Elzair
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Dragon Age: The Stolen Throne: A Mostly Comprehensive Review!
By Elzair
Since the second Gaider novel, Dragon Age: The Calling, is set to be released on October 13, I thought I might get around to finally finishing the first novel, Dragon Age: The Stolen Throne, for my review. I decided to review this book after reading Edward R Murrow's response to this glowing review of the book.
Well, clearly I am up for it! Since my family recently got a Kindle, I was able to purchase it for several dollars cheaper than what a dead tree version would cost. Hurray for Amazon! Honestly, I could not care less if Amazon decided to take this book away from me. They probably would have done me a favor. Well, I read it, and here are my impressions.
Characters? More Like Caricatures!
First of all, I should introduce the main cast of characters. The characters in this novel, for the most part, embody one or two (or maybe three) of the stock fantasy "character"-archetypes. The main "character" (okay, I will stop now) is of course Prince Maric, who is the classic fantasy zero to hero guy. He is the son of the deposed royal family of the kingdom of Ferelden. He starts out a whiny, incompetent little bitch who is content to take a back-seat to life and, while mostly remaining a whiny little bitch, transforms into a relatively competent and decisive ruler over the course of the novel. He also starts off way too trusting of others, and he is hardened by a loved one's betrayal. That pretty much sums up Maric. You have seen him many time before.
Now, let's move on to the sidekick! Loghain is the badass loner who starts out only interested in looking out for numeral uno and eventually learns the importance of friendship, justice, the cause, blah blah blah. He is the cold-blooded guy who gets to carry out all the "regrettable but necessary" actions in this insurgency. At first he hates Maric because he blames him for his father's death, but Loghain eventually comes to accept Maric as a friend, which corresponds to his acceptance of all that other shit. Loghain shows he is willing to do what must be done when he engineers the death of a traitor and breaks off his relationship with Rowan. Of all the main characters, he is clearly the most unique. The only character he reminds me of is Lancelot.
Rowan Guerrein (don't bother remembering her surname) is the main female and (incidentally) love-interest in this story. She is the classic tomboy warrior-princess character. She is a butt-kicking babe, but she still has a hidden feminine side. She has only cried 3-5 times in her life, etc. etc. She has been betrothed to Maric since birth, and she clearly loves him but also gradually develops feelings for Loghain as well. She is deeply disturbed by Maric's fling with Katriel. Maric's exclamation of love for Katriel prompts her to realize that she has developed a strong love for Loghain. She eventually learns what it means to be a queen when she puts aside her feelings for Loghain to be Maric's queen for the good of the kingdom. She mostly reminds me of a shallow Eowyn.
Katriel is the female version of the badass, loaner cloak-and-dagger guy who eventually learns what it means to care about other people. She is a Bard, an elite organization of spies masquerading as minstrels. She is also an Elf and therefore knows what it means to be oppressed; do not worry, this does not come up much. She ends up staying beside Maric even at the cost of her own life. In short, she is the classic bad girl who is redeemed after falling head over heels for the main hero of the story.
Like the heroes, the villains are mostly uninspiring as well. The usurper, king Meghren, is portrayed as a vain, petty, foolish and shallow man who seems more interested in building monuments to his ego than he is in ruling. He hates Ferelden because he views it as backward and because the Orlesian Emperor forced him to take the job as king. Meghren is clearly my favorite character in the novel because he is the only one who seems interesting in the slightest and because he is the only one Gaider is capable of portraying decently.
While Meghren is the best of the three and the nominal king, Gaider clearly intended to portray Severan as the main villain. Severan, the arch-mage and advisor to king Meghren, is the classic scheming-power-behind-the-throne character; think Jafar but with less malevolence and more bleh, and you have Severan in a nutshell.
Mother Bronach, the head of the Chantry and other 'advisor' to Meghren, is simply a mixture of frigidness, yuppie, and political opportunist; think Talleyrand with a vagina and an extra helping of bitch. She does not show up much, though.
Well, there are other, secondary characters, but they matter (and are characterized) even less. Now that we know all the main characters, let's talk about the plot!
Plot? What Plot?
Well, the second thing a good reviewer should do is give a detailed synopsis of the plot, and this is what I would do if the book had one! Right now, you may be thinking, "what do you mean this book has no plot? Even bad books have bad plots, right?" Well, this is the New Shit, and in this new age, plots can be traded for ORSOME (READ: dull) battles and HAWT (READ: PG-13 at best) sex scenes (not to mention 300+ pages of meaningless descriptions of random events). Well, I might as well try to analyze the events that unfold in this book. Be prepared, though, because this section will basically give away the entire "plot" of the book.
caption:Remember kids, every good fantasy novel must have a map!
The novel takes place in the land of Ferelden, a former kingdom which was conquered by the Orlesian Empire several decades ago. Nowadays, it is ruled by a pawn of the Empire. The daughter of the deposed Monarch decided to continue fighting the Orlesian invaders to regain her family's rightful place and has lead a low-scale insurgency for several decades. During this time, she had a son, Maric. The novel begins just as she and her guards have been betrayed and killed. Maric was with her when it happened, and only he escapes. Then we get several pages describing Maric's escape and how he kills someone for the first time. Here are the first three paragraphs.
I cannot even begin to sort out everything that is wrong with that sentence! Starting in medias res can be, in the hands of a decent writer, a useful technique for rapidly investing the reader in the scene. However, the description of the escape is so dry that it saps any intensity the opening created. Gaider seems to want us to identify with Maric and his current plight, but sympathy only comes from knowing and liking a character, and we have barely met Maric and have never met his mother, so we don't care about what is happening to him. In short, Bad Writing + No Sympathy = Shit Opening.
