For a change

[Apostle Hand]

If you were computer controlling character in rpg, enemy that player must defeat, how tough would you be? Would you be formidable or weakling?

We always know a lot about our own characters but little about our enemies in rpgs.

Sometimes it would be fun if we were actual enemies in rpgs that players must defeat.

 

[Tavernking]

I would be an eight-legged dog. First I would pretend to be a quest giver and send the player on really boring quests with the promise of a 10,000 gold reward. I would also tell the player all kinds of useless awkward information like where babies come from. Then eventually I reveal that I am the final boss of the game.

I am invulnerable to attacks except when I bark one of two sound files. The first possible file would be "It's been a long ruff day! Woof woof!", during this sentence the player can attack me and I take damage.

The second possible file is EXTREMELY LOUD SOUNDS FROM A PORN VIDEO. Preferably one where the woman is screaming GOD YES really loud, and the clapping noise of two bodies slapping against each other when going balls-deep. During this sentence, if the player attacks me he dies instantly. These two sound files are EXTREMELY QUIET compared to the regular sounds of the game. So the player is forced to play with full volume. Essentially my goal is to get the parents of the player to take the game away from him because we all know the little bastard will savescum me to death anyway

 

[JarlFrank]

I would be some depraved demon lord who throws hordes of succubi at the player characters who try to overwhelm them by putting their feet (made extra smelly by wearing leather boots without socks) into the player characters' faces, and the only way to repel them is to lick their feet clean until all the sweat has been removed.

After the foot fetish succubi have been defeated, I will send a squad of elite nazi soldiers with MP40s at the player characters, with enchanted mithril bullets that go through any armor.

If the players survive that, they will have to face me personally.

The encounter with me personally is something they will never survive, as they will die of boredom 2 hours into my in-depth discussion of Morrowind's worldbuilding and Arcanum's character system and why they're the best RPGs ever made.

 

[Incendax]

I would be an Air Elemental that dodges every attack the first time you fight me.
When you load your game, I die on the first hit and leave a note that says:
“Only winning the first time gives you my treasure.”

 

[Reinhardt]

Balanced.

 

[Zarniwoop]

I would be that first rainbow bear demon thing in Mask of the Betrayer. Or the Doctor in D:OS2. NNNNNNG I hate that thing.

Or, since this is Clown World and System Shock 2 is now an RPG apparently for some goddamn reason, I'd be the Many. Just a bigass blob with bigass teeth, full of ammo buckets, floating trough space. Seems like a good way to spend my retirement.

 

[Divine Blessing]

We always know a lot about our own characters but little about our enemies in low-fi rpgs.

fixed that for u.

maybe roll PfKm, antagonists r staged en detail, as well a vast (since 1.3 finally alphabetical sorted) compendium. or Moronwind, all these books about Vivec and Mephala, D:OS2 for the Disney vibe...

 

[Darth Canoli]

In a turn-based game where there is no trash mobs and every encounter must be taken seriously, i'd be a temporal guardian, with my mages acolytes and elemental slaves, when the player reload to avoid/replay a fight, i'd teleport and ambush them arguing :" By order of the King, time travelers must pay a fine or get get thrown in goal !"

So, either they pay an expensive fine (which is only getting more expensive as time goes) or they're in for a tough fight, last option being a gaol diungeon with possibly some interesting side quests.

Or i'd hire the party (or give them quests) and get them to trust me, offer them a companion and finally lay a trap where they're surrounded by my guards and the traitor back-stab one of them before the fight begins ...

 

[Circuit the Short]

The kind of endgame boss that looks very powerful end evul, but in reality is a deeply troubled man that can be talked into suicide by any protagonist with a CHA 8 or higher.

 

[Mark Richard]

I'd be that really irritating enemy that grinds your progress to a halt, like the gremlins from Akalabeth: World of Doom, or the frogs from Final Fantasy VII. Basically my goal is to ruin your experience, which is also what everyone else will be collectively trying to do in this scenario.

Alternatively, a puddle of jelly. Nine times out of ten I'd be easily dispatched by a blunt weapon, but it'll be worth it to run into that one player who doesn't know any better and uses an edged weapon. Thwack, now there's two of me. Thwack, three times a lady. Thwack, four is the score. Thwack, five makes one more.

 

[fantadomat]

Nigga i will be the rogue mage emperor that will unite the land and restore the old glory! More than one place will be called "the red X" after the carnage i will inflict upon the enemies of my land and gods! I will have a sex slave dungeon filled with game's heroes!

 

[Dyskolos]

Whenever the player initiated conversation I would pause the game and ask them to fill out a multi-question gender identity and preferred pronoun survey so I could use their preferred settings. Then each time in conversation I used any gendering language or simply finished a line of dialogue I would pause and have them refill the survey for confirmation, in case there had been changes in the interim seconds.

If/when the player kills me out of frustration a fellow npc would run into the room and shout to me 'what is xxx doing' - opening the survey window again. Assaulting this npc would bring in another who shouts the same line - beginning an endless loop.

 

[Master]

I would probablly be Gomez from Gothic, having the king deliver me women to my castle.