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There is no such thing as gulag. It's kapitalist propaganda. I'd call our little educational camp лечебно-трудовой профилакторий or ЛПП - place, where Dreaad can learn how to be happy and productive community member and love hard physical labour. I mean - we want to improve him, not punish, right?
Knowing my luck lac girl or the ork would somehow end up eating it. Need I remind you all I'm the best recruitment officer you have, without me you'd just be collecting prisoners!
This has got to be one of the best (and funniest) LPs I've ever read. Great job, Grimwulf.
Any space to tag onto the Komrade waiting list?
Sammy is an OK dude. If possible he'd like to lead other hard-working, brave, kommunistic soldiers to death unto glory. Very likely to start worshipping eldritch beings if the opportunity arises.
I would like to come out of lurking to volunteer as well. The more useless the colonist the better. With appropriately Randian philosophies of course. Should get along famously with Dreaad, and spend all of his/her time in the lock up.
At ease. The trial is about to begin. You are not invited.
Huh? But why?
Because you are a private, so nobody cares about your opinion.
Okay...
Get back to work! I need to find Azira.
There you are.
I don't have a secret stash of alcohol, Grimwulf. Honestly.
Your mouth says "no alcohol", but your feet say "oh god, we have no idea what we are doing".
Hmm? Oh. ANYWAY, I have an appointment, so if you excuse me...
Tell you what, I'll let it slip if you make the right KEY CHOICE during Dreaad's trial.
Dreaad... Obviously he's a foreign spy. Arrest will be a proper punishment, then we can decide what to do. If he can fetch a good price, that would be swell.
I have a better suggestion. Listen...
Later that night.
Order! ORDER! The court is now in session.
I am the judge, Dreaad is the convict, everyone else is the jury.
CONVICT?! You mean accused?
SILENCE, CONVICT! The court will not tolerate such behavior! Kalin, if Dreaad says another word without permission, you beat him senseless.
With pleasure.
You all know the drill. Guilty or naught? Kalin?
Guilty of being a prick! Nothing a good bashing won't solve.
Good. Azira?
Guilty of being a foreign spy. Gulag is a good and proper reeducation of foreign spies. Let him spend some time in our own gulag.
I see. Lacgirl?
Dreaad's probabbly not guilty. Cleaning toilet for one month straight, me bucko~
The jury have spoken.
*psshhh* Uhh, hello? This is hello friend. I wanted to say that cleaning the toilets looks like an agreeable comprom--
Shuddup, private!
He has the right to vote, Kommissar.
Hrmrmf. I must talk to the dead.
Well?
Forgive him, Grim. Find the strength within yourself to let him be.
Even though Dreaad is an edgy prick, there is a rivalry going on between him and Azira. It might escalate to your advantage eventually. Release him.
Dreaad is a pair of working hands. How can you even think of sending him away? He should stay right here and work for the glory of Kolony!
Why do I even listen to you people?
Any last words, convict?
Ungrateful bastards, I saved the goddam Kolony. Meanwhile the guy who decided it would be a smart idea to build a door during an attack and not warn anyone to get ready just in case is still in charge Where's the trial for the sociopath who 'talks to the dead'? Sheeeeeeit.
...
That was rather... improper.
... *whispers* What have you done, Dreaady?
Khe he he.
Хаха. Ха... That was a joke. Guys?
The court session is over. Convict Dreaad is found GUILTY and sentenced to Gulag! He will live there on his own with no food and supplies, until he produces enough goods and wares to compensate all crimes and atrocities he had commited. That is all.
You can have one last meal, Dreaad.
COME ON! I will die out there, Grim! How long do you think a men can last with no food and heaters?
Not my problem. I am the Will of the People, Dreaad. A humble servant of Kommunism.
May I at least take my bed with me?
No.
Fine, you may have a shoddy wooden bed from the prison. It's badly damaged, though.
Better than nothing.
