Chapter 2: I Blow Dis Joint!
Chapter 2: I Blow Dis Joint!
Well, Snails is now in the presence of Uriel Septim, descendant of Tiber Septim and Emperor of all Tamriel. How should he address such an important man?
I like the second option!
Assasins attacked my sons, and I'm next.
My Blades are leading me out of the city along a secret escape route.
By chance, the entrance to that escape route leads through your cell.
Now we come to some dialogue options! Let's see, the first one seems incredibly retarded, so let's pick the second one.
Perhaps the Gods have placed you here so that we may meet.
Thank you, lord! In praise of your holy name, your humble servant Snails will try not to steal anything for the next three hours!
As for what you have done ... it does not mater.
Whew!
That is not what you will be remembered for.
Aw hell! Well, I guess I better pick it to get this thing over with! I wonder who he could be ....
I am your emperor, dumbass!
You are a citizen of Tamriel, and you, too, shall serve her in your own way.
You will find your own path. Take care ... there will be blood and death before the end.
Whoopie ..... </sarcasm>
Well, I wonder where they could be going?
Well! A hidden door in my cell! Isn't that convenient!
You damn right it is!
The party walks a ways before they are beset by attackers.
Apparently, the white bitch dies in the fight. Shame! Even bigger shame is that she won't even part with her armor in death!
At least she has a nice sword!
No shit! How did the Mythic Dawn know about this place? The only people supposed to know about this place were the Emperor, the Blades, and a whole lot of goblins!
Since you couldn't even keep the Emperor and his sons alive, I wouldn't be boasting, buddy!
It's 'cuz I'm black, ain't it!
Well, where do we go now!
YYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RAAAATTTTSSSS!!!
Our hero furiously swats at the rats until they stop twitching. Then he proceeds into the hole in the wall that has just opened.
What the hell is a chest doing here? Oh well! Free loot!
Not bad!
Now, let's test out the magic system.
Say hi to the rat!
Say bye to the rat!
Now let's check out the lockpick minigame!
When a chest is locked, you have the option of trying to automatically open it using your lockpicking skills like every good rpg, or you can play this little minigame.
The objective is to use the lockpick to push the pins up to the top and only attempt to lock the pin into place when it is right at the top. When all five pins have been locked into position, the chest will unlock.
Now, let's carry on! Snails gets a key from a dead goblin and opens the door.
Man that food must be mouldy as shit! I ain't touchin' that stuff!
Apparently, this is Bethesda's version of the pixel hunt! Here is a sack in the dark that you would likely miss if you weren't looking hard for it. I wonder what treasures are inside.
That's all! Man Hines is a miserly jerk!
I don't like de looks of dem skulls!
Sorry, Snails! It's the only way to get out of here!
Here is Snails trying to sneak past a goblin. As long as the cursor is not bright, Snails should be able to go undetected.
However, that is boring, so let's do some combat!
Here is a pair of dead goblins that Snails slew! Who thought Wayons could do that!
BTW, what the hell are goblin's doing in the super-secret Imperial escape tunnels? The Blades aren't doing their jobs properly!
Well, after that detour through a goblin cave, we have finally caught up with the Emperor and his entourage.
Apparently, they are not happy to see Snails!
He can help us. He must help us.
Whew! Saved by the Uriel!
They cannot understand why I trust you. They've not seen what I've seen.
How can I explain?
You can start by explaining just what the hell is going on?
Listen. You know the Nine? How They guide our fates with an invisible hand?
Yes, it is called the free market.
Shut up Adam Smith! We're not talking about that Invisible Hand.
Well, excuuuusse me, Princess!
What the hell is Batman doing here?
You are thinking about Adam
West.
Did someone mention my name? Is the safety of Gotham imperiled by some nefarious ne'er-do-well?
Go back to
Family Guy, West! You've been washed-up since the '60s!
You're no fun! Plus, helping these people would give me a chance to fight crime once again!
These people are way out of your league, West!
I've been in tight spots before! Remember when I
got rid of that bomb?
You mean the one with the two-minute long fuse?
I still got rid of it. Plus, I got Robin to say 'Holy Heart-failure!' That was pretty cool!
Alright. I guess I could let you stick around for a while.
Are we quite done?
Sure Picard! Sure!
We now reach a milestone! Here marks the first time Bethesda has taken a page of Bioware's playbook and included three ways to say the exact same thing! Like most Bioware options, whatever you say, Picard will say .... the same thing.
I don't know. I don't think about it.
I've served the Nine all my days, and I chart my course by the cycles of the heavens.
The skies are marked with numberless sparks, each a fire, and every one a sign.
I know these stars well, and I wonder ... which sign marked your birth?
Alright, here is where we choose a birthsign. Basically, a birthsign will give your characters certain advantages and possibly, depending on the size of the advantage, some potential disadvantages. It just offers a further level of customization. The only one that really makes the game more interesting is the Atronach sign, but since I did not pick it, we won't go into that discussion.
I picked the Thief Sign, which gives Snails ten point bonuses to his Speed, Agility and Luck attributes. He is going to need all of them!
The signs I read show the end of my path. My death, a necessary end, will come when it will come.
What about me?
My dreams grant me no opinions of success. Their compass ventures not beyond the doors of death.
But in your face, I behold the sun's companion. The dawn of Akatosh's bright glory may banish the coming darkness.
With such hope, and with the promise of your aid, my heart must be satisfied.
Aren't you afraid to die? 'Cuz I know I'd be.
No trophies of my triumphs precede me. But I have lived well, and my ghost shall rest easy.
Men are but flesh and blood. They know their doom, but not the hour.
In this I am blessed to see the hour of my death...
... To face my apportioned fate, then fall.
Yo, where we goin' to?
I go to my grave. A tongue shriller than all the music calls me.
You shall follow me yet for a while, then we must part.
So I have finally earned this guy's acceptance! Whoopie ... </sarcasm>
Shut up, Snails! At least he isn't trying to kill you anymore!
We head down a stairwell now! The other black dude goes ahead to check it out.
Are we gonna make it?
Man! I knew it was to good to be true!
Good thinking!
Or not!
First you're tryin' ta kill me; now you're givin' me orders? What's witchoo!
This is no time for ebonics!
What's the matter? You tired?
I am 87 years old! What the fuck do you think?
Jeez, you old-ass crackas are touchy! Everyone in de last few hours has had a stick jammed so far up they ass dat it lifts dem right off da flo'!
I don't have time for this!
Take the Amulet. Give it to Jauffre. He alone knows where to find my last son.
Find him, and close shut the jaws of Oblivion.
You got kids on the side too! Why ya think I took up thievin'? I may be a thief, but the child support agents are the real crooks!
That does it! Nothing is worth this shit! I am leaving! Todd Howard, where is my check?!
Right here!
Bethesda plays rough!
Anyway, let's thrash this artard!
Looks like it!
The black guy rambles on for a while and repeats everything the Emperor just said. Boring! Let's get to the Class Creation screen.
This is Snail's class. He is not a thief! He's a gotta-get person!
Baurus then tells me to head to Weynon Priory, which is near Chorrol, but first we have to go through the sewers.
I hate sewers! They're full of rats and ... YEEEEE!!!
Oh come on, you big baby! You've faced far worse just a few minutes ago!
Would a torch make you feel better?
Yessuh.
Good!
After a mostly uneventful journey, we reach the exit to the sewers / intro dungeon.
What's this? Apparently we can alter Snails to improve his manners. How interesting ....
You ain't touchin' shit, white boy!
Sigh. Fine. We'll leave him as he is!
Anyway, tune in next time for more exciting adventures of
Snails in Oblivion!!!