Eventually, Maric runs into a band of outlaws lead by a man named Loghain, and Loghain decides to take Maric back to his camp (not knowing who he is of course). Loghain's father, Gareth (don't bother remembering his name), is apparently the head of a large outlaw band, and he and his son took up a life of crime after being forced off their land because of their inability to pay the high taxes imposed by the Orlesians. Accompanying them is a former Chantry (i.e. the clergy in this Ye New Shit Fantasy World) member, Sister Ailis (don't bother remembering her name because she doesn't show up again until MUCH later). Maric does not reveal who he is, but eventually the outlaws figure it out while the Usurper's army is heading towards the camp. Loghain wants to hand Maric over to them, but his father is loyal to the former king, and he makes Loghain take Maric safely away while he leads the band in a delaying battle. Maric and Loghain get away from the battle just in time to see Gareth cut down by the usurper's men. This should be a tragic moment equivalent to the death of Simba's father in the "Lion King." Of course, Gaider does not take any opportunity with such a scene.
This has no emotional intensity! To see it actually done right, I will bring this up later in the description of another character's death. Loghain gets angry and blames Maric for what just happened and then punches him.
What other kind of blood is there? I will credit Gaider for being nearly the only writer who seems to know that blood tastes metallic. However, this is the big recruitment scene where Loghain takes his anger out on Maric, but Maric eventually convinces him to join Team Good; it is Loghain's first step on the path to growth as a character. In spite of all this, I am still focused on the lulzy descriptions! A few pages later, Loghain, having been convinced by Maric to see him safely to his army, catches the two some dinner in the form of a Silent Crawler.
How can blood be angry? I guess I am pointing out all the stupid descriptions because Gaider has completely failed to invest me in the characters or the setting. He sort of manages to do that a liitle while from now, but if I was reading this at a bookstore, I would have already put it down. Anyway, they decide to cut through the Korcari Wilds because the soldiers are unlikely to follow them into such a desolate, dangerous place. If I was going to label this book based on what has happened so far, I would consider it a badly-written version of the Monomyth. This is not necessarily a bad thing because the Monomyth narrative framework, despite being highly overused and cliché, is still able to embody a story with a mythic, epic quality that even someone like Gaider cannot totally subvert. Maric and Loghain are then taken prisoner by Dalish elves. Apparently, in this setting, elves are like Indians (feathers not dots). They lived in nomadic bands until the humans came. Now, most elves live as the underclass in the human cities, but some, like the Dalish, still live the nomadic life. Anyway, the elves decide to take them to see the Witch of the Wilds. (Which witch you may ask? Okay, I will stop now.) This where the novel actually grabbed me; the scene with the witch is somewhat creepy. Here is a sample of the scene.
After Maric and Loghain discuss the corpse, the witch suddenly appears. Loghain, like an idiot, threatens her and pays the price.
This is such a great scene because it manages to both be creepy and introduce some aspects of the setting, namely the witchs' tendency to employ living trees as servants. After Maric promises to keep Loghain in check, the trees release him. The witch offers to help them get safely out of the Wildlands and tell Maric some secret information in exchange for a favor from him later on. The favor is never explained. I guess Gaider wants us to buy the second book. This is another scene that is practically ripped from the Monomyth, specifically the section "Supernatural Aid." This is probably why it is so compelling. Here is what Campbell has to say about this scene.
Protective Figure: Check! Supernatural Protection: Check! Of course, Gaider ends up partially subverting this scene with some stupid writing.
Anyway, Maric agrees to her terms, and the two are then lead by a little bluebird out of the woods and back to the remnants of Maric's army. Here we are introduced to two new characters: Rowan (a.k.a. Tomboy Warrior-Princess) and her father Arl Rendorn Guerrein. The Guerrein's are (formerly) powerful nobles who sided with the Rebel Queen. Rowan is the main love interest and has been betrothed to Maric since birth. However, the Usurper's army is once again bearing down on them, and after nixing the idea of simply abandoning the army, Maric convinces Arl Rendorn to stage a daring retreat that manages to keep at least half the army intact. This is where Gaider seems to ditch the whole "Hero's Journey" narrative structure and embark on a LOTR Book 3&5 structure (i.e. the ones without Frodo). Eventually, the story will shift back to the journey structure before once again shifitng back to the battle structure. It is this constant shifting of tone that is one of the worst problems of this book.
We now get some coverage of the three main villains in this tale. Meghren, the usurper, is basically a puppet king who was appointed by the Orlesian Emperor as a punishment. His two advisors are the Archmage Severan, and Mother Brogan, the head of the Chantry. Basically, Meghren throws a temper tantrum and orders Severan to bring him Prince Maric. Severan then hires a Bard, Katriel, to get close to Maric and gain his confidence.
Then we flash forward several years. Maric's army is steadily growing, and he is learning more about leading men; Loghain has stayed with him and now heads some covert squad called the Night Elves. Eventually, Maric's army has grown to the point where he decides to retake some territory: namely, the port town of Gwaren. After some decent battle coverage, the town has been taken and kept. During the battle, Maric 'saves' Katriel from several ruffians. After the battle, Loghain tries to leave, but Rowan persuades him to stay. (Gee, I wonder where this is going?
) Katriel also succeeds in seducing Maric, and we get our first taste of hawt elf sex!