I would break it and use the wood to start a campfire. This way you can hunt some game and roast the meat. And avoid dying from hypothermia, of course.
Hunt. Riiight.
In any case, you will manage. Work hard, be productive, remember your roots.
I hate you.
Time to go, convict. Grab the bed.
What IS this place?!
We used to live here once, a long time ago. You can say it's the place where KKK was founded. But now it's your new home, Dreaad. Gulag!
CYKABLYAT!!!
Make yourself comfortable. So long, Dreaad.
15th of Winter, 5501
What's that thing on your face, woman?
An eyepatch, tee-hee~
Trust me, I know what an eyepatch is. I'm wearing one. That piece of rag on your slutty mug is NOT an eyepatch.
You are such a jerk. I miss Dreaad already...
He's probably dead by now. Deal with it.
Meanwhile.
So cold. So DIRTY! Shieet, what kind of pigs lived here before?!
Is that... food? Looks pretty gross.
Still better than starvation. What else do we have here?
Leather is gud. Too bad it's turtoise and not Grimwulf leather, ахахахахаха, oh Dreaad.
Later that morning.
Nice eyepatch, lacgirl. Trendy. Fashionable.
Tee-hee, thank you, daddy.
Yeah. I'd love to stay and chat, but duty calls!
Aww. You promised to take a closer look at my loins. It feels funny lately. I need a doctor's opinion.
Sure thing! See you later!
Azira, you loco! Why are you running?
You'd better NOT go that way if you know what's good for you!
Hrmpf. Fine. I'm too hungry to work anyway.
Can we send lacgirl to live in Gulag with Dreaad? You know, as a part of Dreaad's punishment?
*nom nom* Nu.
You're not making my life easier, Grim.
Lenin endured. Stalin endured. Putin endured. And so should you! That's how kommunism works.
You there! Lactose woman!
Hello, Kommissar~
WORK HARDER!
Do you like my new eyepatch?~
No.
Figures. Do you think Dreaady will like it?
I bet Dreaad would like a set of proper tools right now. Diggin' dat iron with primitive pick and no skills must be pretty rough, GWA HA HA!
Speaking of mining. Can anybody LEND ME A HAND HERE, for fucks sake!
Kalin. If you keep asking people to do all the work, you will never learn. It's the same situation like with the hungry peasant.
What in shit's name are you blabberin' about?
When the peasant is hungry, a wise ruler won't give him fish. He will give him a fishing rod instead. You know what I mean?
WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH MINING GRANITE?!
Stop arguing, boys! You could make me a compliment instead~
Humm, that eyepatch is really ugly.
You're on thin-fucking-ice, Shrek. And I shall be under it when it breaks.
Yeah, right. With legs wide spread.
Fookin' hell. Mining, fighting, mining, fighting. Every fucking day.
The others ain't even working that hard. No effort, not a single shit given. Whatsoever.
I confronted Grimwulf about this injustice. And what did he say? Yes. Exactly.
From each according to his ability.
My ass.
Later that evening.
That's it for the doors.
Care to explain me the concept again? I don't get it still.
Easy. You are a dumb raider. You enter Grimwulfgrad through central door and end up in a corridor. In this corridor there are two granite doors: one is closed, and one is opened wide. Which will you choose?
I'll turn back, obviously. Would look for another way in. It's such an obvious trap, not even funny.
Remember, Kalin: we are talking about raiders and deers. Capitalists.
They are all dumb. That's why they care about money and wealth.
And what do WE care about?
Kommunity.
Alcohol.
Love.
uhh
Well, fuck me then! I CARE ABOUT WEALTH!!!
It will pass, Kalin. Have faith. Just look at the sunset. What do you see?
Fucking sun setting.
It's red. Now carry on with your duties, komrade.
Later that evening.
Told me to "calm down". CALM DOWN! As if I'm trying to have sex with everyone I see!
Not with Shrek - that's for sure!
