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Editorial Instant Classic!

Vault Dweller

Commissar, Red Star Studio
Developer
Joined
Jan 7, 2003
Messages
28,024
Tags: Bethesda Softworks; Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion; Gareth Davies

I have to post this to preserve it for future generations, <a href=http://www.rpgcodex.com/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=10350&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=625>it's just THAT good</a>. What does that have to do with games? Figure it out.
<br>
<br>
<blockquote>Pete: How's it going sir? You looking at this beauty right here?
<br>
Bob: Er, yes. I've recently come into some money, so the wife and I thought we'd splash out on a new auto.
<br>
Pete: Ah, and is your lovely wife here, too?
<br>
Bob: No, she's off shopping for shoes.
<br>
Pete: I hear you, friend. My wife is exactly the same. In fact, we recently got ourselves a new car just because she needed the extra space in the trunk for her footwear shopping sprees.
<br>
Bob: Wow, that's a lot of shoes. My wife...
<br>
Pete: You're darn tootin' it's a lot of shoes. In fact my wife owns 40% of the worlds total shoe population, and I bet you can't even imagine how many pairs that is.
<br>
Bob: I, er, no. But...
<br>
Pete: Well, that makes two of us, pardner. Because there's no way in heck anyone can possibly count that many shoes. But you know what?
<br>
Bob: Er, what?
<br>
Pete: This car right here, has enough trunk space to fit them all.
<br>
Bob: I...really?
<br>
Pete: Yesiree, Bob. It's like a bottomless pit in there.
<br>
Bob: Wow, can I take a look?
<br>
Pete: Now, you wouldn't be accusing ol' Pistol Pete of lyin' through his teeth now, would ye?
<br>
Bob: No, it's just I...
<br>
Pete: See that big shiny plaque on the wall? The one that says in no nonsense letters "VP of Marketing?" That's all me, baby.
<br>
Bob: Oh, that's great. Listen...
<br>
Pete: And you know what that means? It means that Pete makes it his business to know everything about his product.
<br>
Bob: You...
<br>
Pete: So if ol' Pete says it's true, then you're only doing yourself an injustice if you try to question that knowledge.
<br>
Bob: Oh, that's reassuring. But I'm not, er, that is to say, boot space isn't really a concern for me.
<br>
Pete: Sure it is! One day, you're going to have to transport the ridiculous amounts of shoes your wife owns, and I tell ya, this is the only vehicle for it.
<br>
Bob: Okay, er, great. I'm more interested in how it runs.
<br>
Pete: Like a dream! But not just any old dream, this runs like the best dream you've ever had, even those messy teenage ones.
<br>
Bob: Ew, that's...
<br>
Pete: You gotta trust me on this one, pardner. It's a necessary evil to warn you about just what freaky thoughts this car can bring out in a man. It's just that freakin' good!
<br>
Bob: Is it fast, too?
<br>
Pete: You betcha! Faster than man has ever travelled. In fact, I'm only supposed to sell these to fighter pilots, since they're the only ones trained to withstand the G forces this baby pumps out.
<br>
Bob: That's a...
<br>
Pete: And I can tell by lookin' atcha that you ain't no jet pilot, am I right Chief? Of course I am. Big brawny guy like you probably couldn't even fit one of his biceps in a fighter cockpit. But I gotta say, you look like the kinda guy who can take this bull by the horns and show it who's boss, so we can overlook that little bit of paperwork.
<br>
Bob: Speaking of paperwork, have you got a brochure I could show my wife? She likes to read. I've never quite seen the fascination myself.
<br>
Pete: Haha! You're my kinda guy, fella. Who needs reading? Certainly not you, and certainly not your wife. Why give her a flimsy little list of "facts" when you can show off the real thing?
<br>
Bob: I'm sorry?
<br>
Pete: Show her the real deal! I guarantee you, if you drive out of here right now, your wife will never sit up reading in bed ever again because she'll be crawling all over you for making such an incredible purchase. Let me hit you with a price.
<br>
Bob: I don't really...
<br>
Pete: Sixty thousand.
<br>
Bob: Look, I really shouldn't say anything without getting my wife's opinion.
<br>
Pete: Remember the plaque? The big gold, no-nonsense plaque?
<br>
Bob: I guess...
<br>
Pete: And remember what it means? I means that Pete already knows what your wife is going to think of this, and she's going to love it.
<br>
Bob: Well, you do seem like a trustworthy guy...
<br>
Pete: You're effin' A right there, champ. Does Pete seem like the kinda guy that would beat his wife to death with her own shoes and stash her in the trunk of a car in his showroom, just so he can sell it to some patsy with more money than sense? Of course not. Now, do you want the best car in the universe or not?</blockquote>Now you can bitch.
