Review And Book Review He Did

[Lumpy]

If you want my advice, take $20, give it to a street urchin, tell him to turn around, and set him on fire. You will have far more fun with that than with reading Dragon Age: The Stolen Throne.

Fixed.
Also, the comparison is bad. Setting a street urchin on fire is not known as a particularly boring activity - so you aren't saying much by claiming it is more fun than Dragon Age.
And the first sentence is ambiguous. Why would you need to pay a street urchin 20$ to get him to turn around, and why would you need him to turn in order to be able to set him on fire?
The review could use a lot of improvement. Right now, it looks like an amateur effort.

 

[Warden]

Lumpy, stop being annoying, please.

He doesn't have to be Lumpy to write a review about the book.

 

[WanderingThrough2]

More luzalicious excerpts, to keep the appetite up:

The screaming went on and on. It couldn’t be men, they couldn’t scream that horribly.

“Wounded horses,” said Loghain.

Maric had never heard a horse scream and he could hardly believe it. There was a whole world of pain in that sound, creation itself under torture, a wild and horrifying agony.
They all went pale.

Wilhelm sat up. “Bastards, bastards! For the Maker’s sake, someone kill them!” He was a farmer’s son and used to handling horses. It really got to him. And as if on purpose the sounds of battle died away almost completely. The screams of the animals became that much clearer. You couldn’t tell where it was coming from any more in that quiet, silver landscape, it was invisible, ghostly, it was everywhere, between the earth and the heavens, and it swelled out immeasurably.

Wilhelm was going crazy and roared out, “Kill them, for the Maker’s sake, put them out of their misery!”

“They've got to get the wounded men out first,” said Loghain. The band stood up and tried to see where the horses were. If they could actually see the animals, it would be easier to cope with. Rowan had a spyglass with her. Through it, they could make out a dark group of pages with stretchers, and then some bigger things, black mounds that were moving.

Those were the wounded horses. But not all of them. Some galloped off a little way, collapsed, and then ran on again. The belly of one of the horses had been ripped open and its guts were trailing out. It got its feet caught up in them and fell, but it got to its feet again.

Wilhelm raised his wizard’s staff and took aim, muttering the words of a fireball spell. Loghain knocked the staff upwards. “Are you crazy?” Wilhelm shuddered and threw his staff to the ground.

They all sat down and pressed their hands over their ears. But the terrible crying and groaning and howling still got through, it penetrated everything. They could all stand a lot, but this broke them out in a cold sweat. Maric wanted to get up and run away, anywhere, just so as not to hear that screaming any more. And it wasn’t men, just horses.

 

[Elzair]

Also, the comparison is bad. Setting a street urchin on fire is not known as a particularly boring activity - so you aren't saying much by claiming it is more fun than Dragon Age.

Well, the most common suggestion is to take one's money and set it on fire rather than buying whatever is being criticized. I tried to be a bit more clever by suggesting setting someone else on fire. I guess it did not work.

And the first sentence is ambiguous. Why would you need to pay a street urchin 20$ to get him to turn around, and why would you need him to turn in order to be able to set him on fire?

Well, the first review just read "take $20, give it to a street urchin, and set him on fire." I changed it to paying him to turn around because it is easier to set someone on fire when their back is turned, and because I needed to include a reason for giving the street urchin $20.

The review could use a lot of improvement. Right now, it looks like an amateur effort.

Well, I recently submitted another review that tones the bile down even further. Here is the new final sentence.

Otherwise, you can certainly do better than reading Dragon Age: The Stolen Throne.

 

[analt]

Somehow, I think reading anything already traipsed by your obviously very discerning, and erudite, mind would ruin the experience for me. I don't doubt that the monolith of a man of whom you speak writes monumental works for the betterment of all mankind, especially considering the sheer quantity of "obscure allusions to history, legend, and myth" you claim he inserts into his writing. Incidentally, a paraphrased quote comes to mind, something along the lines of:
"Those who can't write fill their work up with obscure shit to baffle others."

You should read "Jurgen," then. It's about traveling through time banging hot chicks. Like "A Connecticut Yankee" made out of cock instead of misanthropy.

 

[Clockwork Knight]

I wonder how high the butthurt levels would be if they used "God" instead of "Maker" for their witchcraft story

 

[poocolator]

Somehow, I think reading anything already traipsed by your obviously very discerning, and erudite, mind would ruin the experience for me. I don't doubt that the monolith of a man of whom you speak writes monumental works for the betterment of all mankind, especially considering the sheer quantity of "obscure allusions to history, legend, and myth" you claim he inserts into his writing. Incidentally, a paraphrased quote comes to mind, something along the lines of:
"Those who can't write fill their work up with obscure shit to baffle others."

You should read "Jurgen," then. It's about traveling through time banging hot chicks. Like "A Connecticut Yankee" made out of cock instead of misanthropy.

I barely recall writing that.

 

[Warden]

"Those were the wounded horses. But not all of them. Some galloped off a little way, collapsed, and then ran on again. The belly of one of the horses had been ripped open and its guts were trailing out. It got its feet caught up in them and fell, but it got to its feet again."

Ok. Gaider is not only lousy at creating fantasy lore, he's sick in his mind as well.

 

[Stereotypical Villain]

Grimdark epicmature, surely.

 

[SerratedBiz]

I don't see the problem, it got back on its feet.

 

[circ]

This is up there with the likes of the great R.A. Salvatore so what's the problem? Other than R.A. being atrocious.

