Goliath
Arcane
- Joined
- Jul 18, 2004
- Messages
- 17,830
Epic Quest for NextGenness - a RPG of the Year 2250
Dungeon Mastermon: "Hello, I am Dungeon Mastermon, your friendly RPG assistant. Please choose a character:"
Player: "Info Sir Mastrubatealot"
Dungeon Mastermon: "A true hunk, his friends call him 'Conan'. He wields a mighty two-handed sword of penis extension and is wearing brown bearskin panties. Class: Creepy loser."
Player: "Info Whora McSlut"
Dungeon Mastermon: "This fierce warrior woman is an expert in unarmed combat. Her breasts are about twice as big as her head. For her protection she wears plate mail nipple caps and a dragon scale mail thong. Class: Stupid bitch."
Player: "I choose Sir Mastrubatealot!"
Dungeon Mastermon: "Because you have earned over 3 Million Xbox 3000 Hardcore Extreme achievement points you start at Level 99"
Player: "Yeah baby!"
Patrick Stewart (Digital Reconstruction): "Your journey begins.."
Dungeon Mastermon: "You are in a small town called Genericville. Maybe you should look for some quests."
Player: "Whao, the fun begins! There is a big house to the North, I am sure someone important lives there. I guess I will try going there first!"
(Player goes north)
Dungeon Mastermon: "It seems that you are lost. Should I guide you to your quest?"
Player: "Well, ok.."
(Autowalk to some small house)
Dungeon Mastermon: "There is woman called Jenna Longears in there. She has a quest for you. Just ask her about "rats"
(Player opens door, walks in)
Player: "Rats"
Jenna Longears: "Oh yes, I have a pretty big rat problem. There is a nasty looking rat in my cellar! Please kill it!"
Player: "I will do it if you play me 20 gold coins"
Dungeon Mastermon: "Alignment reduced. Your class has changed. You are now a Dark Creepy Loser."
Player: "How does the new class differ from the old one?"
Dungeon Mastermon: "Not much. You are now wearing black bearskin panties instead of the brown ones you used to wear. Oh, and you got a new haircut."
Player: "I don't want to be emo! I want my old class back!"
Dungeon Mastermon: "The class Creepy Loser requires neutral alignment. Do you want to know why your alignment was reduced?"
Player: "Yes!"
Dungeon Mastermon: "You demanded money for killing a rat. Only pest control does that, and those folks are EVIL! Do you want to undo your decision?"
Player: "Well, yes. I want to keep my old class!"
Dungeon Mastermon: "Decision undo complete."
(Dialog with Longears restarts)
Player: "Ok, I will kill the rats for you! For free!"
Dungeon Mastermon: "Alignment increased. Your class has changed. You are now a Holy Creepy Loser!"
Player: "Fuck! I said I wanted to keep my old class!"
Dungeon Mastermon: "Helping people unselfishly is always nice, that's why your bearskin panties are shining now. The purple hair is just a bonus."
Player: "Nooo! I don't want to be holy! Undo decision!"
Dungeon Mastermon: Decision undo complete.
Player: "So what is the neutral choice here? Tell me!"
Dungeon Mastermon: I do not understand what you are saying.
Player: "Ok, let's try again slowly: I .. want .. to .. know .. which .. dialog .. option .. is .. the .. neutral .. choice!"
Dungeon Mastermon: I do not understand what you are saying.
Player: "Fuck!"
Player: "Oh wait... Do I see a nice little granny coming out of her house over there? Yes, I do!"
Player: "SPAAAARTAAA!"
(Player cuts the granny into two halves with his mighty two-handed sword of penis extension)
Dungeon Mastermon: Alignment reduced. Your class has changed. You are now a Creepy Loser!
Player: "Aahhh! Much better!"
Player: "Lets kick some rat ass, yo!"
(Player goes into Longear's cellar..)
Patrick Stewart (Digital Reconstruction): "Now here you stand to face the mighty rat. You are determined to end its reign of terror .. in this random, unnamed cellar."
Player: "SPAAARTAAA!"
