IE - Your typical codexer.
Ug, humans! Let's rock this shit like it's UO in 1999 and we are in the orc fort near Yew!
Follow the uruk Skullgrinder on a magical journey through the lands of Mordor and into the very maw of Gondor itself! Rise from the cesspools of Mordor into a frightening flesh-feasting paragon of destruction! Ride a wave of mutilation into a sea of blood... Blood for Bloodgod! All hail the Great Eye! etc etc
Unknown to many, Sauron is simply Melkor's lieutenant. That's right, eye boy isn't even #1 in the big book of evil! But he is at the forefront of the upcoming war, and p0wns the future of Middle Earth.
Table of Brah-ntents
Part 1 : Welcome to Mordor
This post... you may continue reading
Part 2 : Sharp And Pointy Sticks
Part 3 : Introduction to Sodomy
Part 4 : The Dread Rider Appears!
Baby's First Intermission: Our own theme music and glorious FAQage
Part 5 : Tasty Humans and Mouth Tampons
Part 6 : Are you still reading this shit?
Intermission: Sauron, Isengard, and Uruk-Hai
Intermission: Troop trees and the economy of Mordor
Part 7 : The War of the Ring Begins
Part 8 : Orc Funkadelic
Part 9 : Orcs Can't Count
Intermission : Faction List
Part 10 : Orcs are Hardcore
Part 11 : Riders of Rohan, Trees n' Trolls. Oh my!
Part 12 : Badassery
This is a mod for Mount & Blade vanilla (Not Warband, not Fire & Sword, just plain old Mount & Blade). Supposedly this game CAN be completed, but I always get stuck after the first/second siege: Osgiliath. The game is divided into two sides: Good vs Evil, and each side is subdivided into factions such as Mordor, Isengard, Gondor, Rohan, including dwarves, 2 elf factions, and many many more. You earn rank points in a faction by completing quests and saving their asses in battle, in addition to the personal relation system that lets NPCs love or hate you. Gold is gone and is replaced with the 'resource point' system, representing your personal and group's allocation of resources in the war. A small amount of resources, proportionate to your rank, is awarded twice-weekly. Unique items are awarded by faction leaders after achieving certain ranks. And the most important rule of TLD is that elves are overpowered gaylords.
Playing as Saruman's right hand man is fun, and as an uruk-hai you have early access to better equipment and mountain trolls. Mountain trolls can flatten many enemies in battle with a single stroke and are juggernauts of destruction. *sheds a single tear of joy* Reminds you of the big man himself, back in the day.
But, Mordor is the way to go. You have fat stacks of friendly orcs and an easier start. Plus we can ride on over to Isengard and advance through Saruman's rank at our leisure.
Uruks are big orcs. LotR orcs are kinda puny like goblins. Uruks are first class orc citizens, but like all Mordor orcs we will start out at the bottom of the food chain: A snaga (slave) who earns a measly 15 resource points per 2 days or so.
Thankfully, we are able to pimp out our uruk and make him a juggernaught of destruction. 12 strength and 4 each in ironflesh and power strike upon character generation. Skullgrinder gonna smash!
And he's quite the looker, too!
Sauron sure is putting out a lot of black smoke though. Shit all that does for us orcs, as we stay in our caves mostly. Some of the other orcs say that Sauron can sweep out the smog towards Gondor, giving us a distinct night-battle advantage even during the day.Middle Earth. A shadow is growing in the east and dark things come forth that have long been hidden. The free peoples prepare for war, the like of which has not been seen for an age. Men, elves, dwarves, and orcs all will play their part. What part, however, remains to be seen...
We start out near the Gates of Mordor, which are closed to us. Barad Dur is in the background but you can only get there by turning clipping off, and there's nothing there... no luck climbing that big tower, either.
The Gates of Mordor are fucking beautiful. And by beautiful I mean what all orcs mean: Rusty metal and covered in gore. But what's the point of the gates when there's an easily accessible cave to march through? Military stupidity aside, we luckily pick up the night goblin quest --
There's a group of rogue goblins harassing the place, and I'm at the end of my rope as to how to deal with them. They've been ambushing and robbing drunken recruits under the cover of night, and then fading away quick as lightning when the guards finally show up. We've not been able to catch one of them. They only attack lone people, never daring to show themselves when there's a group about. I need someone who can take on these goblins alone and win. That seems to be the only way of getting rid of them. Are you up to the task?
"Why, certainly!" *facepalm* "Me mean... SMASH EM TO PEECEZ!"
Skullgrinder then proceeds to take a nap, as instructed. Night comes, and he prepares his orc spear for some serious impaling. No sodomy.
The goblins fall before you as wheat to a scythe. Soon you stand alone while most of your attackers lie unconscious, dead, or dying. Surely the locals would be very grateful that you saved them from this menace.
Skullgrinder just made the leap from slave to useful member of society the way all honest orcs should: Through wholesale slaughter of weaker beings. He is still ranked snaga (slave), but hopefully nobody will corral him if he looks busy. If he doesn't look busy someone will probably put him on cleaning duty! Orcs are very filthy creatures, but he'd rather be crushing skulls than mopping shit. For our trouble we get some resources and precious rank points, oooo!
Then we head into the leader cave to pick up a courier quest and a 'find the needle in the haystack' bounty hunting quest.
One of these things is not like the other. Now impale it on your spear! Skullgrinder rapes him like the Castro brothers going at a 10 year old asian girl. The Khan raiders stand around like chumps, but Skullgrinder is able to drop off his letter for some more resources and a bit of grog. We take in the vista of Sauron's magic volcano smoke, then it's back to Morannon for some fresh victory meat!
The sun never shines in Mordor. Let's go! *A quick jog later, we have arrived back at the leader cave, where the goblin heads have been set upon spikes to greet us* Sometimes, it's the little things that make a place home.
Torture chamber and prisoner holding area in the leader cave.
Exit from the leader cave into the wastes of Mordor (a sparse rocky desert shrubland)
The job is shitty, but the benefits are great. You get to serve the Mouth of Sauron!
"Dark Master! How may I serve you, Master?"
"Kill all the rats in the basement."
"Yub y... wait, what?"
"Forget it, just go slay my enemies or something"
"You got it, mouthy! MAIM KILL RAPE DESTROY!"
Actually Brotato Mouth gives us a military scouting quest:
We pick up two new quests. Since we have completed a few quests, we are able to recruit some worthless orc slaves and an uruk slave. These are just a step above feral orcs and goblins (The worst units in the game). They use wooden clubs studded with spikes of iron, or crude spears, and fall like flies in a cavalry charge, but they are an important meat shield for Brotato Skullgrinder. We can't afford a real shield, or even a decent weapon besides our crude spear, but orc slaves are WAY cheaper than equipment. Brotato Skullgrinder will hold the orc slaves up thusly: