So be it...
Update 4: Jeff’s nerdaventures, purging the zombie plague, and meeting strange xenos
And it’s time for another update! If you remember, last thing that happened is that Black Cat used her sorcery to try to summon Jeff’s assistance, despite being far away in an undetermined place and distance, and not even knowing how he looks like. Did she succeed? (Winter’s theme:
http://rpgmusic.org/earthbound/snowman- ... ding-house http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQ69BOGI ... re=related , barely changed in the series, one of the game’s trademark songs)
”We are trying to contact you... If you hear me, please wake up and... head south! Only you, though far away, can save us, Jeff... Please hear my call and begin heading south... Jeff! You are a friend who we've never met... But you are our one and only hope!...”
And so we meet Jeff, the 3rd chosen boy, and the only one that cannot use psi. No offense here, but he’s also almost as frail as a little girl and all of his weapons are ranged (thus rarely being able to cause a SMASH attack, if any), but he’s a scientist genius, able to use unique and overpowered items. For now, let’s annoy Jeff’s neighbor to see how he reacts:
… *slowly steps away*
Unfortunately, the gay kid catches us trying to escape.
”I had a strange dream where a desperate girl told me to run away from here to save her and another friend, that they’re trapped in a cell in a town surrounded by zombies and that our destiny as the Chosen Ones is to save the world from an alien overlord of limitless power by assisting Codex in merging his power with Earth’s one, and that she’s my friend despite I never saw her until now. Do you understand?”
Gay friend: “...All right. There must be some reason that I don't understand. I won't stop you. But it's dangerous to leave without taking anything along. Hey, I think there's some stuff in the locker room that you should get. I'll help you get out of here...”
And Tony (the “friend”) joins us! Now that we have a bit more of freedom, let’s check Jeff’s stats and inventory:
AAARGH!!! HE STARTS AT LEVEL 1 TOO!!! Sigh… Well, at least, he levels up quickly (if you ask, the ruler and protractor are joke items, that do nothing but occupy your space; about the broken items, I’ll talk about it later), now we leave the room and as always interrogate the residents for info:
”I don’t believe it! I think someone made a model and placed it in the lake.”
”It’s about the Cave Boys at Stonehenge. Many claim to have actually see them.”
”I’ll wash my face, brush my teeth, do my bussiness, and go to bed.”
NOTE: In the original version, he was more “graphic”, saying that he was to take a pee and sleep; aparently Nintendo’s overzealous censorship corps considered that a such as natural and mundane thing was somehow harmful to our poor children *rolls eyes*.
”that the center of Stonehenge has an entrance leading someplace. Some day, we should check it out.”
Well, that’s all here, some random info that might or might not be foreshadowing; entering the nearby room, we meet:
”I hand decorated each cookie to pass out at the party tomorrow.”
And now, for no other particular reason that to be a prick, we loot each one of the presents, stealing several Cookies.
*evil laugh* Biowhare: Dark Side points gained (if that was an actual Biowhore game, we would get EXTREME points or we would be able to fuck off Tony more literally).
Notice how Tony doesn’t bother, althought I wouldn’t trust that rape face of his…
The bottom floor, first room has:
”Are you looking for a late night snack? I'm having some trouble with my project. If only Jeff's father, Dr. Andonuts, were here. He'd be able to provide a great deal of help. I heard he's an astounding person. He was the first leader of our Ultra Science Club... I heard he's greater than Einstein or Heisenberg. Rumor has it he's also very strange. If you're heading to the locker room, take this key along. It's a little bent though. If you leave, call me, and I'll record your adventure. It's like saving the game. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha. ”
In the japanese version, this guy was called Gauss, both are references to 2 famous mathematicans (info here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carl_Friedrich_Gauss and here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Clerk_Maxwell). Now that we have the mandatory plot device, we go to the lockers’ room, unfortunately noticing that the key is bent and thus doesn’t fit in the keyhole, wasting several minutes that I’ll not bother to post. Anyways, returning to Max, he comments:
”I thought that might be the case. So I just invented the... Machine that Opens Doors, especially when you have a slightly bad key. Sorry for the inconvenience. (Jeff got the Bad key machine.) If you are Dr. Andonut's son, you should be able to repair small tools and make them useful. Just try to keep a positive attitude. ”
… Okay, just let’s get out of this place before Jeff’s sanity starts to erode.