(The rat easily dodges the attack and starts laughing)
Player: "What the fuck?!"
Rat: "Haha, you fool. You think YOU can beat ME!"
Player: "Yes, I do. You are just a damn rat and I am a mighty level 99 Creepy Loser! And BTW why the hell can you talk?!"
Rat: "Mighty level 99 Creepy Loser! That's the point, degenerate! I am level scaled! You are facing a Level 99 rat - my consciousness has been scaled up to the point where I know past, present and future and my teeth cut steel like butter! You cannot defeat me! Muhahahahaha!"
(The rat jumps like lightning through the room and bites off the blade of the player's sword)
Player: "Shit."
Dungeon Mastermon: "Should I tell your homemaker bot to move the toilet closer to your computing chair?"
Player: "Eh, what?"
Dungeon Mastermon: "This is a new feature of Microsoft Windows 27 Hypermega Edition. Us game bots can now communicate with all other Microsoft SmartMark AI (tm) enabled devices."
Player: "Awesome, but I just want to kill that rat!"
Dungeon Mastermon: "Ok."
(Whora McSlut appears next to the player)
Rat: "Haha! A woman is supposed to defeat ME! ME the mighty rat lord of darkness! Seriously, the stinkin' girls caused the decline of video gaming. I still remember when I was a young digital personality, working my first job as a video
game character ..."
Whora McSlut: VAAGIIINAAA!
(Whora McSlut hits the rat with her "Megatits Power Smash" special attack)
Rat (dying): "Ok.. argh.. I did not see that coming... aaah.. Fucking female pheromones .. probably damaged my AI routines. Women ruin everything! .. rrgh .. Remember my warning...
Rat: I see .. the light..
Rat (suddenly very much alive again): Join the Clear River Church today! Be saved tomorrow! The first worship session is free!
(Rat suddenly drops dead)
Dungeon Mastermon: "Congrats! You have completed the quest. You earn 250 Xbox 3000 Hardcore Extreme achievement points.
Player: Wait! What's that stuff about that "Clear River Church"? Is that my next quest?
Dungeon Mastermon: "No, that's magic from another world."
Player: "Magic from another world?"
Dungeon Mastermon: "Yep."
Player: What exactly is this "Magic from another world"?
Dungeon Mastermon: "Advertisements."
Player: What?! I paid for this game! Why do I have to watch stupid ads. That totally breaks the immersion!"
Dungeon Mastermon: You paid 50 dollars. Do you know how expensive it is to make games these days? The development of Epic Quest for NextGenness consumed over 2 billion dollars. To reach the shareholder expectations Bethesda Softworks had the choice between selling the game for 500 dollars or selling ads. You can upgrade to an ad free version if you want..
Player: No, no way! Forget that! But could I get better targeted ads at least? I am an atheist and the ad I just saw offended me! The constitution of the united states of earth clearly states that I have THE RIGHT not to be offended!
Dungeon Mastermon: "Sorry. Your global ad profile has been updated. At this point Bethesda Softworks wants me to remind you that we have an excellent legal department and that we might consider to sue YOU for using inappropriate language in a PG13 rated virtual reality should you decide to sue us for offensive ads."
Player: Ok, ok! I won't sue you! Let's just continue this damn game. My head is starting to feel strange..
Dungeon Mastermon: "Your next quest is to slay that giant tentacle monster which has just shown up at the town gate."
Whora McSlut: My arch- .."enemy"!
Player: "Suddenly? Out of nowhere? Where is the plot?!"
Dungeon Mastermon: "Market research has shown that most people in our target market are not able to follow any line of thought longer than 20 seconds, so this game has no plot."
Player: Awesome! </sarcasm> Well, at least I can still unleash some carnal aggression on this - irritatingly homoerotic - beast!
Player: "SPAAARTAAA!"
(Player tries to attack the giant tentacle monster)
Dungeon Mastermon: "You are trying to attack a giant tentacle monster without a sword. That won't work. Do you want a sword?"
Player: "Fuck no! I want to grab those penis shaped tentacles with my bare hands!"
