Jaesun
Fabulous Ex-Moderator
http://social.bioware.com/forum/1/category/103/index
Galactic News Network: Breaking Story
Earth -- The citizens of Earth watched in horror yesterday morning as the Reaper armada blew through all Alliance resistance and landed in the twenty largest cities in the world, crushing monuments and setting themselves in a position to destroy all humanity at their leisure. Reports from the Council indicated that the Reapers had similarly positioned themselves to obliterate all intelligent races, from the timid hanar to the proud turian empire.
But what came next shocked everyone. The Reapers explained that they returned every 50,000 years to witness evidence of the true power of love.
And as all you viewers by now know, the Reapers have chosen Commander Shepard, formerly of the Alliance military and most recently associated with terrorist organization Cerberus, as the organic whose romantic exploits they will watch to determine the fate of every living creature in the galaxy.
Councilor Udina has asked that Commander Shepard put all past differences with the Council aside. "This is a romantical shitstorm," the Councilor stated in a press conference earlier today, "but for all of our sakes, we are praying for you, Commander Shepard. Send your fleet in. Send it in hard."
In a rare public announcement, the Illusive Man briefly asked that Commander Shepard successfully demonstrate his romantic acumen "for yoomanity," asking also that Shepard focus his interest in a pro-human direction, ideally with Miranda or, if necessary, Ashley.
Updates, as we receive them:
06:15 CST Commander Shepard, concerned about Tali's immune system, asks whether her getting sick could be contagious and infect other people. Tali appears hurt. In response, the Reapers vaporize the volus homeworld.
06:32 CST Commander Shepard brings Jack, with whom he had a fling, and Tali, whom he is currently attempting to date, to meet his ex-girlfriend, Liara T'Soni. The Reapers forcibly indoctrinate the entire vorcha species and drop them across several elcor colonies.
07:15 CST Commander Shepard attempts to choose a gift for Tali and goes with "flowers". After Tali explains the effect of flower pollen on her system, the Reapers liquefy the entire salarian species en masse.
07:46 CST Commander Shepard finds Tali and Legion arguing and ejects Legion out the Normandy airlock without pausing to listen to the context of the argument. Tali drags Shepard up to his cabin. As a reward, the Reapers bathe Earth and other human colonies in unique radiation that evidently halts the aging process and allows humans to see both infrared and ultraviolet frequencies.
08:12 CST Commander Shepard informs Tali that he is ending the relationship because he'd "Rather have sex with someone who won't die from it." He then finds Ashley and suggests that he slept with Tali not because of Dem Hips, but because Tali supported him in the fight against the Collectors while Ashley just chewed him out on Horizon, and you know who would have backed Shepard? Kaidan. Only Kaidan ain't here right now, because Shepard left Kaidan to die in order to save Ashley... and maybe that was a bad choice. The Reapers torture the entire batarian species to extinction. Reports indicate Shepard may have deliberately tanked that one.
08:35 CST Commander Shepard has indicated that he still has romantic feelings for Liara and is approaching the final confrontation with the Shadow Broker. The fate of humanity may rest on whether Shepard successfully hits that Interrupt. Stay tuned.