In Progress Let's Play: Fallen Gods

[Hag]

She kind of looks like a girl I've known.
Kill her.

 

[Cohesion]

'Go meet this ghost' is a god HP check, 'seek the lost folk' is god wits + HP, sending the wolf checks her HP.

How do you know this? Savescumming?
Otherwise fucking good LP and game.

 

[Tyranicon]

It will probably cost us dear but... suffer not the witch to live.

 

[Darth Roxor]

'Go meet this ghost' is a god HP check, 'seek the lost folk' is god wits + HP, sending the wolf checks her HP.

How do you know this? Savescumming?

Stats to be checked are highlighted when mouseovering options in events.

She kind of looks like a girl I've known.

Same here lol.

 

[lightbane]

Go with her. There's probably a sex card here!

 

[Darth Roxor]

Spoiler

Mr Manly from the Swedish folk song was also beset by a lusty witch. He had the sense and virtue to not fall for her wiles. How will Norse Jesus fare?

There was a tie whether to kill her or go in, so I decided to take the midway option and first make her swear she'll not harm us.

always been a gamblin' man, rolled them bones with either hand

U WOT

The witch promised Mr Manly a golden sword, twelve steeds and twelve fine mills, and he still declined. Meanwhile she didn't even promise us a white shirt and only responded with more false talk.

In other words, I've had enough of her bullshit. No longer will you defile the plains with your presence, witch!

Hmmm, this may be rough.

This is largely the same shade encounter as the last time, except they are now leader-boosted and accompanied by the witch, who also looks strong.

But this time we're at full strength and ready to kick ass.

I decide to set the god against the witch to make use of his OP defence bonuses from items.

The witch does some stupid magic attack that leaves the god cursed!

(I thought the curse was caught in this screenie but apparently not)

Gudleif and wolferoni are in a bit of a pickle, but I decide to focus fire the witch with Hilda and Njal. Her death will likely kill shades as well, just as it was with the wizard in the cave.

But it actually turns out that she can't slurp on the shades like the wizard, and so her death kills off ALL her minions. God with maiden support does some yuge domoges.

That's an elaborate death animation.

Huzzah!

Everyone's pretty beaten up though.

It is good that she is dead.

14 gold, hack silver, party-wide morale boosts and 5 souls with no drawbacks other than a curse. Not bad!

Seeing as there doesn't seem to be anything too interesting in the vicinity of the swamp, I turn back south.

food for 2 days = good haul of meat

I decide to stop by the jarl's villa to heal up.

Stupendous! Free soul AND curse removal!

Also, 'you feel the warmth of wool above your chest' with Hilda around... those Norse women sure are manly.

Let's move on.

We arrive without incident.

Nothing special to be had here.

I grab a churl, but definitely not for his club.

Thanks to him we'll get 6 more food while paying with hack silver. I then get some more with gold and look for tidings.

meh

Perhaps I will yet lift the woe of these downtrodden volk.

Hm!

It feels like this meagre info and all the failed rolls were not worth the fud spent...

Whatever, let's hit the road to this cave that we've heard of before.

At 3-depth this should be over with fairly quickly.

Ugh. A god's work is never done.

This may be annoying but shouldn't be too hard.

God opens with a crit on the big shard.

And so does Ilsa, killing the small shard outright!

I'd like to clear out the smaller ones first.

Back whence you came!

Feels like this got us much more wounded than it should have.

And dungeon pest control, as always, brings us nothing

Before advancing to the final event, I heal Gudleif in case he has to facetank something.

Monsters of rock!

The Lur stirs men's hearts, and it seems it stirred this troll too.

My ears!

Killing the troll on equal footing is out of the question with our current party. Listening to its song is a HP check for either the god or Gudleif. With the god's 3 HP this is also rather out of the question.

Gudleif probably didn't expect to facetank in this way when I healed him up.

His 6 HP should have a good enough chance of succeeding, though.

... famous last words

yeah this time I'm rerolling this shit

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

... well this was a gud deal innit

We shall not speak of Landsbreach again.

motherfuckers

I decide to pay them off with hack silver because otherwise the stupid wolf would surely die again.