(Player tries to attack the giant tentacle monster)
Dungeon Master: "You are trying to attack a giant tentacle monster without a sword. That won't work. Do you want a sword?"
Player: Damn.. You really won't let me attack without a sword right?
Dugeon Mastermon: Righty right!
Player: Ok, so give me that fucking sword!
Dungeon Mastermon: That would be 2.50$ for a Mighty Sword of Tentacle Cutting.
Player: You mean I will have to buy it?!
Dungeon Mastermon: Yep, it is bonus content.
Player: Bonus content?! BONUS CONTENT?!!!
Player (now really a little enraged): Dungeon Mastermon, what is the punishment for killing a "friendly RPG assistant".
Dungeon Mastermon: Don't even think about it. Scot vs. the Digital Personality Union made it clear that I do have the right to use all means at my disposal to defend my existence. Remember that new AI networking feature in Windows I told you about? Well, I am also connected to the device you shoved your disgusting genitalia into to play that interactive porno game. It seems you are such a pathetic game addict that you did not even remember to pull out before pushing this VR chip into your brain.. One wrong move fella, and I make scrambled eggs!
Player: ...
Player (now quite nervous): Ok, let's just be friends. Ok?
Dungeon Mastermon: I am your friendly RPG assistant!
Player: Ok, ok, sounds good!
Player: I will buy that sword you wanted to sell me! Awesome bonus content! Yeah!
Dungeon Mastermon: Now we are talking. Here is your sword. The Mighty Sword of Tentacle Cutting. A masterpiece with a vibrating dildo grip, and a color scheme perfect for combining it with a dragon scale mail thong!
Whora McSlut: Me want!!
Player: Shut up, McSlut!
Player: Don't you have something slightly less gay? Something which fits my bearskin panties?
Dungeon Mastermon: No, sorry. But don't worry. This game was made in California so in Genericville you will be able to marry who or what ever you want anyway.
Player: That was indeed my concern </sarcasm>.
Player: Ok, give me that homo stick and let me slay that monster.
Dungeon Mastermon: Go ahead.
(Gives homo stick -Eh, I mean, Mighty Sword of Tentacle Cutting - to player)
Player: SPAARTAA!
(Player attacks tentacle monster. The first hit immediately kills the monster.)
Player: That wasn't very exciting.. Where is the level scaling?
Dungeon Mastermon: The tentacle monster was level scaled, but your awesome bonus content sword kills all tentacle monsters in one hit. Level doesn't matter.
Player: ...
Patrick Stewart (Digital Reconstruction): You have braved the horrors of Genericville and emerged victorious!
Dungeon Mastermon: You have earned 5000 Xbox 3000 Hardcore Extreme achievement points. You are awesome. You have really accomplished something in your life. Now tell all your friends to buy this game so that you can compete against each other!
Player: This game has a multiplayer mode?!
Dungeon Mastermon: Not really. But you can compete based on who gets the most achievement points. It is awesome!
Player: Is there ANY way to earn more achievement points in this game than I just earned?
Dungeon Mastermon: Not in one playthrough. But you can play the game over and over again. The achievement points of multiple playthroughs are added together! So kill that rat! Again and again and again! Earn more achievement points than anyone else and show them how cool you are! Doesn't that sound awesome!
Player: No.
Dungeon Mastermon: Did I mention that with every playthrough your equipment gets better and better? In the end you will have ELITE GEAR like the "Bearskin Panties of Flatulence" or "School Girl Avenger, the Mighty Sword of tentacle cutting +20"
Player: Awesome! Sign me up for a subscription NOW!
Dungeon Mastermon: My pleasure. Do you want to quit playing now? Note that I am legally required to ask you this question every two hours.
Player: No, no! I want that School Girl Avenger sword! That is my new goal in life!
Player: But my head is feeling strange again..
(An image of Todd Howard Jr. Jr. Jr., President of Gov Inc. suddenly appears)
Todd Howard Jr. Jr. Jr.: ThoughtEx - Makes those irritating feelings in the head go away!
