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Completed Porky's Ring: a Squire's Road to Greatness [SL1]

NJClaw

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Last night I had a dream. A dream about chivalry and might. A dream about greatness.

I no longer was a dirty stable boy, serving villainous lords and knights unworthy of their titles.

I was powerful. I fought for the oppressed, destroyed their shackles, and undid the wrongs they had to endure. I was a warrior. I was a hero.

I was a paladin.

...

And now I have decided. I will not wake up. I will be powerful. I will fight for the oppressed. I will be a warrior. I will be a hero. I will be a paladin.

I will crush my foes, every last one of them. I will achieve true greatness, mastering every weapon and technique. And I will do so relying only on my own strengths. No shortcuts, no vile tricks, only skill and perseverance. I will rid these lands of the scum that inhabits them, so that the world may usher in a new age. An age free of cheaters and lesser men. An age of greatness and glory. The Age of the Porkster.

Contents

Limgrave & Weeping Peninsula

01 - Character creation and first steps
02 - Our first enemy (Tree Sentinel - Club)
03 - A jagged alliance
04 - Of monsters and men (Ancient Hero of Zamor - Iron Cleaver)
05 - A sword to fell a beast (Leonine Misbegotten - Claymore)
06 - The flying menace of Banville (Flying Dragon Agheel - Banished Knight's Halberd)
07 - It's complicated (Crucible Knight - Dagger)
08 - Of lordship and swords (Margit, the Fell Omen - Longsword)
09 - A party to die for (Bell Bearing Hunter - Rapier)
10 - The Manyforms' last form (Godrick the Grafted - Shamshir and Scimitar)
11 - Filler episode I (Stonedigger Troll - Warpick, Guardian Golem - Mace, Black Knife Assassin - Shortbow, Bloodhound Knight Darriwil - Battle Axe)

Liurnia of the Lakes & Caelid
12 - Pet therapy (Red Wolf of Radagon - Bloodhound's Fang)
13 - Pick your poison (Rennala, Queen of the Full Moon - Pickaxe)
14 - Eggs (Royal Knight Loretta - Lordsworn's Straight Sword)
15 - The Lands of the Shouting Receptacle
16 - The Eastern Kings and the needle (Commander O'Neil - Partizan)
17 - Of femininity and strength (Starscourge Radahn - Uchigatana)
18 - The Duke strikes once more (Misbegotten Warrior & Crucible Knight - Lordsworn's Greatsword)
19 - Filler episode II (Putrid Avatar - Golden Halberd, Magma Wyrm - Highland Axe, Crystalian - Beast Crest Heater Shield, Onyx Lord - Short Spear, Adan Thief of Fire - Bastard Sword)

Altus Plateau & Mt. Gelmir
20 - Innocent Hunting: the Master of Elegant Hats (Elemer of the Briar - Great Epee)
21 - Innocent Hunting: the Manynamed (Godskin Apostle - Nagakiba)
22 - An even jaggeder alliance (Draconic Tree Sentinel - Large Club)
23 - Innocent Hunting: assgate (Godskin Noble - Reduvia)
24 - Innocent Hunting: the Dick-Helicopterer (Crucible Knight Ordovis & Crucible Knight - Broadsword)
25 - Innocent Hunting: the Feet Collector (Godfrey, First Elden Lord - Ornamental Straight Sword)
26 - The demise of the reviled Zed Doink (Morgott, the Omen King - Stormhawk Axe)
27 - The fair maiden and the godslayer (Rykard, Lord of Blasphemy - Serpent-Hunter)
28 - Filler episode III (Dragonkin Soldier - Scythe, Onyx Lord - Golem Greatbow, Demi-Human Queen Gilika - Dismounter, Black Knife Assassin - Zweihander)
29 - Filler episode IV (Grafted Scion - Shotel, Edgar Priest of Blood - Nox Flowing Hammer, Sanguine Noble - Greatsword, Mimic Tear - Caestus)