Talking to yourself, lacgirl? Must've been a difficult day.
Oh, daddy. Your eyes are piercing my very soul. But I want you to look even deeper.
I need to focus on turrets, lacgril. And so should you.
Remember, love. When the night falls, I will be waiting in the darkest corner of the barracks. No questions asked.
QUIT YOUR BLABBERIN', lazy bastards! At least try to pretend you're working! Yes, I am looking at you, Kalin.
Why, you--
I AM THE ONLY ONE HERE WHO'S BEEN WORKING THIS ENTIRE DAY! My body is the Pain incarnated! Even my fucking balls are covered in sweat!!
What do you want from me? A medal?
A vacation!
GWA HAHAHAHAHA, good one.
Later.
Remind me why Grimwulf became the leader in the first place.
He had a warg.
What, that's it?
We're kinda got used to it, no?
Speak for yourself.
I like how his wrinkles are jumping all over his face when he's angry, tee-hee~
See? He's not that bad as a leader. If you think otherwise, you'll end up in Gulag one day.
Fine. You know what? I am going to SLEEP. Fuck labour.
Bye!
Good night, Kalin.
Hmm? What are you doing here?
Taking a short break.
The sun is still high, komrades.
Is it? I'll be on my way. Hello, friend.
*gulps*
Here we are all alone. In this horribly narrow tunnel...
A bit later.
Shrek? Are you crying?
My body was not ready for this.
Real men don't cry.
Later that night.
There you are. I was waiting for you~
Yeeeah.
Tell me what to do, doctor. Do you want me to remove my clothes? All of it?~
I want you to think about Dreaad. What do you think he's doing right now?
I'm sure he is fine. Dreaady needed some rest and privacy like no other.
What do you think he's thinking about?
Why, ME, of course. Tee-hee~
Meanwhile.
Glorious Grimwulfgrad.
The progress is fast, good. Could be faster, better.
I'm quite content with the overall flow. We could surely use more steel...
As a Kommissar you can always confiscate some from Dreaad.
Maybe. You see, Dreaad is a worthless piece of treachery. I refuse to acknowledge his helpfulness. Not at this point.
Turrets are important, Kommissar. Turrets and power.
We have almost enough steel to set five turrets and therefore defend half of Grimwulfgrad.
I believe in you, Kommissar.
Good. Would you kindly let me sleep then? Fuck's sake.
Two seasons. Half a year on this hostile planet drenched in capitalism. The shit I've seen...
And yet we are still here, protecting our small haven of Kommunism. That's worth something, I say.
You look like shit, Grimwulf. Hangover?
Wish it was. My head hurts from all that thinking. I blame Dreaad. Goddamn Dreaad.
You do realize that we are following you at all times? You can share your problems with us.
We must help each other. Establish a certain partnership.
I am here to serve.
Hm. Well then...
Dreaad is gone, and nobody - and I mean nobody - is going to clean this place from all the dirt and blood.
You can do it yourself.
Fuck you too, Nelson.
Azira, Kalin?
Refuse to do this cuck work out of principle.
Hello friend?
Barely manages to cut stone blocks fast enough. We need him where he is.
What about the girl?
I can't do all the building myself, I need extra hands. We absolutely must finish Grimwulfgrad before growing season begins.
I thought my brother is helping you too?
He was helping, yes. But I need him elsewhere today. A lot of mining needs to be done, both granite and compacted steel.
I see no problem in Kodex Kommunistic Kolony covered in blood. It makes things red. Red is the color of glory.
It's decided then. KKK doesn't need a janitor!
Congratulations on making it through the Winter, Grimwulf.
Bright future is waiting. Spring is a season of happiness and joyful labour!
We'll see.
You will only see your doom. KKK is a mess, and you know it.
1st of Spring, 5501
Good morning, Kommissar Wulf.
Mornin', Grim. *mumbles* Fucking asshole.
