Anime RTK3: The Dong is Dead, China's Fucked

[RK47]

Jan 194
Dong Zhou is dead.
Lu Bu fled after killing his foster dad for Diao Chan's pussy.
Cow Cow vows to crush this lone wolf while maintaining control in Central China.
A shitstorm is about to occur, and it will come from the southern China, province of Wu Ling.

Spoiler

That was a terrible intro, RK.

When do we start killing lah?

lol this gunna be gud.

..guys can we stay in character?

lolno.

C'mon. We're here to fuck China. Whaddaya say bros?

You shall have my beard, Steve!

I guess, you'll have my sword.

And my shrug.

Thanks guise. OK. I'm your Ruler. And you are my officers. And my first order is to purchase supplies for our soldiers.

KFC again?

No... just rice.

lol

Fuck me. I hope it isn't green.

What about meat milord?

General corvus, we're commanding soldiers, not nobility.

cheebye lah.

Shut up already, ok. As the Ruler I command one of you to...

Uh...

What?

I'll do it myself, you guys suck at it.

Butthurt detected.

Buying food is always great at the start of the year. It'll get very expensive at winter.

 

[tindrli]

is that genghis khan??

 

[Tigranes]

Yes. YES. ROTK. Do it.

 

[RK47]

Training begins

Spoiler

Boring lah. I want to start fighting.

If you don't train your troops you'd suffer the consequences in the battlefield.

This is like CK2 levy right?

Not exactly, there are two options to gather troops to your side. Drafting, will recruit direct from the population and depends on the WAR skill. This is cheap, but the recruits are green and if you draft too much the population will shrink and lead to lesser annual tax yield.

And the other?

You hire. These are well trained and will not take numbers from the populace. But more expensive.

Hmph, considering our meager budget, I suppose we're done with the drafting this year.

Yeah. Probably. Anyway, It's time for your next assignment, Tzaero.

Sigh, what is it?

Look for capable officers. We're a little short-handed at the moment. You got no troops to train anyway.

Shut up and do it anyway.

 

[RK47]

Spoiler

Shit that barely missed our province. Could've been severe.

China is a fucked up place.

Months pass...

Steve, I found someone.

Eh? How good is this guy?

Waste of time lah.

We can always use him for menial tasks. I think I'll go and persuade him.

Shut up, man. I know what I'm doing. The rest of you stick with training the troops. Tzaero, look for more prospective recruits.

Good luck RK.

The next month...

I told you so.

Nothing is certain, you could've been wrong.

Well, I'm right this time.

Tzaero, go persuade that faggot.

wtf? why?

Just do it lah.

Great leadership there.

Quiet.

Elsewhere...

Oh, looks like someone wants to conquer. Liu Biao vs Sun Ce.

Sun Ce did not ignore the border incursion and send forces to battle the invader.

Sun's officer is of better quality than Liu. There's no surprise from this outcome. Despite Liu having control of 3 cities, they still can't hope to beat Sun's sole stronghold that easily.

Winter arrives.

Steve, I found someone else...

Don't fucking bother. Go back to shoveling snow.

New year arrives...

Hey RK, I found something.

What?

Holy shit. How?

I killed 10 pigs and collected their intestines for it.

Great, hand it over.

I have the power, bros. Come let's spend some cash this new year! Draft soldiers!

Welp, there goes our gold.

Yeah this city kinda sucked. I say we should conquer some territory, CK2 style. What casus belli do we have?

We don't need any in China. Just fuck anyone you want.

Are we even in any shape for war? All we have are roughly 25,000 soldiers with basic arms, no horses, no crossbows and a good stockpile of rice.

Well, I do have capable officers by my side...

Except our liege is kinda average.

I tried to make myself worse but the game won't let me lah!

Do we really have to invade someone? We have two empty cities adjacent to us. What say we just take control of the bigger ones?

That's... a good idea actually, Tzaero?

We have two options.

Chang Sha has nearly triple our current population and decent land. However, it's close to the Sun and Liu's borders. We might be caught in a battle.