Mountaintops of the Giants, Crumbling Farum Azula & Ashen Capital
30 - Damsel in distress (Commander Niall - Commander's Standard)
31 - The orange alien one-eyed god (Fire Giant - Moonveil and Meteoric Ore Blade)
32 - Princess bitch (Godskin Duo - Godskin Peeler)
33 - Redding is teh hard (Maliketh, the Black Blade - Rivers of Blood)
34 - The poet's mediocre prophecy (Mohg, the Omen - Arbalest)
35 - Turns out power attacks DO exist (Sir Gideon Ofnir, the All-Knowing - Fingerprint Stone Shield)
36 - The Feet-Collector gets vaxxed (Hoarah Loux, Warrior - Antspur Rapier and Rogier's Rapier)
37 - Penetrating the impenetrable (Radagon of the Golden Order & Elden Beast - Monk's Flamemace)
38 - Filler episode V (Magma Wyrm Makar - Hand Ballista, Crucible Knight Siluria - Godskin Stitcher, Valiant Gargoyle duo - Scepter of the All-Knowing)

Haligtree & underworld
39 - The shameless coterie (Fia's champions - Spiked Palisade Shield)
40 - The Whitest Knight (Loretta, Knight of the Haligtree - Guardian's Swordspear)
41 - Of hands, empires, and love (Lichdragon Fortissax - Cleanrot Knight's Sword and Frozen Needle)
42 - The evil wizard's final act (Mohg, Lord of Blood - Twinned Knight Swords and Gargoyle's Twinblade)
43 - The warmth of a woman (Dragonkin Soldier - Longbow)
44 - The wrong chromosome (Astel, Naturalborn of the Void - Gargoyle's Greatsword)
45 - My one true goddess (Malenia, Blade of Miquella - Miséricorde)
 
Last edited:

NJClaw

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1 - Character creation and first steps

What will I be? No, what am I saying... what AM I?

01.png


A noble, obviously. Of the highest order.

And what is this? A gift? Nobody ever gave me anything in this empty life, and I certainly never needed anything to succeed. A medallion? I'm not a wimpy woman. A Seed? What am I, a duck? I'm tempted to reject this gift, but...

02.png


I might use some pots. I can't hide I am a man of great appetites, and I wouldn't want an empty tummy just before a deadly fight.

Now onto my appearances.

03.png


Stare into my eyes, evil, because this is the last thing you'll see before your demise!

And now say my name, evil creatures of the night. Say my name, and I might grant you a swift and clean death. There's no escape for you evil-doers and roll-spammers. Your destiny is already written, and I'm the one who wrote it in blood.

04.png


I will fight and slay you all, until one day honest people everywhere will say: "remember that young, slightly overweight page? He's a paladin now, and I hear he's the best of them all".

But to rid the world of all evils, one has to start his adventure somewhere. And mine starts in an abandoned graveyard. Everything looks grim and dark, but there's no time to get all poetic: the first terrifying monster is already here, trying to stop our righteous crusade:

05.png


There's only one thing we can do. Only one course of actions our holy and mighty spirit will condone:
 
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Andnjord

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There's only one thing we can do. Only one course of actions our holy and mighty spirit will condone:

T'was nobly fought. :salute:
 

NJClaw

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2 - Our first enemy

Turns out I'm immortal and didn't die after my heroic exploit at the graveyard. I always knew I was special.

But I woke up in the most dreaded place:

01-01.png


The hall, just in front of the elevator that every day lifts my corpulent body to the soul-crushing 9-5 job that is slowly killing me. I dreamt, but I knew it had to end. Back to my old hated life. I will never become a real paladin.

I ride the elevator while my lifelong latent depression starts to kick in. The usual *ding dong* and the muffled sound of the sliding door already evoke the image of a room too small for my dreams, with a chair too small for my bum and a screen too small for my aging sight. But when the door finally opens:

01-02.png


I knew it wasn't just a dream! The elevator was a mere illusion, probably the trick of a cunning wizard. But you can't trick the Porkster, you fools! Now the whole world stands before me. Onwards, to glory!

