Vault Dweller
Commissar, Red Star Studio
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2003
- Messages
- 28,035
As I've mentioned in another thread, a talented editor has offered us his skills, and I like his contribution a lot. However, we've already established that I'm not an expert in anything that has something to do with creative writing, so I'm curious to see the Codex reaction.
Before:
Cassius was a relatively young loremaster, having recently celebrated his 42nd birthday. Unlike his gray-haired colleagues with long beards symbolizing wisdom, Cassius' hair was still black and his beard was a stylish black rectangle, symbolizing more interest in the opposite sex than in the dusty scrolls describing the tactical brilliance and numerious victories of one of the long dead emperors. Cassius had been waiting patiently for one of his gainfully employed colleagues to die, when Antidas' emissaries made him an offer he couldn't refuse.
After:
Cassius was young for a loremaster, having recently celebrated his 42nd birthday. Contrary to his aged colleagues, with their long beards and gray hair, his visage was relatively unlined, with a thick mane of black hair and a stylishly trimmed goatee. His preference for chasing after women instead of chasing after scrolls about long-gone battles fought by dead emperors was well-known in town. Cassius had been biding his time, waiting for one of his colleagues to retire or die, when Antidas' emissaries made him a business proposition he could not refuse.
...
Before:
Feng's exact age was undeterminable. He could only be described as old, usually followed by "bastard". It was commonly believed that Feng possessed and improved all sins known to man, but greed was definitely his favourite. Feng was the only resident of Teron who talked his way out of two assassination attempts, which gave him a supernatural aura and somehow improved his credibility as a loremaster. Half of the time
Feng blatantly lied, half of the time he seemed to know what very few people did. The problem was that one could never be sure when Feng lies and when he doesn't.
After:
Feng was old. None knew his exact age. Some people called him 'as old as the hills' and others called him 'old as dust' and everyone called him an 'old bastard'. And he was. Feng was reputed to have tried every sin known to man, mastered most of them, and even improved on some of them. He even had a reputation of being near-unkillable, having talked his way out of two assassination attempts. Most of the citizens of Teron thought that even Death herself was so intimidated at the idea of tallying Feng's sins that she let him wander the world well past his time, instead of gathering him home when she should have, fifty years ago or more. Rumors like this only helped his credibility as a loremaster, though. The trouble for his customers wasn't with his vices, though... It was that his lies were indistinguishable from his truths.
...
Before:
Dellar's appearance was misleading. He looked like a skinny, sad-looking scribe who would be the first to die in any fight. In reality the last two decades Dellar spent fighting for one cause or another, mastering the tricky art of killing your opponents before they can kill you. The highlights of his career included protecting caravans, raiding caravans a few years later, rotting in a dungeon and fighting for food scraps, being noticed and promoted into a gladiator, finally escaping to Teron and faithfully serving House Daratan ever since.
After:
Dellar was in some ways an enigma, with a story as intriguing as his appearance was deceptive. Arms that looked more suitable for pushing a pen than swinging a blade belied a wiry strength that had carried him through many a close-fought battle. With reflexes honed through two decades of mercenary work, where the first to strike a blow was usually the winner, Dellar was a master of taking advantage of others' underestimation. His colourful career was full of varied incidents; going from guarding caravans to raiding them in the space of a few years, followed by rotting in jail when he was captured mid-raid. Clawing his way up through the ranks of inmates until he was noticed by the powers-that-be and thrust into the gladiatorial ring, Dellar even managed the nigh-impossible, a daring escape from the gladitorial pits to Teron. There, he took service with House Darathan, with whom he has been serving ever since.
...
Before:
Look alive, boys. There are people in this fine town who need killing. Dias, an Aurelian's envoy is expected to arrive today and deliver an ultimatum to Lord Antidas. A bloody accident should befall him before he reaches Teron. Coltan, your expertise in poison is required in a delicate family situation. [charname], can you handle two people?
After:
Look alive boys. This is a business, not a social club. Dias! An Aurelian envoy is expected to arrive today to deliver an ultimatum to Lord Antidas. Open him up from ear to ear and destroy any missives he might be carrying. Make sure that you kill him before he makes it into town... We need to avoid any diplomatic incidents.
Coltan! There's a family in town that needs your delicate touch. Make it look like food poisoning or the flux, I don't care which. Just keep it quiet and natural-looking. The address and names are in this scroll. You remember how to read, right?