I don't mind fighting. I'm bored of drilling troops already.

The second option is much safer...

The land is not as good back south after the flood struck, but we won't border any warlord's territory in Ling Ling. We can slowly build up and move out when ready.

Both are good ideas. Gentlemen?

Hmm.

 

[Tigranes]

Chang Sha. Obviously!

 

[abnaxus]

Chūgoku Rance.

 

[corvus]

No KFC's, but Chang Sha has a McDonald's

Spoiler

 

[RK47]

I've decided.

Oh, what now, Great Leader?

Tell the peasants we're collecting taxes. I want every house ransacked for valuables, coins, and even food. If they ask, tell them the country is in a state of emergency.

Spoiler

They're not gonna take this sort of treatment well you know...

Yeah, RK. If they revolt, they might damage more than we've earned from this ransacking.

Don't care lah, we're BROs, we take whatever we want!

That's a valid concern...

IF we're staying here for long.

Where's that epic music coming from?

*waves his Samsung Android Pad and unplugged earphones*

Sigh. Here comes the Great Strategist and Master Planner exposition...

Fuck, I always love this part of Steve's LP. Full of made-up intrigue.

Much epic. So cunning. Very azn.

Shut up man. Gather the loot and report back here for debriefing! On the double!

'Kay.

We're done. I think I saw a few soldiers raped a pig here and there. Still edible, though just gotta clean it thoroughly.

Ahhh, added Vitamin C...

...men. Yeaaah.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Well done. Gentlemen. Phase 1 is done. Time for phase 2 for operation Fuck China. Tzaero, pack your bags.

You're heading to Ling Ling. There, you will appoint yourself as the governor. Take a small parcel of gold and food with you. Bribe the locals if they resist, but don't provoke them, just collect taxes normally.

Huh, just me? What about troops?

You don't need any, no one's gonna attack you.

But what if they do?

Too bad.

Sigh, an early death isn't so bad...or capture would present an opportunity to shiv this fucker on the back... heh.

Did you say something?

Nope. Just wondering how many underwear to pack.

Have a safe trip.

And so, Tzaero moves to Ling Ling and governed there.
A month passes...

Whatever.

What's that Seal for?

Probably Chinese for 'Condom' Anyway, call up Lund. We're moving out as well before the locals revolt.

Wuh? Where to?

Chang Sha. They've got McDonald's over there.

Elsewhere...

Well. This isn't so bad. I get to tax and play ruler. Kinda boring though. Oh well, might as well search the locales for anyone talented...

A month later...

Wow. This is so much better.

Yep. Look at that population size.

Looks like a solid plan, Steve.

Alright, settle down and start drafting an army.

Later that month...

Steve! Urgent news, there's a battle across the the province! It's Red Cliffs, man! Liu Biao's attacking Sun Ce!

I don't see why this is a cause for concern...

Well he forgot to add something else...

Oh, he wants us in the team? Sure. You're up for a swim, Lund?

Why the hell not? I'm in the varsity rowing team, you know.

Ok...

Uh. It seems we have no ships.

lolwut.

Well, I'm not spending money to build any ships. Fuck that.

And so we apologize to the messenger and send him back.

No harm done anyway, Liu Biao lost. And it is made worse the following month when one of his talented officers left him to join Sun.

Meanwhile...

Wow. They really shared their harvest with me. How kind of them. I should stockpile a bit more before sending it to Steve.

Elsewhere...

This guy looks talented. Let's recruit him.

This time, I'll head out in my special cart.

Not a bad military officer.

Corvus, Time to head out. It's December, I want you to head out and collect some taxes for new year.

Uh?

You heard me. It'd be a waste if we don't collect from those empty provinces.

Why should they pay taxes if I'm just dropping over for a month? I don't quite understand, is it like Crusader Kings?

lol peasant gonna peasant. Corvus, the peasants are obliged to pay taxes to any warlords passing by, even though they only come once a year or so. This is simply how things are since the central government has collapsed and chinks are divided into multiple warlords lording over their own demesne.

