!-Technical Upgrade-!
Small portrait of The Codex (the one visible on the right side of the screen) will now have different background - that will make it easier for us all to see his wounds.
See my wounds better? You people are all sadisitic fucks!
Right. Before we embark on another epic journey, there's something we forgot to do:
Back to the Temple of Wisdom.
Note: this screenshot was surprisingly difficult to take, because the priest lady runs like crazy, back and forth (especially with game speed at 60FPS), often hiding in fog of war.
The Codex shares some of his wealth with the temple.
What? WHY?
Consider it an investment. You may spend a couple of thousand gold at the temple, but that will cut more than 15 000 of the price of Robe of Neutral Archmagi. Not mentioning other items.
I like this plan. Let's donate some more!
Not wanting to spend all the gold, we stop at +3 reputation for the moment. (I like how the game tries to 'hint' us to go to Nashkel already.)
That gives us a reasonable 14.
I'm popular now, People will be recognising me on the streets!
Don't count on that too much.
We head to the area south of High Hedge.
Why exactly have we come here? What's so special about this place?
Uh, nothing, I guess. It just happens to be the shortest way to our true destination.
Oh, great, filler content. Wake me up when it's over.
The Codex is not that far from another level up.
I'm bored with cave bear being my most triumphant victory. Let's find something stronger to kill!
Finding it is not the problem. We'll have to actually defeat it too.
Ha! Leave that to me!
Oh, I will, don't worry.
Our search for powerful enemies is quickly confronted by reality.
Are Thalantyr's skeletons migrating south? Is it fall already?
Skeletons have a nasty 50% resistance to piercing weapons, which means The Codex is rarely able to destroy them with arrows, before they get close.
Not that it helps them much.
That journey was more tiring than I've realised, let's rest a bit.
Ok.
We move on after the rest.
Look, another skeleton.
Stupid skeleton! If you migrated a bit faster, you wouldn't die now!
Technically...
Don't even start with un-undeadening. You're not half as funny as Merkwürdigliebe.
You hurt my feelings.
I would hurt you much more than that, if you happened to appear within my bow's range.
Hobgoblins!
What exactly are those things, anyway?
Not sure. I think they may be half-goblins, half-humans.
Oooh. That's disgusting. Who would want to screw a goblin?
Half-ogres also exist, as do ogrillons, which are half-orcs, half-ogres.
This world in one sick place!
A wolf!
Exciting...
Some skeletons decide to crash the party.
There sure are a lot of them here. Winter must be coming pretty fast this year.
Will you stop with the skeleton migration thing?
Not until I find better explanation.
Hobgoblins!
No! That's it! I'm bored to tears and refuse to move on unless you make it entertaining!
Calm down. How about I let play with magic a bit?
Hell yeah!
Let's try putting those hobgoblins to sleep, then.
Whatever has to be done to avoid putting me to sleep.
Not even mentioning the audience.
The Codex casts his first combat spell. Truly, a moment worth remembering.
Your mockery shall surely be remembered. And you'll pay for it someday.
But it seems that hobgoblins have scattered and not one of them was affected.
The Enraged Codex goes all medieval on them.
This is for spoiling my magical debut, you half-goblin pile of turd!
Skeletons. Please, don't mention...
Yup, definitely winter must be coming soon.
Yeah, that. THANKS.
There must be another explanation for all these skeletons here.
Even if there is, we might never discover it.
Five steps to the north, it turns out this is the Bassilus area. I completely forgot about that guy.
So, it wasn't seasonal migration after all.
We try to reason with Bassilus, but to no avail. No surprise here. This is Baldur's Gate, not Fallout.
Oh fuck, that's a lot of enemies.
Yes, too many for The Codex to handle, it seems.
Death count: 16
Reloading.
Since I didn't expect Bassilus here, I also didn't save the game right before meeting him. We have to repeat some earlier skull-bashing.
