The Premise:
In 1972 a group of high ranking generals from UN countries lobbied their governments to create a special crack commando force to fight an extraterrestrial threat. In reality the military formation was designed to house their rotten children, save them from the crimes they've committed and ensure their eyes will never experience a combat situation. These men-children promptly turned the base into maximum incompetence pit of depravity that put to shame even the West Berlin underground. Today, when the Xeno Menace arrived. wanted by the government to protect the planet, they barely survive as soldiers of misfortune. If you have a xeno problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe, just maybe, but very unlikely, you will be saved by the X-Team.
The Cast:
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Sranchammer
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ERYFKRAD
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Tzaero (EXECUTE HIM!)
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Ashery
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The Brazilian Slaughter
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not an artichoke
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sepulki
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Kipeci
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Imperator
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MicoSelva
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Ulminati
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tindrli
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Commissar Draco
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Nevill
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Zero Credibility
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anus_pounder
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Azira
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Aeschylus
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Comte
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Scrooge
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MotherMachinae
The Plot:
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: Oh, shit, shit, shit. I'm so screwed. I'm not qualifed for this. And by the look of these guys they know it. Fuck. Just nod and seem wise. Like my father always said, it's better to remain silent and be thougt a fool than speak and remove all doubt. Though he said that to me every time I tried talking to him.
Cpl. Sranchammer: Shitty electronic map it doesn't even who that we are in West Germany.
Cpl. Erykfrad: Tell me again, Owczarz, why can't our parents just bail us out. It's not like I am to ever fight and alien. My dad will just send to some military warehouse or something. I'll even take arctica over this.
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: They created this unit to get rid of us, and to give us steady government payed jobs. But now they can't admit what they did. At worst they would trialed for treason, we are at war. At best it will be end of their carriers.
Cpl. Tzaero: So you're saying they value their carriers more than us?
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: Was that a rhetorical question?
Cpl. Tzaero: Fuck.
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: You guys are lucky. You don't have go to meetings with all those people UN sent in. Generals, Scientists, Engineers. It's a horror.
Cpl. Ashery: Oh yes, because looking stupid around some dudes from the UN is so much worse than getting shot up by aliens. I hope those bastards stick an anal probe so far your butt you will have trouble hearing.
Cpl. Brazilian Slaughter: It's still better than serving in Nam. My older brother was there he fell in that nasty Viet Cong trap. You know the one. The whole with shit covered bamboo spikes. He got impaled. The shit got into his blood and he died. Gangrene or some shit. Owczarz, you don't think Aliens will have bamboo shit traps, do you? If they are going to build some I'm not going. You can throw me in prison, but I'm not going. I'm not gonna have bamboo shit in my veins.
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: Slaughter I'll make you deal. If you find an alien carrying a shit covered bamboo I will personally sign your transfer.
Cpl. Brazilian Slaughter: Deal!
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: Over 3k UFOs? Fuck. I think I need a butt plug.
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: 3k Ufos? Well it's time to research a new plane! New jets will surely able to turn the tide.
Cpl. Not an artichoke: You're doing this just to cover your ass? You don't really believe it can change anything. But you want write in the report you did something, right?
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: Fuck you, Artichoke.
Cpl. Not an artichoke: I am not an artichoke!
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: Do your thing soul patch man...doctor...Doctor Soul Patch!
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: Ufo sightings?! Sergent Scramble the team, immedietely!
Sgt. Sepulki: What? Why? What do you expect me to do?
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: I don't know, the fighter pilots have bigger beer goggles than their actual goggles. They decided to drunk themselves half to death when they heard, they will going to fight alien ships. Just... I don't know fly around the country I guess.
Sgt. Sepulki: ....
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: We have to show we're doing something!
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: What a shitty Russian Plane? I wanted an american air power. Not this Red piece of shit.
Commissar Draco: Russian science best science. T-34, AK-47, Makarov PMM.
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: Fuck off, you Ruskie, you're not even on the strike team yet. Wait your turn.
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: Hunter Cars are up next. Hmmm, Hunter Cars it sounds like a car in use by Russian Secret Police or a Pedophilie Ring.
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: And UFO Turkey? Stay out of my Europinized Muslims you fucker. Time to send the planes. Fortunetely this time the pilots. Are Sober. Well, sobberish. Good enough.
Sgt. Sepulki: I hope you know what you're doing.
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: Do I look like a guy that knows what is he doing?
Sgt. Sepulki: I hope you choke on something.
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: They vanished? We scared them off? Human Bravery wins again. No one plays chicken so good as the Earth guys. Go home Aliens, our dicks are bigger then yours!
Sgt. Sepulki: Oh yeah, I'm sure they're shitting themselves right now.
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: Fuck, you this will look good in my report! Brave Commander drives back the alien invader with his jets. Maybe I'll get a medal.
Sgt. Sepulki: What about the pilots?
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: What about them?
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: What another close to Nigeria? Leave my Negros alone, leave them alone. They're Human! (Barely). Scare Tactics Engage!
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: Shit they didn't run away this time. Well attack I guess.
Sgt Sepulki: "Sir" the pilots need clear instructions.
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: Fire at will, weapon is free, shoot to kill, engage the bogie, take down the hostile, or whatever you say in a situation like this. Order clear enough for you? I really hope you will get shot by aliens in the face.
Commissar Draco: Oy Comrade. That ship reminds of a ship from capitalist american television. Cylon fighter.
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: What? It's not a Cylon fighter.
Commissar Draco: It sure looks like one.
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: It's not a fucking Cylon. Besides I told you already to wait your turn. Damned Ruskie.
