Review Mass Effect gets the Andyman Messiah Treatment

[Jason]

Tags: BioWare; Mass Effect

Andyman Messiah (aka Locue aka jesuschristdoesntthisguyevershutup) took a trip or five through BioWare's <b><a href="http://masseffect.bioware.com/" target="blank">Mass Effect</a></b> and decided to inflict his experience on the rest of us.
<br>
<blockquote>It shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone that the story is the same old Bioware epic that we've grown used to ever since we played Baldur's Gate 2 and was perfected (read as: dumbed down) with Knights of the Old Republic. If you are surprised, then here's two more surprises I have to spoil for you: werewolves don't exist and people get hungry when they don't eat! Consider yourself surprised.</blockquote>
<br>
<a href="http://www.rpgcodex.net/content.php?id=182">Read on...</a>

 

[DefJam101]

They need to test the writers especially. Preferably by putting a talking hamster up each of their asses so the hamster can report back and tell BioWare “these people are okay, they can work for us, they shit from the correct hole.”

 

[drunkpriest]

Wow, all these new news posters, and now a great review. Content is plus plus.

 

[hiver]

heh, that was good fun. There should be more reviews like this.
Though i loled more in the opening and middle then in the end.

 

[Jaime Lannister]

"I shot a man in Counterstrike just because he asked me about anti-fuck-aliasing, shaders and bloom."

I shot a man in Counterstrike, just to watch him die.

 

[ushdugery]

When I hear that whistle blowing, I press left trigger and teabag..

 

[Zomg]

thumbs up for "sextra terrestrial" if that's an Andyman original

Edit - I also really like the focus on tips for enjoying the games, like (in this case) picking the better gender for voice acting and skipping the repetitive side quests. It's a really good value-adding niche for criticism that you never see anywhere.

 

[Fat Dragon]

This was a great review. Andyman Messiah is the best fucking poster on the Codex.

to the

 

[Volourn]

L0L While there were some funnies, the review was a hot mess. Where's SP with an actual GOOD review that's also negative?

 

[Vaarna_Aarne]

:honourblade:

 

[Monocause]

He's THE man.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

thumbs up for "sextra terrestrial" if that's an Andyman original

I can't believe that "sextra terrestrials" hasn't been used before, so I'm pretty sure I stole it from someone.

 

[hiver]

Pretty refreshing since lately we seem to be getting too many of those "Yes but if you put all that aside this game is good in the end" reviews.

And this is "No matter what you do its still crap, crap, CRAP i tell you!"

Wish he went into why the story sucks more in detail though.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

The story sucks because KOTOR did it better.

 

[WhiskeyWolf]

Quick, somebody post this on Bioware forum.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Quick, somebody post this on Bioware forum.

I swear too much so even if the review was "blowjobs! to all of my Mass Effect friends!" it wouldn't survive an hour.

Btw, I'm especially giggly about this line "Well, looks like the fetch quest got a little more complicated, am I right, Shepard?!" as it's pretty much the exact same line Captain Anderson says before he drops you down at the planet. I wet myself writing it.

 

[ghostdog]

That was a delightful read you funny horse, you.

 

[VonVentrue]

A spot-on, entertaining review. Bring the horse some sugar cubes.

Quick, somebody post this on Bioware forum.

Go for it. I already got banned from Bethesda forums long ago, not going to put myself at risk again.
... Or we could ask Volourn to do us a favour.

 

[JarlFrank]

This review was two things: funny and informative. Especially funny.
Andyman should write more reviews.

 

[racofer]

Now do a FO3 review.

 

[Jaesun]

Dear Andyman Messiah,

As much as I Love you, <3 Andyman Messiah <3, I felt this was more of a "Mass Effect SUCKS" troll post, than say a review (that's how it came across for me). Personally I think Mass Effect is the WORST game Bioware has made to date, and I agree with your final conclusion. I just wish you had been a bit more objective, but you were mainly going for lulz (which is fine). And was a fun little read.

Here is some stuff I felt you should have mentioned, even though it STILL was not enough to Mass Efffect a *great* game:

I also agree that Tali's back story was interesting as well (and I also wish she was a romance option, in that she was the ONLY character that I was generally interested in). I felt Ashley's back story (as uncovered through the whole 10 hours) was well written, and fit her character quite well. Wrex was... ok. The others were boring. And when getting Carth/Anomen/Kaiden's back story, I wish there was an option to just stab him in the face. Thankfully there was an option to just kill this fucking idiot, later on.

Bioware introduced ONE thing that that they have never done before. *gasp*. The "CHOOSE WHICH OF YOUR NPC'S WILL DIE MOTHER FUCKER!!!" *Collar Grab*. I though that was well done, and I am quite surprised you did not mention it.

Combat was.... interesting, especially for a Bioware game. It's not innovative or ground breaking, it was... enjoyable for the most part. And yea, once you can have Talia in your gang, she 0wnz all. Lift = WIN BUTTON.

