Review Bloodlines checked out by Tom's Hardware

[Saint_Proverbius]

Tags: Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines

There's a <A href="http://www.tomshardware.com/game/20041211/index.html">many page but few paragraphs per page review</a> of <A href="http://www.vampire-bloodlines.com">Vampire: the Masquerade - Bloodlines</a> over at <A href="http://www.tomshardware.com">Tom's Hardware</a>. Many, many, many pages. Too many for me to care to read at least. However, if you do read them all, or just keep clicking the links to see if there's anything interesting in the thing, you'll find yourself treated to an interview with <A href="http://www.tomshardware.com/game/20041211/images/vamp33.jpg">some ugly chick</a> who may or may not have anything to do with anything at all. Anyway, here's one of the paragraphs I selected at random, because I didn't care to read the whole thing:
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<blockquote>So is there any replay value here? Yes, in fact, there is plenty to slake your thirst. With seven clans, both genders, and NPCs that really react differently to player stats, you could be playing this game for a very long time. You would almost need to be an immortal to complete all five endings!</blockquote>
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And the patience of a Saint to muster up the will to do the sewer warrens more than once.
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Thanks, <b>smiffus</b>!
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[chaedwards]

The Ugly Chick is a hammer? Well, I admit that I wouldn't really consider it dating material, but methinks the link doesn't work properly.

 

[Flarnet]

Did the hammer nail her?

 

[dojoteef]

Wow, that was some scary shit. Is it just me, or do the reviewer and the two models have some serious problems?

 

[jiujitsu]

And the patience of a Saint to muster up the will to do the sewer warrens more than once.

Does that mean you did them more than once?

 

[Volourn]

Entertaining review.

 

[Otaku_Hanzo]

I hate getting stuck on prostitutes.

 

[Volourn]

"I hate getting stuck on prostitutes. "

Ahh.. Sarcasm. :wink:

 

[Sol Invictus]

God, that review was incredibly long. I couldn't bring myself to read it, but from what I saw, it looked like a 15 page sponsored feature. After all, the Booth "babe" is one of Activision's.

I think it's pretty lame that Tom's Hardware uses models. Who the hell visits a computer hardware website to look at soft porn?

 

[Andyman Messiah]

It wasn't that long. Just divided into a lot of pages to make it long. Oh...

 

[Kotario]

Let me get this out of the way straight off - this is NOT a kid's game. In fact, this isn't even an adult's game, unless you are prepared to deal with references to snuff films, homosexuality, hard drugs, necrophilia, incest, condoms, excessive vulgarity, public urination, gratuitous cleavage, bondage & sado-masochism, disemboweling, serial killing amputees, vomiting, or prostitution. It goes above and beyond the call of duty in its attempt to earn the ESRB's "M" rating. Personally, I think it may deserve the rarest of all designations - "AO" (Adults Only).

Horrors! Though I rather think I've seen most of that on CSI as well. I didn't know referencing something was so bad, good thing Christiaan is here to tell us.

 

[Sol Invictus]

Yea. It's common knowledge that kids dont learn about filthy things like sex until theyre at least 35.

 

[Kotario]

Hmm... the Activision booth "babe" has her own model's webpage complete with an "Artistic Nude." Not to mention her own upcoming website designed by Internet Porn God.

I should have known better than to click on that link in the review.

 

[z3r'0']

There is a link right at end of the article, it leads to the model's site. *edit: beaten by Kotario*
Well... she is weird.
Probably too deep into that gothic/bondage thing. There were also a lot of questions he asked her that I wondered... WTF has this have to do with the game?

All in all... a pretty fluffy review. Very little depth, mostly just broad ramblings.
Some pointers on how not to do a review can be gleaned though.

Personally, I find Spazmo's review here at the 'codex more to my liking.

 

[Sol Invictus]

Her nose is like a finger.

edit: It looks like she also caters to Sploshing. Urban Dictionary classifies this as:

Verb: the act of placing food on another person, and usually eating it off of them, for pleasure. A full-bodied food fetish. Commonly used in present participal form sploshing. Can also be used as a noun splosh.

"One of my friends is a chef and has some interesting kinks...she loves to have parties where she gets to splosh her lovers with her own culinary creations."

Sounds like an 'erotic' sushi bar.

 

[suibhne]

I didn't do more than skim bits of the review, and I was wholly unimpressed. What struck me even more powerfully, though, was the base stupidity of those ludicrous photographs. It was like living in the fucking Arts dormitory all over again.

 

[Volourn]

Other than weirdness, what's wrong with the interview? It covered all the neccessary parts of the game. Clans, skills, dialogue, combat, graphics, music, the overall feel of the game. He even discussed its releation to the pnp version. Quite frankly, it's one of the better reviews.