More like skull-slashing. But yeah, it doesn't sound so good.
Ouch! Mother-fucker!
Try not to die, please.
It's a victory, but we have to use a healing potion.
After a quick 72-hour rest, we move on.
We approach Bassilus from another side. No futile talking this time.
We try to pawn Bassilus with a barrage of arrows, but he manages to cast Rigid Thinking on The Codex. Not too good.
Whoa. What's going on?
I think... I should go... this way.
The idea itself is not that bad, but a zombie follows. Plus The Codex passes a dread wolf on the way.
Ow. Dude, that wasn't cool...
Death count: 17
Load game.
That was... weird. Just a single fixed thought in my head. That must be what MMO players feel like.
I have a new plan how to defeat Bassilus. We'll charm him.
Sounds reasonable... except the part WHERE I HAVE NO ARMOR DURING THE FIGHT.
Oh, don't worry, I will equip you your armour right after you cast the spell, before the actual bashing and slashing begins.
Isn't that, you know, exploiting the game?
Your point being?
Forget I said anything.
The Codex approaches cautiously and casts Charm as soon as Bassilus is in range.
Unfortunately, it fails.
Dammit!
Bassilus counters with Rigid Thinking again, but The Codex resists.
Can't fool me twice! Uh, I better retreat a bit.
Bassilus follows, along with a pet zombie.
I will shoot you in the...
Bassilus paralyzes The Codex and the zombie starts raping our helpless hero. I wonder howl this wil end.
Yeah. Surprising.
Death count: 18
Reloading.
I feel... violated.
Were You aware the whole time?
Yes!
Sucks to be you. Let's try charming Bassilus again.
I don't think I like this plan anymore.
It's the only one we've got. Get to it.
The Codex once again unleashes his charming personality on Bassilus.
Again, it doesn't work. Maybe you're just too ugly, Codex?
I hate you so much!
Bassilus's Rigid Thinking works flawlessly this time, though.
Where am I?
In deep shit.
Bassilus: 4:0 The Codex
Death count: 19
Load game.
Are you now convinced that this tactics is shit?
No. Let's try it again.
Why would it work this time, if it failed in the previous two attempts!?
You know what they say: three's a charm.
I'll fucking kill you someday!
Please, let it work this time!
Yes!
You can say that it worked like a charm.
I SWEAR TO ALL KNOWN GODS, I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU IF YOU DON'T STOP WITH THE FUCKING PUNS!
Ok, ok, calm down. I promise to restrain myself.
We tell Bassilus to cast entagle right next to him and retreat a bit, coming back a few moments later. We find Bassilus being raped by his own army of darkness.
His screams of pain and terror are the most wonderful music for my ears.
Let's put him out of his misery.
I thought you'll never ask!
One arrow in the back does just that. Double good news: not only is Bassilus killed, but also The Codex levels up.
We're doing so good, I'm starting to suspect something fishy.
Gibberlings!
Aah! Whe... You fucker. I'll get you for that someday.
Let's focus on the mopping up.
A zombie here.
A skeleton there.
And another one.
And another...
Geez, how many of these things did that goddamn priest raise?
More than a just skeleton crew, it seems.
Read my lips: FUCK. YOU.
I hope that's the last one.
Wishful thinking.
Die, crumble to dust, whatever, just get out of my sight!
Oh, look, there's one more.
There! Cleared!
Nope. Apparently you missed one.
Fuuuuuuck!
Down! Down! Down! Any fucking more skeletons around?
No, looks like that was really the last one.
Good. I don't want to see another one for a very long time.
I'm sure we won't have to fight them again anytime soon.
Time for another dual mage/thief level up.
The Codex is now able to cast level 2 spells. Well, one spell anyway.
I rule, baby!
Bassilus has topped the cave bear as our most prestigious prey. Also, The Codex' favourite spell is Sleep, for some reason.
I rule, baby!
Yeah, let's rest, so you can regain your spells and identify stuff picked up from Bassilus' corpse.