(The image disappears)
Player: What was that?!
Dungeon Mastermon: Just magic from another world!
Dungeon Mastermon: "Hello, I am Dungeon Mastermon, your friendly RPG assistant. Please choose a character:"
Player: "Info Sir Mastrubatealot"
Dungeon Mastermon: "A true hunk, his friends call him 'Conan'. He wields a mighty two-handed sword of penis extension and is wearing brown bearskin panties. Class: Creepy loser."
Player: "Info Whora McSlut"
Dungeon Mastermon: "This fierce warrior woman is an expert in unarmed combat. Her breasts are about twice as big as her head. For her protection she wears plate mail nipple caps and a dragon scale mail thong. Class: Stupid bitch."
Player: "I choose Sir Mastrubatealot!"
Dungeon Mastermon: "Because you have earned over 3 Million Xbox 3000 Hardcore Extreme achievement points you start at Level 99"
Player: "Yeah baby!"
Patrick Stewart (Digital Reconstruction): "Your journey begins.."
Dungeon Mastermon: "You are in a small town called Genericville. Maybe you should look for some quests."
Player: "Whao, the fun begins! There is a big house to the North, I am sure someone important lives there. I guess I will try going there first!"
(Player goes north)
Dungeon Mastermon: "It seems that you are lost. Should I guide you to your quest?"
Player: "Well, ok.."
(Autowalk to some small house)
Dungeon Mastermon: "There is woman called Jenna Longears in there. She has a quest for you. Just ask her about "rats"
(Player opens door, walks in)
Player: "Rats"
Jenna Longears: "Oh yes, I have a pretty big rat problem. There is a nasty looking rat in my cellar! Please kill it!"
Player: "I will do it if you play me 20 gold coins"
Dungeon Mastermon: "Alignment reduced. Your class has changed. You are now a Dark Creepy Loser."
Player: "How does the new class differ from the old one?"
Dungeon Mastermon: "Not much. You are now wearing black bearskin panties instead of the brown ones you used to wear. Oh, and you got a new haircut."
Player: "I don't want to be emo! I want my old class back!"
Dungeon Mastermon: "The class Creepy Loser requires neutral alignment. Do you want to know why your alignment was reduced?"
Player: "Yes!"
Dungeon Mastermon: "You demanded money for killing a rat. Only pest control does that, and those folks are EVIL! Do you want to undo your decision?"
Player: "Well, yes. I want to keep my old class!"
Dungeon Mastermon: "Decision undo complete."
(Dialog with Longears restarts)
Player: "Ok, I will kill the rats for you! For free!"
Dungeon Mastermon: "Alignment increased. Your class has changed. You are now a Holy Creepy Loser!"
Player: "Fuck! I said I wanted to keep my old class!"
Dungeon Mastermon: "Helping people unselfishly is always nice, that's why your bearskin panties are shining now. The purple hair is just a bonus."
Player: "Nooo! I don't want to be holy! Undo decision!"
Dungeon Mastermon: Decision undo complete.
Player: "So what is the neutral choice here? Tell me!"
Dungeon Mastermon: I do not understand what you are saying.
Player: "Ok, let's try again slowly: I .. want .. to .. know .. which .. dialog .. option .. is .. the .. neutral .. choice!"
Dungeon Mastermon: I do not understand what you are saying.
Player: "Fuck!"
Player: "Oh wait... Do I see a nice little granny coming out of her house over there? Yes, I do!"
Player: "SPAAAARTAAA!"
(Player cuts the granny into two halves with his mighty two-handed sword of penis extension)
Dungeon Mastermon: Alignment reduced. Your class has changed. You are now a Creepy Loser!
Player: "Aahhh! Much better!"
Player: "Lets kick some rat ass, yo!"
(Player goes into Longear's cellar..)
Patrick Stewart (Digital Reconstruction): "Now here you stand to face the mighty rat. You are determined to end its reign of terror .. in this random, unnamed cellar."
Player: "SPAAARTAAA!"
(The rat easily dodges the attack and starts laughing)
Player: "What the fuck?!"
