0101-04-01-39.jpg


Here is a view of one of the upper levels of the Sigil Keep.

Oblivion2009-07-0101-04-19-64.jpg


snails.jpg
That is gross!

This is a mutilated demon-like body that is used to store items.

snails.jpg
Nuh-uh! I am not reaching my hand in that!

Tcchh! Fine! Be that way!

Oblivion2009-07-0101-05-06-46.jpg


Obviously, this is the door to the place where they keep the Sigil.

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This is what a Sigil Stone looks like.

Oblivion2009-07-0101-11-37-35.jpg


When I grab it, flames erupt and ....

Oblivion2009-07-0101-12-44-90.jpg


All in a days work!

snails.jpg
For you! I had to actually go through hell, cracka!

Shut your whining Snails!

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YEEEEEEE!!!!

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Oblivion2009-07-0101-12-55-93.jpg


He is lying! He will wait for half the game if need be.

Alright, I am tired. I will provide another update soon!
 

someone else

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Feb 2, 2008
Messages
6,888
Location
In the window
Steve gets a Kidney but I don't even get a tag.
Keep them coming. What resolution is your desktop btw? I'm running 1280x1024 and find the pictures a little too big for my browser. Of course there is the zoom option but...
 

Devadatta

Novice
Joined
Jul 1, 2009
Messages
90
Mighty Mouse said:
Keep them coming. What resolution is your desktop btw? I'm running 1280x1024 and find the pictures a little too big for my browser. Of course there is the zoom option but...
They're fine for me at the same res :?
 

Brother None

inXile Entertainment
Developer
Joined
Jul 11, 2004
Messages
5,673
Noic, two updates in quick succession!

Somehow, one of the most annoying characters from one of the laziest rip-off films ever works really well in Oblivion.

Mighty Mouse said:
Keep them coming. What resolution is your desktop btw? I'm running 1280x1024 and find the pictures a little too big for my browser. Of course there is the zoom option but...

Screens are at 1024px × 768px. That's a lil' big, yeah, I think it'd be more readable and loadable at 800x600
 

someone else

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Feb 2, 2008
Messages
6,888
Location
In the window
Steve gets a Kidney but I don't even get a tag.
Devadatta said:
They're fine for me at the same res :?
I prefer if the pic and the words that go along with it are on the same screen with less scrolling and adjusting. Will save some bandwidth and loading time if the pics are slightly smaller.
 

Radisshu

Prophet
Joined
Jul 16, 2007
Messages
5,623
So who do you find to be the most sexually arousing character in Oblivion? And why?
 

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