Let's Play Oblivion: The Adventures of Snails!!!!1! (Finito)

[Elzair]

Done!

 

[Elzair]

Chapter 5: Man, Dis Shit Is Startin' Ta Piss Me Off!

Chapter 5: Man, Dis Shit Is Startin' Ta Piss Me Off!

Why you gettin' so timely-like on dese updates?

I don't know. I guess I'm bored.

Perhaps, your boredom is a manifestation of your sexual frustration? Tell me have you been wetting the bed lately?

Stop trying to psychoanalyze me, Freud!

Anyway, even though I have already beaten the damn game, Oblivion is still annoying me.

Definitely sexual tension... *writes down notes*

AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Let's just press ahead at full speed.

Do you have the Amulet?

Errrrrrr............

Well, do you or don't you?

Well ........... not really.

You hocked it for crack money, didn't you?

No! Cameron flew de coop befo' I could beat his ass!

Do you have any good news?

Well, I got this Mysterium Xarxes shit.

Well, take it to Martin.

I see you have bad news?

I didn't get de Amulet, aight! Cameron flew de coop! I already told this shit several times! All I got is this Mysterium Xerxes or some shit!

Calm down! Maybe I can use the Mysterium Xarxes to open a portal to Mankar Cameron's paradise. However, it will conveniently take some time. Why don't you go do some random filler quests for Jauffre for a while.

YEEEEEE!!

We find Jauffre in the courtyard.

Let's get started ....

... but first, let's help ourselves to some loot!

Now let's travel to the shrine!

Here is the corpse of one of the two spies. On it, we find a key to her house. The other one did not appear at first, and I ended up going through most of this quest until I realized I needed to kill both spies and had to do most of it over again. God damn, that sucks!

Anyway, we continue on to Bruma to search her house.

Here is a photo of the Temple of Akatosh!

Man! Dat looks like something out of a vampire movie or some shit!

No kidding!

Inside, we find a basement door partially covered by a rug.

Man, dat is just sloppy!

I know, but the Oblivion engine could not handle it any other way!

Inside, we find a bunch of Mythic Dawn propaganda and a letter.

So, they know Martin is here, and they are going to attack the city of Bruma as well!

Let's report back to Jauffre.

The visuals in this game can sometimes amaze you! Of course, it doesn't make up for the rest of the shit!

Jauffre goes to warn the Countess of Bruma of the impending attack and mentions we should speak to Martin.

The Xarxes mentions four items needed for the ritual, but so far I have only deciphered one of them: the 'blood of a Daedra Lord.'

Where will we get that!

In fact, daedric artifacts are known to be formed from the essence of a Daedric Lord, from whence they derive their great power.

Not an easy thing to come by, obviously, but we will need a daedric artifact. Bring it to me when you have acquired one.

The book "Modern Heretics" is the best introduction to daedric cults. The library here has a copy if you need it.

Aw hell! Not more reading an' shit!

So, I guess Azura's Star is the easiest to get to. Unfortunately, I am still at Level 1! Well, I will travel to Bravil anyway, since it is the closest city to the shrine!

Apparently, Oblivion Gates have started springing up in the countryside!

Whoopie! I have ascended to Level 2! Now I can do the quest!

Glowdust can be found from the bodies of Wisps. Luckily, there are some wisps nearby...

At dawn, I offer the Glowdust to the shrine of Azura.

Aw hell! Not bloodsuckers!

Well, we have to get the Star, so let's head to the Gutted Mine.

After a not very long journey ....

... we arrive at the Gutted Mine.

Now, vampires are probably a bit out of my league right now, but since I don't want to waste time getting more items, I decide to press ahead, anyway. The fights mostly involve casting whatever magic scrolls I have managed to scrounge up in my quest. After the first three encounters, I decide to say 'to hell with it' and set the difficulty to Easy since I just wanted to finish the damn game! The only real danger now is to make sure I don't get diseased. In this game, if you get a disease from vampires, then you will become one within a few days if you don't treat it. Since we just care about the main quest, we want to avoid that. To learn more about Vampirism in Oblivion, read this.

Vamps have this annoying habit of turning invisible on you.

You have to pull this rope to find the last two vampires.

Above are the bodies of two of the vampires.

Having put the vampires to rest, I head back to Azura.

Basically, Azura's Star is just a soul gem that can hold the soul of ANY defeated enemy. To learn more about soul gems in Oblivion, read this.

Now, I head back to Martin.

Dis travelling is givin' me a headache!

You and me both, Snails!

All I had to do was kill some vampires! It was no problem!

Maybe for you white boy, but I had to do de work!

It was good for you!

YEEEEEEE!!!!!

Quiet! Both of you!

Are you ready to give me the artifact? Remember, the ritual will consume its physical form. It won't be seen again on Tamriel for many years.

Mothafucka!

Do you want to get through with this game or not, Snails?

Mothafucka!!

Ah, Azura's Star ... as beautiful as all the tales tell.

You should talk to Jauffre. He needs your help. Trouble down in Bruma, I think.

Apparently, Oblivion Gates are forming, but we will leave that for next time.

Same Bat Time! Same Bat Channel!

GODAMNIT, SHUT UP WEST!!!!!

 

[ElectricOtter]

Thread delivers :D

 

[dolio]

Vampirism in Oblivion is strange. Why do you become a more powerful vampire by not drinking blood (and lose power when you do feed)?

 

[someone else]

^ Drinking blood makes you more human and less undead?

This LP is giving me bad memories of Oblivion. Please include more combat pics.

 

[dolio]

^ Drinking blood makes you more human and less undead?