Outside, Tony quickly assumes a summission position
, to help us to jump the door.
”Well... I'll say goodbye for now. I don't know where you're going or why, but remember, we are best friends forever.”
And we’re out of the school, and more importantly, away from this “disturbingly affective friend” (seriously, I don’t see what did Biowhore invented with abusing of gayness, Earthbound did that like more than 13 years ago as you can see). The 1st thing we should do is check the conveniently nearby store:
”'If you buy a pack of bubble gum, you can have the monkey for free. Otherwise, he will cost you a buck. So, do you want him? Thanks! The monkey's yours.”
”(The monkey got a piece of bubble gum from Jeff and blew a bubble!)(The Bubble Monkey joins you.)”
And now we just bought a monkey (???). Whatever, let’s hope he doesn’t have fleas. Outside, we find a random tent, which we visit immediately hoping there are more things to "expropiate". Unfortunately, we just find a guy that advice us that the animals had gone crazy for some reason and the other guy just give us a free stay to rest. Speaking of the enemies:
They’re mostly crazy goats. Btw, now I’ll talk about the party’s characters’ special abilities. Jeff can use the “Spy” command to analyze the enemy in search of weaknesses (and sometimes he steals something in the process), Paula can use the “Pray” skill to cause random things (such as healing the party or harming the enemy AND the party), and Codex got nothing because he sucks.
Later, after cutting through more insane animals, we find a small camp filled with many peasants using binoculars:
”We’re known as the ‘Tessie-Watching Club’.”
Well, I suppose it’s a way of wasting time. In any case, we visit the tent, finding the camp’s cook who offers us a free meal for no apparent reason, so we accept it as if it wasn’t suspicious (in fact, it works as if you were resting in a hotel). During the night:
” Head south...I am Black Cat... If you hear this message, go to the south... ”
Oh yeah, I forgot our other heroes, I hope that they’re still alive and/or hunger and despair have not affected their minds. Hours later:
That’s what I wanted to say about Jeff: Unlike lesser men, Jeff suffers of constant insomnia without any serious side-effect to his mind-state or anything (surely related with a trauma he repressed one day that Tony was too “lovely” and did something that he pretends to believe it never happened), and while the rest of the party sleeps he’ll try to repair one of the “Broken items” you have; depending of Jeff’s IQ he’ll be able to repair the item or not, and some items cannot be obtained from anywhere except this way. Soon, in the morning, the wind blows:
Time to meet a living legend!
Well, that wasn’t what I expected, and yes, all Mother series’ main characters can speak with animals, even the non-psykers. Oh, and these are Tessie’s themes:
http://rpgmusic.org/earthbound/tessie-has-been-sighted http://rpgmusic.org/earthbound/tessie
Of course, it was supposed to be Nessie the monster’s name, but Japanese cannot romanize correctly, as you can watch here. After a short travel, we’re deployed in the other side.
Our path is blocked due the Mighty Pencil-Shaped Statue, so we enter the nearby cave.
Umm what?
I guess someone played too much DnD and Dungeon Keeper. Fortunately, it’s an easy dungeon with a non-very complex maze, has some treasures such as food and a better weapon for Jeff, the Stun Gun, but it has enemies like:
The Mad Duck, that would be dangerous because it’s able to steal your PP and prevent you of using it, if it wasn’t for the reason Jeff isn’t a psyker, so he’s nothing more than a push-over. There are also fake gifts that attack you:
Moving on…
Eeer, okay. In this point, when we were to continue, the Stalking Photographer strikes again, apparently not caring that Codex isn’t here.
Hmm, no thanks, I’m not interested in any photo…”
S. Photoman: Come on, NO-ONE says “no” for a photo, unless you want something unpleasant to happen, and you wouldn’t like that, right?
Okay, nevermind…Just be quick please…”
S. Photoman: See? Everyone gets what they want! I’ll watch you later! *disappears*
After the meeting, we’re finally at the dungeon’s end:
” My name's Brickroad, the dungeon developer. I've devoted my life to making dungeons. Well, by combining my skills and Dr. Andonuts intelligence, I can become "Dungeon Man," the first combination of human and dungeon in history. Let's meet again once I have become dungeon man. ...Would you like to get a good night's rest?”