 

[Jason]

I was mostly interested in mainpage coverage because of its potential to cause an uproar among the hardcore Bioware fans. I was also interested to see Gaider's response.

Oh yeah, totally, right?. But just think of how much more intense it would be if they just kinda stumbled on it in the forums rather than on the main page. It would absolutely blow their fucking minds. In the forums. Not on the main page.

 

[TNO]

illhouse:

Hey, wait! I'm a publicity whore!

If I write up a proper preview of DA: The Calling, will you be interested if I send it in? I did one a little while ago to furious critical acclaim (see the thread titled DA: The Calling.)

If not, then meh.

 

[Elwro]

Gritty & Mature? Moar like Gritty & Amateur amirite

 

[Shannow]

The perfect soundtrack.

 

[JarlFrank]

"Those were the wounded horses. But not all of them. Some galloped off a little way, collapsed, and then ran on again. The belly of one of the horses had been ripped open and its guts were trailing out. It got its feet caught up in them and fell, but it got to its feet again."

Ok. Gaider is not only lousy at creating fantasy lore, he's sick in his mind as well.

This scene is also so incredibly unlikely and unrealistic, what the fuck.

 

[circ]

Oh and middle aged hobos shooting fire out of their hands is realistic huh?

 

[Monolith]

illhouse:

Hey, wait! I'm a publicity whore!

If I write up a proper preview of DA: The Calling, will you be interested if I send it in? I did one a little while ago to furious critical acclaim (see the thread titled DA: The Calling.)

If not, then meh.

Hell yeah.

 

[Warden]

Oh and middle aged hobos shooting fire out of their hands is realistic huh?

If there's magic in a setting that doesn't mean everything else should be unrealistic (and ridiculous) as well.
Sure, they could invent a fantasy setting with people walking on their heads.. but?


"This is up there with the likes of the great R.A. Salvatore so what's the problem? Other than R.A. being atrocious."

I really don't care if it's Gaider, R.A.S. or Martin - I dislike this degree of gore, atrocity and in depth description of torture. Sure, it has a little side minus because it's written by that gnome Gaider, but that's all.

 

[JarlFrank]

I don't mind descriptions of gore and violence. I do mind them being completely ridiculous, however.

 

[Warden]

I do mind them being completely ridiculous, however.

That goes without saying.. a horse getting stuck in his intestines? Gee.

 

[muds_animal_friend]

"Those were the wounded horses. But not all of them. Some galloped off a little way, collapsed, and then ran on again. The belly of one of the horses had been ripped open and its guts were trailing out. It got its feet caught up in them and fell, but it got to its feet again."

Ok. Gaider is not only lousy at creating fantasy lore, he's sick in his mind as well.

The true horror is the atrocious prose. Mr. Gaider has a knack for using clunky or conflicting idioms and modifiers.

"It got its feet caught up in them and fell, but it got to its feet."

"They all sat down and pressed their hands over their ears. But the terrible crying and groaning and howling still got through, [comma splice] it penetrated everything.
They could all stand a lot, but this broke them out in a cold sweat."

"The screams of the animals became that much clearer.
You [sigh] couldn’t tell where it [noun-pronoun disagreement] was coming from any more in that quiet, silver landscape ... [comma splice, broken metaphor, comma splice, etc.]"

I assume that there's an editor in Tor Books who has recently committed seppuku with his red marker pen.

 

[WanderingThrough2]

More lulz:

They awoke in the middle of the night. The earth boomed. Heavy fire was falling on them. They crouched into corners. They distinguished spells of every nature.

Each man laid hold of his things and looked again every minute to reassure himself that they were still there. The dugout heaved, the night roared and flashed with Severan's magic. They looked at each other in the momentary flashes of light, and with pale faces and pressed lips shook their heads.

Every man was aware of the sorcery tearing down the parapet, rooting up the embankment and demolishing the upper layers of stone. When a spell burst in the trench they noted how the hollow, furious blast was like a blow from the paw of a raging beast of prey. Already, by morning, a few of the youngest knights were green and vomiting. They were too inexperienced. . . .

These hours. . . . The gurgling started again — but how slowly a man died! For this Maric knew — the Orlesian could not be saved. Indeed, he had tried to tell himself that the man would be, but at noon this pretense broke down and melted before his groans. If only Maric had not lost his hand-bow crawling about, he would shoot him. Stab him he could not.

By noon Maric was groping on the outer limits of reason. Hunger devoured him, he could almost weep for something to eat, he could not struggle against it. Again and again he fetched water for the dying Orlesian and drank some himself.

This was the first of many he had killed with his hands, whom he could see close at hand, whose death was his own doing. Katriel and Rown and certainly Loghain had experienced it already; it happened to many, in hand-to-hand fighting especially—

But every gasp laid Maric's heart bare. This dying man had time with him, he had an invisible dagger with which he stabbed the young prince: time and Maric's own thoughts.

The boy would give so much if the Orlesian would but stay alive. It was hard to lie there and to have to see and hear him.

Emoluv FTW!

 

[JarlFrank]

They awoke in the middle of the night. The earth boomed. Heavy fire was falling on them. They crouched into corners. They distinguished spells of every nature.

They... They... They...

Holy shit, not only does he make 5 similar short sentences in a row, which already is quite bad style, he also starts them off exactly the same way.

I'm not a native speaker, but even my English prose is better than that.

 

[DreadMessiah]

I am your dark desire......I come with fire.....I am much more than a lover....now it is time for fire.....metal..lightning..screaming...I am the evil soldier..the one you wished you never seen...the king of darkness...I will force you to feel the pain again...