[charname]. I've got a treat in mind for you. Hah. Don't look so worried. I'm not going to gut you yet. Do you think you could handle two marks at the same time?
...
Before:
*the old man makes some noise and gestures weakly inviting you to come closer*
1. Approach
2. [streetwise] *you realize that you are completely off guard now, feeling safe... perhaps, too safe and off guard. You draw your weapons quickly just to see the reaction*
3. Leave
If 1 - You get closer and bend over the dying men, trying to understand the weak sounds escaping his throat. Suddenly, pain flashes through your entire body and you see a dagger in the no-longer-dying man's hand.
(combat starts, - 7 HPs)
If 2: The reaction is unexpected. The dying old man jumps from the bed in one fluid motion, showing experience and training, and pulls out a dagger. His rugs make a dull metal sound betraying some armor underneath. His "daughter" conjures a one-handed crossbow from somewhere, and starts aiming it in your direction.
(combat starts)
After:
*the old man makes a rattling, gurgling sound and weakly gestures you towards him*
1. Approach
2. [*streetwise*] *you realize that everything about this situation is a bit too pat. You're off guard and relaxed... Too relaxed. You draw your weapon quickly to see how the pair react.*
3. Leave
If 1: You stand beside the dying man, leaning in to try and understand the weak sounds escaping his throat. Suddenly, a shock of pain strikes you in your midsection. As you recoil, you see a stained dagger in the suddenly-lively man's hand.
(combat starts, -7 HP)
If 2. At the sight of your weapon, the man springs from the bed in one lightning-quick movement, dagger in hand. You can now see the glint of metal through the holes in his filthy rags. His 'daughter' produces a small crossbow from beneath the bed and points it at your head.
(combat starts)
...
Before:
Neleos is covered with blood, mostly his own. A nasty sword cut crosses his face with a bloody mess where his left eye used to be. The tough bastard still has enough self-control to smile. "It's been a long day, eh?" He winks with his good eye. "I'll rebuild the guild in Teron. It will take time though. If you need work, go to Maadoran or Ganezzar. I'll let the guildmasters know that you may stop by."
After:
Neleos is covered with blood, a great deal of it being his own. A nasty sword cut crosses his face, and there is a bloody mess where his left eye used to be. The tough bastard still has enough self-control to smile. "It's been a long day, eh?" He winks with his good eye. "Did Dias or Agatai make it? No? Well, I didn't think either of us would either. A shame though. I've rarely met men as competent as those two. We've been badly hurt by this business, but I'm going to restore the local guild. It will take time though. If you need work, go to Maadoran or Ganezzar. I'll let the guild masters know that you may stop by."
...
Before:
*The guards look at you without any interest and then, after a brief, but visible mental struggle, salute.
We are taking over the gate. Commander Carrinas' orders. *you hand the guard your order*
*another mental struggle* I think we'll stay and see what happens.
After:
As you approach the gate the pair of guards, wearing ill-kept armor and weapons showing some rust, watch your approach with minor interest. After a brief but noticable mental struggle, they recognize your armour, and produce a pair of lazy salutes.
The Imperial Guards, under the orders of Commander Carrinas, are hereby taking full responsibility for the manning of this post. You are relieved of your post. Deliver these orders to your captain. *You hand the guards the written copy of your orders*
*The guard looks with incomprehension at the written words. You realize that he is illiterate, and, judging by a slight stumble in his movements, he has been drinking while on duty as well.*
I think we'll just stay here and see what happens. We answer to Captain Falco, not you.
...
Before:
[disguise] Tell me about the merchant who rented the room. Name, trade, everything.
*Neleos raised an eyebrow, but said nothing and started going through his notes* Manius Cotta, originally from Atrion, caravan-master. He's here to discuss or, to be more specific, beg Linos to invest into a new caravan route.
After:
[disguise] Tell me about the merchant who rented the room. Name, trade, everything.]
*Neleos raised an eyebrow, but said nothing and started going through his notes* Manius Cotta, originally from Atrion, caravan-master. He's here to discuss or, to be more specific, beg Linos to invest into a new caravan route. Apparently business has been poor lately. He's got a wife, Arianna, two living children, Decius and Galenis, three dead children, none of them lived long enough to be named.... That's about all of interest.
