Andyman Messiah
Mr. Ed-ucated
Update 07: No, I'd love to dance but then who's gonna hold up this fucking wall, huh!?
Last time on Let's Play Final Fantasy 8 we did stupid things but now we're back and ready to do, well, slightly less stupid things. We rejoin our unflappable flapjacks on the Balamb docks as they've just returned from their final exam and are getting closer and closer to finally graduate the fuck outta this place. With as much dignity as possible. Finally finally.
Yes, Seifer. How did it go?
Man... All they did was get in my way. Being a leader ain't easy.
SAFE?
*SHRUG*
And off he goes.
Oh you little bitch, if you hadn't save my ass back there I'd fucking dress Zell up in your clothes and slap him silly.
Where's Seifer?
*shrug*
*shrug* Just be back at Garden by sundown. You're free 'til then. Ok, dismissed!
SHRUG.
And off Seifer goes! Again.
Well, while Zell and Selphie acts like Seifer just stole their car and left them out in the wilderness to be molested by canadians and devoured by caribbeans, Squall does the mature thing here and suggests that they might as well walk back to the school. Incidently, that gives us an excellent reason to explore this gigantic city of wonders! Well, there's really only two places you can check out and feel like you're doing important things.
The first is at the hotel. Here we find the first Timber Maniacs magazine!
Found an old issue of [Timber Maniacs]!
...............You finished reading it!
The importance of collecting issues of Timber Maniacs will be revealed later in the game as we encounter the mysterious entity known as Laguna, travelling journalist, hunchback and all around this installment's “so stupid he's awesome” character. But that'll be in a while. Just remember his name. Laguna. Aww yeah.
The second thing we should do while in town is drop in on Zell's mom.
Zell's mom. Aww yeah.
Zell's mom is... well, you know how every milf (naturally) is a mom but not every mom is a milf? Yeah. It's like that.
Zell, what a surprise! Are these your friends?
Excellent question! But rather than answering the question directly...
Yo, this is my house. But don't make yourselves too comfortable!
Zell takes a subtle assholish stance. I guess we're not friends. (Thank god!)
Zell's house holds nothing of importance. You can find an old issue of [Timber Maniacs] in the living room (.................. NOT!) and Zell's room is off-limits.
Yup. Well, there's one thing we can do: play cards with Zell's mom. She has the, actually not very good Zell card. Making her play it can be a total bitch though, and I honestly gave up on trying to acquire it after a miserable thirty minutes. So yeah, the Zell card. I'll be back for it eventually. When I feel like it!
And that's Balamb! Outside the train station you'll find the Card Queen but we're not going to fuck around with her right now. Off we go to the Garden!
Finally made it back...
Seriously...
Well, I guess we just wait for the test results. 'Til then. See ya, Squall.
See ya!
Whatever, slowfood.
This is a picture showing the kind of important information you can learn from your fellow students. Seriously, food and going on diets is all the female students talk about! Holy cheese coming outta your dick, that's awful. Oh well.
The candidates are back safely, right?
Well, I wouldn't call that an entirely successful mission, but... eh whatever.
Although we didn't realize the Galbadian Army was after the abandoned communication tower...
We've just received word from the Dollet Dukedom. The Galbadian Army has agreed to withdraw as long as the communication tower is repaired and the uplink remains operational.
Yes. The Galbadian Army invaded another country just to repair their old, abandoned communication tower. It's seriously one the greatest things ever. I wish more wars could be fought like that. We have to fix their shit! Let's have a war while we're at it! The only thing greater is probably the reasoning behind it, which we'll see in a few updates. I'm almost certain Square's writers bathed in absinthe when they wrote this game's plot. Well, back to the game!
Well, in any case, Galbadia is out of there. We could've made more money if they'd stayed and caused more ruckus.
Well, damn. You're a fucking bitch, Xu.
Alright, all the paths except the one to the right are blocked so let's head over there and meet up with Seifer, who apparently really wants to talk to Squall. If you try to run past him he'll stop you and initiate talking.
We would've been heroes if it weren't for that withdraw order.
You were only looking for a fight.
As opposed to all the other soldiers we sent out there to fight!
My dear instructor, I'm hurt. Those are rather cruel words for an aspiring student. A mediocre instructor like you will never understand.
Oh snap? Yeah, sure, I'll take it.
Seifer, don't be so stuck on yourself. You'll take all responsibility for leaving the designated area.
Isn't it the captain's duty to take the best possible action?
Seifer, you'll never be a SeeD. Calling yourself a captain is a joke.