A sketchy man on the side of the road gasps for my attention, as everyone always does when I'm around:

01-03.png


How fucking dare you? I am celibate by choice, don't you ever dare call me an incel again. My anger is mounting... you won't live to regret this moment. Die, you fool!

01-04.png


A bucket of roses? For me? I love flowers as much as the next guy, but I'm not so easily impressed. Do you even know how many lovers I've already spurned? You aren't the first, and you will most certainly not be the last.

01-05.png


Maidenless runt? I already told you I'm celibate by choice!

What a sad display, I'm sorry you had to see that. Now, where were we? That unpleasant little man wanted us to go north, but he probably is a servant of that same wizard who tried to trick us. This can only mean one thing: the path we need to follow lies to the south! But first, let's ask for directions. This golden knight in his shiny armor sure looks like a valiant and respectable fellow, maybe he will help us:

01-06.png


Hey! Good sir! Can you help me?

...

Wait.

...

What are you doing?

...

Oh no, he wasn't a valiant knight. He was just a rascal in shiny clothes. Now taste my mighty club, you imposter!
 
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NJClaw

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3 - A jagged alliance

Let's check that ruined church up the hill, maybe the imposter knight we just clubbed to death was holding someone hostage there.

02-01.png


A Santa Claus cosplayer. And he doesn't waste time: he hasn't even rewarded me for this heroic rescue and he is already asking me for money. I'm sorry, but in the world I'm building there's no room for ungrateful, little greedy pieces of shit like you.

02-02.png


Next time you'll think twice before trying to scam a proud warrior out of his hard-earned money.

It's now time to follow our path to the south, who knows what adventures await us!

...

After a long day of travel, even a tireless champion like me needs some rest. It's time to set up camp.

...

Oh no... it's happening again. A cute girl spotted me and now she wants a piece of this porkeous ass. Cursed is the life of the an irresistible man like me.

02-04.png


I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in fingering any maiden. Thank you anyway for the thought.

02-05.png


Sorry for the misunderstanding, young lady, but I'm already taken. Now, I was trying to get some rest. I would appreciate it if you could just leave me alone.

02-06.png


Listen babe, I'm trying to be nice here. Take the hint. And who do you think you are fooling? A maiden, you? With those boots, a face tattoo, and pink hair? Come on.

02-07.png


Listen, it's not you, it's me. In another circumstance I would even bang you once or twice, but I have something to do. I'm on an adventure and I'm under a lot of pressure. And, you know, I don't react well to pressure. I wouldn't be able to get into the mood. Not that I can't do it, I'm a textbook example of virility and masculinity. But, you know, the years start to add up, and this belly certainly doesn't help...

What am I doing? I don't need to give you an explanation! Now fuck off!

02-08.png


What did you say? I can blow this whistle to turn you into a horse? Then I guess you can tag along for the time being, if you promise to be quiet and stop talking about your goddamn blog.
 
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NJClaw

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4 - Of monsters and men

Accepting L's help turned out to be the right move. Her obsession with this "blog" she keeps talking about needs to be treated as soon as possible, but having a steed makes us closer to becoming a real knight.

02-03.png


But... what is this?

03-02.png


"Level up"? Are you insane, L? How could you even suggest resorting to such a lowly gesture? Leveling up is for cheaters and skill-less crooks. I will never stoop to their level! Never! Never suggest something like that again, don't make me take out my club.

Now let's get back to our journey, before the sun sets. We don't want the hordes of thirsty women who patrol these lands to notice us and bother me with their unrequested love.

Oh no! One of them saw us!

03-03.png


Apparently her husband is stuck in some kind of war or something. There's only one possibility: she wants to break her sacred bond, using us to shame and disgrace her poor husband. There's only one way to deal with beasts like you:

03-04.png


Why do things have to go like this every single time? Why can't they accept I'm out of their league? Hold up... what are these sounds? Horrible, disgusting creatures are approaching me. What even are they? Wait, I understand... I thought these monsters only existed in legends and bedtime stories, but they're here. THE SIMPS! The nauseous, abhorrent simps. I've attacked their lady, and now they want to fight to the death to defend her honor. Can't you see, fools? She's already dead, she will never have sex with you!

