Completed Let's Play Europa Barbarorum (Sweboz)

[Ivar the Boner]

Update 11 - War drums.

Spoiler

Romans are bringing more and more armies but Mediolanum still stands. I hope it will atract their attention long enough for us to secure mountain passes with fresh troops.

Just a two or three turns more guys, hold on.

Barely, but they did it.

Roman immidiately besieged it with new army though...

But our preparation for invasion of Gaul are over. Nov ve just have to send diplomat to Aedui to break our alliance and tell them prepare their wimmyns to welcome our soldiers GWAHAHAHAHAgaz!!!1!eingaz

Vill god var vill follow? Take a fucking guess.

I vill personally lead first strike at Cenabum. I vill do it myself because AIGILAZ STRONG! and Cenabum have to be taken quick so BLITZKRIEGAZ!!!1!eingaz can follow

Our romanioan friends didn't want to help us fight Italioans but they said they are on our side ven ve fight Aeduigaz.

And now ze siege of Aeduigaz capital. Bibracte have good valls and many soldiers, no point in dying storming it, ve vill starve ze garrison and force zem to surrender.

And we immidiately start recruiting fourth army becasue Mediolanum is about to fall and one army can't cover all mountain passes.

Aedui tries to relieve Bibracte. We outnumber them but fight will be "fair", the fuck do they have there?

Oh shiit.

Oh crap. Well, I don't have anyone to blame but me that we waited so long with destroying Aedui, now they are going to fucking spam elites. One thing I really like about sweboz is fact that they have only ONE heavy armoured elite unit. And this unit is on par with fucking hastati so you really have to use regional weirdos.

But, we have quite a lot "anti-armor" units here, so we should be fine. I shouldn't have said that, everytimeI say "we are fucked" I'm pulling heroic victory out of my ass and when I say "we should be fine" we get completley shafted...

Standard "there is nothing in the woods" formation.

Priority target for our slingers, they won't do much to a unit with 30 defence but they will do something.

This is first time we are using Belgae units. This is "worst" unit Belgae have so that says a lot about them. Unfortunately we, as a Sweboz, don't have acess to higher-tier Belgae units (Milnaht and Remi Marepos heavy cavalry).

We got contact, our slingers absorbed Aedui charge and now we can order general attack.

I LIED! WE HAD TROOPS IN THE WOODS!

Mass rout, now we will just send cavalry after routing units and prepare ourselves for second wave.

This wave is led by general, fortunately they have mostly Bataroas and they are on par with our Dugunthiz but have much, much shittier morale.

Stabity slash...

Their general is fucking idiot and we managed to surround him. I don't know if it is better to send spearmen at cavalry for their bonus against horsies or axemen for their anti-armor weapon so I decided to send...

Axeman did the job though...

Gods bless Celts and their shitty morale.

Bibracte is butthurt but I don't want to enslave 10000 fucking people, they can be useful so we relocated them.

Again we have family members crisis so we had to recruit mercenary general. We rolled "terrible tactician" well, fuck.

Then I noticed that Roman full-stack are in secret places, doing secret stuff and they left only small army sieging Mediolanum. I decided to send army to tell them to fuck off which will buy us another 3 or 4 turns.

Aigilaz STRONG! but can he beat Aedui high-king?

Mother fucking Conan?

Ve shall see!

Aedui army composition leaves a lot to be desired but they have 2 generals here which means 2 units of heavy cavalry and large morale boost.

Their main army done some crazy shit and smashed on our right flank leaving their reinforcements to deal with our left.

And our are ambushers now are the one being ambushed.

But our center is free and we can easily encircle both armies.

Brennos is dead and he was leading Aedui main force.

Which means mass rout. Now we have to deal with mr Conan.

And there he goes, slashed by brave Cherusci warrior.

If those guys were Romans, we would be dead.

Now Suebic tribal konfederationagaz have population equal to Roman Republic and second only to Ptolemaioi.