This is one of the very few oh snaps in the game that causes the oh snapped-at character to break down. Yes, Seifer starts crying. (WHO'S THE FUCKING CHICKENWUSS NOW, HUH?!) But no worries, because here's Robin Williams to comfort him!
He shows Quistis the way to walk, and adresses Seifer.
Seifer. You will be disciplined for your irresponsible behavior. You must follow orders exactly during combat. But I'm not entirely without sympathy for you. I don't want you all to become machines. I want you all to be able to think and act for yourselves.
Whatever.
I am....
Headmaster Cid, you have some business in your office....
There are so many issues at hand here.
And off he goes, leaving the emotionally unstable leader of Balamb's trenchcoat brigade to sort out himself and possibly expand that list he was talking about. Great. I'm sure this won't turn him into a FUCKING VILLAIN! Eh, fuck it, let's just go up and get graduated.
We start out with Zell acting like his true self; as the most annoying character in the game.
I mean, look at him!
Look at his goddamn walk for fucks sake! THIS is a guy they're gonna send out to handle top secret military operations!? Fuck me sideways. The only other graduate in this room is, naturally, plain old “Squall from Squad B”. The janitor doesn't seem to have been informed of Squall's lionheartingly-sounding last name.
So here we are.
Our graduates, ladies. From left to right, an overly excited girl with 60's hippie era style hair, a nobody, a stupid little shit and then Squall from Squad B. Quite the team, huh?
First of all, congratulations.
Oh go fuck yourself, Cid.
However... From now on, as a member of SeeD, you will be dispatched all over the world. We are proud to introduce SeeD, Balamb Garden's mercenary soldiers.
Alright.
SeeD soldiers are combat specialists. BUT...
...fucking?
That is only one aspect of SeeD. When the time comes...
Headmaster... It's almost time for the meeting. Please make this short.
Is it just me, or doesn't it seem that these faculty assholes has more pull on this place than the headmaster and supposed founder of the Gardens? They seem to constantly interupt his speeches, bulldozes over his duties and generally just act like assholes! Annoying little fuckshitters is what they are. Would it be too much to ask for a scene where Squall makes them deepthroat his fucking sword or something?
SeeD is a valuable asset to Garden.
Yeah, well, it's the Garden's ONLY fucking purpose, isn't it!?
It's reputation is solely dependant on each one of you.
Which explains why we allow Zell, an immature fuckhead with mood swings, to become a SeeD, and not Seifer, who happens to be an immature fuckhead with mood swings.
Handle your mission with care.
Fuck you.
Is that what you wanted to say, sir?
YES. WHEN THE TIME COMES HANDLE YOUR MISSION WITH CARE. YES, THAT WAS EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED TO SAY. IT FITS PERFECTLY WITH WHAT I TRIED TO SAY BEFORE YOU INTERUPTED ME, YOU HATFUCKING SHITEATER.
Is there a problem, sir?
No, no problem at all. Everything is just fine and dandy.
Glad to hear it, sir.
Selphie, I look forward to the Garden Festival. I mean, I won't be there but, uh, good luck anyway.
Nida, nobody knows who the fuck you are. Your existence is absolutely meaningless. Have a nice day. Maybe there'll be a minor supporting role somewhere along the ride but don't count on it.
Zell, you stupid little shit. Try to control your emotions a little.
Squall. Holy shit, you're so awesome. I'm so glad we finally have a gunblade specialist!
One final look at Zell's stupid fucking walk.
Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod, it's fucking river dance!
Alright. Enough of this silliness. Hey, Cid, you got something extra for me, you old goat?
Why yes, Squall. It's a battle meter!
What does it do?
With this incredible machine, you can keep track how many fights you've been in and so on!
...why would I want to do that?
Oh, I have no idea! That's why I'm giving it to you! Here, take it!
Gee. Thanks a lot.
And there's absolutely no hidden messages about how I'm being held captive by the faculty or anything like that.
Cool.
So, fuck yeah we're SeeDs now! Awesome! Let's head down to the second floor hallway and brag about our SeeDynessiess!
OH SHIT, IT'S SEIFER!
QUICK! ASSUME BATTLE STANCE!
But Seifer isn't here to fight!
That's right.
Come on, you fuckers! Clap!
Fujin joins in, and soon everyone is congratulating the new SeeD recruits. I really like this scene because it shows that Seifer is actually a good guy when it all comes down, although with serious issues that makes him act like a prick. Of course, those issues will be exploited later in the game. But enough of that bullshit! Let's see what rank we got!
Aww yeah! Rank 9, muthafuckas.
[As a SeeD member, you will be paid a salary at regular intervals. The salary is determined by the SeeD rank. SeeD rank goes up according to your actions in battle. Some actions will cause the rank to go down.]