...
That should be enough to form an opinion. So, what do you think?
PS. These examples represent less than 1% of the in-game text, so don't worry about spoiling.
Before:
Cassius was a relatively young loremaster, having recently celebrated his 42nd birthday. Unlike his gray-haired colleagues with long beards symbolizing wisdom, Cassius' hair was still black and his beard was a stylish black rectangle, symbolizing more interest in the opposite sex than in the dusty scrolls describing the tactical brilliance and numerious victories of one of the long dead emperors. Cassius had been waiting patiently for one of his gainfully employed colleagues to die, when Antidas' emissaries made him an offer he couldn't refuse.
After:
Cassius was young for a loremaster, having recently celebrated his 42nd birthday. Contrary to his aged colleagues, with their long beards and gray hair, his visage was relatively unlined, with a thick mane of black hair and a stylishly trimmed goatee. His preference for chasing after women instead of chasing after scrolls about long-gone battles fought by dead emperors was well-known in town. Cassius had been biding his time, waiting for one of his colleagues to retire or die, when Antidas' emissaries made him a business proposition he could not refuse.
...
Before:
Feng's exact age was undeterminable. He could only be described as old, usually followed by "bastard". It was commonly believed that Feng possessed and improved all sins known to man, but greed was definitely his favourite. Feng was the only resident of Teron who talked his way out of two assassination attempts, which gave him a supernatural aura and somehow improved his credibility as a loremaster. Half of the time
Feng blatantly lied, half of the time he seemed to know what very few people did. The problem was that one could never be sure when Feng lies and when he doesn't.
After:
Feng was old. None knew his exact age. Some people called him 'as old as the hills' and others called him 'old as dust' and everyone called him an 'old bastard'. And he was. Feng was reputed to have tried every sin known to man, mastered most of them, and even improved on some of them. He even had a reputation of being near-unkillable, having talked his way out of two assassination attempts. Most of the citizens of Teron thought that even Death herself was so intimidated at the idea of tallying Feng's sins that she let him wander the world well past his time, instead of gathering him home when she should have, fifty years ago or more. Rumors like this only helped his credibility as a loremaster, though. The trouble for his customers wasn't with his vices, though... It was that his lies were indistinguishable from his truths.
...
Before:
Dellar's appearance was misleading. He looked like a skinny, sad-looking scribe who would be the first to die in any fight. In reality the last two decades Dellar spent fighting for one cause or another, mastering the tricky art of killing your opponents before they can kill you. The highlights of his career included protecting caravans, raiding caravans a few years later, rotting in a dungeon and fighting for food scraps, being noticed and promoted into a gladiator, finally escaping to Teron and faithfully serving House Daratan ever since.
After:
Dellar was in some ways an enigma, with a story as intriguing as his appearance was deceptive. Arms that looked more suitable for pushing a pen than swinging a blade belied a wiry strength that had carried him through many a close-fought battle. With reflexes honed through two decades of mercenary work, where the first to strike a blow was usually the winner, Dellar was a master of taking advantage of others' underestimation. His colourful career was full of varied incidents; going from guarding caravans to raiding them in the space of a few years, followed by rotting in jail when he was captured mid-raid. Clawing his way up through the ranks of inmates until he was noticed by the powers-that-be and thrust into the gladiatorial ring, Dellar even managed the nigh-impossible, a daring escape from the gladitorial pits to Teron. There, he took service with House Darathan, with whom he has been serving ever since.
...
Before:
Look alive, boys. There are people in this fine town who need killing. Dias, an Aurelian's envoy is expected to arrive today and deliver an ultimatum to Lord Antidas. A bloody accident should befall him before he reaches Teron. Coltan, your expertise in poison is required in a delicate family situation. [charname], can you handle two people?
After:
Look alive boys. This is a business, not a social club. Dias! An Aurelian envoy is expected to arrive today to deliver an ultimatum to Lord Antidas. Open him up from ear to ear and destroy any missives he might be carrying. Make sure that you kill him before he makes it into town... We need to avoid any diplomatic incidents.
Coltan! There's a family in town that needs your delicate touch. Make it look like food poisoning or the flux, I don't care which. Just keep it quiet and natural-looking. The address and names are in this scroll. You remember how to read, right?