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: Wow, this operation screen is awesome! It must be Atari technology. It's almost as sopohisticated as pong maybe even arkanoid.
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: The Ufo is down. Scarmble the team. Time for a Xenocide!
Cpl. Sranchammer: What we are going to fight in the Middle of Desert? What the fuck is this? Lawrence of Arabia?
Cpl. Erykfrad: I will do everything you want, I will fornicate with a penguin if you wish it , just don't make me go. I have bad feeling about this. Seriously I really like cold, send me to Arctica.
Cpl. Tzaero: Don't be scared brother, you can always you use Sepulki as a meat shield. Cmdr wants him dead anyway.
Cpl. Ashery: If I come back from this Owczarz. I will personally shove an anal probe up your ass, if I find one on that ship.
Cpl. Brazilian Slaughter: Remember our deal! I'm gonna find that bamboo shit stick weilding fucker!
Cmdr. Tyrus Owczarz: Artichoke, you ready?
Cpl. Not an artichoke: I am not an artichoke!
Cpl. Sranchammer: Wow, I'm in the first row... who wants to go first? You can go down in history as the first soldier who made contact with an extraterrastial enemy. I will gladly move aside and you that honor. I'm not a greedy man.
Cpl. Erykfrad: No, no. I can't take that from you. But we must let from Sepulki first. Our Sgt is a woman after all. As they say. Beauty before brawn.
Sgt. Sepulki: He put me in the first row on purpose. I know it.
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: Stop whining and get out there!
Cpl. Ashery: Says the guy. who doesn't have to be here. Wait till I get back, Owczarz!
Cpl Brazilian Slaughter: Make way, I need to find my bamboo shit stick and get my life back!
Cpl. Not an artichoke: Hey guys, I have an idea. Let's split up we can cover more ground this way.
Cpl. Sranchammer : Fuck you Artichoke!
Cpl. Erykfrad: Fuck you Artichoke!
Cpl. Tzaero: Fuck you Artichoke!
Cpl. Ashery: Fuck you Artichoke!
Cpl. Brazilian Slaughter: Fuck you Artichoke!
Sgt Sepulki: Fuck you Artichoke!
Cpl. Not an artichoke: I'm an not an artichoke!
Commissar Draco: That's a great idea!
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: Stay of the line, Ruskie!
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: Cpl. Kipeci, you are awfully quiet through all this. You okay?
Cpl. Kipeci: Just nervous, sir. It's ok. All is good.
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: Glad to hear it, carry on.
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: A shot ouf of nowhere, scatter! Kipeci noooo!! We barely knew thee! (Seriously though, I didn't ever hear her mumble a word before just right now.
Cpl. Sranchammer: A Cylon in front of us! Gonna supress the fucker!
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: You too, Brutus?
Cpl. Erykfrad: Good going Sranchammer. I will rush him and feed him lead, point blank!
Cpl. Erykfrad: Huff, huff, huff, huff.
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: What's the matter?
Cpl. Erykfrad: Huff, you see the last time I run was about 7 years ago. I'm so beat. Can't even lift my shotgun.
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: Ah, for fuck's sake!
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: Ok Sgt. Sepulki. Now is your chance. Prove your value.
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz. You missed? How the fuck could you miss, from this distance. with a scope!? Don't tell me you last fired that thing 7 years ago.
Sgt. Sepulki: Well...
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: Arghhht!!!
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: What the fuck Cpl. Tzaero. You not only managed to miiss, but also shoot your own man? That's it. I'm demoting you. From now on, you are Private Tzaero.
Private Tzaero: Not my fault. This rifle almoast has lifr of it's own. It wiggles around, when I shoot.
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: That is called recoil!
Private Tzaero: Ah, the more you know.
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: What another one? Slaughter look out!
Cpl. Brazilian Slaughter: Puny alien rifle is no match, for pure Brazilian male. When I was a kid I took super fast football balls to the face, every day! Football is a survival school in Brazil either you master it, you become a coprse. In Brazil they make goal poasts out of corpses! Do you worst alien scum. and tell me where you hid the bamboo shit stick!
Cpl. Erykfrad: One alien down! Ah yiss! Welcome to Earth Mother Fucker. Enjoy your stay while we rape your father!
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: Calm down, it's not over we still.... did you just yelled something about raping his father? Do you want to tell me something?
Cpl. Sranchammer: Sran is the Man.
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: Good work, rest of you, learn from him.
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: I took into consideration your shitty stamina. From now on we will only advance in small frog leaps.
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: Another shot out of nowhere! Scatter! Ashery Noooo! Why did it have to be you, why couldn't it be Sepulki. You will never show me that anal probe you promiced!
Cpl. Sranchammer: Found him! Converge on me!
Cpl. Erykfrad: Flanking!
Sgt. Sepulki: I got this!
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: You sure? Last time it turned into friendly fire frenzy.
Sgt. Sepulki: I'm sure!
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: Well at least you didn't shoot your own. That is some sort of progress for you guys. How are you even a sniper?
Sgt. Sepulki: I never said, I'm a sniper, I just really like the shape of a gun with a scope.
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: Goddamnit!.
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: Slaughter nooooo!!!! You will never find your stick now! I vow on my duty as a commander I will personally get a bamboo stick, shit on it, and place in the cold dead hands of an alien. You have my word! And I'm sure all other soldiers will help me!
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: Private Tzero noooo!!! I vow that I will personally teach your kids about recoil! If you had any.
Cmdr. Tytus Owczarz: What? Kipeci survived?! And I was going to leave her to rot. Get her to the choppa and let's go back home, boys!