Of course Maric is such a swell guy that he ends up "seducing" Katriel as well. During the next few months, Maric grows in popularity, and he even decides to hold a court. He then unveils a risky plan to end the Orlesian occupation in one fell swoop. Apparently, the Orlesian army, the Legionnaires, are little more than mercenaries, and Maric learns that the money used to pay the Legionnaires will soon be arriving in the town of West Harbor. If Maric's army can succeed in taking the money, then the Legionnaires will dessert Meghren. Of course, we can probably see the trap coming from a mile away. Severan has planted this bait knowing Maric would bite, and Severan plans to place a whole army inside and around the city. Katriel and others are sent ahead to provide intel, and Katriel, of course, betrays all the others to the authorities, so Maric's army goes in blind, and the trap goes off as planned. In the middle of battle, Loghain and Rowan decide to abandon their posts to rescue Maric, since they told him to stay away from the battle for his safety. Severan has learned Maric's location and has sent soldiers to dispatch him. Of course Katriel, having both fallen for Maric and learned that Severan sought to kill him and not to bring him back alive (Dumb Bitch!), decides to fly to Maric's rescue as well and arrives in the nick of time. The battle itself is not covered much. After the fact, we learn that it was mostly a total route for Maric's forces. Arl Rendorn was killed, and the few survivors were heading back to Gwaren while being pursued by Meghren's forces. Maric, Loghain, Rowan and Katriel have become separated from the army, and Maric wants to get back to Gwaren as quickly as possible to lead his men.
Katriel then comes up with the idea of traveling through the abandoned underground tunnels built by dwarves. As you might have guessed, this is the Moria section of the book; it is also where the story shifts back to the "Hero's Journey" narrative structure. Basically, this place was built by the dwarves long ago, but they were driven from it by the Darkspawn and the Blight. However, that was long ago, and no surface-dweller has seen hide nor hair of a Darkspawn since then. Since this is the only way to reach Gwaren in time, Maric agrees. They then journey through the tunnels, and they eventually encounter a ruined dwarven city that has become a spider's nest. They fight off some spiders, and Katriel is poisoned, but they manage to heal her. While Katriel is unconscious, Loghain and Rowan express their suspicions about Katriel, but Maric will hear none of it and expresses his love for the Elf. Rowan takes it hard and flees, and Loghain pursues her. Maric and Katriel make with the comforting talk and then with the sex. Rowan and Loghain do likewise. Here are the two sex scenes back to back.
Well, that is enough sex for now! Let's get to the Darkspawn! The group continues on their journey, and Maric picks up a dragonbone sword that repels all Dark things. Eventually, the group encounters actual Darkspawn.
This is easily the best scene of the book. The group first travels into Blight-infested land. Next, they realize that they have entered into the lair of Darkspawn. Then they begin hearing creepy music, and suddenly a figure emerges from the darkness, and they cannot make it out at first, but they quickly realize it is Darkspawn. They then realize the music is coming from it. Then they realize that more of them are emerging from the darkness. Finally, they realize that they have been ambushed and surrounded. The slow build-up of intensity from eery to downright terrifying is magnificent! It looks like it is curtains for Maric & friends, but they are once again saved in the nick of time by a squad of Dwarves. The Dwarves then agree to take the group back to their camp. They are called the Legion of the Dead because they have been cast out of the Dwarven city of Orzammar to kill Darkspawn as retribution for stealing dwarven land. Apparently, Dwarven politics are blunt and bloody, and the Dwarves join the Legion of the Dead to clear debts or to restore lost honor to their families, etc. The only thing they have to hope for is that they are killed while their kinsmen are able to bury them (by their terms, return them to the stone). When their numbers dwindle enough, the Darkspawn will slaughter the remainder, and those dwarves will not be returned to the stone. Rowan convinces the dwarves to fight for Maric by telling them that Maric, when King, will visit Orzammar and praise their deeds. This will restore their families' honor, since human kings are liked by the dwarves. (God knows why!) The group then heads for the Gwaren route and, when emerging from underground, nearly gets into a skirmish with the remnants of Maric's army. Fortunately, everything is sorted out, and the men jubilantly welcome their King. Maric has returned just before the Usurper's army reaches the town.
What follows appears to be a thrilling battle. Maric's forces hastily organize to meet the attackers, and they fight bravely, but they are narrowly defeated and forced to withdraw. The attackers, thinking they have won, proceed to march into the town, but the people of Gwaren, having heard that Maric has come back from the dead, rise up and riot against the Orlesians, who begin mercilessly slaughtering them. Maric, upon hearing news of the Orlesian butchery, orders his army to turn-about and attack the Orlesians. Maric's army, even though bloodied and wearied, is able to take the Orlesians by surprise and rout them, thereby liberating Gwaren once again. I said this appears to be a thrilling battle because Gaider does not actually cover the battle in this story. We learn the details over the next chapter. The chapter actually involves Severan delivering and receiving several items of bad news: the taking of Gwaren was a failure; Maric was still alive, and news of his apparent resurrection had finally convinced the people of Ferelden to begin rising up en masse.
So this is how they are going to win, eh? The people, thinking Maric came back from the dead, will rise up and help Maric overthrow the invaders. So far this novel has been crap when it comes to writing quality or narrative structure, but at least the sequence of events were somewhat plausible given the setting. This has now been thrown out a window. Here is what Gary Brecher, the War Nerd, has to say about this plan.
