Let's play Wizardry 1!

This is the land of Llylgamyn, the center of commerce and warrior academies, and the basis of many legends. It was once a monarchy, but power shifted to the aristocrats, forcing the royal family to become nothing more than a symbol. The High Council of Sages appointed an Overlord to rule over the kingdom and its provinces, who was a warrior and local hero. Trebor was his name, and his thirst for power was insatiable.

Trebor learned of an ancient amulet held in a forgotten temple on the outskirts of the kingdom, which would help him expand his power. He sent a party of his best men to retrieve the amulet and they were successful.

Trebor had an arch nemesis named Werdna who also knew about the amulet. Werdna used his magic to sneak past Trebors guards and steal the amulet for himself. The wizard knew that Trebor would imagine him a prime suspect for the theft, so he used the power of the amulet to create a giant ten level labyrinth in the ground below the city of Llylgamyn. There he summoned monsters to guard him while he studied the powers of the amulet.

Trebor discovered this maze, and called for the greatest warriors in the realm to enter and find Werdna.



Chapter 1: The Saga Begins



Gilgamesh's Tavern is sets on the edge of town, right near the entrace to the great maze in which Werdna lies. The place is usually busy with patrons, but the cold winter months slow business at times. All kinds of adventurers flock here to rest up and procure equipment before venturing into the maze.



The weather outside is freezing. Only a few travellers set in the tavern tonight. The bar is mostly empty. The bartender, Bruce, is cleaning glasses while talking to one lonely kid.

... so, that's my life story, boss.
And you think you can take on Werdna and his labyrinth by yourself?
No. I need a group. A powerful band of adventurers willing to explore the depths of the perilous trial that awaits us!
Did I hear someone say... ADVENTURE?
Aye! I, Markus Hoppusus, of the fighter class, am looking for a brave and noble party to recover the amulet of the Overlord Trebor.
Do you have a thief? I'm a thief. Justin's my name. Disarming traps and unlocking chests is my game.
A thief would be handy. Come, then! Join my crusade!

You'll need more than two people to go on this quest.
Quest? You're going on a quest?
Hark! Lass! I am going on a quest. A quest of the most noblest and bravest quality.
:whispers: Hey, man, we could use a chick. She could "help us out" when we get kind of lonely down there in the maze, eh? Eh? You know what I'm sayin'?
I am afraid I have no idea what you are postulating, my good thievery.
Postulate nothing! I'm looking for some excitement. Can you provide excitement?
I can provide all the excitement you need, baby! Ho ah!
...
What my illustrious friend is trying to explainulate is that we are going to have the upmost excitement to be had. We are venturing after the great amulet of Lord Trebor!
And we're gonna be questing for some "other stuff"... hehe. You know what I'm sayin'?
Yes! Like armor and weapons and multiple piles of gold!
You boys seem like good people. Okay, then! I'll join!

You're quite the charismatic leader.
Charisma has nothing to do with it. Alas, it is not even a measured attribute.
It looks like your party is shaping up.
Hmm... two fighters and a thievery. We cannot travel like this.
Sure we can. We'll share her. No prob.
What?
You need a priest.
We need a priest.
I a priest.
You're a priest?
Aye. You lookin' for a priest, mon?
Yes sir. Are you very good at healing?
Aye. I and I heal all your pain.
What about pain from rough sexual encounters?
...
What my knightly comrade is trying to ask is if we are attacked furiously from behind in the gluteus maximus region by a band of unsavory orcs, will you be able to restore our virility?
I suppose, mon. Don't go be gettin' into any of that trouble though.
We shall try to avoid it, noble steed. Hark! Foresooth! We have a priest!
Is there something wrong with your brain, mon?

Heeyyyyy... I heard some cool cats were lookin' for a priest.
We already got a priest, slow moe.
Heeyyyyy... all cats need two priests for those dire situations.
That is one way to go.
It sounds like a very logical intuition to me, my good man. Then, you shall join us!
Coooool...