Definitively, too much Dungeon Keeper. Now Jeff continues his travel entering the nearest mountain.
Nothing much to stand out,there are only some possessed mice as enemies, insects and other worthless scum (and gifts to loot, logically)…
Intelligence: That means we’ll come back here. And after the boring dungeon/cave/recycled map.
There goes a wasted dollar; it seems we’ll not get a monkey in our party anytime.
Also, according to Japan, in this bizarro-world cavemen ignored the pass of time and evolution's laws, and these brutes strike you with great strength, they’re too powerful for Jeff alone, but you can try to level up pretty quickly if you have the guts (and that’s what I did until I spent all of my healing items).
”These stones are making a pattern. It’s called Stonehenge, UFO’s often visit here, you must have seen it on TV or read about it in the tabloids. Yes, THAT Stonehenge”.
And shortly after that the Stalking Photographer makes another appearance:
I still wonder where the hell he comes from, and why so many photos, an insane theory could be that he’s a Gygas’s agent monitoring the Chosen Ones’s progress, but that would make too much sense for this game… Or not?
Also, you can try to climb down the hole in the center, but your path is stopped by:
More wackiness (in the original version FYI, it was a limbless wooden doll). So only one place remains to be checked, and we proceed:
That machine is another insta-heal-everything medikit. But more importantly, we finally find the Professor:
” And not only that... What? Who? My son? Oh... I... can't... I can't believe it... You're Jeff, my son. It's been maybe 10 years since I last saw you. I'm so glad you're such a healthy boy. Uh, those glasses look good on you. How about a donut? Well, I was only offering... I'd also like a donut right about now. Have you already checked out Stonehenge? Well, at least I asked... Mmmm... Mmhmm okay. By the way, why are you here? Oh, I see. That girl named Black Cat must have sensed I was here. Okay, I'll try to help you out. I'm trying to make a Phase Distorter that can connect two points in space and time. It's still incomplete. I'll let you use another invention I call the Sky Runner. It's a little bit old but it'll certainly help. When you board, always listen for the message that comes from your destination. You'll get there for sure if you listen to the message. The round machine over there is the Sky Runner. What do you think? Isn't it neat? Get in! Let's get together again in 10 years or so.”
”… Urge to kill, maim, burn rising…”
ROFL, as if Codex’s father wasn’t bad enough, this one lives just some meters away of his son’s school and never asked for him; I should mention too that instead of Sky Runner the original name was Sky Walker; guess why it was changed. Nevertheless, it’s flying time!
http://rpgmusic.org/earthbound/the-sky-runner
[…] And that’s all.
Okay, I understand, I’m still unsure about the ritual sacr... Hey! Who are you?
”The Sky Runner... I guess it took a little damage while landing... Oh well...
You don't have to explain a thing... I'm Jeff. I came because you called me. I'm not really strong, really near-sighted, kind of shy, and I tend to be a little reckless. This is just the way I am... I hope you want me to be your friend... okay?
No.
'...So why did you call me? Are you just making fun of me?
No, I mean that you’re much braver than you say, considering the hardships you suffered just to rescue two perfect strangers,not many people would had done what you did.
Oh, thanks.
It’s ok, now you’ll say your last line and remain silent for the rest of the game.
All right! Let's get back to the journey, then!
And our party has another member! Time to rearrange the inventory and throw/sell the useless stuff. After this, we’re attacked by a phantom enemy that unfortunately curses Black Cat with the “possessed” effect I mentioned in the previous update, however because I’m greedy…I mean thrifty we’ll not return to the hospital to heal the “disease”. Checking around the town for something new, that it’s found:
”but I would stress to you young kids, don’t play for more than 2 hours, anything excessive is no good. Parents Opposing Obsession Plan”.
Another 4th wall break, and more specifically, the shadowy guy of the right, he’s a merchant that sell stuff that only Jeff can use, more concretely explosives or Bottle Rocket , an uber-broken item with several degrees of cheesiness, so powerful it’s not recommended to use. The next stop is…
Odd, that tent wasn’t here before, right? Why is that?