I rule... 'kay.
The Codex' rest is interrupted by skeletons!
To be honest, that looks more like a dread wolf to me.
You must be mistaken. Just read the event description in dialog box.
Fuck you. I can't see the interface and you know it.
Ok, ok. Whatever woke You up, just kill it.
No problem!
Wow, You've come a long way since first encounter with dread wolves, haven't you?
Yes. I have.
You know, that one encounter when they tore you to liitle pieces with their jaws and you screamed like a little girl, and...
You are really pushing your luck today, you know?
Nothing interrupts The Codex' rest this time.
Our first magic item, and already a +2 one. This is a very nice hammer that does at least 5 damage (+ strength bonus and other stuff) with each hit. Unfortunately, The Codex doesn't have proficiency with this kind of weapon, nor does he plan to have it in the future.
What are you trying to say? No Crom Faeyr love for The Codex?
And Gauntlets of Fumbling, which will severely bite you in the ass if you try to immediately equip every magical item found (unlike the gender change belt, which is more of a warning not to try this approach) and identify stuff before. It's kind of a lost art too - current games either don't let you equip unidentified items at all (lame), or items' magical abilities don't work until they're identified (lame too, unless explained in-universe), or you immediately know every magical property of every item you find (even more lame).
If you're done with the nostalgia attack, can we move on?
Oh, sorry. Yes, let's go.
Look, an opportunity to prove You're really not afraid of dread wolves anymore.
Let me at 'em!
Die, foul beasts!
I'm impressed. They haven't even scratched you.
As you should be. I'm just that awesome.
A few moments later we find Melicamp - a wizard turned into a chicken after some sort of failed magical experiment (I think the implication is that gauntlets of fumbling had something to do with it).
He won't speak to us until we kill the wolf that's supposedly chasing him.
I don't see any wolves here.
Must've got stuck somewhere around. You know how crappy the Infity Engine pathfinding can be.
Oh, trust me,
I know.
Ah, there it is.
Down you go!
Do you remember that time when a single wolf...
No! And don't remind me!
A typical example of 'humorous' dialogue from Baldur's Gate.
I think the hamster line is pretty funny, in the right context.
Mmm... delicious, tender meat.
You are
not eating Melicamp.
I bet he tastes like chicken.
Zombies. You should be safe, Codex. They are only interested in people with brains, I heard.
That joke was so lame that it crossed the event horizon of lameness and is now in another universe.
Boom! Headshot!
That wasn't even close to the head, I saw it.
Keep talkin'. Someone might even care someday.
Cave bear. We like those, don't we?
Gotta love those slow-moving level-ups!
And he's down! Easiest earned XP since... well, the previous cave bear.
What kind of weird wolves are those?
Worgs.
What's the exact difference between them and other types of wolves?
Why should I know? Can you just kill them already?
Sure I can.
We meet Zergal (and his two friends). He has simple needs and goes straight to the point. That's kinda respectable.
I'll show them respect by cutting their heads off!
Poison! Quick, cure yourself!
Well, shit.
Death count: 20
Reloading.
I'm thinking, maybe I should approach them with more caution.
Let's do that.
We stop when seeing the first hobgoblin. He's not the one initiating dialogue, so we are able to back off, and circle around them, looking for a weak spot.
Zergal is lured away from his heteresexual (I presume) life peratners.
Yes, yes, com'ere. Uncle Codex has some candy for ya.
DIE! DIE! DIE!
You scare me sometimes, you know.
Zargal drops a nice sword. We'll identify it later.
Let's kill the others.
We approach Geltik.
Seriously, nobody fucking cares what these guy are called. You can stuff it with the names! Just call him goblin hobo #2!
'Geltik' is shorter.
Geltik panics after two shots and tries running away. To no avail, but that makes The Codex do a step forward..
...and get into Malkax' sight range.