It seems we are ready to head off on our excavationursion.
You're still missing a vital member, Mark.
And who would that be, mister bar tender?
A MAAAAAGGGGEEEE!
Egads man! Have you no coil?
I'M A MAGICAL MAGEY MAGE! UH HUH! AWWWWOOOOOOO!
You hurtin' my ear drums, mon.
I'LL CAST A SPELL ON YOOOOUUUU HOOO!
Charming.
He's right, though.

Then it is settled! A fighter, another fighter, a priest, another priest, a thief, and a mage.
LET'S GET READY TO ROCK.... AND ROOOOOLLLLL!
I seems we all have already outflanked ourselves with the latest gear from Boltec's Trading Post.
Let's blow this joint.



Look my comradings! The entrace to yonder maze is henceforth!
I and I ready, mon.
Hey... I... uh... I heard some... guys... people... were going in the maze... man.
Dis mon is not lookin' right, Mark.
My name is... uh... name... something...
His name is Kurt, love. And I'm Courtney, love. And we're looking to... looking... for a good time.
I'm down with that! Good times! Ho ah!
You... uh... need us... man. We're... fighters... or magickers... uh. Yea.
I am a mage, and my darling is a fighter.
The only thing this cat's fighting is consciousness.
Hey! Man. Uh... we'll join you...
Alas, good... whatever you are, we already have six members in our party. We needn't not more.
Oh, you need us. You NEED us!
WE DON'T NEED NO DOPED UP FREAKS! UH HUH!
Yea, we've already got, like, three of 'em.
I do not feel comfortable around these two miscreants.
Neither do I, Miles. Neither do I. And I am the leader of this here noblest of groupings.
Uh...
He means get lost, mon! You will not be joinin' us.
You're making a huge mistake! You will regret this, mark my words. We'll get the amulet first, then kill you!
Woah, woah. Kill us? That's a little extreme, eh?
Uh...
No one rejects the all great and powerful wizard Courtney! No one! Especially not some pathetic level 1 loser.
I take offense! Atone for your sins and words, woman!
Oh snap! That's a girl?!
Uh...
You have big words, but we have big actions! We'll meet again, little adventurers. Oh, mark my words, we'll meet again!
We already marked them. Now scram, kitty cat.
Nice... uh... meeting... you guys...
Let's go, my love.
I... uh... mean... death to you all.



Meanwhile... on Level 10...

My lord! It seems there is a new band of adventurers making their way into our labyrinth.
Excellent...

Why don't your heroes have heroic names like "Binary", "Kingcomrade", "Volourn" etc?

miley's my favourite ;(

Chefe alt?

FrancoTAU said:

Chefe alt?

Click to expand...

Of course.

MAGEY MAGE! <3

Moar plz. thx.

Oh great, another rip-off.

So Mark Hoppus, Justin Timberlake, Miley Cyrus, Bob Marley, Freddie Mercury and Steven Tyler are going to twart the evil dungeon master's plans? Only out of sheer, yes "sheer", fascination, I will bookmark this and follow it all the way to the end.

Andyman Messiah said:

Oh great, another rip-off.

Click to expand...

Didn't you rip off the format to begin with?

Yes, but that's besides the point.

What point?

moar

Pr()ZaC said:

What point?

Click to expand...

Quiet, you!

MOAR!

Is this a lets play or a fanfic involving Justin Timberlake and Miley Cyrus?

The answer is:

Inziladun said:

fanfic involving Justin Timberlake and Miley Cyrus

Click to expand...

----
Anyway, I'm going to make a guess that Freddie and Bob won't make it through alive.

I predict that Justin Timberlake will sexually assault Mark Hoppus and that Miley Cyrus will expose her naked shoulders.