<br>
<br>
Edit: More adventures of ol' Pete:
<br>
<br>
<blockquote>Pete: Why hello, ma'am! Welcome to Bethesda Paintworks. What can I do ya for?
<br>
<br>
Customer #1: I'm looking for a tin of plain white paint.
<br>
<br>
Pete: Sure thing, my young lass. Here you go.
<br>
<br>
Customer #1: Errr...
<br>
<br>
Pete: Something the matter? You can confide in ol' Pete. In fact, you could even say I'm your confidence man. No wait, forget that bit. Why the long face?
<br>
<br>
Customer #1: This paint isn't white, it's very grey, and I need pure white for my...
<br>
<br>
Pete: Now wait a minute, missy. That there's exactly 50% white, which means you're getting the best of both worlds. If there wasn't black in the world, you wouldn't even know what white was, let alone how pure and virginal it can be.
<br>
<br>
Customer #1: I'm...
<br>
<br>
Pete: See this here is like a two for one deal. You get all the white you need, and we throw in just as much black for the same price!
<br>
<br>
Customer #1: But, if they're mixed, you don't really have black and white, just neutral grey.
<br>
<br>
Pete: I don't think you're quite seeing the whole picture here. See, what you're getting is a product that is greater than its sum parts. Now white is good on its own. In fact, it's without a doubt, the single greatest colour ever. It's a next-generation colour. The colour of the future.
<br>
<br>
Customer #1: But it's not really a...
<br>
<br>
Pete: Don't be interupting Pete now, little missy. As I was saying, white is the best colour ever, and black is... even better! It's better than the best. You might be thinkin' "no way in sam hell is that true. You can't get better than the best!" But you'd be wrong.
<br>
<br>
Customer #1: I...
<br>
<br>
Pete: But trust Pete on this. We take the best, and something that's even better, and mix it. We're not just adding one to the other, we're multiplying them together, so you're getting the best squared. And then some.
<br>
<br>
Customer #1: Well, I guess that does sound pretty good.
<br>
<br>
Pete: It's good like you can't imagine. Tell you what. You buy it now, this instant, and I'll throw in some grey paint as well.
<br>
<br>
Customer #1: Okay, you've sold me!
<br>
<br>
Pete: <grins maniacally>
<br>
<br>
[[minutes later]]
<br>
<br>
Pete: Hey there, sport! First time in Bethesda Paintworks? Never fear, because Pistol Pete is here, and I shoot straight. You'll get all the fact, and nothing but.
<br>
<br>
Customer #2: Er, hi. Um, do you like, have any black paint? I really want to kind of goth up my...
<br>
<br>
Pete: Do we have black paint? It's our most popular item. That young lady that just left wanted some black paint too, but I've probably got another tin around here somewhere.
<br>
<br>
Customer #2: Er, great.
<br>
<br>
Pete: And there ya go! That'll be fifty smackers there, champ.
<br>
<br>
Customer #2: Dude, that paint's grey. I can't be emo with grey.
<br>
<br>
Pete: Are you kidding around? I know you wouldn't be doubting Pete's word, now. Pete knows that you can't have black without white, and that's all you need to know.
<br>
<br>
Customer #2: But...
<br>
<br>
Pete: You a college boy? Sure you are. Let me throw something out there. Juxtaposition. Hear that? You betcha. Bet you use words like that on them internet forums all the time, am I right?
<br>
<br>
Customer #2: Well...
<br>
<br>
Pete: Then you need this. And Pete knows, because Pete is the world's greatest salesman. You know I used to sell cars? Made a damn good living out of it too. Then one day, I sold a car to my wife's murderer. Broke my heart, and now I can barely even look at a car, let alone sell one.
<br>
<br>
Customer #2: ...
<br>
<br>
Pete: Beat her with her own shoes, he did. you know how hard that is? Now, boots make a damn fine beatin' implement. I could probably take you down in a second with those big clodhoppers you kids all wear around. But women's shoes are different. They're all flimsy, no weight to 'em. Takes a lot o' the ol' elbow grease just to stop em screamin'.
<br>
<br>
Customer #2: Dude, you're...
<br>
<br>
Pete: Now, I'm thinkin' that college education of your has taught you a thing or two, or maybe you just watched that movie with that kid, but paint cans can give a hell of a whack if you wind up your pitching arm a bit.
<br>
<br>
Customer #2: ...
<br>
<br>
Pete: Not that a guy like you has ever wound up a pitch in his life. Whole world's against guys like you and me, so's we gotta stick together. It's either you or them, man. You or them. Now you just gonna stand there gawpin' or are you gonna buy the world's greatest ultimate killing machine of death?</blockquote>
 

Seboss

Liturgist
Joined
Jan 27, 2006
Messages
947
It reminds me of Stan in Monkey Island.