In one fell swoop, Gaider destroys nearly everything redeemable about this novel. Anyway, Meghren does not take the news well, and he assaults Mother Bronach, who flees the room. Severan then retires to his quarters where Katriel waits. When he orders her to help kill Maric, she refuses. Severan tries to get violent, but he is quickly immobilized by the (non-fatal) contact poison that Katriel had coated on his doorknob. Apparently, she has decided to throw her chips in with Maric all the way. We now shift back to the heroes and get a half-way decent recollection of the events of the last battle.
What a stirring battle! At least that is what we are told. If I was dealing with a better writer, I would almost assume that he refuses to cover these battles (and the three remaining years of the war) because he thinks the real meat of the story revolves around the love square of Maric, Rowan, Loghain and Katriel. Since I am dealing with Gaider, I assume he either ran into a page limit or got lazy.
What follows is probably the closest thing to an emotional climax the book has to offer. Honestly, I cannot determine what the actual climax is supposed to be, because the book would need an actual plot to have a climax. Basically, Loghain and Rowan had Katriel followed, and when she went to the capital city, their suspicions were confirmed. Loghain goes to Maric and tells him that he wants him to take back Rowan. Then he tells Maric that Katriel is a spy and presents his evidence. When Maric refuses to believe it, Loghain suggests he confront Katriel, who just happens to arrive at that very moment. Maric confronts her, and she breaks down and confesses. The knowledge of her betrayal sends Maric into a blind rage, and when Katriel refuses to leave his side, he runs her through.
Now this is how you do a death scene! Gareth's death scene is a sad mockery in comparison! When Loghain approves of the killing, Maric realizes that Loghain planned for this to happen, and Maric wishes to be left alone to brood. Loghain then goes to Rowan and convinces her to return to Maric. She eventually agrees and goes to Maric's tent. She then tries to cheer him up, and Maric reveals what the witch told him: that he would hurt the ones he loved most and become what he hates to save what he loves. (Oh god, this is so cliché!) Then they fuck.
In the next chapter, Maric finally avenges his mother's death by killing the noblemen who betrayed her. Maric and Loghain then make preparations for a major battle with the usurper's army. In the final chapter, Loghain, waiting on the final battle, sees a dragon flying over the mountains. He is surprised because he had heard there were no more dragons. The Chantry, believing the dragon's appearance to be an omen, declares the new age will be called the "Dragon Age." Loghain also mentions that Mother Bronach has denounced Meghren and declared Maric the rightful king. Loghain then gives a stirring pre-battle pep-talk and charges into the most stunning battle yet!
We then transition back to Maric, who has decided to singlehandedly assassinate Severan. After Severan lobs a few spells, Maric uses the same contact poison to lay Severan low. (Katriel apparently knew of her death and left Maric a letter detailing where to find and how to kill Severan.) He then uses his dragonbone sword to smash Severan's magic barriers and pierce his heart. Here is the final passage of the final chapter.
But, wait, is there an epilogue? Shit!
So, apparently, we have been reading a story-within-a-story for four-hundred pages and did not even know it! Thanks Gaider! Just how does Sister Ailis know what Severan and Katriel were thinking, anyway? BTW, say "hi" again to Sister Ailis, the former Chantry member from ... aw-fuck-it! She is now the maid to Prince Cailan, Maric and Rowan's son. Also, this thing is not even a tale! It is merely a sequence of random events related to the liberation of Ferelden! In this "frame-story", we learn that, yes, they did win. Here is a description of the momentous battle Loghain and Rowan were about to face in the last chapter.
Young Cailan then asks if his parents loved each other, and Sister Ailis assures him that they did, even if they did not have the wild monkey passions they had for Katriel and Loghain respectively. We then learn that Rowan has passed away of a wasting sickness that not even the mages could cure. Loghain came to the palace, and he and Maric privately mourned Rowan. Sister Ailis then tells Cailan that she will tell him another story some other time.
Okay, let's analyze this ending. First of all, frame stories only work if the reader knows he is reading a story-within-a-story, and until now, there has been no hint that we have been reading a story-within-a-story. To pull in a frame story at the last minute for no dramatic reason is just stupid! The only time I have ever seen the sudden appearance of a frame story work is in the South Park episode A Woodland Critter Christmas, and that only works because of its humorous effect. Here is what Wikipedia has to say about the use of frames stories.
Gaider uses none of these strategies! Sister Ailis is so omniscient that she even knows what the villains were thinking, and Prince Cailan is too stupid to raise any objections. She even skips over what are probably the best parts of the story (those three battles and the duel with Meghren)! If Cailan was not a retard, he should kick her in the snapper for telling such a shitty story! The only possible reason I can think of for including this frame story is to wrap-up the tale of the rest of the conflict without actually having to cover it. This is disgusting hackery!
However, the most disturbing scene is at the very end when Ailis describes how Maric and Loghain mourned Rowan.
The way Gaider tells it, it almost sound as if they were "exploring the boundaries of their sexuality beyond the heteronormative paradigm." They must like fish-sticks!
Let's Wrap This Up And Throw It In the River!
If you are simply looking for a decent fantasy story to read for entertainment, you should probably look elsewhere. However, if you are a rabid Bioware fanboy who wants to get even more excited about the upcoming Dragon Age: Origins, this book will do the job nicely. While I disliked the novel, it did succeed in actually getting me excited about the upcoming game, which is probably its main purpose. However, if you are such a rabid Bioware fanboy, you have already bought the book, finished it on release day, and posted a glowing review like the one at the beginning. Otherwise, you can certainly do better than reading Dragon Age: The Stolen Throne.