Chapter 2: First Descent into the Under Labyrinth



Here we stand, young stallions! We must venture forth and procure the amulet of Trober.
Trebor.
Trevor?
UHHHH HUH! OWWW!
I and I prepared to help out. Once we open that door, mon, we tied to da maze.
What are you talking about, good sir?
The maze is a spiritual place, full of dark spirits. They won't let you go 'till you find da amulet.
I don't like the sounds of that.
Oh! That's just an old rumor.
Lass, do you not know the rule of the realm of magic? All rumors are true.
Leader mon is right.
Let us commence!

Meanwhile... on Level 10...

Milord, the foolish treasure seekers have entered the maze! They are now tied to the power of the amulet!
Excellent...
Should I send out the troops to get them?
No, not yet. Let them venture further. Their skills need to progress before they become... useful to me.
Yes, milord.



Oh, gawd. I got dungeon slime on my new boots!
So this is the infamous dungeon of Werdna. We shall spelunk until he is found.
Ugh... are we in order? We need to get the amulet and get out of this icky place as soon as possible.
Yea, kitty cat, but it seems Justin lies outside the front line.
So what?
You can't cast spells cat, and your too far back for a physical attack.
The thief is freeloadin', mon.
Get off my case, scumbag.
Friends! Cease and desist in the inter war conflicts! We shall settle the matter. Sir Fredrick is right, we cannot have any person go to waste.
Waste? Why I oughta...
Therefore, in addition to disarming chests, the thievery member Justin will also be responsible for cartographing the ye olde labrynthine map.
WHAT?
That seems fair.
I gotta map this whole place?
Would you rather stand in the front row, mon? With your little leather armor?
Don't make me come over there!
Whatchu gonna do, mon? I and I take out your hit points quickly.
Silencio! It has been decided! Justinian will construct our mapography.
So unfair.


Hiss... humans...


Did you hear somethin', mon?
My spider senses... they're tinglin'...
Lo! Over there, in yonder distance! It is a creature of some sort!
I'M TAKIN' HIM OUT! CAN YOU SAY HALLLLIIIITTOOOOO!

GRAWWWWRRR!



It's the living! Kill them!
HAHAHAHA! RAWR! RAWR!

LIZARDMEN!
Skeletons!
And snakes, oh my!
Fear not, my faithful hogs. I will form the front line and dispense of these creatures momentarily.
Yea! Bring it on, you lousy bums!
ark attacks a Lizardman: For justice!
:Lizardman attacks Miley: RAWR! AWRR!
iley attacks Lizardman: You bastard!
:Bob casts Dios on Miley: Here's some health, mon.
:Freddie casts Badios on a Skeleton: How do you like them apples?
:Skeleton attacks Mark but misses: Cretin!
Haw! Haw!
:Lizardman attacks Bob: AWRRR!
:Justin parries: Go team!
:Steven casts Halito on Skeleton: BURN BABY!

Several minutes later...

We have vanquished our foes! Experience abound!
Even the hallways are dangerous.
There's a room down there. Let's go check it out.

Not so fast, my darlings!
It looks like we've got company, mon.
Yea... or something...
So you have managed your first battle alive, have you? I commend you. I did not think it possible for ones such as yourself.
What the hell are you implying?
We think you... uh... like suck... alot.
You ready to back up those words, tiger?
Ha ha! Pathetic. We would wipe the floor with you motley fools in a minute. There's no challenge to be had, only a massacre!
I'm a fighter... and I fight... stuff...
I THINK I'LL TAKE MY CHANCES! HOW ABOUT A HALITO TO THE FACE?
How cute.
How ostentatious!
Now, if you would kindly move out of our way. I would like to get into that room ahead.
Halt! Why are you so eager to entrance that room? Answer me, harlot!
Why, to retrieve the magical sword of course... oops! I said too much.
What...?
I and I think she's playing wit us, mon.
Nonsense! I see through her belated veil! We shall enter the room and retrive the fine blade first and at once!
Oh no, we can't have that. The blade is ours.
What... blade?
That sword is probably priceless! Quick, let's get to the door!