Obviously this leaves Hilda very upset because well try to understand womyn.

Welcome to Steindale.

It's another generic hillstead. The only thing of worth we can really get here are tidings, although it's just now that I realise I maybe should have gotten a disposable churl shield.

hue

Touring the coast is our only real course of action. I also decided to heal the wolf with HH, just in case. Since we're now considerably low on time, I don't want to waste more days on healing just a single party member.

While on the way to Glothwych, we run into some place of interest.

They won't let my fetch match them.

Such half-breeds cannot be trusted.

Don't let them make a fool of you.

'Bid a brother to follow you' is a god wits check. The others are obvious.

I think it's only natural for Norse Jesus to win the worship of these racemixers.

First is the speed challenge. We can let anyone take part except the wolf. God is the obvious choice.

Sigh.

Shamefur dispray.

A slow mind is even worse than slow feet.

Since Hilda is now upset, she wouldn't be able to wrestle Styrkr even if we wanted that. Which we obviously don't.

The god steps forth again.

Take that, churl!

It's 1:1. Will the god's hunger prevail in this game of hungry hungry hippos?

lol

Reminds me of one Asterix sports game where one of the challenges was timed feasting.

Still, we won 2 souls fair and square while only losing one level of morale for Hilda. Not bad.

We'll continue to Glothwych in the next update.

This part of the map looks like it could be interesting, with three settlements, a cave and some barrow downs. I'll try to take the route ahead as outlined, unless anyone has any objections.

 

[Strange Fellow]

Shamefur dispray from Gudleif. He wouldn't last five minutes on the panel of Cloudlands Got Talent.

 

[Taka-Haradin puolipeikko]

Foolish churls didn't know how to win in competition against gods, unlike trolls in Peter Madsen's Valhalla 5.

 

[Demo.Graph]

I've just realised.

Spoiler

 

[lightbane]

Shame the troll is hostile. That song would do wonders for our cause.

 

[Darth Roxor]

Spoiler

Continuing on our tour of the fjords.

Nothing much to do in Glothwych, but I make some use of this pitstop by hiring a churl and buying some fud.

And of course, tidings.

DAS GOLD

oh

Ears.

In trees.

Oof, also pretty far away.

Now what the hell is this.

lol

Would that these trees could all be killed.

Wood needed.

No way I'm spending 2 days cutting them down, but I suppose speaking to them should be decently harmless?

My old mother said gold could be found by such ears.



Trivia time, this species of fungus is actually called Jew's ear.

'Ask for gold' checks god's wits, 'threaten them' is might.

"Words" is a derivative of wits. We have nothing to boost our words anyway.

Wooo!

Not exactly what was expected.

The earth gives forth goodness!

nice flip-flopping right there, Njal

It's as sweet as honey!

That is good sap.

The sap healed up everyone (unfortunately this was largely wasted because only the god was missing 1 hp) and also upped their morale by 1 - very nice given that Hilda was upset.

After this nice detour, we move on to the village of Our Wang.

Unfortunately along the way some assholes decide to rob us.

The results are obvious.

Never say no to free stuff.

Zomg!



I know where this is heading.

But before checking what the fuss is about, I hit the tidings depot.

We are definitely going there.

The tiding stocks are empty, sire.

Show me to the headman!

It is not fit for a god to leap at a woman's word.

She is hardly worth this strife.

'Lift the stone' checks god's might.

However, Norse Jesus is a firm believer in monogamous relationships, and he will not betray his waifu Hilda for some fussy thot of disputable repute.

Let us move.

Since there's a barrow close to that dried up corpse, I decide to give it a look as well.

Do not linger among these things.

Given our experience from the last time we ran into a wizard, I have no wish to wait for this guy to wake up. Especially since it'll take a day and we have only 30 left. Any time wasted now will be extremely precious.

The ? dead ? guy won't be needing all those cool goth accessories that lie about his barrow though

afffff

A curse seems like a good price for an item.

Now to get us some Adidas.

'Search the body' is a god wits check. How ridiculous.