He's the one that shoots poisonous arrows and was the cause od The Codex' death first time. We don't want to engage in an archery duel with him.
Chaaaarge!
Crap! Fucking hobo!
Just drink the cure and hold on in there!
Yeah...
Death count: 21
Loading game.
There must be some way to kill these guys other than charging in and swinging the sword around like fucking crazy Conan The Barbarian on a sugar rush.
You may be right.
We approach the edge of hobgoblins' sight range and The Codex casts sleep on their approximate location.
It seems to have worked just fine.
Slaughter time!
Mwahahahaha! Slaughter!
21 damage with a regular hit? That doesn't seem right.
Mwahahahaha!
Mwahahahaha! Die, fucking hobos!
You have one hell lot of negative emotions inside you, you know?
You say that just because I killed those two in their sleep, without any hint of remorse?
No, I say that, because you
had such a good time killing them in their sleep, without any hint of remorse.
Oh.
A few steps to the north, we encounter some bandits.
Luckily, only three of them. Not even that much of a delay.
Crap!
Apparently the game wants us to die of tediousness here, since after dispatching the bandits, we meet some ghouls no more than 10 feet further.
That's a load of bullshit! Why didn't those ghouls attack the bandits, if they were there all the fucking time? Are they some kind of gourmet ghouls that don't eat bald people?
One foul undead is destroyed.
But yet another one joins the party. The Codex is wounded and not wanting to be holdpersoned and eaten alive, he employs his Clever Retreat(TM) tactics.
After some running around, both ghouls are killed.
I'm sick and tired of running from monsters like these. When will I get my ring of freedom of movement?
Yeah, and which of current rings will you give up to wear it?
Well... Shit.
Exactly.
A quick 64-hour rest helps The Codex recover from his wounds.
Another worg is encountered.
Do we really have to relate every single monster encounter EVER in details?
Of course. If not for that, out noble audience would never be able to experience the
tediousness and boredom wonderful sense of adventure of traveling alone by yourself.
I think you should let them decide if they want to skip some of the weaker encounters that don't really add anything new.
So they would later ask me why You have 100 experience points more than You should have according to their calculations? Forget It!
I don't think you can keep this up. You will run out of comments pretty soon. Already there is a large drop in their quality.
I can always move on to puns.
Let me show you, what happens to you then:
THIS!
Oh, I'm so aghast of Your threats...
I'm warning you!
DON'T PISS ME OFF!
This last ghast drops a moderately useful spell scroll. It is also the last enemy in the area.
About fuckin' time.
Area completed!
But don't turn off your computers yet, for this is not the end of the update. We still have a chicken to deliver before we finish for today.
We travel back to High Hedge.
First, we sell some excess stuff. Remember when I mentioned Thalantyr buys almost everything? Here we see, that we can even sell Melicamp to him. Incidentally, this is the only way to direct financial profit from this quest.
I wonder what he would do with it... Mmm... chicken soup.
The Codex explains the situation to Thalantyr and is sent on a wild skull chase - Thalantyr needs a human skull to turn Melicamp back.
We need a skull?
Yes.
And where are we going to get it?
There are plenty of skeletons in the area, so we...
Skeletons.
Welll... yes.
Explain me,
please. Why
the fuck didn't we take a skull from one of the
three hundred skeletons I have destroyed today?
Were there any skulls to pick up?
No. There were
no skulls.
Well, there's Your answer.
No. That is not an answer. I want... No, I
demand to know WHY THERE NO FUCKING SKULLS TO PICK UP!?
Uh, maybe Bassilus bred a special kind of skull-less skeletons?
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
Ten minutes of paper-bag breathing later, we embark on a skull hunt.
Of course. Normally you can't walk three steps here without tripping over a horde of skeletons trying to kill you, but now, when I'm actually looking for some, I encounter fucking dogs.
I don't think these dogs are fornicating right now.
One more word. I dare you.
One. More. Word.
Die, bitches!