By Elzair
Since the second Gaider novel, Dragon Age: The Calling, is set to be released on October 13, I thought I might get around to finally finishing the first novel, Dragon Age: The Stolen Throne, for my review. I decided to review this book after reading Edward R Murrow's response to this glowing review of the book.
Well, clearly I am up for it! Since my family recently got a Kindle, I was able to purchase it for several dollars cheaper than what a dead tree version would cost. Hurray for Amazon! Honestly, I could not care less if Amazon decided to take this book away from me. They probably would have done me a favor. Well, I read it, and here are my impressions.
Characters? More Like Caricatures!
First of all, I should introduce the main cast of characters. The characters in this novel, for the most part, embody one or two (or maybe three) of the stock fantasy "character"-archetypes. The main "character" (okay, I will stop now) is of course Prince Maric, who is the classic fantasy zero to hero guy. He is the son of the deposed royal family of the kingdom of Ferelden. He starts out a whiny, incompetent little bitch who is content to take a back-seat to life and, while mostly remaining a whiny little bitch, transforms into a relatively competent and decisive ruler over the course of the novel. He also starts off way too trusting of others, and he is hardened by a loved one's betrayal. That pretty much sums up Maric. You have seen him many time before.
Now, let's move on to the sidekick! Loghain is the badass loner who starts out only interested in looking out for numeral uno and eventually learns the importance of friendship, justice, the cause, blah blah blah. He is the cold-blooded guy who gets to carry out all the "regrettable but necessary" actions in this insurgency. At first he hates Maric because he blames him for his father's death, but Loghain eventually comes to accept Maric as a friend, which corresponds to his acceptance of all that other shit. Loghain shows he is willing to do what must be done when he engineers the death of a traitor and breaks off his relationship with Rowan. Of all the main characters, he is clearly the most unique. The only character he reminds me of is Lancelot.
Rowan Guerrein (don't bother remembering her surname) is the main female and (incidentally) love-interest in this story. She is the classic tomboy warrior-princess character. She is a butt-kicking babe, but she still has a hidden feminine side. She has only cried 3-5 times in her life, etc. etc. She has been betrothed to Maric since birth, and she clearly loves him but also gradually develops feelings for Loghain as well. She is deeply disturbed by Maric's fling with Katriel. Maric's exclamation of love for Katriel prompts her to realize that she has developed a strong love for Loghain. She eventually learns what it means to be a queen when she puts aside her feelings for Loghain to be Maric's queen for the good of the kingdom. She mostly reminds me of a shallow Eowyn.
Katriel is the female version of the badass, loaner cloak-and-dagger guy who eventually learns what it means to care about other people. She is a Bard, an elite organization of spies masquerading as minstrels. She is also an Elf and therefore knows what it means to be oppressed; do not worry, this does not come up much. She ends up staying beside Maric even at the cost of her own life. In short, she is the classic bad girl who is redeemed after falling head over heels for the main hero of the story.
Like the heroes, the villains are mostly uninspiring as well. The usurper, king Meghren, is portrayed as a vain, petty, foolish and shallow man who seems more interested in building monuments to his ego than he is in ruling. He hates Ferelden because he views it as backward and because the Orlesian Emperor forced him to take the job as king. Meghren is clearly my favorite character in the novel because he is the only one who seems interesting in the slightest and because he is the only one Gaider is capable of portraying decently.
While Meghren is the best of the three and the nominal king, Gaider clearly intended to portray Severan as the main villain. Severan, the arch-mage and advisor to king Meghren, is the classic scheming-power-behind-the-throne character; think Jafar but with less malevolence and more bleh, and you have Severan in a nutshell.
Mother Bronach, the head of the Chantry and other 'advisor' to Meghren, is simply a mixture of frigidness, yuppie, and political opportunist; think Talleyrand with a vagina and an extra helping of bitch. She does not show up much, though.
Well, there are other, secondary characters, but they matter (and are characterized) even less. Now that we know all the main characters, let's talk about the plot!
Plot? What Plot?
Well, the second thing a good reviewer should do is give a detailed synopsis of the plot, and this is what I would do if the book had one! Right now, you may be thinking, "what do you mean this book has no plot? Even bad books have bad plots, right?" Well, this is the New Shit, and in this new age, plots can be traded for ORSOME (READ: dull) battles and HAWT (READ: PG-13 at best) sex scenes (not to mention 300+ pages of meaningless descriptions of random events). Well, I might as well try to analyze the events that unfold in this book. Be prepared, though, because this section will basically give away the entire "plot" of the book.
caption:Remember kids, every good fantasy novel must have a map!
The novel takes place in the land of Ferelden, a former kingdom which was conquered by the Orlesian Empire several decades ago. Nowadays, it is ruled by a pawn of the Empire. The daughter of the deposed Monarch decided to continue fighting the Orlesian invaders to regain her family's rightful place and has lead a low-scale insurgency for several decades. During this time, she had a son, Maric. The novel begins just as she and her guards have been betrayed and killed. Maric was with her when it happened, and only he escapes. Then we get several pages describing Maric's escape and how he kills someone for the first time. Here are the first three paragraphs.
I cannot even begin to sort out everything that is wrong with that sentence! Starting in medias res can be, in the hands of a decent writer, a useful technique for rapidly investing the reader in the scene. However, the description of the escape is so dry that it saps any intensity the opening created. Gaider seems to want us to identify with Maric and his current plight, but sympathy only comes from knowing and liking a character, and we have barely met Maric and have never met his mother, so we don't care about what is happening to him. In short, Bad Writing + No Sympathy = Shit Opening.