Komrademen. Did you leave Azira face to face with lacgirl?
More like legs to head, hehe.
Hehe... Not funny. I hate our barracks so much.
Hardships, my friend. The very essence of communal life. Isn't that right, private Greenbutt?
Uhhh, I need to go to my workshop.
That's right, get your stinkin' buttcheecks out of my sight! MOVE!! I love this chap.
Really? It's hard to tell.
You see, all of you people annoy me to no extent. But only that green guy acknowledges that and keeps his fucking distance. I can respect that.
And here I thought we are all friends here. You, me, Azira...
We are friends all right.
It's just that I want to bash you all to death, equally hard, but with a friendly smile on my face. Except lacgirl. No smile for her.
Speaking of smiles. I need to set up the turrets.
And I need to piss.
These components go there... These are needed here...
Don't forget about mortars. Artillery. Hitting from the skies, not like Thunderbolts of weak effeminate Gods, but like angry fists of the Proletariat. Yes.
*tinkering a problematic turret*
Build traps. Let them die on the fruits of the Workers' toil.
Muh-huh. Traps, turrets. I know how kommunism works, Servant.
Endure, Grimwulf. Build and toil. Fight.
Toll? That reminds me. I wonder if Dreaad managed to gather or produce anything? Anything at all?
Dreaad is either dead or gone mental. No point in thinking about Dreaad.
I surely hope he's dead, but that doesn't solve my iron crisis.
*psshhh* Azira, Kalin. How's it goin'?
*pssshhh* It's going slow, Grim.
Because SOMEONE was doing jack shit this whole morning!
I was busy.
Busy with what?
Protecting his virginity.
No. Avoiding unsavory - and potentially lethal - intercourse.
Grow some ballz, Azira.
Just give lacgirl some fucking sexual attention, dammit! But not during working hours. Now, I WANT TO HEAR YOUR PICKAXES!! Over and out.
Do you ever feel happy, Kommissar Wulf?
We must build our happiness with our own hands, private. Let me explain. If I make a gud turret, if I put my very soul in it - it will shoot a lot of people to death. This is happiness.
But I am just a stone cutter... How do I find my happiness?
Our walls and doors are made out of your stones. Imagine your enemy, wounded, limping, mentally broken. He tries to escape our wrath, but there is a thick granite walls behind him. He tries to climb it, he tries to break it, he cries and begs for mercy.
Uhhhh
But then Kalin approaches, his hand holding a heavy granite club. He's laughing while watching helpless bastard trying to do something with Grimwulfgrad's walls. Kalin bashes him, again and again, laughing maniacally.
Can we end this conversation? Please?
What conversation? I am talking to myself. Focus on your work, private Greenbutt! You are falling behind schedule!
*psshhh* This is lacgirl speaking, and I just wanted to say that I ABSOLUTELY LOVE daddy's ass. Over.
*whispers to himself* What the fuck...
Good day, Kommissar! Nice weather we have here. Such a gentle snow.
Get a goddamn grip, woman.
It makes me wanna purr~
Talking to you makes my brain hurr durr. Grab a drill and work these doors.
Just like angels building doorways to Heavan!
What is wrong with you, woman?
Humm, I can try to diagnose lacgirl. From a psychological standpoint.
Give it your best shot, Shrek.
She is a schizophrenic nymphomaniac demented...
That does it.
*runs away and locks himself insde the workshop*
You could be lovers. Just imagine your children, hur hur hur. Green, one-eyed, fucked up in the head. I foresee twins! Tranny twins!
Speeches like that is the reason I don't blame Dreaady for what he did.
Goddamn Dreaad. I'll go grab more steel. Kalin.
What a day, huh? What a pleasure would be to come back to your private house after such a long day. Lay on your double bed, enjoy the warmth from the heaters, probably read a book using your personal lamp.
Aye, that's life.