And Segumerjaz is seriously fucking with Roman plans of re-taking mediolanum which gives us even more time to fight Aedui.

I doubt captain Kaeso will be able to take this bridge with those yahoos.

- Maybe it would be less painful if we just drowned yourselves?

Yeah, no pedites extraordinary = no bridge.

Aedui formed alliance with rome, can't blame them, that's their only hope. They are also allied with Lusotannan which actually annoys me because I wanted to be their allies (so we would have safe-ish western front).

Vell, ve are still allied with romanioans and Arverni AKA Turkey.

This dude have much better chances at taking this bridge.

Those alpine phalanx dudes are perfect for defending bridges against romans. They work like our speudogordoz, which means they are not getting tired at all when defending AND have secondary armor-piercing weapon to use when romans break their formation. And they are fucking cheap!

Celtic dicks hitting romans ass and legs omg itz hevun.

One town rebelled from romanioans to Aeduigaz. I'm all for making romanioans weaker if zey don't vant to help us fighting italioans, but it vill make make destroying Aeduigaz impossible.

Its time to continue our offensive in Gaul. I decided to ignore Viennos for now and ordered one army to go straight for Lemonum. Hopefully Aeduigaz won't move their army from Viennos and it vill act like a buffer between us and Italioans.

Ok, there is no chance Mediolanum can defend against this shit and I won't tell Segumerjaz to abandon his bridge because more full stacks are coming.

Army besieging Lemonum got attacked from behind. I knew it would happend and I actually wanted it to happen. We can run circles around Celtic armies and this will only speed up process of conquering this city.

We rushed first army and then just turned around and destroyed garrison. City is ours.

When life gives you Lemonum, you expel it.

And that's it for good news because romans arrived with VENGENCE!

 

[Ivar the Boner]

Update 12 - Death of a Hero.

Spoiler

Vat is it Italioans? did ve kill every roman citizen already? because that's quite a multi-kulti army you have zere...

That's may be multi-cultural clusterfuck but it's still 4 thousand men.

We blocked the bridge with 5 units and send rest to deal with reinforcements behind us.

Roman reinforcements are routing and now we have to haul our asses back because...

... We are getting raped on the bridge.

We reinforced the bridge and roman mercenaries don't want to cross it anymore.

There were only 10 minutes of battle left when roman general made fatal mistake of personally leading small charge and died in the process.

I actually wanted Segumerjaz to die in this battle, he is oldfag and should pack his shit and go to valhalla.

Ok, I will put Segumerjaz in front line this time, he's too much of a badass and Suebic national hero (even though he is Marcomanni) to die of old age.

CHAAAARGE!

Amasin grace, how sweet ze sound.

He fell to the river!

And there he goes... what a way to go.

Goodnight sweet prince

And then we killed romans and get ourselves drunk in honor of Segumerjaz.

This battle may be slightly harder because Aedui have unit of very experienced Gaesatae.

We will rush army that attacked us and destroy it. Meanwhile our skirmishers will annoy Avaricum garrison, force it to chase them around and exhaust the shit out of them.

We completed first part of the plan, relieve army and general that was leading it are dead and Avaricum garrison is all over the place chasing our skirmishers.

Now we can just eliminate isolated units, like those Gaesatae here.

And leader of Avaricum garrison got fucking stuffed with javelins and I don't even know where it happened.

But them Celts don't like their generals being dead and flee.

I don't know why it is "heroic victory" when we lost so many troops.

But Avaricum is ours and we relocate it's population even though our shitty-ass farming won't let us keep them alive for long.

And now we will have very convoluted city defence with half of defenders being outside the city. Well, this might be interesing.

Reinforcements arrived. We told them to walk towards us slowly because idea here is to fight exhausted romans with fresh troops. THAT'S THE ONLY WAY!1

Mediolanum garrison is ready, we are on "hold position" and on the hill, our soldier will do less damage but won't get tired much fighting this way.