Eventually, Maric runs into a band of outlaws lead by a man named Loghain, and Loghain decides to take Maric back to his camp (not knowing who he is of course). Loghain's father, Gareth (don't bother remembering his name), is apparently the head of a large outlaw band, and he and his son took up a life of crime after being forced off their land because of their inability to pay the high taxes imposed by the Orlesians. Accompanying them is a former Chantry (i.e. the clergy in this Ye New Shit Fantasy World) member, Sister Ailis (don't bother remembering her name because she doesn't show up again until MUCH later). Maric does not reveal who he is, but eventually the outlaws figure it out while the Usurper's army is heading towards the camp. Loghain wants to hand Maric over to them, but his father is loyal to the former king, and he makes Loghain take Maric safely away while he leads the band in a delaying battle. Maric and Loghain get away from the battle just in time to see Gareth cut down by the usurper's men. This should be a tragic moment equivalent to the death of Simba's father in the "Lion King." Of course, Gaider does not take any opportunity with such a scene.
This has no emotional intensity! To see it actually done right, I will bring this up later in the description of another character's death. Loghain gets angry and blames Maric for what just happened and then punches him.
What other kind of blood is there? I will credit Gaider for being nearly the only writer who seems to know that blood tastes metallic. However, this is the big recruitment scene where Loghain takes his anger out on Maric, but Maric eventually convinces him to join Team Good; it is Loghain's first step on the path to growth as a character. In spite of all this, I am still focused on the lulzy descriptions! A few pages later, Loghain, having been convinced by Maric to see him safely to his army, catches the two some dinner in the form of a Silent Crawler.
How can blood be angry? I guess I am pointing out all the stupid descriptions because Gaider has completely failed to invest me in the characters or the setting. He sort of manages to do that a liitle while from now, but if I was reading this at a bookstore, I would have already put it down. Anyway, they decide to cut through the Korcari Wilds because the soldiers are unlikely to follow them into such a desolate, dangerous place. If I was going to label this book based on what has happened so far, I would consider it a badly-written version of the Monomyth. This is not necessarily a bad thing because the Monomyth narrative framework, despite being highly overused and cliché, is still able to embody a story with a mythic, epic quality that even someone like Gaider cannot totally subvert. Maric and Loghain are then taken prisoner by Dalish elves. Apparently, in this setting, elves are like Indians (feathers not dots). They lived in nomadic bands until the humans came. Now, most elves live as the underclass in the human cities, but some, like the Dalish, still live the nomadic life. Anyway, the elves decide to take them to see the Witch of the Wilds. (Which witch you may ask? Okay, I will stop now.) This where the novel actually grabbed me; the scene with the witch is somewhat creepy. Here is a sample of the scene.
After Maric and Loghain discuss the corpse, the witch suddenly appears. Loghain, like an idiot, threatens her and pays the price.
This is such a great scene because it manages to both be creepy and introduce some aspects of the setting, namely the witchs' tendency to employ living trees as servants. After Maric promises to keep Loghain in check, the trees release him. The witch offers to help them get safely out of the Wildlands and tell Maric some secret information in exchange for a favor from him later on. The favor is never explained. I guess Gaider wants us to buy the second book. This is another scene that is practically ripped from the Monomyth, specifically the section "Supernatural Aid." This is probably why it is so compelling. Here is what Campbell has to say about this scene.
Protective Figure: Check! Supernatural Protection: Check! Of course, Gaider ends up partially subverting this scene with some stupid writing.
Anyway, Maric agrees to her terms, and the two are then lead by a little bluebird out of the woods and back to the remnants of Maric's army. Here we are introduced to two new characters: Rowan (a.k.a. Tomboy Warrior-Princess) and her father Arl Rendorn Guerrein. The Guerrein's are (formerly) powerful nobles who sided with the Rebel Queen. Rowan is the main love interest and has been betrothed to Maric since birth. However, the Usurper's army is once again bearing down on them, and after nixing the idea of simply abandoning the army, Maric convinces Arl Rendorn to stage a daring retreat that manages to keep at least half the army intact. This is where Gaider seems to ditch the whole "Hero's Journey" narrative structure and embark on a LOTR Book 3&5 structure (i.e. the ones without Frodo). Eventually, the story will shift back to the journey structure before once again shifitng back to the battle structure. It is this constant shifting of tone that is one of the worst problems of this book.
We now get some coverage of the three main villains in this tale. Meghren, the usurper, is basically a puppet king who was appointed by the Orlesian Emperor as a punishment. His two advisors are the Archmage Severan, and Mother Brogan, the head of the Chantry. Basically, Meghren throws a temper tantrum and orders Severan to bring him Prince Maric. Severan then hires a Bard, Katriel, to get close to Maric and gain his confidence.
Then we flash forward several years. Maric's army is steadily growing, and he is learning more about leading men; Loghain has stayed with him and now heads some covert squad called the Night Elves. Eventually, Maric's army has grown to the point where he decides to retake some territory: namely, the port town of Gwaren. After some decent battle coverage, the town has been taken and kept. During the battle, Maric 'saves' Katriel from several ruffians. After the battle, Loghain tries to leave, but Rowan persuades him to stay. (Gee, I wonder where this is going?
