AND NOW...
A BURNING FUCKING BUILDING!
ACCESS. ACCESS TO AWESOME
SCREAMING MEN. SUNGLASSES. BITCHES. BLACK HOMIES. NINJAS
ARE YOU DREAMING? FUCK NO ITS CRIMEWAVE
AWESOME CITYSCA- Actually, I guess I can stop with the extreme talk since the game more then makes up for it. Basically, this is a crappy side scroller made in 1990 that featured videos of the Prez's hawt daughter tied up and half naked.
PROLOGUE: SHE'S TIGHT
"Poweder room" is code for "I'm horny" Chelsea Clinton never dressed like that.
The young, nubile daughter suddenly runs into RAPE
SO... Our enemy has a name. Eddie.
"Those clowns didn't have a clue what happened"
"We'll be at the warehouse in about five minutes."
MEANWHILE ON THE CRIMEWAVE TELEVISION NETWORK:
MEANWHILE: Lucas "99 Problems" McCabe, an Irish-American of short stature, is on a mission to steal as much cocaine and money from criminals as he can. To save the children.
If I save her...
...She'll have to have sex with me.
KINGPIN?!
"Yes?"
Nothing... With a tough opponent, McCabe retreats to his inner dark sanctum... And thinks in silence for a moment.
McCabe's magic talking tape recorder whizzes and whirls
Being a perv, McCabe downloads nudie pics of the Prez' daughter, Brit. A little known fact: Everytime a President is elected in America, nude photos are taken of their immediate daughters so super secret crime fighters know who to look for if they are ever captured.
"SINGLE! Oh boy! Computer, do you think she'd like me? DO you think I'll finally lose my virginity?"
*BEEP* *BOOP* *BOOP*
"Oh... um... do you think she's been with any black men?"
...
"...Nevermind, let's download her nudie pics!"
"My God..."
"Moar..."
"Moar angles!"
"MOAR!"
"MOAR MOAR MOAR!"
Sexually satisfied, Luke McCabe moves on to track those that took his lover to be.
"Hmmm... I'll need more angles..."
"Moar... MOAR ANGLES. I NEED THEM"
"MOAR MOAR"
*BEEP*
"Um... yes well, I needed a good look... to see if I can figure out what kind of sunglasses he has on. They're not as good as mine... Ahem"
Grimdark smoking... but it gets even better. Didn't I mention drugs before?
AAAAAAAND finally we're at the main game screen. Crimewave features the world's first and ever "Crime Boss Perspective" in which the game plays on via the perspective of Kingpin's super security system... that he has installed in ghettoes and other assorted shitholes. For some reason.
You'll also notice to the right all the shit that McCabe will be stealing from Kingpin including missiles, bullets, $$$, and of course cocaine: McCabe's fuel and source of mad points that grant him extra lives. FUCK YEAH COKE! Actually, thats what the cash does to, but he uses that on hookers and new shades.
"NO PROB KP!" What kind of Kingpin let's his goons talk to him like that? I also like to assume that those are mullets that these guys are sporting along with jumpsuits that say "KINGPIN" just so they remember who they're working for. This is essentially what real life organized crime is like.
And that's it for now. That's right, no actual gameplay yet mostly because this shit is time consuming and because taking screenshots in game is incredibly difficult, but I'm getting them. Next update, you'll find out just how bad games can be... stay tuned for:
CHAPTER 1: WE PLAY THE ACTUAL GAME