[charname]. I've got a treat in mind for you. Hah. Don't look so worried. I'm not going to gut you yet. Do you think you could handle two marks at the same time?
...
Before:
*the old man makes some noise and gestures weakly inviting you to come closer*
1. Approach
2. [streetwise] *you realize that you are completely off guard now, feeling safe... perhaps, too safe and off guard. You draw your weapons quickly just to see the reaction*
3. Leave
If 1 - You get closer and bend over the dying men, trying to understand the weak sounds escaping his throat. Suddenly, pain flashes through your entire body and you see a dagger in the no-longer-dying man's hand.
(combat starts, - 7 HPs)
If 2: The reaction is unexpected. The dying old man jumps from the bed in one fluid motion, showing experience and training, and pulls out a dagger. His rugs make a dull metal sound betraying some armor underneath. His "daughter" conjures a one-handed crossbow from somewhere, and starts aiming it in your direction.
(combat starts)
After:
*the old man makes a rattling, gurgling sound and weakly gestures you towards him*
1. Approach
2. [*streetwise*] *you realize that everything about this situation is a bit too pat. You're off guard and relaxed... Too relaxed. You draw your weapon quickly to see how the pair react.*
3. Leave
If 1: You stand beside the dying man, leaning in to try and understand the weak sounds escaping his throat. Suddenly, a shock of pain strikes you in your midsection. As you recoil, you see a stained dagger in the suddenly-lively man's hand.
(combat starts, -7 HP)
If 2. At the sight of your weapon, the man springs from the bed in one lightning-quick movement, dagger in hand. You can now see the glint of metal through the holes in his filthy rags. His 'daughter' produces a small crossbow from beneath the bed and points it at your head.
(combat starts)
...
Before:
Neleos is covered with blood, mostly his own. A nasty sword cut crosses his face with a bloody mess where his left eye used to be. The tough bastard still has enough self-control to smile. "It's been a long day, eh?" He winks with his good eye. "I'll rebuild the guild in Teron. It will take time though. If you need work, go to Maadoran or Ganezzar. I'll let the guildmasters know that you may stop by."
After:
Neleos is covered with blood, a great deal of it being his own. A nasty sword cut crosses his face, and there is a bloody mess where his left eye used to be. The tough bastard still has enough self-control to smile. "It's been a long day, eh?" He winks with his good eye. "Did Dias or Agatai make it? No? Well, I didn't think either of us would either. A shame though. I've rarely met men as competent as those two. We've been badly hurt by this business, but I'm going to restore the local guild. It will take time though. If you need work, go to Maadoran or Ganezzar. I'll let the guild masters know that you may stop by."
...
Before:
*The guards look at you without any interest and then, after a brief, but visible mental struggle, salute.
We are taking over the gate. Commander Carrinas' orders. *you hand the guard your order*
*another mental struggle* I think we'll stay and see what happens.
After:
As you approach the gate the pair of guards, wearing ill-kept armor and weapons showing some rust, watch your approach with minor interest. After a brief but noticable mental struggle, they recognize your armour, and produce a pair of lazy salutes.
The Imperial Guards, under the orders of Commander Carrinas, are hereby taking full responsibility for the manning of this post. You are relieved of your post. Deliver these orders to your captain. *You hand the guards the written copy of your orders*
*The guard looks with incomprehension at the written words. You realize that he is illiterate, and, judging by a slight stumble in his movements, he has been drinking while on duty as well.*
I think we'll just stay here and see what happens. We answer to Captain Falco, not you.
...
Before:
[disguise] Tell me about the merchant who rented the room. Name, trade, everything.
*Neleos raised an eyebrow, but said nothing and started going through his notes* Manius Cotta, originally from Atrion, caravan-master. He's here to discuss or, to be more specific, beg Linos to invest into a new caravan route.
After:
[disguise] Tell me about the merchant who rented the room. Name, trade, everything.]
*Neleos raised an eyebrow, but said nothing and started going through his notes* Manius Cotta, originally from Atrion, caravan-master. He's here to discuss or, to be more specific, beg Linos to invest into a new caravan route. Apparently business has been poor lately. He's got a wife, Arianna, two living children, Decius and Galenis, three dead children, none of them lived long enough to be named.... That's about all of interest.
...
That should be enough to form an opinion. So, what do you think?
PS. These examples represent less than 1% of the in-game text, so don't worry about spoiling.