We are harassing them with our cavalry but not many fucks are given.

And clusterfuck begins.

They are pushing us back but we killed their general...

... put our slingers behind them...

... and our reinforcements arrived to ruin their motherfucking day.

SPLOOOOSH.

Go back to Italioa, dis our clay now.

We have majority of gaul conquered, soon we shall take Viennos and then backstab Arverni because they are shit allies and can be Turkey as much as I care.

But this shit is annoying. Because Vindobonna rebelled to Aedui we won't be able to destroy them and form alliance with Lusotannan. Which means we probably will be at war with them soon.

Being surrounded by enemies means ve vill be able to kill zem all at once!

That's unexpected. Aedui hauled their asses out of Viennos to attack our army.

Well, they have nicer army and our general is terrible (that's this "terrbile tactician" guy) but they are celts, they don't stand a chance.

And we have one unit of Germanic Heavy Infantry, they are Sweboz elite soldiers and we can recruit them only as a mercenaries in Sweboland until reform kicks in.

I think this general is actually hurting morale of our troops because I put slingers in front and some of them just routed when they spotted Aedui army.

That's a proper SMASH! of battle lines. We haven't got many of those because I'm scared shitless of javelin exchanges.

This army was originally designed to fight romans so we have a lot of anti-armor guys and no archers. Unfortunately we also don't have any cavalry.

We crushed Aedui left flank and now it's time to collapse on their center.

We didn't rout them but they are bugging out.

We can't reach Viennos this turn though and they will have time to replenish their losses (AI can keep spamming stacks even with one town).

 

[Storyfag]

You're worse than the Cimbri and Teutonnes combined

 

[Ivar the Boner]

But we ARE Cimbri and Teutones, they just don't have Gauis Marius to save them... and we have a bridge!

 

[Ivar the Boner]

Update 13 - New overlords of Yurop.

Spoiler

Last bastion of Aedui in gaul is under siege, when it falls they will be Hungary. Then we will take last bastion of Arverni and they will be Turkey. Fucking Celts in this game are Poles of antiquity.

Ve vill also conquer zem Bretons and Scheisse Video vill no longer by only Sweboz source of income, ve vill be also selling Alan Stivell albums.

Meanwhile in the south, there be Roman shitstorm a-brewing.

Romans pulled-off Hannibal and sneaked army across the alps. Well, fuck.

We should start some kind of religious cult centered around this fucking bridge man.

Ok, they crossed fucking alps in winter just to approach Mediolanum from different direction. Roman ways are mysterious...

Jesus, that's the army that crossed alps. Guys, it's not the SIDE of a bridge that is a problem, its the bridge itself.

Captain Titus realised dream of every roman and experienced other side of this bridge. He is too dead to tell anynone what he saw there though.

I don't know what romans are trying to do but I decided to recruit another army to guard our rear, just in case. Also, our conquest of Gaul is going slow because we have only 2 armies there and they have to conquer it, pacify and then oversee setting our govenment, that's fucking plenty for two armies.

This time our "faction leader" will have to defend Mediolanum without any outside support (bridge rapist are too busy bridge raping).

I think he got this though.

Yup.

GWAHAHAAHgaz!!1!eingaz It's no longer Yurop italioans, it's MEINROP!!11eingaz

"Breaker of Rome" that's sounds very nice. It will be his only official title though, this dude is infertile and he can't continue royal line so son of Aigilaz will be next heir (By the way, we have way to many dudes named Aigilaz).

JA! dis might be our chance!

We gave them 2000 mnai and they accepted to be our allies.

I'm in yo shit, snatching yo allies GWAHAHAHAAHgaz!!11!eingaz

Carthage attacked some free state in Iberia and it started war between them and Lusotannan and made their alliance chain collapse. That's great news for us unless Lusotannan will get steam-rolled by dem Phoencians.

Safe-ish western front means we can remove romans from Tolosa.

Darioritum surrendered.