What could be so hard about pulling down some deader's shoes?

FFS

Yes, poison also seems like a good price for an item

Let us inspect all this newfound booty.

This may come in handy.

Free +2 speed!

*Slobber*

I would never put such things on my feet!

Like I'd even give them to you lmao

We've learnt there's some songbridge lore to be had here. The old fighter in Glothwych spoke of it as well.

Grim stuff. No special options, so the lore must be hidden somewhere else. In tidings, surely.

But first, I get rid of the god's curse.

It costs 1 HP to burn it away and takes no time, so it would be dumb not to do it.

Now for them tidings.

It seems they won't be giving away the location of the Halbech missiles that easily

Also acceptable.

We may come by there soon actually.

Yeah, we've met already. Heh heh.

Zomg!!!

"Only" go to a songstone with 30 souls...



Maybe if I hadn't warded up the Ormson's barrow and healed ourselves with HH a million times, this would have been feasible.

Still, there's more.

Yes, we are going there for sure.

No lore deep enough.

Well, men. We have 27 days left. The game reminds us of the impeding twilight of the god by changing the world to sunsetty colours.

We closed two of the direct ways of going back home - we euthanised Karringar and spent way too many souls on bullshit to raise the Songbridge. It would take a miracle to get 19 more souls in this time.

The only option left on the table that looks in any way like a victory objective is Ormson. Refurnishing his barrow takes quite a bit of effort and resources, so I will eat my shoes if that doesn't lead to anything good.

We still miss a sword for that asshole, however. Hopefully we can get the Deadblade from the nearby barrow that we've learnt about - assuming of course that it's a sword and not a toothpick.

But first I take a detour to this cave in the hopes that it might hold something of interest. It's so close anyway that we might as well.

Before entering I also bought some food in Aurvang and healed the god with HH. Pretty sure we no longer need to be any conservative on the soul count.

Onward!

can't see shit, cap'n

Daring the hall checks god's wits. Listening to the bats highlights the wurmskin cloak, so I obviously take that.

Seagulls, bats, same shit. I don't care as long as it leads us deeper.

'Kilroy wuz here'

'Show them you mean no harm' is a wits check. And well, we do mean them no harm, so let's try that.

if you don't mind my saying

I think you're out of aces

I feel I'm going to strongly regret not rerolling this, so I do.

This is what I get for attempting diplomacy

We've been ambushed. This means the wights all get a free round of attacks.

Jorek falls before we can even react.

The rest are fairly manageable though. These cavewights are a bit tougher than the bogwights back in the swamp.

now I strongly regret rerolling oh well

Sigh.

DRAGON TEETH

'Go on' is a god wits check again. Seeing as it's the only real option, I take it.

do you believe?

Neptune's navel, that was a close one.

Time for the final event in this cave.

I sure as hell am not giving these aliens my gold, and I also sure as hell am not attacking with our weaksauce wounded warband.

Sometimes... you just gotta cut your losses and flee.

That's right, heh, I didn't need that gold anyway.

Well. Not bad despite not accomplishing much.

Let's see what this is all about.

But as we go towards the barrow, something appears right next to it.

Sleeping in gold-laden nests, sated vultures dream no death.

Its flesh is flush with stolen life.

'Offer your flesh as bait' checks god speed. 'Ask what it knows' checks wits and highlights the wurmskin cloak.

I don't know how baiting this bird could be any useful to us, while we're still in dire need of more info, so I opt to speak to it.

Talking to seagulls is always the best option.

We need neither another maiden nor more might. Gold... could potentially be useful, but there are entire barrow downs to the NW that will surely hold a lot of it. How about dis Thorn...

We're definitely going there.

I bid farewell to the lammergeier and proceed to the trollslayer's barrow.

Here's a terrible moral conundrum for you, men.

The odds of finding another troll somewhere are low. The odds of killing it are extremely low. And even if we did that, we'd still have to return to this guy to tell him of our exploits to get the Deadblade which we need for the Ormson, and we have only 23 days left.

Shall Norse Jesus do the foulest deed imaginable and lie to this good trollslayer to obtain his hoard?