That's what the wiki says. I can't really make sense of it from any angle.

If drinking blood is analogous to eating, then you'd expect that you'd need to drink blood to maintain your strength (including your superhuman strength).

If you look at it as vampirism being based on some real disease where your body doesn't produce certain substances, and you need to consume it in blood form, and certain 'undead' characteristics, like vulnerability to sunlight, are based on the lack of those substances, it almost makes sense. Except presumably you'd still be getting physically weaker, not developing superhuman abilities from your body going to shit.

Maybe they wanted to be edgy and go against the rules pretty much every other vampire mythos out there goes by (including Morrowind, I think, where you'd have to use the vampiric spell (or other healing magic) to regain health, since you couldn't by resting).

 

[Elzair]

Chapter 6: Dees Brumans Should Go Fuck Demselves!

Chapter 6: Dees Brumans Should Go Fuck Demselves!

Well, it is time for another exciting update on Snails' adventures in Oblivion.

It should be Snails and Batman!

You're not even in the game, West!

I am in the playthrough, though.

Who invited you to the playthrough, anyway?

You did, dumbass!

Don't forget about me!

Wait! You two know each other!

Of course! We met at a Hollywood party!

Ooookkaaayy!!! Let's just cut the bullshit and get started.

It seems that the Mythic Dawn are putting their plan to attack Bruma into motion.

Since you've dealt with these Gates before, I'd like you to help the Countess's guard close this gate.

Once the've seen how it's done, they should be able to handle any new gates on their own.

Tccch! Fine! Where da gate at?

Captain Burd is waiting for you outside the Bruma city gate. He'll show you the Oblivion Gate. Although I doubt it will be hard to find.

You damn right 'bout that!

Then why did you ask, dumbass?

Calm down, Snails!

I'm not gonna let some old-ass cracka' talk that way ta me!

Let's just go close the damn gate!

YEEEE!!!!

We travel to Bruma and find Captain Burd and his men near the Oblivion Gate.

We're ready when you are. Just say the word and we'll follow you into that hell-spawned Gate.

Alright. Give me a minute to talk to the men. Everyone's a bit jumpy right now.

Alright, boys. Listen up. We've got to close that Gate over there.

Nobody likes the idea of going into that thing, but it's our job, and we're going to do it.

If we don't, Bruma ends up a smoking pile of rubble like what happened at Kvatch.

And that's not going to happen here! Not while I'm Captain of the Guard!

Bor, Soren, you're with me. The rest of you, stay outside and kill anything that comes out of that Gate.

Let's show these bastards how we do things in Bruma!

Alright, so Bird (errr.... Burd) and two of his men accompany me into this Oblivion realm. I only end up losing one of the men.

This is a Scamp that apparently did not know what a cliff was. Radiant AI is certainly cutting-edge, alright!

Just like last time, I have to run around the lava island or some shit to get to the tower.

Look ma! An Oblivion Tower!!

Look what Daddy found on the body of a Daedra guard!

Here is the Sigil Stone!

Here are the flame animations!

Here is Big Bird back home safe and sound!

Alright, I think I will save Sancre Tor for another update. However, after that, I am a little fuzzy about what to post. You see, I did most of the "Aid For Bruma" quest, but I did a bunch of other stuff between it. I was thinking of breaking my chronological order to post most of the other stuff first and then post a mega insanity-inducing recount of the "Aid For Bruma" quest. What do you guys think?

 

[Brother None]

Don't worry too much about chronological order as long as the narrative is clear. Some side-stuff would be good anyway.

Also, "Rapacity"? Seriously?

 

[someone else]

Most important thing for me is that I can follow the narrative.

 

[Data4]

I say again, Hackdirt! The Lovecraft ripoff there would be perfect for a LP. If you've never been there, it's a small rundown village in the middle of the forest roughly south of Chorral. The fun starts at the inn.

 

[Elzair]

Bump!

Alright, I am writing the next update now. Can you guys bump dis shit?

 

[someone else]

One! One bump! AH AH AH AH AH!

 

[GarfunkeL]

 

[Kosmonaut]

Son muchos trenes cuantos son?
Cada uno a su función
y muy coloridos van
No se pueden comparar.

Cada uno con su rol
van por el muelle o la estación
muy contentos siempre estan tomas y los demas.

Thomas siempre tan gentil
James muy vanidoso si
Percy llega muy puntual
Gordon corre sin igual
Emily sabe trabajar
Henry silba sin cesar
Eduard todo sabe hacer
Tobby el mas cuadrado es.

Son muchos trenes cuantos son?
cada uno a su función
y muy coloridos van
no se pueden comparar.

Cada uno con su rol
van por el muelle o la estación
muy contentos siempre estan
Thomas y los demas.

Son muchos trenes cuantos son?
cada uno a su función
y muy coloridos van
no se pueden comparar.

Cada uno con su rol
van por el muelle o la estación
muy contentos siempre estan
Thomas y los demas.

 

[Elzair]

Holy shit, dude!

 

[Elzair]

Alright, it's all ready to go!

 

[Elzair]

It just needs to be on page six.

 

[Elzair]

The images are now at 38%.

 

[Brother None]

:Oblivion weeaboos:

...I don't think I'd ever say this, but...decline of Oblivion?

 

[Kosmonaut]

 

[Brother None]

We're still a ways from page 6 aren't we?

 

[Elzair]

This is post 22. Only three posts are needed.

 

[Brother None]

Oh.

 

[Elzair]

The images are now >90% uploaded. Only one post is left!

 

[Elzair]

The images are all uploaded, now1