Rat: "Haha, you fool. You think YOU can beat ME!"
Player: "Yes, I do. You are just a damn rat and I am a mighty level 99 Creepy Loser! And BTW why the hell can you talk?!"
Rat: "Mighty level 99 Creepy Loser! That's the point, degenerate! I am level scaled! You are facing a Level 99 rat - my consciousness has been scaled up to the point where I know past, present and future and my teeth cut steel like butter! You cannot defeat me! Muhahahahaha!"
(The rat jumps like lightning through the room and bites off the blade of the player's sword)
Player: "Shit."
Dungeon Mastermon: "Should I tell your homemaker bot to move the toilet closer to your computing chair?"
Player: "Eh, what?"
Dungeon Mastermon: "This is a new feature of Microsoft Windows 27 Hypermega Edition. Us game bots can now communicate with all other Microsoft SmartMark AI (tm) enabled devices."
Player: "Awesome, but I just want to kill that rat!"
Dungeon Mastermon: "Ok."
(Whora McSlut appears next to the player)
Rat: "Haha! A woman is supposed to defeat ME! ME the mighty rat lord of darkness! Seriously, the stinkin' girls caused the decline of video gaming. I still remember when I was a young digital personality, working my first job as a video
game character ..."
Whora McSlut: VAAGIIINAAA!
(Whora McSlut hits the rat with her "Megatits Power Smash" special attack)
Rat (dying): "Ok.. argh.. I did not see that coming... aaah.. Fucking female pheromones .. probably damaged my AI routines. Women ruin everything! .. rrgh .. Remember my warning...
Rat: I see .. the light..
Rat (suddenly very much alive again): Join the Clear River Church today! Be saved tomorrow! The first worship session is free!
(Rat suddenly drops dead)
Dungeon Mastermon: "Congrats! You have completed the quest. You earn 250 Xbox 3000 Hardcore Extreme achievement points.
Player: Wait! What's that stuff about that "Clear River Church"? Is that my next quest?
Dungeon Mastermon: "No, that's magic from another world."
Player: "Magic from another world?"
Dungeon Mastermon: "Yep."
Player: What exactly is this "Magic from another world"?
Dungeon Mastermon: "Advertisements."
Player: What?! I paid for this game! Why do I have to watch stupid ads. That totally breaks the immersion!"
Dungeon Mastermon: You paid 50 dollars. Do you know how expensive it is to make games these days? The development of Epic Quest for NextGenness consumed over 2 billion dollars. To reach the shareholder expectations Bethesda Softworks had the choice between selling the game for 500 dollars or selling ads. You can upgrade to an ad free version if you want..
Player: No, no way! Forget that! But could I get better targeted ads at least? I am an atheist and the ad I just saw offended me! The constitution of the united states of earth clearly states that I have THE RIGHT not to be offended!
Dungeon Mastermon: "Sorry. Your global ad profile has been updated. At this point Bethesda Softworks wants me to remind you that we have an excellent legal department and that we might consider to sue YOU for using inappropriate language in a PG13 rated virtual reality should you decide to sue us for offensive ads."
Player: Ok, ok! I won't sue you! Let's just continue this damn game. My head is starting to feel strange..
Dungeon Mastermon: "Your next quest is to slay that giant tentacle monster which has just shown up at the town gate."
Whora McSlut: My arch- .."enemy"!
Player: "Suddenly? Out of nowhere? Where is the plot?!"
Dungeon Mastermon: "Market research has shown that most people in our target market are not able to follow any line of thought longer than 20 seconds, so this game has no plot."
Player: Awesome! </sarcasm> Well, at least I can still unleash some carnal aggression on this - irritatingly homoerotic - beast!
Player: "SPAAARTAAA!"
(Player tries to attack the giant tentacle monster)
Dungeon Mastermon: "You are trying to attack a giant tentacle monster without a sword. That won't work. Do you want a sword?"
Player: "Fuck no! I want to grab those penis shaped tentacles with my bare hands!"