One of these actions happens to be 'not fighting enough monsters'. To maintain your rank you have to fight monsters regularly, otherwise it'll go down. Awesome, huh? Well, it's only money. The rank will also go down if you fuck around with stuff irrelevant to your mission. Like showing your gunblade to students and even for selling items, no joke. The only thing you really need to know about the rank is that it will never be mentioned again, so feel free to forget about it.
SUDDENLY!
AHHH!! GODDAMN IT, SELPHIE! What's your fucking problem? You scared the shit outta me! Wait, we're not roomies, are we? Fuuuuuuu-- well actually having a girl as your roommate could be kinda cool...
Well, well!? What do you think!? My SeeD uniform! Isn't it like totally goddamn awesome!?
I can pretend she's my girlfriend and I can spy at her when she's changing clothes and when she's sleeping and when she's eating and when
You should get changed too. We have a party to go to!
Oh right, the party. Crap.
Another cool one-shot uniform. Enjoy it while it lasts. Even though it looks like shit compared to that cool thing we were rocking earlier. Oh well.
Heeeey! Looking good! Alright, let's hit the PAAAAH-TAY!!!
FUCKING SIGH.
Fun fact: this is exactly how I, the great Andyman Messiah, act at big parties.
Well, shit, somebody's gotta hold the wall up and drink all the free booze.
It's a hard job but somebody's gotta do it while the rest of you faggots are out there dancing with women and acting like goddamn homosexuals.
SUDDENLY!
Yo!
Crap. Speaking of them damn homosexualities...
S'up, Squall? Heh-heh, I guess we're both SeeDs now, huh?
Daaawwww, it's so cute when he thinks he's an equal!
Also pictured: Squall trying to use his glass as binoculars. Or maybe he's just trying to get his eyes drunk. Maybe. Heck, that's something I would try if I had to go to school with a bunch of fashion deviants.
Hah, even as a SeeD, you're still the same. Well, that's typical of you. See ya!
One moron exits, another moron enters.
Squall! Hey! We'll be busy with a lot of SeeD stuff, but let's work hard on the Garden Festival too, alright? Bye.
Now let's just have some quiet time. It's just me, and you, and Squall...
And the moon...
And a shooting star, of course! I bet there's romance brewing. Either way Squall is absolutely taken away by this beautiful night! Well, it could be the alcohol, but my money's on the night! I'm a romantic, goddammit!
Look at him. The face only the entire universe could love.
But what's this? It seems he's noticed something else! What could it be? Aha! There, on the dance floor!
Aha! Behind the skinny little twig! It's another wall! And it needs supporting! Quick, Squall! Walk over there and--
What? Uh, lady, can you get out of the way, please?
Oh, you raise your fucking finger, huh!?
Well, I'll turn my head slightly!
Yeah!! How do you like that, huh!?
Oh shit she's coming this way! SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!! RUN AWAY RUN AWAY!!!
AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Eh, enough of this horseshit.
Can't argue with that. Meet Rinoa, folks.
Dance with me?
I hate her.
I'd write something bad about Rinoa here but I have to admit I'm getting a little worried about Squall's eyes. Dude, alcohol goes into your mouth! Move the glass down! At least try to make it touch your lips! Christ, it's like nobody ever taught him these things. Alright, back to the story and Rinoa's charming attempts.
Let me guess... You'll only dance with someone you like. Ok then...
Yeah, it was nice meeting you. *cough* crazy bitch *cough*
Oh god, she's going to hypnotize me, take me home to her place, sedate me, stuff me in a tub full of icecubes and remove all my organs! Yeah, don't think I don't know what you devil women are up to!
You're-going-to-like-me... You're-going-to-like-me...
Actually, this could be kinda charming, if it were someone else. But... no.
Did it work?
Well, unfortunately it did, as Squall begins to... laugh. Yes, I believe it is the only time in the entire game he ever laughs. Well, it's more like a soft giggle, but it counts, unfortunately, and Squall, of course, opens up to this strange girl!
I can't dance.
Boy, there's a shocker.
You'll be fine! Come on.
And so Squall is dragged to the dance floor. Every man who's ever been in a situation like that, raise your left hoof.
To be continued!
In the next update, Squall learns how to dance, shares an intimate moment withRinoa the moon, and is introduced to the more sensitive side of Quistis! It's NOT going to be awesome. I DON'T want us to do it. But we will, because this is the greatest Final Fantasy of them all. Final Fantasy 8, muthafuckas!