And now imagine COMING BACK TO A FUCKING NUTHOUSE, featuring mad sex-craving tranny, drunk serial killer surgeon, and snoring like a fucking mammoth green freak!!! Light? NO LIGHT FOR YOU! Personal space?? IN YOUR DREAMS!!
To each accord--
FUCK THIS SHIET! *walks away, raging all the way*
Mr. Kalin?
GIT OUT before I cut your guts off!
Okay...
WALK FASTER, private Greenbutt! This ain't no fancy-walking club, this is KKK!
*shaking* I wish I could stay in my workshop and never talk to anybody.
The green guy is pretty useless, huh?
I don't think so, Kalin. He is a perfect specimen for a great many experiments.
Your experiments are even more useless, Azira.
*psshhh* Kalin, Azira! Is that all the steel we have left? You were supposed to dig for more!
*pshhh* Just take it away from Dreaad, damn you! I'm sure he has plenty by now.
Pfff. I can solve my problems by myself. Azira, Kalin, go dig for more iron. Over.
I get slightly aroused when you throw orders at people...
You'll be slightly crushed to death if I throw that steel at you. Out of my way, woman.
Mmmmm, keep talking.
Later that evening.
Huff... Puff... So tired. Huh? Footsteps?
*sneaking around* Traders..?
Ahem! WELCOME, FRIENDS! Welcome! Do you have some food for trading, perchance?
Keep your distance, please. We are looking for Kodex Kommunistic Kolony.
You've came to the right place! This glorious house here is KKK, and I am the ruler of this place. Kommissar Dreaad.
Sorry, but you are looking like a hobo or a scout. We'll be on our way.
WAIT!
I have STUFF to trade! I know good jokes! REALLY GOOD! Please...
Awright, I officially don't know what's goin' on. When I give the "trade" order, Dreaad approaches the trader and, err, cancels? That "standing" status you see. There is no trading window.
I've never encountered such weirdness. I see three possibilities:
1. Trader doesn't have anything to trade. If that's even possible.
2. Some bug. Nothing I can do about it.
3. I am missing smth and therefore doing it wrong. Any ideas?
Meanwhile.
So what if lacgirl is really a tranny?
So what? I am a SPACE PILOT, Kalin. I am the one who penetrates the very fabric of reality! My, err, former Captain told me once, "Azira, you ARE the penetrator!". That was when I accidentally landed inside a deep cave in a mountain. Hauling our ship to the surface outside wasn't fun at all.
I see. You are the one who penetrates.
Exactly.
Still don't see a problem. If lacgirl has an unwanted surprise in store, you can always, well... Perform a certain surgical intervention?
Indeed, but if we take this slippery path, lacgirl is not the best candidate for creating a perfect komsomolka. One cannot help but admire your pigtails.
You take one more step, Azira, and I'll crush ye. Back off!
Relax, Kalin. It will be over soon...
... Hello?
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!
Sorry if we interrupted... something.
How did you open the door?
It wasn't closed.
... Oh.
We are travelling from Friendship's Mesa, were passing by your... famous... settlement. Thought we could stay a while, probably make a trade or two?
I don't have time for this crap. Speak with green dude what's-his-name, or inane big guy Grimwulf. If you try anything funny, I'll kill you with my club. Is that clear?
Of course.
Hello, friends! My name is hello friend!
Hello, friend hello friend...
U-huh-hu-hu-hu-hu.
You want to trade? You want to trade?
... No.
I've tried.
At this point I'm 78% sure this trader has nothing to trade, not even moneh. Dunno how this is possible, but here we are.
Huh? Why?
Look. If you let us rest from the long road, we'll be very grateful. Tomorrow we'll be on our way.
B-but--
Please. Allow us some privacy.
Uhhhhhhhhhh, why do you need those weapons?
For safety reasons. You have nothing to worry about... as long as you keep your distance.
Is everything alright here, Ryan?
Any trouble makers botherin' ya?
Umm, yes. These dignified gentlemen here say that they have nothing to trade...