The party runs off, following Mark and Justin at the lead.

Idiots.
Hey... Court... they looked... uh... familiar... or something...

The intrepid explorers reach the room, and open the rusty metal door.



Who goes there?
Orcs.
Friends or foe?
I say foe. They are quite disgusting.
That depends. Are you good or bad?
I like to walk the middle line, you could say.
We good, mon. We needn't be fightin' these orcs.
So then, we shall go our seperate ways?
Mayhapse...
YOU GUYS TALK TOO MUCH! HALITO!
You will regret this, fools!
The orcs attack! Stand your ground, compadres!
iley attacks an Orc: That's what you get for being so ugly!
:Orc attacks Mark: I'll chisel your gravestone!
:Freddie casts Badios: Sssssmokin'.
:Steven casts Halito: HO HA HA HA HA!
:Justin parries:
:Orc attacks Bob: Give me your blood.

Several minutes later...

You... we offered... a truce.
And you failed!
No... please...
ark attacks an Orc. The Orc is killed!: Prosperity for the victors!
We shouldn't be doin' that, mon. No need to be fightin' what doesn't need fightin'.
I... the blood...
Mark!
Oh no!
LEVEL TWO, BITCH!
More... experience...
What's going on with you, man? You're freakin' me out!
I and I told you, mon. No good be fightin' friendlies. Now Mark is aligned wit da evil.



Holy crap!
We need to change his alignment.
Haw, haw! I am invincible! Onward! To glorious battle!



We good guys can't be partied with evil people.
I and I find more friendlies and do no battle.
But because of that, us cats have gone up in level.
The road of evil is a dangerous road, mon. It leads to nothin' good.

Meanwhile... on Level 10...

The leader of the pack has switched alignments, sir.
Excellent... all is going according to plan.
What shall I do, milord?
Keep them in the dungeon! If they leave, the evil will not allow Mark to rejoin his allies. We need them all together. Ah... ha.... ha... ha...
Ha, ha, ha!
Muahaha!
Hehe Ha ha ha!
MUAHAHAHAHA!
HEHEHEHAHAHAHAHA!
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
HEHEHEHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAKAKAKA!
That is quite enough laughing for now.

BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

This LP can still go either way.

As long as Freddie remains a cool cat will I follow this long play.

Chapter 3: Behind the Scenes

Well, if it isn't the old rogue Dick Dale himself.
Greetings, Bruce.
What have you been up to here in these parts?
The usual. Monster killing. Maiden deflowering. What about you?
I'm just about to explain to our audience what actually goes on behind the scenes in Let's play Wizardry.
Sounds like fun.
Well, not really, Dick. It's a very tedious process.
You're talkin' 'bout what happens after every battle, right?
Yes. After every battle thus far.
Eh... I'd say every two battles.
Possibly.
Depending on difficulty.
Of course.
Undoubtly.
After every battle or so, since our heroes are very low levels, they have minimal spell points.
No mana pool here.
Spell points are important for healing, which needs to be done constantly at this stage, and for the all-powerful Halito spell.
Gotta love them Halitos.
Spell points are exhausted quick. The priests and mage have only three at this stage. That means they can only cast three spells before the points run out.
That is what that means, Bruce.
Spell points are reset every time you leave the maze.
I think you can all see where we're going with this.
In order to level up early on, you fight a few battles, then exit and re-enter the maze.
Over, and over again.

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! Heeeeyy barkeep!

Pipe down.