Last time on Let's Play Final Fantasy 8 we did stupid things but now we're back and ready to do, well, slightly less stupid things. We rejoin our unflappable flapjacks on the Balamb docks as they've just returned from their final exam and are getting closer and closer to finally graduate the fuck outta this place. With as much dignity as possible. Finally finally.
Yes, Seifer. How did it go?
And off he goes.
Oh you little bitch, if you hadn't save my ass back there I'd fucking dress Zell up in your clothes and slap him silly.
SHRUG.
And off Seifer goes! Again.
Well, while Zell and Selphie acts like Seifer just stole their car and left them out in the wilderness to be molested by canadians and devoured by caribbeans, Squall does the mature thing here and suggests that they might as well walk back to the school. Incidently, that gives us an excellent reason to explore this gigantic city of wonders! Well, there's really only two places you can check out and feel like you're doing important things.
The first is at the hotel. Here we find the first Timber Maniacs magazine!
Found an old issue of [Timber Maniacs]!
...............You finished reading it!
The importance of collecting issues of Timber Maniacs will be revealed later in the game as we encounter the mysterious entity known as Laguna, travelling journalist, hunchback and all around this installment's “so stupid he's awesome” character. But that'll be in a while. Just remember his name. Laguna. Aww yeah.
The second thing we should do while in town is drop in on Zell's mom.
Zell's mom. Aww yeah.
Zell's mom is... well, you know how every milf (naturally) is a mom but not every mom is a milf? Yeah. It's like that.
Excellent question! But rather than answering the question directly...
Zell takes a subtle assholish stance. I guess we're not friends. (Thank god!)
Zell's house holds nothing of importance. You can find an old issue of [Timber Maniacs] in the living room (.................. NOT!) and Zell's room is off-limits.
Yup. Well, there's one thing we can do: play cards with Zell's mom. She has the, actually not very good Zell card. Making her play it can be a total bitch though, and I honestly gave up on trying to acquire it after a miserable thirty minutes. So yeah, the Zell card. I'll be back for it eventually. When I feel like it!
And that's Balamb! Outside the train station you'll find the Card Queen but we're not going to fuck around with her right now. Off we go to the Garden!
This is a picture showing the kind of important information you can learn from your fellow students. Seriously, food and going on diets is all the female students talk about! Holy cheese coming outta your dick, that's awful. Oh well.
Well, I wouldn't call that an entirely successful mission, but... eh whatever.
Yes. The Galbadian Army invaded another country just to repair their old, abandoned communication tower. It's seriously one the greatest things ever. I wish more wars could be fought like that. We have to fix their shit! Let's have a war while we're at it! The only thing greater is probably the reasoning behind it, which we'll see in a few updates. I'm almost certain Square's writers bathed in absinthe when they wrote this game's plot. Well, back to the game!
Well, damn. You're a fucking bitch, Xu.
Alright, all the paths except the one to the right are blocked so let's head over there and meet up with Seifer, who apparently really wants to talk to Squall. If you try to run past him he'll stop you and initiate talking.
As opposed to all the other soldiers we sent out there to fight!
Oh snap? Yeah, sure, I'll take it.
This is one of the very few oh snaps in the game that causes the oh snapped-at character to break down. Yes, Seifer starts crying. (WHO'S THE FUCKING CHICKENWUSS NOW, HUH?!) But no worries, because here's Robin Williams to comfort him!
He shows Quistis the way to walk, and adresses Seifer.
Whatever.
And off he goes, leaving the emotionally unstable leader of Balamb's trenchcoat brigade to sort out himself and possibly expand that list he was talking about. Great. I'm sure this won't turn him into a FUCKING VILLAIN! Eh, fuck it, let's just go up and get graduated.
We start out with Zell acting like his true self; as the most annoying character in the game.
I mean, look at him!
Look at his goddamn walk for fucks sake! THIS is a guy they're gonna send out to handle top secret military operations!? Fuck me sideways. The only other graduate in this room is, naturally, plain old “Squall from Squad B”. The janitor doesn't seem to have been informed of Squall's lionheartingly-sounding last name.
So here we are.
Our graduates, ladies. From left to right, an overly excited girl with 60's hippie era style hair, a nobody, a stupid little shit and then Squall from Squad B. Quite the team, huh?
Oh go fuck yourself, Cid.
Alright.
...fucking?
Is it just me, or doesn't it seem that these faculty assholes has more pull on this place than the headmaster and supposed founder of the Gardens? They seem to constantly interupt his speeches, bulldozes over his duties and generally just act like assholes! Annoying little fuckshitters is what they are. Would it be too much to ask for a scene where Squall makes them deepthroat his fucking sword or something?
Yeah, well, it's the Garden's ONLY fucking purpose, isn't it!?