I knew you'd understand how shit works in China, Lund.

Duh, JP Morgan sent me here for a reason.

The year later...

Thanks for the gold, suckers.

Why the hell not?
And with that, I end this update.

 

[RK47]

Meanwhile in Central China...

Lou Boo, the dude who made konsole kids cry is rocking Liu Bei's troops hard. If no one stops him, he might become a major force in the future.

Spoiler

Our spies have returned with news of Liu Biao's territory.

One may ask, why Liu, and not Sun that we are targeting...

That's because the way to Sun's territory is blocked by a waterway... and I do not have any ships nor do I wish to spend any resources just to invade Sun. That meant having us move back to the restive county of Wu Ling we just abandoned before invading Liu's territory.

Elsewhere, ITZ happened.

Scary faces. Severe damage. Nothing good can come off rebellion due to low Public Support. It can be brought down by repeated drafting and severe taxing. The only way to raise support is to give away food. Hopefully with a charismatic officer.

But of course, General Corvus doesn't give a fuck about PR in South China.

Sorry dudes, Uncle Steve needs you to fulfill his patriotic duty for his motherland. All your chikin are ours!

They all glared at him as he walks pass with gold and rice-laden wagons back to his governor's mansion.
He will have to leave soon or risk being organ harvested in the dead of the night by kung-fu wielding yellows.
Later that month we receive troubling news from our original home province of Wu Ling...

Man, natural disaster is a bitch ain't it, chinamen? It's lucky we moved out. The schadenfreude felt so good. Nothing like paying special tax only to get cunt-juiced by mother nature.

Liu Biao, on the meantime is desperate for a successful conquest. This time he makes a move for Yuan Shu's territory.

He succeeded with added help from Cao Cao.

Worrying. Are those two allied?
Elsewhere in North China, Yuan Shao tries to secure more land...

Kong Rong a minor lord, never stood a chance but was set free, setting a possibility of disastrous far-reaching consequence in the future of Steve, as his possible off-springs from his dynasty, Rong-Rong joined his company in 2013.
But that, is another story, for another time.

Not wanting to have to deal with hostile warlords when making a move towards Liu's territory, Steve takes precaution by negotiating with the major powers.

More spy reports... I believe we've found the capital of Liu Biao.

Impressive populace. Weak troop count. We can try to make a blitz. Our soldiers are ready to break through his weak borders. We make a move towards Wu Ling, risking a bunch of unruly rebels that might wreck our carefully prepared force.

Better move fast, RK. The locals look like they might bite.

Don't worry about it, the chinks just need to learn they're not the most important people in the world.

Whatever do you mean, Steve?

*Walks past a chink* See, I'm not looking at the chink, I'm not acknowledging the chink, I'm just letting the chink know I'm not interested in them.

Oh boy...

See, the chinks think your world revolves around them because everything they do gets a response from you.

See, if you don't validate their behavior with neither positive or negative response basically ignoring them, they'll eventually stop trying to get your attention.

Steve, I found something!

What?

Fucking sweet! All are the preparations done?

As ready as we can be.

Then...it's time.

EPIC WARRRRRR THEEEEEMEEEE!

We can't afford any horses or ranged weapons. We're heading in with just a blade on every man's hand. Let's move!

Finally!

Liu Biao summons reinforcements from adjacent province.

The outnumbered defenders attempt to flee.

Pussies. Let's sweep them!

Fast. Let's deal with the defenders quickly. I don't want to waste too many soldiers.

OK boss!

You two hit the gates, I'll deal with the newcomer.

Hey chinaman! I cao'ed ni ma ma last night!

I didn't ask! Time to die!

Bah, Steve leaving us with the boring work. Not fair lah!

If he loses, that's end of this invasion since his troops are the ones carrying the rice sacks.

DON'T LOSE LAH!

*Mashes ENTER key* Fucking QTE.

Get'im!

YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Bitches leave.

So much for reinforcements, eh?
The gates broke - and we continue our march into the city

More enemy officers fled.