03-05.png


I'm sorry it had to end like this, but you were all well beyond saving. Nothing remains of your old human self. I will avenge your dignity, defeating the Simp King that rules these lands and finally bringing peace to your poor damned souls.

And since I've already mastered the club by humiliating in single combat that golden knight, I will take your blade and shield and expand my repertoire of fighting techniques. This is the way of the a true knight, after all. Tremble, Simp King! I'm coming for you!

03-06.png


What do you want, woman? Leave me alone, can't you see I'm burying these poor men? You want to do WHAT? Never include me again in your sick, perverted fantasies. Turn back into a horse now, I need some rest.

...

03-07.png


What is this sorcery? I'm awake in my dream? No, this is no dream... this is a nightmare, a nightmare prison! Probably another trick of the cunning wizard who tried to stop me before. I need my weapons, one of the wizard's lackeys is coming for me... Show your face, evil creature, I was born to slay your kind!
 
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Andnjord

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What is this sorcery? I'm awake in my dream? No, this is no dream... this is a nightmare, a nightmare prison! Probably another trick of the cunning wizard who tried to stop me before. I need my weapons, one of the wizard's lackeys is coming for me... Show your face, evil creature, I was born to slay your kind!
Pfff, drinking so many healing flasks and you call that skill? Maidenless behaviour I say!
 

NJClaw

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What is this sorcery? I'm awake in my dream? No, this is no dream... this is a nightmare, a nightmare prison! Probably another trick of the cunning wizard who tried to stop me before. I need my weapons, one of the wizard's lackeys is coming for me... Show your face, evil creature, I was born to slay your kind!
Pfff, drinking so many healing flasks and you call that skill? Maidenless behaviour I say!
It's not my fault this game is so easy you can facetank minibosses naked at level 1 with the starting flasks.

The Iron Cleaver is surprisingly fun, though. The walking animation on the charged R2 is weird at first, but useful against many enemies (at least in the Weeping Peninsula, I haven't tried it anywhere else).
 

Andnjord

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The Iron Cleaver is surprisingly fun, though. The walking animation on the charged R2 is weird at first, but useful against many enemies (at least in the Weeping Peninsula, I haven't tried it anywhere else).
Yeah, I saw that thing and immediately thought: "this is going to roll catch so many people in PVP" :lol:
 

NJClaw

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5 - A sword to fell a beast

Once slayed, the foul creature leaves behind a magical bead, surely a trinket of its sorcerous master:

04-01.png


I usually try to avoid sex toys, but this one complements its inflicted pain with a noticeable boost to my physical prowess:

04-02.png


We need to be careful, though. With each hit we take, we risk clenching our perfect butt cheeks, and that would break this magical glass toy. And I don't want to take glass pieces out of my ass. Not again.

With this newfound strength, we're ready to scour these lands in search of the lair of the mad Simp King.

04-03.png


Finally, his castle! Who knows what horrors lie beyond its gate.

04-04.png


Hordes and hordes of beastly simps, driven mad by their unquenchable thirst. Look at this sad display, look how they grovel at some random thot's feet. Get up, you abhorrent rats! She will never look you in the eyes, she despises you! Oh, what was I thinking? It's too late for them.

04-05.png


Rest in peace, you poor, damned souls. Now only the Simp King himself remains. But he is no mere simp. His arms have been inhumanly strengthened by countless lonely nights. His spirit forged by giant weekly donations. I need a weapon worthy of a knight to face him, and I think I've found exactly what I was looking for:

04-06.png


Finally, a sword! Get ready, Simp King! Your demise draws closer and closer.
 
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NJClaw

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The Iron Cleaver is surprisingly fun, though. The walking animation on the charged R2 is weird at first, but useful against many enemies (at least in the Weeping Peninsula, I haven't tried it anywhere else).
Yeah, I saw that thing and immediately thought: "this is going to roll catch so many people in PVP" :lol:
I tried it a bit in PvP, but I haven't had much success. During most invasions, trying to chase an opponent with a charged R2 only leads to me being one-shotted by one of his friends' weapon art. In a 1v1 duel, the charged R2 would probably kill anyone who doesn't know about the weapon, but I'm not keen on souls duels.
 