 

[Jaedar]

Thorn sounds like a weapon, and a better one at that. But do we have time to make it back to Ormsons barrow (and then a few days to spare in case we then need to go somewhere before winning)?

Lying is bad, but if it is our only option then we must realize that the undivining of a god is worse.

 

[Darth Roxor]

Thorn sounds like a weapon, and a better one at that. But do we have time to make it back to Ormsons barrow (and then a few days to spare in case we then need to go somewhere before winning)?

We do, because we have space marine drop pods on our side, as you will see in the future once they're needed.

 

[Luka-boy]

Don´t lie. Njal would be disappointed.

 

[Jaedar]

Thorn sounds like a weapon, and a better one at that. But do we have time to make it back to Ormsons barrow (and then a few days to spare in case we then need to go somewhere before winning)?

We do, because we have space marine drop pods on our side, as you will see in the future once they're needed.

Then let us be a good person and not lie to the nice ghost.

 

[Brancaleone]

Yeah, gud god for the win

 

[Hag]

Lying doesn't befit Godhood. Leave the ghost be.

 

[lightbane]

Don't lie.

 

[Darth Roxor]

Spoiler

(picture number 666!)

You wouldn't try to bullshit your way to my hoard, would you?

Well...

You wouldn't even think about it, would you?

Uhhh... Of course, Mr Stone Kold Killa!

Good.

He's gonna wait a while, alright.

Figuring now is the time to go full retard on our yuge soulhoard, I heal the wolf before moving to the next barrow.

The twilight approaches as we wander through this world.

I decided to heal the god too before entering the next barrow. The time for trying our luck is over.

Our last attempts at draug diplomacy have taught me everything I know.

This thing is an abomination unto life itself. It deserves only to be cut down.

*SLASH!*

Well. We got a free gold ring for the effort.

We can hack it up for gold (which we desperately need for the Ormson), but for now I hold on to it. We'll make better use of it yet.

Now let's see what this is about. Sounds like free money.

Along the way I get lost in the forest, which makes us lose a day for nothing

Huh.

Don't let him wheedle away what's yours by right.

'Let him keep it all' is a wits check, splitting checks nothing, driving him out is might.

Norse Jesus would never abide such grave robbery, therefore we shall kick this looter out and take the goods for ourselves so that we may return them to their rightful owners!

'Threats' is derived from might.

Lol, and what are you going to do mr thiaf? Try to solo me?

FFFFFFFFF

RUN THE CUR DOWN!

GROOVING!

Pretty cool. Thorn is a sword that gives a general attack bonus of 1, but it also apparently does extra damage against mens.

As confirmed by comrade Tooltip. I guess it also has a penalty vs wights, but fortunately we shouldn't be meeting any more of them.

Seeing as we have only 2 bits of fud left, I hunt sum.

These fucking days are slipping through my fingers at an alarming rate.

We now have almost everything we need to get back to the Ormson. We have a sword and armour, but we still lack 4 gold to bedeck his barrow, which means we'll have to keep exploring.

'But mr Roxorowski, why not hack up that gold ring for BIG MONIES?' you ask.

The answer is simple. But first we must dive back to the brighter days of screenshot no. 265...

~RETROLUXIA~

'Beshrived by priest, besung by skald, betrothed to maiden'.

We have a priest and a maiden, but we lack a skald. Fortunately, we can hire one at the jarl's castle, which is very close to the Ormson. And we can do it for either 10 gold or an arm ring. That's why I'm holding on to it.

~/RETROLUXIA~

Now let's move towards that runestone with the riddle, since it's along the way anyway.

Unraveling this riddle will test our wits, and Njal chimes in that he'll help us with it. That means it'll be a lore check.

Lore is a stat derived from wits. Priests help with it.

Stupendous!

We gained 1 max HP for the bargain price of 1 soul. Not bad.

the answer to the riddle was:

Spoiler

urmom, lmao

We have 16 days left. We've actually almost managed to visit the entire world since the start of our journey! Quite an achievement.

However, we still have a long way to go, and a short time to get there.