Eventually the remnants holed themselves in the governor's mansion taking heavy losses from our simultaneous attacks.

That's it! First blood!

 

[abnaxus]

Where's the rape Steve

 

[RK47]

Got the prisoners gathered, milord. What do we do with 'em?

Spoiler

Eh, recruit them of course. Every single officer is helpful.

Sigh, bye Chinaman.

Must've been your charms.

Oh well. Next!

Nice to meet you too. What a waste. They had 11,000 men under their command. Now we have to dismiss them.

What! Why?!

Ask KOEI. Dumb design. Let's settle down and plan our next move.

Plenty of gold and food supply for another invasion. We lost roughly 10,000 men. Gotta recruit and retrain them, it will take a month or two.

Well, let's not forget that Liu Biao is probably on full retreat now. We shouldn't delay. Corvus!

Yes?

We'll move out next month to secure the invasion route. You stay here and train the men.

Fine.

The next month...

Well, let's go. Let's hope they don't bother sending anyone to defend.

Now what kind of warlord wishes that?

We're ready.

Awww, fuck. Why do they have to send 22,000 on a border defense? For fuck's sake.

What's the problem?

Cavalry. man. It's a delaying action. They want us to pay a high price for taking this battleground. Just aim for the leader. Ignore the rest.

Assuming we can find the leader in this fog that is.

Dude, do you see where the otherunit went?

I have no fucking idea, they must've hidden themselves in the forest.

Asshole kept outmaneuvering us...

C'mon punk! You wanna piece of me?!

OH FOR FUCKS SAKE BOTH OF US LOST HIM!?

Derp. Casualty at 50%. This is a Pyrrhic victory.

Not yet, ...ENEMY COMMANDER! LET'S DUEL!

Fuck you and your pussy-ass gay shit. Shd've brought corvus along, would've quicken this up. Sigh.

Didn't even capture anyone...

...well, at least we got the corridor to invasion cleared.

The two heroes return home exhausted.
Next month, in China...

Holy shit. Learn to sewage, ya damn chinks.

We're lucky we're not in Chang Sha anymore.

Yeah, my acute sense of danger saved us once again.

Hey guise, welcome back, how goes the battle?

Shut up, corvus. We need to recruit and retrain our men, their morale is in the toilet.

Okay lah.

Uh, Steve. Messenger from Cao Cao, it sounded important.

Huh?

LOLWUT

1141 Gold is no small amount.

You tell Cow Cow he can sh-

Might not be a good idea to break alliance yet.

This isn't alliance, this is blackmail!

I'll imprison and then cut his balls off, Steve. Just say the world.

No wait, do we have any spare crossbows in storage?

Uh, yeah you want me to shoot him?

No, just give him a stack. That'll pacify him.

Phew.

That was shrewd. Even a useless gift is a gift, after all, eh?

The next month...

Give this fucker a crossbow.

Another month passes...

We got mail from Tzaero.

Awesome, gold?

Oh wow. It's something alright.

I feel stronger.

One day I'll kill him. And feed his organs to the pigs. Then roast the pig and have a nice cubed sweet and sour pork with rice.

Say the word Steve. JUST SAY THE WORD!

Give him a crossbow. We've got no time for this nonsense.

Next year...

Let's do this!

Odds looks good... 8 months ago. Now all intel is outdated, but at least we got our troops back.

General Corvus, how are the men?

Tolerable, sir.

Morale?

Good at central, poor on the front.

Firing squads?

20 today, 12 for cowardice in the line of duty.

Baneblade production?

Tank crew, munitions and parts are arriving by convol on sche-

Yo, wrong game BROs!

I know.

K, just so you know - let's not delay thi-

Look at this.

Sigh. Tzaero would murder you if he's here.

Once this was a fine city. Gleaming beacon of the Emperor's light - a center of industry, now look at it.

Uh...very good, milord.

Corvus, I would like to see this city built up again. I would like to see towers and spires of gleaming white. I would like to see our men on parade routes, not tours of duty. I would like to see every city, every stronghold in this besotted, miserable country turned to the service and industry of the Steve Imperium, in the Emperor’s name.