Andnjord

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5 - A sword to fell a beast



04-06.png


Finally, a sword! Get ready, Simp King! Your demise draws closer and closer.

Nice kill, the Claymore has always been my favourite weapon back in Dark Souls 1, I did not one, but two playthroughs with no armour and that sword. Best Fashion-Souls styling.
 

NJClaw

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Nice kill, the Claymore has always been my favourite weapon back in Dark Souls 1, I did not one, but two playthroughs with no armour and that sword. Best Fashion-Souls styling.
"Claymore and greatshield" is always my equipment of choice for my first playthrough in these games. It's too reliable. Only in DS2 I didn't like it as much, and after all this time I still can't understand why.

The scabbard on the back is a very divisive issue fashion-wise. I usually like armors with capes, but all the clipping with the scabbard makes them look terrible. Who knows if FS will ever invent the technology to hide the scabbard or, and I know this sounds crazy, avoid the clipping *gasps*
 

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An impostor, I say! The real Porkman would never roll like a foul knave!
 

Andnjord

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The scabbard on the back is a very divisive issue fashion-wise.
Pfff, that's why you don't wear any armour. No armour, no clipping issue
rating_prestigious.png
 

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NJClaw

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6 - The flying menace of Banville

The Simp King is dead! And there are still survivors in his castle.

05-01.png


It seems this good fellow was able to avoid the curse and remain sane...

05-02.png


...but not completely. Be aware, I won't hesitate to put you to the sword. Stay safe.

...

Now that these lands are finally safe, it's time to go back to our journey. The next adventure awaits!

...

But the road doesn't always hold pleasant surprises. It seems our good friend succumbed to that same curse he avoided for so long:

05-03.png


You don't know what you're talking about, man. I simply reported her to the IRS. It had to be done. Please, don't make me do this. I know you're an honest man, you deserve better.

05-04.png


Even in death, he can only think about this Irina thot. She didn't care for you before, and she definitely won't now that you're just a bunch of crumbling bones. I'm sorry.

05-05.png


I will take your halberd, and make sure those who are responsible will pay.

...

After days and days on the road, we stumble upon a crime we cannot let go unpunished. Another shining imposter slaughtered an innocent man, and the voices that constantly tell me what to do have no doubt on the course of actions to follow:

05-06.png


The duel is quick and his death clean. Luckily, his shining armor is still intact. I have to suck in my prominent belly to fit into it, but they don't make them of my size, and that's a small price to pay to get closer and closer to becoming a real knight:

05-07.png


With our new attire also comes an emboldened courage, and we decide to explore a complex of ruins nearby:

05-08.png


Turtles... ominous creatures, symbol of a most hated fallen paladin, feared in this and all the known realms. But we stop at nothing, and claim for ourselves the treasure hidden in this dungeon.

05-09.png


A magical talisman, surely a precious treasure of the despised Duke. I'm not scared of you, Duke, you're nothing more than a joke to me. This is only the first step on the road that will lead to your demise!

With our new medallion, we get back on the road, only to discover the horrifying punishment for our actions. A terrible black dragon lands in front of us, surely a vile servant of the Duke. Fearing for his pathetic life, he sends his minions to take care of me. Halberd in hand, we're ready to face our destiny.
 
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NJClaw

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NJClaw

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7 - It's complicated

06-01.png


Classic situation: after another woman, enthralled by my voluptuous belly, tries to eat me, my new girlfriend gets jealous and tries to up the ante:

06-02.png


Oh, baby, stop pretending. I know your Elden Ring can't wait to have me.

06-03.png


Testing me for WHAT? Listen, I'm already trying to deal with my retroactive jealousy and I know learning about your past partners wouldn't do me any good. But, if there's something I should know about your sexual health situation, I think you should tell me now.

06-04.png


I didn't expect any less from a woman like you. This doesn't bother me. Plenty of women have been thoroughly satisfied by the Porkster, this doesn't make a dent in my masculinity.