HardCode said:
"Pete" is missing a lot of "um's", "er's" and "ah's".
And "y'know's".
 

Naked_Lunch

Erudite
Joined
Jan 29, 2005
Messages
5,360
Location
Norway, 1967
3 raving hitlers out of 4.
ravehitler8ov.gif
ravehitler8ov.gif
ravehitler8ov.gif
 

Roqua

Prospernaut
Dumbfuck Repressed Homosexual In My Safe Space
Joined
Apr 28, 2004
Messages
4,130
Location
YES!
I get it, but it was gay.

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHHAHAHAhahaZHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHa


HA

Queers.
 

HanoverF

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Nov 23, 2002
Messages
6,083
MCA Divinity: Original Sin Project: Eternity Torment: Tides of Numenera Wasteland 2 Codex USB, 2014 Divinity: Original Sin 2
If you read the first letters in the words it says LSD



Oh wait, I'm thinking of something else
 

vazquez595654

Arbiter
Joined
Jul 21, 2005
Messages
1,090
Location
Malta
It's okay. I didn't find it funny. There are a lot of spelling errors. Maybe if it was acted out by two really good actors it could be entertaining.
 

LlamaGod

Cipher
Joined
Oct 21, 2004
Messages
3,095
Location
Yes
vazquez595654 said:
It's okay. I didn't find it funny. There are a lot of spelling errors. Maybe if it was acted out by two really good actors it could be entertaining.

LIKE PATRICK STEWART AND WONDER WOMAN?
 

vazquez595654

Arbiter
Joined
Jul 21, 2005
Messages
1,090
Location
Malta
vazquez595654 wrote:
It's okay. I didn't find it funny. There are a lot of spelling errors. Maybe if it was acted out by two really good actors it could be entertaining.


LIKE PATRICK STEWART AND WONDER WOMAN?

Mr. Stewart is okay. Can he be funny though? Is Wonder Woman a good actress? I have never seen any of her work.
 

Atrokkus

Erudite
Joined
Feb 6, 2005
Messages
3,089
Location
Borat's Fantasy Land
VD, I think you are stressing yourself too much with this Oblivion. I think it is better to put energy into something other than raving about a game that you hate anyway, and about the industry that you despice so much. But hey, maybe it's actually a stress relief or something? Or just fun?
 

bryce777

Erudite
Joined
Feb 4, 2005
Messages
4,225
Location
In my country the system operates YOU
metallix said:
VD, I think you are stressing yourself too much with this Oblivion. I think it is better to put energy into something other than raving about a game that you hate anyway, and about the industry that you despice so much. But hey, maybe it's actually a stress relief or something? Or just fun?

I, for one, find it impossible to ignore the ludicrousness. I can't see how anyone could manage it.
 

Kthan75

Liturgist
Joined
Mar 6, 2005
Messages
410
Location
Bucharest
Codex 2012 Project: Eternity Torment: Tides of Numenera Wasteland 2
Nice read, the point is well made, but I just wish that Oblivion would come out sooner so we can bitch after actually playing the game. I'm getting pretty tired of the retarded fanboys but also of the "Oblivion will suck" stuff (the Patrick Stewart jokes never seem to get old though...)
I want to see the game for myself and have my own opinion on it (we'll probably bitch even more then... :roll: ).
 

Kthan75

Liturgist
Joined
Mar 6, 2005
Messages
410
Location
Bucharest
Codex 2012 Project: Eternity Torment: Tides of Numenera Wasteland 2
I just noticed the release date... I guess the real complaining will start in a few weeks.
 

Lumpy

Arcane
Joined
Sep 11, 2005
Messages
8,525
It will be a while before I'll be able to get a new computer. I'll have to keep listening to your bitching for a month or so. :)
 

Kthan75

Liturgist
Joined
Mar 6, 2005
Messages
410
Location
Bucharest
Codex 2012 Project: Eternity Torment: Tides of Numenera Wasteland 2
Lumpy said:
It will be a while before I'll be able to get a new computer. I'll have to keep listening to your bitching for a month or so. :)

I was going to get an upgrade somewhat later, in June, but a guy offered to buy my old computer so I decided to do it now. Eventually that guy changed his mind, after I bought the new rig. Anyway, that's a different story.

(Incoming brag) I got myself a 6800GT video card, at the price of a 6800GS (special offer...) . I'm curios to see how Oblivion will perform on this baby.[/i]
 

Excalibur

Liturgist
Joined
Jan 7, 2004
Messages
342
Location
BOS Base
meh, i think you will need at least 7000 series, to work decently, i got my 7800gt overclocked :P
 

Seboss

Liturgist
Joined
Jan 27, 2006
Messages
947
I bought a $400 Radeon X850XT PE in November for that fucking game. Now the card is $280 and completely outdated :'(
 

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