And that's not the half of it. Levelling is worse.
You got that right, buddy. To level up you have to stay at the inn.
Which doesn't seem so bad at first sight.
Yes, in fact, it seems immersive and logical.
You grow when you sleep.
Your stats increase when you sleep, and there are a number of different quality rooms to choose from.
So, you stay in a better quality room, you gain better stats, right?
Wrong.
Dead wrong.
The amount of stats you gain is completely random.
And you can lose stats! That's the worst part.
Right, so this involves a long and drawn out process. A fighter could level up and lose strength. A mage could level up and lose intelligence.
I guess that second one simulates being hit on the head while you sleep.
So, for our intrepid explorers to get anywhere, some measures have to be taken.
Unfortunate measures, really.
To prevent our fighters from losing strength and gaining only one hitpoint on level up...
Which would be a total waste of time and doom the entire party.
Constantly restarting the game is necessary after each character sleeps and gains a level.
To make sure we get at least viable stats.
It sounds as bad as it really is.

So, that part will be omitted completely from the story.
The reasons should be painfully obvious.
But, as my esteemed collegue feels, it was necessary to explain this.
Correct. After all, this is a let's play thread.
Not a fanfic.
Definitely not a fanfic.
Even though Miley and Justin might hook up.
It still wouldn't be a fan fic.

Sounds like a fan fic!

Pipe down.

Well, that was fun, but I best be going.
Until next time, Dick.

I told you Wizardry 1 sucked, Chefe. There really isn't any redeeming value except if you have nostalgia. Plus, there isn't even enough in game events to fill a LP. Bashing all the bad design decisions is fun though.

Chapter 4: The Scruffy Men



Blood! Darkness! Come unto me!
I can't take this anymore.
You can't take my manliness anymore, baby!
Greed! Vile filth! Torture chambers!
All right! Torture chambers! Finally some S and M!
Muahahahaha!
My feet hurt really bad.
Pretty soon, another part of your body will be hurting really bad... eh... throbbing!
What ever do you mean?
Enough of the innuendo, mon!

Heyyy... where are we?
Evil! Pure evil!
It feels like we've been going around in circles for hours. Aren't we on level 2 yet?
Yea, Justin mon, how da map be comin'?
It's... uh... fine. Right here, look. This is where we are.
Looks like a box.
I'd like to take you in a box.
What the hell does that even mean?
It means we go left!

The party continues down the dark hallway. It's full of muck and grime and whatever else these fantasy dungeons are infested with.

I don't think we've been in that door yet.

And indeed, they hadn't.

You have come to the wrong place!
Scruffy men!



I will feast on your gravestone! Haw haw!
To arms, men! We have a battle to be won. Die, peasants!
You wouldn't hit a girl, now would you?
Yes, probably. My social etiquette is quite lacking from all the time we spend down here in the dungeons.
Enough talk! Let's bash'em heads!
Have you ever even felt a woman's touch?
Hello!
I... I have not... but I have gained lots of experience and loot!
To a female, that is meaningless. Would you dungeon boys like to feel a woman's touch?
Hot dawg!
I... we... we would! Please, kind lady, touch us.
You're not really going to pleasure these freaks, eh?
Justin, I will touch them.
:leans in close: I'm ready.
Touch them with my flail! Hiiiiii ya!
You lying wench!
Let's show these cats the meaning of pain.
AND SHOUT OFF SOME MORE ONE LINERS! YEAAAAAA!
I concur!

Several minutes later



Heeeyyy... it looks like those cats were guarding something.
Justin, can you open it, mon?
Yea, yea, sure, sure. Let me see. I'll inspect it first... hmm... exploding box.
Enough blabber chatter! To legs!
Now.... to disarm it.
...
...
...
,,,

*click*

Ah, there we go. Now, let's see what we have inside.
It looks like... a pile of gold and a robe.
Quick! Rap scallions! Identify yonder robe! It could contain magic. Evil magic!
I cannot identify, mon. Not high enough level.
Well, this has been an intellectually stimulating edition, but we need to get moving.

And so, they did.

This is my favorite LP so far, Chief. Keep it up.

I bet Orbison is the henchman.

Maxxx Orbison?

Awsome LP. I am humbled. Keep it up... mon.