There were a *few* major Choice and Consequences like choices in the game (The Rachni Queen, Which NPC dies, The council choice). While none of these decisions have any effect in Mass Effect 1, it is assumed they will have meaningful impacts when playing Mass Effect 2: Electric Boogaloo. Though.... knowing Bioware, no matter what you choose, they will all lead to the same conclusion.

What *was* innovative with the New Bioware Dialogue Wheel™, was that... you could choose your response, before the person finished their sentence so that dialogue/cut-scenes would flow just like watching a cut-scene. I hesitate to use innovative, but I cannot think of another cRPG that does this. It was a *neat* feature, but that's about it. Thing really to *fap* over.

Anyways, that's my feedback on your article. Keep up the lulz, but maybe a bit more objectivity would be nice.

Love,
Jaesun.

 

[WhiskeyWolf]

Go for it. I already got banned from Bethesda forums long ago, not going to put myself at risk again.

I know a better place - when played right won't get you banned.

http://www.gamefaqs.com/boards/genmessage.php?board=944902&topic=47131314

Have fun.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Dear Andyman Messiah,

As much as I Love you, <3 Andyman Messiah <3, I felt this was more of a "Mass Effect SUCKS" troll post, than say a review (that's how it came across for me). Personally I think Mass Effect is the WORST game Bioware has made to date, and I agree with your final conclusion. I just wish you had been a bit more objective, but you were mainly going for lulz (which is fine). And was a fun little read.

Thank you, Jaesun!

Here is some stuff I felt you should have mentioned, even though it STILL was not enough to Mass Efffect a *great* game:

Alright! Alright, let's do it! Let's fucking do it!

I also agree that Tali's back story was interesting as well (and I also wish she was a romance option, in that she was the ONLY character that I was generally interested in). I felt Ashley's back story (as uncovered through the whole 10 hours) was well written, and fit her character quite well. Wrex was... ok. The others were boring. And when getting Carth/Anomen/Kaiden's back story, I wish there was an option to just stab him in the face. Thankfully there was an option to just kill this fucking idiot, later on.

Agree.

Bioware introduced ONE thing that that they have never done before. *gasp*. The "CHOOSE WHICH OF YOUR NPC'S WILL DIE MOTHER FUCKER!!!" *Collar Grab*. I though that was well done, and I am quite surprised you did not mention it.

Can't very well spoil the best part of the game, can I?

Spoiler

VOICE: "ALRIGHT, PLAYER CHARACTER! NOW YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE! WHICH ONE OF THESE EQUALLY ANNOYING NPCS DO YOU WANT DEAD? CHOOSE NOW! (But feel free to take your time.)"
SHEPARD: "Hmmm..." *spins the dialog wheel options back and forth"
VOICE: "CHOOSE!!"
SHEPARD: "Hmmm..." *spins the dialog wheel options back and forth*
VOICE: "FOR FUCKS SAKE, SHEPARD!"
SHEPARD: "Do I need Ashley? I'm already a better soldier than she'll ever be. Plus she's annoying... Then again, Kaiden is a sentinel and the blue chick and the S&M chick pretty much owns him..."
VOICE: "SHEPARD!!!"
SHEPARD: "Maybe Ashley, though... I don't really want to have sex with an underage alien... It's just too weird..."

And so on until eternity.

Combat was.... interesting, especially for a Bioware game. It's not innovative or ground breaking, it was... enjoyable for the most part. And yea, once you can have Talia in your gang, she 0wnz all. Lift = WIN BUTTON.

This probably isn't going to look good on my resume, but I think combat is very boring no matter what game I'm playing. Unless it's an FPS, of course.

There were a *few* major Choice and Consequences like choices in the game (The Rachni Queen, Which NPC dies, The council choice). While none of these decisions have any effect in Mass Effect 1, it is assumed they will have meaningful impacts when playing Mass Effect 2: Electric Boogaloo. Though.... knowing Bioware, no matter what you choose, they will all lead to the same conclusion.

They say that Mass Effect 2 will take what your character in ME1 did and apply them to the adventure, but it will probably not be very much. And for new players there will most likely be a quiz at the start: "Did you kill the bug queen? Who did you sacrifice? Etc." Bioware keeps all bases covered.

What *was* innovative with the New Bioware Dialogue Wheel™, was that... you could choose your response, before the person finished their sentence so that dialogue/cut-scenes would flow just like watching a cut-scene. I hesitate to use innovative, but I cannot think of another cRPG that does this. It was a *neat* feature, but that's about it. Thing really to *fap* over.

I'm on my way to your house, Jaesun.

Anyways, that's my feedback on your article. Keep up the lulz, but maybe a bit more objectivity would be nice.

See, that's why I'm not a journalist. I can't handle objectivity.

Love,
Jaesun.

Sugar and Carrots,
Andyman Messiah

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Now do a FO3 review.

I already did.

"This game sucks."

 

[racofer]

Wah? You did? I only saw the Chefe's one.