This is why we are going to start employing our secret weapon.

Funnily enough, we haven't made a single use of the Wild Heart skill yet in this run, whether in or outside events.

Wild Heart lets you teleport to any tile within any continuous forest that you're currently standing in for 1 soul. For maximum time savings, and for maximum paranoia vs getting lost in forests, I decide to teleport to the edge of these woods to get to the final barrow of this area.

The party is swallowed by up roots.

And spit out in the target destination.

Wots over hier then.

The very idea of such degenerate rituals involving HOOMAN SACRIFICE of waifus leaves Norse Jesus smoldering with generic rage.

He is not just Norse Jesus, but also Norse Abe Lincoln, and he shall free the slaves!

(especially since there's no way we can spare a day here for whatever good it might get us)

The yokels are hopping mad! Mad enough to bring their buddy back from the great beyond!!

Well.

This should be manageable.

Thorn shows its weight immediately as the god whacks the fighter for half his hp.

Then I let Ilsa loose on the churls. Getting rid of these pesky weaklings that get free hits in seems like a good idea.

Of course the other fighter attacks Ilsa (he can't do anything else).

I order Njal to club the skald to death since he looks puny.

The fucking draug engages Ilsa too. I hoped that he'd go for the god, who can tank a fuckton of punishment with the wurmskin cloak and Oraekja's Folly.

God kills the fighter dead.

Njal purges the wicked skald.

And the wolf is about to die for the third time this run.

Yep, she hits the dirt right after the god's churl.

I skip Njal's turn because he'll just get wrecked.

The draug engages the god, but we can shrug it off easily.

Supported by Hilda, Njal and the god deliver yuge domoges on the draug.

He goes back to the dirt soon enough.

And finally the god ends this fight with a crit on the fighter.

SLAM!

This had better be worth it.

Njal is not amused about wrecking this party, but fuck him. It gave us all the gold we needed for the Ormson, and a new maiden (with borked morale that soon unborks) that is patently useless to us at this point.

Obviously I raise the wolf back to life - we didn't enjoy that extra HP from the riddlestone for too long - and heal the god back to full.

Next update, we'll see if 14 days are enough for Norse Jesus to catch his last train home.

 

[Haba]

Filthy sordinn kallar ragann. *spits* Your shame knows no bounds.

Here set I up a curse-pole, and this curse I turn on cuck Roxor and queen Maxie. *turns the horse's head landwards* This curse I turn also on the guardian-spirits who dwell in this land, that they may all wander astray, nor reach or find their home till they have driven out of the land cuck Roxor and Maxie.

 

[ERYFKRAD]

Filthy sordinn kallar ragann. *spits* Your shame knows no bounds.

Here set I up a curse-pole, and this curse I turn on cuck Roxor and queen Maxie. *turns the horse's head landwards* This curse I turn also on the guardian-spirits who dwell in this land, that they may all wander astray, nor reach or find their home till they have driven out of the land cuck Roxor and Maxie.

Lmao lookit this seidr here

 

[Darth Roxor]

Filthy sordinn kallar ragann. *spits* Your shame knows no bounds.

Here set I up a curse-pole, and this curse I turn on cuck Roxor and queen Maxie. *turns the horse's head landwards* This curse I turn also on the guardian-spirits who dwell in this land, that they may all wander astray, nor reach or find their home till they have driven out of the land cuck Roxor and Maxie.

i don't want to alarm you, but wizardry is associated with effeminacy in norse tradition

 

[Strange Fellow]

Finally, another maiden to keep Njal's sleeping bag warm at night. Nobody can say he hasn't earned it.

 

[ERYFKRAD]

Finally, another maiden to keep Njal's sleeping bag warm at night. Nobody can say he hasn't earned it.

That was a lot of work for something that can be achieved by just sleeping closer to the fire.

 

[Strange Fellow]

Finally, another maiden to keep Njal's sleeping bag warm at night. Nobody can say he hasn't earned it.

That was a lot of work for something that can be achieved by just sleeping closer to the fire.

But can the fire also do the cooking?

wait, don't answer that