Review Mass Effect Reviewed

[Jason]

Tags: BioWare; Mass Effect

Local forumgoer/Clash afficianado Andyman Messiah took a trip or five through BioWare's Mass Effect and then decided to inflict his experience on the rest of us.

Read on...

 

[Volourn]

No. Just no.

 

[burrie]

Wow. So... edgy.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

No. Just no.

Just say yes, Volo of Urn.

Wow. So... edgy.

That's community service for you.

 

[yes plz]

I touched myself whilst reading it.

 

[Nightjed]

a good review, the worst part of the game for me was that when i asked the bad guy's nemesis and the bad guy's assistant the "wtf does he wasnt to destroy the universe for ?" question they replied with "your puny brain couldnt possibly process it", well fuck you too, and when i actually spoke to the "bad guy" i wasnt even given the option to ask, just a few taunts (im pretty sure i remember correctly), but of course because of that godawful dialogue system (that can only be explained as a way to shorten dialogue options for console controls without shortening the actual lines) you wouldnt know if any option led you to ask what you wanted

several times my guy came out much more of a dickhead than i was expecting after selecting an option, other times he came out much more of a pussy than i expected ...

and the second worst was the realization (during the first 30 minutes) that the story is a freaking copy of kotor1's story, down to the letter, they just changed costumes and names.

 

[asper]

Quite amusing review

ps. typo spotted:

Whereas the other party members only talks

 

[Darth Roxor]

ps. typo spotted:

Whereas the other party members only talks

There a lot of such typoes inside, actually. I think I counted about 5.

I start thinking that the 'routine spellcheck' is actually just a legend meant to delay articles >

 

[Andyman Messiah]

ps. typo spotted:

Whereas the other party members only talks

There a lot of such typoes inside, actually. I think I counted about 5.

I start thinking that the 'routine spellcheck' is actually just a legend meant to delay articles >

English isn't my first language.

I'm actually a horse.

 

[Shannow]

Weren't you a louce in your former life?

There is a song about the louce vs. horse paradoxon from Die Ärzte (mostly in German though...)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amK42MWYwFk

 

[Andyman Messiah]

My excuse is that I'm a lazy motherfucker who relies on the automatic spellcheck. Also I'm a louce in a horse costume. Think of me as Cait Sith, except I'm a louce... in a horse costume. Yeah.

Btw, that youtube thing was awesome. I rated it 5.

 

[Helton]

Andy I think you should take over development of American Mare.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Andy I think you should take over development of American Mare.

I really don't have that much time to waste.

 

[Serious_Business]

No. Just no.

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH BABY

 

[Jason]

There a lot of such typoes inside, actually. I think I counted about 5.

I start thinking that the 'routine spellcheck' is actually just a legend meant to delay articles >

That's actually my fault. I should've caught those before posting it. The right to give me thirty lashes goes to the highest bidder.

 

[Granveldt]

T-fucking-he re-fucking-view su-fucking-cked co-fucking-cks!

Also, shit.

 

[Thrasher]

Reminds me why mass effect is not on my wish list. Thx.

 

[Korgan]

He's gonna take you back to the past
To play the shitty games that suck ass
He'd rather have a buffallo
Take a diarrhea dump in his ear
He'd rather eat the rotten asshole
Of a road killed skunk and down it with beer
He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard
He's the Angry Bioware Nerd
He's the Angry Obsidian Nerd
He's the Angry RPG Nerd

When you turn on the TV
Make sure it's tuned to channel three
He's got a nerdy shirt and a pocket pouch
Although I've never seen him write anything down
He's got a powerglove and a dirty mouth
Armed with his zapper he will tear these games down
He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard
He's the Angry Bioware Nerd
He's the Angry Obsidian Nerd
He's the Angry RPG Nerd

He plays the worst games of all time
They're horrible abominations of mankind
They make him so mad he can spit
Or say cowabunga, Cowa-fuckin'-piece'a dog shit