Which explains why we allow Zell, an immature fuckhead with mood swings, to become a SeeD, and not Seifer, who happens to be an immature fuckhead with mood swings.
Fuck you.
One final look at Zell's stupid fucking walk.
Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod, it's fucking river dance!
Alright. Enough of this silliness. Hey, Cid, you got something extra for me, you old goat?
So, fuck yeah we're SeeDs now! Awesome! Let's head down to the second floor hallway and brag about our SeeDynessiess!
OH SHIT, IT'S SEIFER!
QUICK! ASSUME BATTLE STANCE!
But Seifer isn't here to fight!
That's right.
Fujin joins in, and soon everyone is congratulating the new SeeD recruits. I really like this scene because it shows that Seifer is actually a good guy when it all comes down, although with serious issues that makes him act like a prick. Of course, those issues will be exploited later in the game. But enough of that bullshit! Let's see what rank we got!
Aww yeah! Rank 9, muthafuckas.
[As a SeeD member, you will be paid a salary at regular intervals. The salary is determined by the SeeD rank. SeeD rank goes up according to your actions in battle. Some actions will cause the rank to go down.]
One of these actions happens to be 'not fighting enough monsters'. To maintain your rank you have to fight monsters regularly, otherwise it'll go down. Awesome, huh? Well, it's only money. The rank will also go down if you fuck around with stuff irrelevant to your mission. Like showing your gunblade to students and even for selling items, no joke. The only thing you really need to know about the rank is that it will never be mentioned again, so feel free to forget about it.
SUDDENLY!
AHHH!! GODDAMN IT, SELPHIE! What's your fucking problem? You scared the shit outta me! Wait, we're not roomies, are we? Fuuuuuuu-- well actually having a girl as your roommate could be kinda cool...
I can pretend she's my girlfriend and I can spy at her when she's changing clothes and when she's sleeping and when she's eating and when
Oh right, the party. Crap.
Another cool one-shot uniform. Enjoy it while it lasts. Even though it looks like shit compared to that cool thing we were rocking earlier. Oh well.
FUCKING SIGH.
Fun fact: this is exactly how I, the great Andyman Messiah, act at big parties.
Well, shit, somebody's gotta hold the wall up and drink all the free booze.
It's a hard job but somebody's gotta do it while the rest of you faggots are out there dancing with women and acting like goddamn homosexuals.
SUDDENLY!
Crap. Speaking of them damn homosexualities...
Daaawwww, it's so cute when he thinks he's an equal!
Also pictured: Squall trying to use his glass as binoculars. Or maybe he's just trying to get his eyes drunk. Maybe. Heck, that's something I would try if I had to go to school with a bunch of fashion deviants.
One moron exits, another moron enters.
Now let's just have some quiet time. It's just me, and you, and Squall...
And the moon...
And a shooting star, of course! I bet there's romance brewing. Either way Squall is absolutely taken away by this beautiful night! Well, it could be the alcohol, but my money's on the night! I'm a romantic, goddammit!
Look at him. The face only the entire universe could love.
But what's this? It seems he's noticed something else! What could it be? Aha! There, on the dance floor!
Aha! Behind the skinny little twig! It's another wall! And it needs supporting! Quick, Squall! Walk over there and--
What? Uh, lady, can you get out of the way, please?
Oh, you raise your fucking finger, huh!?
Well, I'll turn my head slightly!
Yeah!! How do you like that, huh!?
Oh shit she's coming this way! SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!! RUN AWAY RUN AWAY!!!
AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Eh, enough of this horseshit.
Can't argue with that. Meet Rinoa, folks.
I hate her.
I'd write something bad about Rinoa here but I have to admit I'm getting a little worried about Squall's eyes. Dude, alcohol goes into your mouth! Move the glass down! At least try to make it touch your lips! Christ, it's like nobody ever taught him these things. Alright, back to the story and Rinoa's charming attempts.
Yeah, it was nice meeting you. *cough* crazy bitch *cough*
Oh god, she's going to hypnotize me, take me home to her place, sedate me, stuff me in a tub full of icecubes and remove all my organs! Yeah, don't think I don't know what you devil women are up to!
Actually, this could be kinda charming, if it were someone else. But... no.
Well, unfortunately it did, as Squall begins to... laugh. Yes, I believe it is the only time in the entire game he ever laughs. Well, it's more like a soft giggle, but it counts, unfortunately, and Squall, of course, opens up to this strange girl!
Boy, there's a shocker.
And so Squall is dragged to the dance floor. Every man who's ever been in a situation like that, raise your left hoof.
To be continued!
In the next update, Squall learns how to dance, shares an intimate moment with