06-05.png


Oh no, I see where you're going with this. You want to try couples therapy. Baby, it's a scam. Relationships are meant to have highs and lows, sometimes plates are supposed to fly, it's how things go.

06-06.png


But I see you aren't leaving me much choice... I guess we'll go then. Come here, now. The little Porkster has been feeling lonely lately, it's time to take care of it. Don't make that face, it'll be faster than Chiktikka Fastpaws...

...

Damn, the evil wizard is back at it again with his sorceries. He entrapped me while I was at my most vulnerable. Thankfully, I always keep with me a short knife to discourage my partners to satisfy me in ways with which I'm not comfortable.
 
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Andnjord

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I was pleased at first seeing you embrace the noble art of the parry and believed you abandoned the wicked, maidenless ways of dodging. Alas, t'was not so and now only a public display of sudoku can undo your shame.

Worry not, at the very least I am confident that his maindenless drinking will soon cease. A real noble knight has no need for the inebriation brought upon by alchohol!
 

NJClaw

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8 - Of lordship and swords

L has been constantly breaking my balls over this couples counseling thing lately. Eventually I will have to give up and book an appointment, but in the meanwhile I can carve out some time for myself and for some good old adventuring.

07-01.png


Retake a fort? That's exactly the right job for an aspiring hero.

...

07-02.png


With the knight commander slain, the fort is ready to get back in the hands of its rightful owner. And I'm ready to get my reward.

07-03.png


Knighthood? I knew it was my destiny, but I didn't expect to achieve it so soon. I will accept this honor, my lord, and I will uphold every knightly value and tenet till my dying breath.

07-04.png


So this was all for nothing. You're lucky I swore to protect the lives of your kind, or I wouldn't hesitate to rid you of your devious tongue. There's nobody I can trust in these lands but myself and my sword. This can only mean one thing: if I want to fulfill my destiny, I have to write it myself.

Now I know what I must do. I will travel to the Castle of the Manyforms, the seat of the tyrant who rules over these lands. I will find him, defeat him, and usurp his title. If these feeble nobles won't, my sword will make me a lord.

...

Having quickly dispatched of small disorganized groups of soldiers, the door of the Manyforms Castle finally stands in front of me. Without explaining, a mysterious figure challenges me to a duel.

07-05.png


I don't care for your motives, old man. If you decided to stand between me and my rightful destiny, you're going to die.
 
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NJClaw

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Pathfinder: Wrath I'm very into cock and ball torture
I'm Ridin' with Biden I'm Ridin' with Biden
I was pleased at first seeing you embrace the noble art of the parry and believed you abandoned the wicked, maidenless ways of dodging. Alas, t'was not so and now only a public display of sudoku can undo your shame.
Worry not, at the very least I am confident that his maindenless drinking will soon cease. A real noble knight has no need for the inebriation brought upon by alchohol!
I will clearly 360 noscope Malenia without a single sip

:shredder:
 

Andnjord

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8 - Of lordship and swords

I don't care for your motives, old man. If you decided to stand between me and my rightful destiny, you're going to die.



How confident are you for when bosses will inevitably one shot you? :smug:
 

Andnjord

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I will clearly 360 noscope Malenia without a single sip
While I'm not doing a SL1 run like you madman, with both of my current runs, a strenght one and a bleed one, I too always have her in the back of my mind making me think "this is fine now, but I'm sure Malenia will put my foolish ambitions to rest".
 
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NJClaw

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Pathfinder: Wrath I'm very into cock and ball torture
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How confident are you for when bosses will inevitably one shot you? :smug:
I don't think I know a word to express how little confidence I have for the endgame bosses. But even without having to bother the endgame, the thought of facing Radahn makes me shit myself.

While I'm not doing a SL1 run like you madman, with both of my current runs, a strenght one and a bleed one, I always have her in the back of my mind making me think "this is fine now, but I'm sure Malenia will put my foolish ambitions to rest".
I don't know how bad they nerfed the bleed stagger, but it should still be enough to put her out of her waterfowl animation. What weapons are you using?
 

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