They rip you off and don't care one bit
But this nerd, he doesn't forget it
Why can't a dragon fly? Why must I kill rats?
They got a quick buck for this shitload of fuck
The characters names are wrong. Why's the grindan so long?
Why doesn't the diplomacy do anything?
He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard
These games suck so bad, he makes up his own words
He's the angriest most pissed off gaming nerd
He's the Angry...
Bestheda
Bioware
Black Isle
CD Projekt
Obsidian
Pirahna Bytes
SSI
Troika Nerd
He's The Angry RPG Nerd!11

 

[Smarts]

No mention of the weapon/armour upgrade system... how would you deal with that if the if the various weapons stacked? Just get rid of it completely? If you're gonna say, 'well, just don't stack the modified stuff', when you've got a lot of stuff upgraded and modified, the lack of a stacking system almost becomes moot.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

No mention of the weapon/armour upgrade system... how would you deal with that if the if the various weapons stacked? Just get rid of it completely? If you're gonna say, 'well, just don't stack the modified stuff', when you've got a lot of stuff upgraded and modified, the lack of a stacking system almost becomes moot.

Inventory management, Mass Effect style:

• Phase 1: You pick up a lot of weapons (shit).
  Phase 2: You pick up a lot of upgrades (shit).
  Phase 3: You pick up a lot of armor (shit).
  Phase 4: You see if there's anything worthwhile in the pile of shit.
  Phase 5: If there is a good piece of equipment in the pile of shit, you equip it.
  Phase 6a: If there is a good piece of upgrade in the pile of shit, you equip it.
  Phase 6b: If there is a good piece of equipment but no good piece of upgrade, you take the upgrades you have on your existing equipment and put it on the better equipment you picked up.
  Phase 6c: If there is a good piece of upgrade but no good piece of equipment, you toss the upgrades you have on your existing equipment and put the better upgrades on the better equipment.
  Phase 7: Once you have gone through the pile of shit, click "drop" or "turn into omnigel" or "sell".
  Repeat Phase 7 until all pieces of shit have been dropped since you can't drop, omnigel or sell multiple items.

Loot doesn't come modified.

 

[doctor_kaz]

All of those complaints and the reviewer didn't even get into how shitty the combat is -- especially the AI. I lost track of the number of times that one of my retarded companions shot directly into a wall or a box three inches in front of them because they apparently couldn't figure out that the bullets wouldn't go through it and hit the enemy behind it. Between crappy inventory systems and crappy combat Bioware can't design a fundamentally solid video game nowadays.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

All of those complaints and the reviewer didn't even get into how shitty the combat is -- especially the AI. I lost track of the number of times that one of my retarded companions shot directly into a wall or a box three inches in front of them because they apparently couldn't figure out that the bullets wouldn't go through it and hit the enemy behind it. Between crappy inventory systems and crappy combat Bioware can't design a fundamentally solid video game nowadays.

I forgot about it. I do mention that

Unless you play on easy, you're going to need a doctor that can keep himself and the other party member alive. Heh, better make that two doctors. You generally don't have to worry about yourself since, hopefully, you're not playing on idiot level like they are.

but I definitely should have gone more in-depth.

 

[doctor_kaz]

Yeah I think it's worth talking about quite a bit since combat is still about 1/3 of the game or so. I'm pretty sure that I haven't played a game with worse AI for at least five years.

 

[Pliskin]

On the subject of the brevity of the Main Quest:

All I can think is, that it was a deliberate design choice. How else could they justify all the "you must play through the entire fucking game and then restart to unlock weapon-function x, or character class z".

Fuck that! I couldn't even be arsed to finish the damn thing, let alone play it 10 different times just so I can use the zoom function on the sniper rifle!

I can't decide whether it was arrogance ("yah, people will lurv this game sooo much, they'll want to keep on playin'"), or connivance ("yah, the Main Quest is waaay too short --- what are we gonna do about it? I know! Force 'em to replay whether they want to or not!").

 

[Burning Bridges]

If they truly wanted to make something innovative with the dialog, they should have made all characters communicate in sign language.

This dialog is fully compatible with red green blue buttons of a gamepad, so that illiterate persons can play it. If thats not innovative, what is?