In the Emperor's name, Sir.

But to see my dreams fulfilled, first we must wipe the central plains clean of the blasted Liu, Cao, and Lu. Our troops are ready. Tell me Corvus - are we prepared? Or will we be lambs taken to slaughter?

Okay lah.

Then we march! For the Emprah!

Dat larping.

 

[Corporate_Jew_Master]

Do not forget to utilise the traditional Tuna Ravens strategy of Chink Rehn.

Multiple simultaneous defensive simultaneous multiple defensive simultaneous chink strikes.

 

[LeStryfe79]

Steve should recruit a cat.

 

[RK47]

LundB is a faggot.

It begins...

Spoiler

Ha. 50k to 20k. Love the odds.

Looks like the timing of our attack is impeccable, thye just finished collecting their taxes too.

Kill lah KILL!

Hurry up and break the gates. The enemy reinforcements have arrived.

On it!

Wait, it's opening!

Looks like they want to slow us down further.

I'll take care of the reinforcement!

Oh boy...

Fuck lah, why not me?!

The duel went from night ...

Till day...

OMG UR A FAG LUND!

GO KISS ALREADY

Cheebye, could've knocked out that 10k reinforcements. VERY DISAPPOINTED, SON!

Hnnngh, sorry bros.

SHUT THE FUCK UP. WE'RE GOING IN!

Fucking gate within gates within-

Yo dawg, I heard-

SHUT UP LAH!

We're through to Liu Biao soon, everything else is secondary!

Surround the palace! Coordinate the attack!

It's over soon! HIS HEAD ON THE PIKE. NAO!

What the fuck?!

lol wituslow

Oh boy...

 

[abnaxus]

you are worst chink. you are the chink idiot you are the chink smell. return to chugoku. to our manchu cousins you may come our contry. you may live in the zoo....ahahahaha ,manchukuo we will never forgeve you. chink rascal FUck but fuck asshole chink stink manchu korea korea..nankin rape best day of my life. take a bath of dead chink..ahahahahahRUSSIA WE WILL GET YOU!! do not forget ww2 .tsesarevich we kill admiral , russia return to your precious mongoria....hahahahaha idiot chink and russian smell so bad..wow i can smell it. REMOVE GAIJIN FROM THE PREMISES. you will get caught. nippon+usa+taiwan+korea=kill russia...you will ww2/ hide alive in nippon, hide making album of nippon . fast rap hide nippon. we are rich and have gold now hahahaha ha because of hide... you are ppoor stink chink... you live in a hovel hahahaha, you live in a yurt

hide alive numbr one #1 in nippon ....fuck the chink ,..FUCKk ashol chinks no good i spit in the mouth eye of ur flag and contry. hide aliv and real strong wizard kill all the chink farm aminal with rap magic now we the nipponjin rule .ape of the zoo presidant vladimri putin fukc the great satan and lay egg this egg hatch and russia wa;s born. stupid baby form the eggn give bak our clay we will crush u lik a skull of pig. nippon greattst countrey

 

[RK47]

As the battle carries on till next month, Liu Bei makes another attempt to grab a second city.

Spoiler

He succeeded.

Except his original stronghold, Xia Pi is immediately under attack by Liu Yao.

He was unable to defend it.

Meanwhile...

Casualty report?

60% losses. Enemy is resorting to desperate charges, their food supply runs low.

We'll just have to keep at it then! ATTACK!

As hundreds of the Palace defenders fall, Liu Biao decides to flee before he gets captured!

DAMN! He escaped!

Victory is ours!

Recruit him.

Gold is good, food is good, but we're in severe need of men. Let's hope no counter attack is coming.
And if you look at the southern China map you can see Sun has made a move into the vacated city of 29.
Tzaero better move soon.

Drafting men. And we found another volume of Sun Tzu's

The following month, Tzaero will vacate the province.

Unfortunately, Ling Cao is on a spying mission and cannot be recalled in time.

