Admiral Rimjob POOBUM
Arcane
(Apologies, this one isn't very good - Mehrunes' Razor and Knights of the Ni coming shortly)
Oblivimans!
Greatest RPG of our time, or so cry the TRUE RPers. But who, of these LARPers, was the greatest Imperial Freelance Knight of them all?
Who is worthy to take on this review tour, to objectively weigh the Oblivion Downloaded Contentses and triumph against the forces of level-scaled evil?
Yes, friends.... Nick. Nick the Imperial.
Nick, resting in a filthy LARPer-ridden mattress in the Imperial City Dungeon, was roughly woken from his sleep by Patrick Stewart himself.
'You... your eyes.' Patrick whispered, 'they're brown. Then the stars were wrong, and this is not the day. Guards, kill the prisoner.'
Nick could only watch in horror as all were frozen to the ground and an Evil Dood murdered Patrick Stewart. Being of the Fitartheefmaje bent, despite all his Freelance Knight pretences, he palmed a shiny amulet from the corpse and legged it.
And thus the review tour-de-force begins, in a LARP fashion.
Immediately upon leaving the prison, a torrent of letters fell on his head. As letters do not bend, this was incredibly painful, the pain augmented by his discovery that no less than three of his relatives had apparently died and left their homes to him. Not that he had any relatives.
And so Nick set out to discover the secrets of these new homes. The first was known as Deepscorn Hollow, and Nick discovered frightful things there. It was EVIL. VILE. NASTY. IMPURE.
Though Nick was a brave soul, an Imperial Freelance Knight of the highest order, even his courage had its limits. He fled screaming from the EVIL EVIL EVIL place, waving his Fine Steel Longsword as he did so.
The next home was known as Frostcrag Spire. Nick cautiously LARPed his way across the country, picking flowers and dropping potatoes in streams, before coming to the mountains where the magic green arrow had led him.
Oh noes, Nick realised. A TOWER! A SOLITARY TOWER! And inside... a MAGIC CRYSTAL HAND with a MYSTERIOUS TOME!
This must be, Nick realised - using his amazing Level 30 Imperial Freelance Knight powers of deduction - a WIZARD'S tower!
Nick screamed in horror, horror more dreadful than that which he felt in the EEEEVIL cavern o' Deepscorn. Wizards! Above all things, he hated wizards, for their confusing speech and big words and phrases like "choice and consequence" or "imaginary roleplaying". He would have fast travelled away, but he was brave and disciplined, so he walked instead, all the while in mortal terror that a wizard would ask why.
The last deceased relative had left him a piratey cave. How he knew it was piratey, he could not say, and the mystery of the inhabitants only confuzzled him more when he entered:
What was this strange insignia? What did it mean? And why were there... down there....
SKELLINGTONS! EVIL ones! Nick forgot all confusion, forgot his LARPy fear of wizards, screamed in a suitably Imperial Freelance Knightish manner, and charged them all. Though he was only a mere level 1, his sheer Imperial Freelance Knightiness brought the horrible creatures to their knees. He smashed them into boney pieces with but a single stroke, apart from the captain, because the cabin was so fucking dark he couldn't see the thing, so it took three strokes.
That done, he left the cavern. Preparing to embark on another note-given epic quest - to restore the Dwemer Orrreeerrry to its former glory - he suddenly remembered his true duty, as a LARPer and Imperial Freelance Knight.
He invited his Dunmer friend to share his food-eatings, and they LARPed out the play "The Lusty Argonian Maid" long into the Imperial Freelance Knight.
-----------
Yes, that did suck, but I'm covering all the DLC and I had to get these out of the way. Orrerrreerrry and Mehrunes' Razor tomorrow, and they'll possibly prove to actually be worth my time reviewing.
Oblivimans!
Greatest RPG of our time, or so cry the TRUE RPers. But who, of these LARPers, was the greatest Imperial Freelance Knight of them all?
Who is worthy to take on this review tour, to objectively weigh the Oblivion Downloaded Contentses and triumph against the forces of level-scaled evil?
Yes, friends.... Nick. Nick the Imperial.
Nick, resting in a filthy LARPer-ridden mattress in the Imperial City Dungeon, was roughly woken from his sleep by Patrick Stewart himself.
'You... your eyes.' Patrick whispered, 'they're brown. Then the stars were wrong, and this is not the day. Guards, kill the prisoner.'
Nick could only watch in horror as all were frozen to the ground and an Evil Dood murdered Patrick Stewart. Being of the Fitartheefmaje bent, despite all his Freelance Knight pretences, he palmed a shiny amulet from the corpse and legged it.
And thus the review tour-de-force begins, in a LARP fashion.
Immediately upon leaving the prison, a torrent of letters fell on his head. As letters do not bend, this was incredibly painful, the pain augmented by his discovery that no less than three of his relatives had apparently died and left their homes to him. Not that he had any relatives.
And so Nick set out to discover the secrets of these new homes. The first was known as Deepscorn Hollow, and Nick discovered frightful things there. It was EVIL. VILE. NASTY. IMPURE.
Though Nick was a brave soul, an Imperial Freelance Knight of the highest order, even his courage had its limits. He fled screaming from the EVIL EVIL EVIL place, waving his Fine Steel Longsword as he did so.
The next home was known as Frostcrag Spire. Nick cautiously LARPed his way across the country, picking flowers and dropping potatoes in streams, before coming to the mountains where the magic green arrow had led him.
Oh noes, Nick realised. A TOWER! A SOLITARY TOWER! And inside... a MAGIC CRYSTAL HAND with a MYSTERIOUS TOME!
This must be, Nick realised - using his amazing Level 30 Imperial Freelance Knight powers of deduction - a WIZARD'S tower!
Nick screamed in horror, horror more dreadful than that which he felt in the EEEEVIL cavern o' Deepscorn. Wizards! Above all things, he hated wizards, for their confusing speech and big words and phrases like "choice and consequence" or "imaginary roleplaying". He would have fast travelled away, but he was brave and disciplined, so he walked instead, all the while in mortal terror that a wizard would ask why.
The last deceased relative had left him a piratey cave. How he knew it was piratey, he could not say, and the mystery of the inhabitants only confuzzled him more when he entered:
What was this strange insignia? What did it mean? And why were there... down there....
SKELLINGTONS! EVIL ones! Nick forgot all confusion, forgot his LARPy fear of wizards, screamed in a suitably Imperial Freelance Knightish manner, and charged them all. Though he was only a mere level 1, his sheer Imperial Freelance Knightiness brought the horrible creatures to their knees. He smashed them into boney pieces with but a single stroke, apart from the captain, because the cabin was so fucking dark he couldn't see the thing, so it took three strokes.
That done, he left the cavern. Preparing to embark on another note-given epic quest - to restore the Dwemer Orrreeerrry to its former glory - he suddenly remembered his true duty, as a LARPer and Imperial Freelance Knight.
He invited his Dunmer friend to share his food-eatings, and they LARPed out the play "The Lusty Argonian Maid" long into the Imperial Freelance Knight.
-----------
Yes, that did suck, but I'm covering all the DLC and I had to get these out of the way. Orrerrreerrry and Mehrunes' Razor tomorrow, and they'll possibly prove to actually be worth my time reviewing.