) Katriel also succeeds in seducing Maric, and we get our first taste of hawt elf sex! Of course Maric is such a swell guy that he ends up "seducing" Katriel as well. During the next few months, Maric grows in popularity, and he even decides to hold a court. He then unveils a risky plan to end the Orlesian occupation in one fell swoop. Apparently, the Orlesian army, the Legionnaires, are little more than mercenaries, and Maric learns that the money used to pay the Legionnaires will soon be arriving in the town of West Harbor. If Maric's army can succeed in taking the money, then the Legionnaires will dessert Meghren. Of course, we can probably see the trap coming from a mile away. Severan has planted this bait knowing Maric would bite, and Severan plans to place a whole army inside and around the city. Katriel and others are sent ahead to provide intel, and Katriel, of course, betrays all the others to the authorities, so Maric's army goes in blind, and the trap goes off as planned. In the middle of battle, Loghain and Rowan decide to abandon their posts to rescue Maric, since they told him to stay away from the battle for his safety. Severan has learned Maric's location and has sent soldiers to dispatch him. Of course Katriel, having both fallen for Maric and learned that Severan sought to kill him and not to bring him back alive (Dumb Bitch!), decides to fly to Maric's rescue as well and arrives in the nick of time. The battle itself is not covered much. After the fact, we learn that it was mostly a total route for Maric's forces. Arl Rendorn was killed, and the few survivors were heading back to Gwaren while being pursued by Meghren's forces. Maric, Loghain, Rowan and Katriel have become separated from the army, and Maric wants to get back to Gwaren as quickly as possible to lead his men.
Katriel then comes up with the idea of traveling through the abandoned underground tunnels built by dwarves. As you might have guessed, this is the Moria section of the book; it is also where the story shifts back to the "Hero's Journey" narrative structure. Basically, this place was built by the dwarves long ago, but they were driven from it by the Darkspawn and the Blight. However, that was long ago, and no surface-dweller has seen hide nor hair of a Darkspawn since then. Since this is the only way to reach Gwaren in time, Maric agrees. They then journey through the tunnels, and they eventually encounter a ruined dwarven city that has become a spider's nest. They fight off some spiders, and Katriel is poisoned, but they manage to heal her. While Katriel is unconscious, Loghain and Rowan express their suspicions about Katriel, but Maric will hear none of it and expresses his love for the Elf. Rowan takes it hard and flees, and Loghain pursues her. Maric and Katriel make with the comforting talk and then with the sex. Rowan and Loghain do likewise. Here are the two sex scenes back to back.
Well, that is enough sex for now! Let's get to the Darkspawn! The group continues on their journey, and Maric picks up a dragonbone sword that repels all Dark things. Eventually, the group encounters actual Darkspawn.
This is easily the best scene of the book. The group first travels into Blight-infested land. Next, they realize that they have entered into the lair of Darkspawn. Then they begin hearing creepy music, and suddenly a figure emerges from the darkness, and they cannot make it out at first, but they quickly realize it is Darkspawn. They then realize the music is coming from it. Then they realize that more of them are emerging from the darkness. Finally, they realize that they have been ambushed and surrounded. The slow build-up of intensity from eery to downright terrifying is magnificent! It looks like it is curtains for Maric & friends, but they are once again saved in the nick of time by a squad of Dwarves. The Dwarves then agree to take the group back to their camp. They are called the Legion of the Dead because they have been cast out of the Dwarven city of Orzammar to kill Darkspawn as retribution for stealing dwarven land. Apparently, Dwarven politics are blunt and bloody, and the Dwarves join the Legion of the Dead to clear debts or to restore lost honor to their families, etc. The only thing they have to hope for is that they are killed while their kinsmen are able to bury them (by their terms, return them to the stone). When their numbers dwindle enough, the Darkspawn will slaughter the remainder, and those dwarves will not be returned to the stone. Rowan convinces the dwarves to fight for Maric by telling them that Maric, when King, will visit Orzammar and praise their deeds. This will restore their families' honor, since human kings are liked by the dwarves. (God knows why!) The group then heads for the Gwaren route and, when emerging from underground, nearly gets into a skirmish with the remnants of Maric's army. Fortunately, everything is sorted out, and the men jubilantly welcome their King. Maric has returned just before the Usurper's army reaches the town.
What follows appears to be a thrilling battle. Maric's forces hastily organize to meet the attackers, and they fight bravely, but they are narrowly defeated and forced to withdraw. The attackers, thinking they have won, proceed to march into the town, but the people of Gwaren, having heard that Maric has come back from the dead, rise up and riot against the Orlesians, who begin mercilessly slaughtering them. Maric, upon hearing news of the Orlesian butchery, orders his army to turn-about and attack the Orlesians. Maric's army, even though bloodied and wearied, is able to take the Orlesians by surprise and rout them, thereby liberating Gwaren once again. I said this appears to be a thrilling battle because Gaider does not actually cover the battle in this story. We learn the details over the next chapter. The chapter actually involves Severan delivering and receiving several items of bad news: the taking of Gwaren was a failure; Maric was still alive, and news of his apparent resurrection had finally convinced the people of Ferelden to begin rising up en masse.
So this is how they are going to win, eh? The people, thinking Maric came back from the dead, will rise up and help Maric overthrow the invaders. So far this novel has been crap when it comes to writing quality or narrative structure, but at least the sequence of events were somewhat plausible given the setting. This has now been thrown out a window. Here is what Gary Brecher, the War Nerd, has to say about this plan.