Elsewhere, to the north, Yuan Shao begins his incursion in Cao Cao's territory.

Cao Cao responds with a relief force from Luo Yang.

But it was in vain. This results in...

What the fuck lah

The nerve of that asshole.

The two Liu finally stopped their quarrel to ensure their survival.

Tzaero is still not safe. He needs to move out to next province asap.
Elsewhere, Yuan Shao continues to expand...

This time, he fails.
Next month in Xiang Yang...

Food is cheap at harvest month. Restocking a huge amount.
Now comes a decision for Tzaero in 27. Jiang Ling.

Will he rejoin our main forces at 24. Xiang Yang or fortify his position?

 

[tindrli]

rejoin

 

[Corporate_Jew_Master]

rejoin

 

[RK47]

Rejoining

Appointing normal officers as General/Advisors is the only way to directly manage a city under control of that vassal.
Since Generals need high WAR and Advisors need high INT - a large empire would require several talented men to have effective management of their empire.

Spoiler

We continue training our troops.

While Ling Cao enacts a 'Fuck you I'm not coming back here' Tax before leaving the province he is on.

1.3 K and 13K of food is collected. That's a lot.

Shit's spreading. I hope it doesn't hit us.

What.

There's no point in sending reinforcements, we don't even have any food to feed the troops.

Fortunately, no one got captured..

We still can't let that corridor be closed. Let's take it back to clear a path for Ling Cao to rejoin us.

Damn right.

They ran immediately. We secured the small amount of supplies they've brought with them.

Ling Cao can now move out.

Elsewhere, Cao Cao attacks Yuan Shao...

He succeeded!
Meanwhile, back in Xiang Yang - we draft more soldiers to our cause.

It seems like Cao Cao and Yuan Shao are the most active warlords.

Yuan Shao pushes southwards.
While our band of robber barons do the necessary before rejoining our forces to the north.

Also, before leaving we recruit more of the populace, because why not?

If anyone tries to govern over this city, they're gonna deal with a very pissed off populace.

The yellow plague is hitting central China hard. Soon it might reach us. Let's hope that won't happen.

Time to move.

Sun Ce continue to joke around.

Seriously, the nerve of that man...

Bros, food is ready. Let's eat.

Hmmm...

Sluuurp.This noodle tastes weird...

Yeah, this pork has a strong aroma...

And purplish tint.

Hnnngh...

 

[RK47]

Chinese Food Sucks

Spoiler

We've lost a lot of men to that disease.

Let's just be thankful that none of the important officers fell ill.

We have to recruit more men and retrain them again to replace the dead...

Pain in the butt lah.

Later that year...

Fuck this, I've had enough.

RK...

FUCK HIM LAH!

SHIT! He escaped?!

Cow Cow's gonna be angry.

Let him. Fuck that piece of shit. Alliance with that snake is meaningless.

Well, at least he won't bother sending any more of them here.

The plague continue to spread...

Our spies have returned with news of Liu Biao's main forces in 26. Jiang Xia

If my prediction is correct, Liu Biao's weaker forces are split up to the north. So we should take advantage by crushing the weaker of the two. Isolating his officers and depriving him of taxes.

The numbers are just an illusion. Almost half of our men are ill-trained. I decided to just blitz while the year is early to seize most of the tax and food.

The poorly trained men are less effective and move slower. Tzaero's army in particular lags behind.
Suddenly...

That trap just killed 5,000 men.

I got a bad feeling about this campaign already.

Thankfully that's the only pit trap we triggered before we breached the gates.

Still, the enemy commander has a good stack of troops in the palace. We have to slowly whittle him down.

It was going according to plan... but casualty is horrendous not forgetting this...

LundB really fucked up in this battle.

We persevered, despite heavy casualty.

Sigh.

Low INT...eventually, the enemy commander had enough and fled.

We lost nearly 50,000 men taking on a force half our size.

We're really off to a good start to the year.

 

[Corporate_Jew_Master]

To lead half trained bros to war is to be a nigger

-Mangoose