Why the fuck did you bother to come here then?
We'll be on our way soon. We just need some rest in relative safety.
Just need some rest, huh?
Later that night.
What do you think about that, Servant?
I could repair that power cable faster and better.
I mean the unexpected visitors, you dimwit! Don't you find them suspicious?
They sound like Germans.
You can't be serious...
Two of them have handguns, one is armed with a knife. Either they are very poor travellers, or highly professional spies.
Of course. Spies scouting Grimwulfgrad!
I wonder who sent them. The District or the pirates?
The Deers.
For Heaven's sake!
I am worried about the power supply. We need more power, Kommissar.
Eh. It's enough for now.
Just BARELY. Anything might go wrong at any moment. Then we'll have only dead turrets to defend ourselves.
What we really need is more steel. We're out. Completely out of fucking steel.
Meanwhile.
Oh, noes... Last piece of... was it even meat? I'm not sure.
Still better than testicle shashlik, ха... ха... So tired. So hungry.
So. That was my last bit of food. Now what?
Later.
I don't like these visitors, Grimmie-Mimmy.
I don't like your face, but I'm doing my best to get over it. Return to your barracks, woman.
So. What do we do about this situation, komrades?
Homm, situation?
It's painfully obvious these people are here to spy. They are looking for weak spots in Grimwulfgrad. Hell, entire "fortress" is one massive vagina right now. A toothless one.
We should wait for Grimwulf's command.
We all know he will listen to the VOICES or some shit. I say we decide the matter by voting, as we usually do.
It's a political matter, Kalin. We have enough enemies as it is. Imagine for a moment that these people ARE just peaceful travellers from Friendship's Mesa. How do you think will Zero react if we kill them?
Why can't we live in peace?
MAKE YOUR KEY CHOICE
What to do with suspicious visitors?
1. They are OBVIOUSLY working for the Deers. Maybe for the District. Probably for pirates. Who cares? Dispose of them using turrets and Kalin, let no one escape! If we manage to capture one of them alive, the better. Interrogation material.
2. They are just travellers with empty pockets. No need to start another war. After all, sooner or later Friendship's Mesa will send a proper trading caravan. Which we really, really need.
We currently experience a serious shortage of steel. Kalin and Azira can only work so fast. Should we trade with Dreaad?
1. No. Fuck Dreaad, that treacherous asshole.
2. Yes. 75 steel for 1 simple meal. Why not make his life easier?
3. Yes. 150 steel for 1 simple meal. Make him work for his bread.
4. Yes. 300 steel for 1 simple meal. That will teach him what Labour really is.
KEY CHOICE I: If the Kolony offers you to trade for food, will you accept their offer? Keep in mind that you are in no position to bargain. You need food more than they need steel.
1. Yeah, FINE, whatever helps me to keep going...
2. FUCK these people! I am ready to die if it makes their lives even a BIT harder! GLORY BE!!!
KEY CHOICE 2: If you ever hope to come back and live in KKK, you must literally pay for your crimes. Kolonists will decide if your payment is sufficient. But first, you have to offer them something. What will you offer?
1. TECHNOLOGY. I will build a simple research bench, and bring KNOWLEDGE and PROGRESS in the name of KKK! Maybe I will even develop an Ultimate Plan of usurping the power, хахахах ххаа хаахаха
2. COLD STONES. Because honestly, it's pretty much the only thing you can do with your skillset.
3. FASHION. You have plenty of turtoise leather and your own vision. Nothing else needed.
4. NOTHING. Fuck them all. I will build my own colony or die trying. (spoiler: you will die trying)
How much steel does Dreaad have? If it's enough, 150 for 1 simple meal, it's enough steel to do something with and keeping our slavepolitical prisoner criminal worker well fed enough is a worthy investment, no?
Also, no need to start another war. We've already got 1/4 of the world at war with KKK. We should just let them stay the night.