In one fell swoop, Gaider destroys nearly everything redeemable about this novel. Anyway, Meghren does not take the news well, and he assaults Mother Bronach, who flees the room. Severan then retires to his quarters where Katriel waits. When he orders her to help kill Maric, she refuses. Severan tries to get violent, but he is quickly immobilized by the (non-fatal) contact poison that Katriel had coated on his doorknob. Apparently, she has decided to throw her chips in with Maric all the way. We now shift back to the heroes and get a half-way decent recollection of the events of the last battle.
What a stirring battle! At least that is what we are told. If I was dealing with a better writer, I would almost assume that he refuses to cover these battles (and the three remaining years of the war) because he thinks the real meat of the story revolves around the love square of Maric, Rowan, Loghain and Katriel. Since I am dealing with Gaider, I assume he either ran into a page limit or got lazy.
What follows is probably the closest thing to an emotional climax the book has to offer. Honestly, I cannot determine what the actual climax is supposed to be, because the book would need an actual plot to have a climax. Basically, Loghain and Rowan had Katriel followed, and when she went to the capital city, their suspicions were confirmed. Loghain goes to Maric and tells him that he wants him to take back Rowan. Then he tells Maric that Katriel is a spy and presents his evidence. When Maric refuses to believe it, Loghain suggests he confront Katriel, who just happens to arrive at that very moment. Maric confronts her, and she breaks down and confesses. The knowledge of her betrayal sends Maric into a blind rage, and when Katriel refuses to leave his side, he runs her through.
Now this is how you do a death scene! Gareth's death scene is a sad mockery in comparison! When Loghain approves of the killing, Maric realizes that Loghain planned for this to happen, and Maric wishes to be left alone to brood. Loghain then goes to Rowan and convinces her to return to Maric. She eventually agrees and goes to Maric's tent. She then tries to cheer him up, and Maric reveals what the witch told him: that he would hurt the ones he loved most and become what he hates to save what he loves. (Oh god, this is so cliché!) Then they fuck.
In the next chapter, Maric finally avenges his mother's death by killing the noblemen who betrayed her. Maric and Loghain then make preparations for a major battle with the usurper's army. In the final chapter, Loghain, waiting on the final battle, sees a dragon flying over the mountains. He is surprised because he had heard there were no more dragons. The Chantry, believing the dragon's appearance to be an omen, declares the new age will be called the "Dragon Age." Loghain also mentions that Mother Bronach has denounced Meghren and declared Maric the rightful king. Loghain then gives a stirring pre-battle pep-talk and charges into the most stunning battle yet!
We then transition back to Maric, who has decided to singlehandedly assassinate Severan. After Severan lobs a few spells, Maric uses the same contact poison to lay Severan low. (Katriel apparently knew of her death and left Maric a letter detailing where to find and how to kill Severan.) He then uses his dragonbone sword to smash Severan's magic barriers and pierce his heart. Here is the final passage of the final chapter.
But, wait, is there an epilogue? Shit!
So, apparently, we have been reading a story-within-a-story for four-hundred pages and did not even know it! Thanks Gaider! Just how does Sister Ailis know what Severan and Katriel were thinking, anyway? BTW, say "hi" again to Sister Ailis, the former Chantry member from ... aw-fuck-it! She is now the maid to Prince Cailan, Maric and Rowan's son. Also, this thing is not even a tale! It is merely a sequence of random events related to the liberation of Ferelden! In this "frame-story", we learn that, yes, they did win. Here is a description of the momentous battle Loghain and Rowan were about to face in the last chapter.
Young Cailan then asks if his parents loved each other, and Sister Ailis assures him that they did, even if they did not have the wild monkey passions they had for Katriel and Loghain respectively. We then learn that Rowan has passed away of a wasting sickness that not even the mages could cure. Loghain came to the palace, and he and Maric privately mourned Rowan. Sister Ailis then tells Cailan that she will tell him another story some other time.
Okay, let's analyze this ending. First of all, frame stories only work if the reader knows he is reading a story-within-a-story, and until now, there has been no hint that we have been reading a story-within-a-story. To pull in a frame story at the last minute for no dramatic reason is just stupid! The only time I have ever seen the sudden appearance of a frame story work is in the South Park episode A Woodland Critter Christmas, and that only works because of its humorous effect. Here is what Wikipedia has to say about the use of frames stories.
Gaider uses none of these strategies! Sister Ailis is so omniscient that she even knows what the villains were thinking, and Prince Cailan is too stupid to raise any objections. She even skips over what are probably the best parts of the story (those three battles and the duel with Meghren)! If Cailan was not a retard, he should kick her in the snapper for telling such a shitty story! The only possible reason I can think of for including this frame story is to wrap-up the tale of the rest of the conflict without actually having to cover it. This is disgusting hackery!
However, the most disturbing scene is at the very end when Ailis describes how Maric and Loghain mourned Rowan.
The way Gaider tells it, it almost sound as if they were "exploring the boundaries of their sexuality beyond the heteronormative paradigm." They must like fish-sticks!
Let's Wrap This Up And Throw It In the River!
If you are simply looking for a decent fantasy story to read for entertainment, you should probably look elsewhere. However, if you are a rabid Bioware fanboy who wants to get even more excited about the upcoming Dragon Age: Origins, this book will do the job nicely. While I disliked the novel, it did succeed in actually getting me excited about the upcoming game, which is probably its main purpose. However, if you are such a rabid Bioware fanboy, you have already bought the book, finished it on release day, and posted a glowing review like the one at the beginning. Otherwise, you can certainly do better than reading Dragon Age: The Stolen Throne.