OH FUCK!! IT’S A DAEMONICALLY POSSESED TENT!
And another mid-boss battle, despite the tent has somewhat powerful attacks (biting away like 35 hp for every of its attacks), it’s no rival to our party full arsenal, falling 4 turns after burning most of the PP in attacking. After defeating it:
Another plot device! Now if we had something to stop the zombies… And suddenly, after several steps to the north, someone calls Codex:
”I just wanted to let you know that I finished a pretty unique invention. I'm not sure if it will help you or not... It's called "Zombie Paper," and it can be used to trap zombies. It works kind of like fly paper... All you need to do is place the paper on the floor of a tent or something... You've seen at least one tent around, right? And then the zombies get stuck to the paper when they move around inside the tent. You can catch a lot of zombies this way... In fact, I bet you could get rid of all the zombies that are terrorizing the area with this paper! Anyway, I just asked the Mach Pizza delivery man to deliver the Zombie Paper to you, Codex. You should get it pretty soon. I've never actually seen a zombie, but if there really are any, Zombie Paper would be very useful... I'll be calling you if I come up with anything else... *Click!* Beeeeep! ”
Speaking of convenient plot devices… At least the pizza guy shows up quickly:
He wanted me to deliver this to someone named Codex who is wandering around Threed. No one else knows about this, right? Let's just pretend that you're Codex, and I'll give this to you.
But I AM Codex…
Oh! Hello, Codex! Just go along with me on this one, okay. I made the decision that you're Codex, no matter what... That's right, Codex... *wink, wink* I've done my duty and given you Apple Kid's thingamajig... Well, goodbye!
*double facepalms*
Let’s just use the macguffin in the resistance’s tent, before my head hurts too much. After this, the party goes to rest to the nearby hotel, waiting for the cutscene to happen.
The next day, we check the results:
Unfortunately retards are a real and much worse plague than zombies, but that’s life…
In any case, the ladder protected by the zombies is free, so we move on oncemore, looting everything in our path of righteousness…
But our party is interrupted by a weird monster:
But actually, you're just a commoner! I am the mortal enemy of your kind.”
And the gross thing attacks, again, nothing dangerous except a stinkful breath that causes all of the characters to cry due the odour. After exiting the maze, a man comments us about having seen a strange village, called Saturn Valley, where we go exterminating all the pests in our path (such as armored frogs, Farm zombies, red ants, and anything that looks ugly.
Several minutes walking, we enter Saturn Valley:
http://rpgmusic.org/earthbound/saturn-valley-caverns
Great, now xenos, a strange and incomprehensible hivemind with either the Universe’s worst village’s layout or one our feeble minds cannot understand, because for some reason there are ladders that lead to nowhere, tunnels with no reason to be and more. Fortunately they heal us for free and sell weapons, so we rearm ourselves with Bionic Slingshots and other cooler stuff. Some of the “citizens”’s interesting comments are:
”'BaSE BEHinD GRaPEfRUit fallS. PaSSwORD? i tEll.BElcH man say "Say PaSSwORD." tHEn StanD Still, wait fOR tHREE minUtES. ”
Okay, now we can continue and finally meet that Belch. On the way, the stalking photographer shows again:
The next thing to do is efectively wait for 3 minutes in real time until you can pass.
http://rpgmusic.org/earthbound/belchs-factory
The factory is again another maze with good stuff and loaded with enemies. Some of the slimes’s inanities:
Some minutes later, our travel is once more interrupted by something:
”Uhh… Baseball?”
42?
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn?
Slime: Stop babblering! Say the password! …Someone so quiet is either extremely shy or extremely dangerous… What a suspicious fellow!
And it charges, being killed a few moments later for his foolishness.
Aaaand, here it is, Belch:
NOTE: I’ll link a video with the dialogue and the following battle using Bottle rockets, just to show you how overkill these are; in a standard battle Belch survives 5 rounds without me using any of the powerful powers the party has. And despite is not mentioned anywhere, I believe that Belch and co are a cruel parody to the over-used slimes of jrpgs such as Dragon Quest and stuff. And the Mr. Saturn's odd font is based on Shigesato Itoi's daughter's writing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWe_uGzdIF8
And that’s all for now! See you in the next update!