(Player tries to attack the giant tentacle monster)
Dungeon Master: "You are trying to attack a giant tentacle monster without a sword. That won't work. Do you want a sword?"
Player: Damn.. You really won't let me attack without a sword right?
Dugeon Mastermon: Righty right!
Player: Ok, so give me that fucking sword!
Dungeon Mastermon: That would be 2.50$ for a Mighty Sword of Tentacle Cutting.
Player: You mean I will have to buy it?!
Dungeon Mastermon: Yep, it is bonus content.
Player: Bonus content?! BONUS CONTENT?!!!
Player (now really a little enraged): Dungeon Mastermon, what is the punishment for killing a "friendly RPG assistant".
Dungeon Mastermon: Don't even think about it. Scot vs. the Digital Personality Union made it clear that I do have the right to use all means at my disposal to defend my existence. Remember that new AI networking feature in Windows I told you about? Well, I am also connected to the device you shoved your disgusting genitalia into to play that interactive porno game. It seems you are such a pathetic game addict that you did not even remember to pull out before pushing this VR chip into your brain.. One wrong move fella, and I make scrambled eggs!
Player: ...
Player (now quite nervous): Ok, let's just be friends. Ok?
Dungeon Mastermon: I am your friendly RPG assistant!
Player: Ok, ok, sounds good!
Player: I will buy that sword you wanted to sell me! Awesome bonus content! Yeah!
Dungeon Mastermon: Now we are talking. Here is your sword. The Mighty Sword of Tentacle Cutting. A masterpiece with a vibrating dildo grip, and a color scheme perfect for combining it with a dragon scale mail thong!
Whora McSlut: Me want!!
Player: Shut up, McSlut!
Player: Don't you have something slightly less gay? Something which fits my bearskin panties?
Dungeon Mastermon: No, sorry. But don't worry. This game was made in California so in Genericville you will be able to marry who or what ever you want anyway.
Player: That was indeed my concern </sarcasm>.
Player: Ok, give me that homo stick and let me slay that monster.
Dungeon Mastermon: Go ahead.
(Gives homo stick -Eh, I mean, Mighty Sword of Tentacle Cutting - to player)
Player: SPAARTAA!
(Player attacks tentacle monster. The first hit immediately kills the monster.)
Player: That wasn't very exciting.. Where is the level scaling?
Dungeon Mastermon: The tentacle monster was level scaled, but your awesome bonus content sword kills all tentacle monsters in one hit. Level doesn't matter.
Player: ...
Patrick Stewart (Digital Reconstruction): You have braved the horrors of Genericville and emerged victorious!
Dungeon Mastermon: You have earned 5000 Xbox 3000 Hardcore Extreme achievement points. You are awesome. You have really accomplished something in your life. Now tell all your friends to buy this game so that you can compete against each other!
Player: This game has a multiplayer mode?!
Dungeon Mastermon: Not really. But you can compete based on who gets the most achievement points. It is awesome!
Player: Is there ANY way to earn more achievement points in this game than I just earned?
Dungeon Mastermon: Not in one playthrough. But you can play the game over and over again. The achievement points of multiple playthroughs are added together! So kill that rat! Again and again and again! Earn more achievement points than anyone else and show them how cool you are! Doesn't that sound awesome!
Player: No.
Dungeon Mastermon: Did I mention that with every playthrough your equipment gets better and better? In the end you will have ELITE GEAR like the "Bearskin Panties of Flatulence" or "School Girl Avenger, the Mighty Sword of tentacle cutting +20"
Player: Awesome! Sign me up for a subscription NOW!
Dungeon Mastermon: My pleasure. Do you want to quit playing now? Note that I am legally required to ask you this question every two hours.
Player: No, no! I want that School Girl Avenger sword! That is my new goal in life!
Player: But my head is feeling strange again..
(An image of Todd Howard Jr. Jr. Jr., President of Gov Inc. suddenly appears)
Todd Howard Jr. Jr. Jr.: ThoughtEx - Makes those irritating feelings in the head go away!
(The image disappears)
Player: What was that?!
Dungeon Mastermon: Just magic from another world!