You didn't have to slaughter them poor dogs like that, we might have taken a different route.
Should have listened to me before. Now, suffer.
You can be a real dick sometimes.
We meet some skeletons,
eventually.
Remind me never to rescue any more chickens.
Our spirits are pretty low, but soon they're lifted - The Codex levels up!
Oh yeah!
That's quite enough of fighting skeletons for now, let me just take this skull here and let's go back to Thalantyr's place.
The Codex has reached 4th level in fighter class.
Slowly, The Codex' HP rises from 'horriabysmal' to 'really bad' level.
And whose fault is that?
Bassilus is still our fattest prey. Total number of kills has exceeded 300.
Those Spartans can suck it!
I didn't mean... Ok, whatever.
Thalantyr casts Antichickenator (gotta love the name) on Melicamp, essentially reincarnating him as a human. This spell can actually fail, which ends with bits and pieces of Melicamp spreaded all over the place.
I would so much like to see that! Can we load the game and...
No.
Completing this quest nets us sweet 2000 XP and a reputation point. Still want to load the game?
Who wants what where? Are you mad or something?
Thought so.
The short sword found on goblin hobo's #1 corpse turns out to be a pretty good +2 weapon. It should prove very useful in The Codex' backstabbing activity.
Can't wait to try it. Hey, how about I hide in shadows now, and check how many hitpoints does Thalantyr actually have?
Maybe later.
Promise?
No.
Not wanting to clutter the inventory, we sell the +2 warhammer.
This is still not the end. We have an unfinished bussiness to attend in this area.
Well, hello there, stubborn chest. Missed me?
Oh yeah! Who's the bitch now?
We find this pretty rare gem inside. It's worth 25 GP.
That's 25 GP closer to my robe of neutral archmagi!
We meet some skeletons on the way back...
I'm not even going to comment on that.
AND STAY DOWN!
We put Bassilus' holy symbol into our stash in FAI, together with Perdue's sword, which The Codex was carrying in case of backstab necessity.
This is still not the end (I know, I know, bear with me just a little longer). We're still onto some revenge:
I'm baaack!
This one's a bit more resistant, but is eventually defeated.
Yes! The Codex owns!
Unfortunately, when we try to rob the contents, guards are called.
That's fucking bullshit! The guy was asleep! Still is! Who supposedly called the fucking guards?
Being able to live without that chainmail and not wanting to lose our freshly gained reputation, we reload.
I wish you let me kick flaming butts of those guards before reloading.
There'll be opportunities for that later.
The second chest is also overcome with enough persistence.
Suck it, chest!
Nothing special inside, just another low-priced gem.
That's a little disappointing, but whatever. I kicked those chests' butts!
One last thing to do:
We donate some more money at the temple, three times (300+400+500 GP).
That's a lot of gold, but I guess it's for the greater cause - my robe of neutral archmagi!
I somehow knew You didn't mean charity.
This raises The Codex' reputation to 18 (already a 30% discount at stores) - maximum that can be achieved through donations. Getting the last two points from quests shouldn't be very hard.
And that (finally) is all for today!
------------------------------------------
Next time: The Codex meets some scantily clad ladies.
Hell yeah!
And they rape him to death, more than once.
HELL YEAH! Wait, what?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
!-Important Question-!
I would like to ask You, noble codexer audience, if You would mind a little rehash of The Codex' base stats. I specifically mean moving two points from Wisdom to Constitution, to provide our hero with a few more HP. I was a stupid dumbfuck at character creation, thinking that 16 (15+1) CON is optimal for multiclass fighter. Reality proved that he could really use those two additional points.
Even if You agree, I will not edit the save file in any way. I will just switch the 2nd and 3rd book of wisdom we find with books of constitution. That will still make us suffer through most of the game with crappy HP (gotta pay for mistakes of the youth), as well as ensure some kind of continuity.
If You don't agree - well, life sucks, and we will have to deal with it.