No we have acces to shitton of stones that gives us nothing. We can destroy them for 1500 mnai when in desperate need though.

Also, we have access to Celtic Shortswordsmen here and every melee unit we can recruit in Gaul is welcome.

Last stand of Aeduigaz before they become Hungary.

Viennos is quite unhappy so we shall expel it and then ask Aedui for peace and trade rights.

Now we have to quickly take Tolosa before Roman reinforcements arrive.

Oh crap, Pedites Extraordinary, dis gonna hurt.

It was painful but now Italioans are almost pushed back to their precious Italioa. Now we must recruit some Kelts to make Arverni into Turkey. And remember, every Kelt that trait his race on our side is not race traitor, is hero.

They are happy, occupy.

I wanted to send diplomat to Aedui but I noticed they don't exist anymore, we killed their last family member and they are destroyed.

Time to remove roman reinforcements that arrived too late to save Tolosa.

Zey have mostly keltic race traitors zere so it should be easy.

Ve used our proven pitched battle tactics - smash into enemy in pray to ze gods that you come out on top.

It vorked, praise ze gods I guess GWAHAHAAHAgaz!!11!eingaz

Our Belgae allies smashed into what is left of italioan force and ve have to hurry up to help zem because zey may be Belgae bu zey are still fucking kelts, they are not very into it.

But Sweboz are into it and ve arrived in time and ze day is ours.

Unfortunately we didn't had any kalavery so many race traitors managed to run away.

Now fuck bridges and citey defens. I will just stand here and chalangae every Italioan that tries to enter our clay. No, I don't hate Italioa, but I pity the fools and I will destroey any man who tries to take vat I got. Also, pain.

None is brave enough so ve have to go to zem.

They were just race traitors again and zey run away ven dey spoted us.

Mesallia traditional germanic clay, no argue about that. But ve don't know what herr Manius Cornelius Blasio have with him so for now I just stand on the bridge and wait for ocassion to take bakc our clay.

Manius think he's Agemannon and he have fucking hoplites GWAHAHAHAHgaz!!11!einaz. Also, it's vinter so he can fucking move anyway, I decided to besiege Mesallia and take bakc our clay. And that's not all...

Zey won't even fucking know vat hit zem here. Ve smuggled army through Norici clay (and they kicked our butts two times but ve managed to flee) and ve are about to fukc up their Illyria. Sweboz are full of surprise and win.

 

[Ivar the Boner]

Update 14 - Fighting romans and shit, you know, the usual.

Spoiler

I don't know vat you vant in our clay arverni, but if you try anything funny ve vill make you into turkey faster zan you can say "River Dance"

Also, herr Manius have more than just hoplites and ve had to abandon the siege or fight surrounded...

It might have been unfair but I spit in ze eyes and flag of fair ven I fight Italioans.

Now we can siege Mesalia again.

And star screwing up their Illyrian holdings by sieging Segestica.

Romans might be trying to do something sneaky but this army will get raped by Norici if it tries to get to us through their land.

Stupid Italioans think zey secure in their clay, zey go for a valk and zen BAM! 2 thousand germans up their ass GWAHAHAHAAHgaz!!!1!eingaz

Ha, that's strange. Ve alvays been too busy getting our asses raped by zem to notice hov small zey are... like dorfs compared to Sweboz.

I failed to intercept army romans send to relieve Messalia, we have to abandon the siege again.

This ambush may end fucking poorly.

Thanks, Vegetius...

That's most retarded ambush spot I ever saw in my life. We would have fight uphill I we wanted to surround them. I decided to treat it almost like regular battle instead (but we deployed some soldiers behind romans).

We will wait till romans engage our main infantry line.

And then attack them with what we deployed on their rear.

This shit looks like one of the Teutoburg engagements.

With exception that it's hard to say who is getting his ass kicked.

But I think the tide is turning.

Yeah, It wasn't that bad.

Oh, fuck you!

This hill is our only hope and I don't feel bad about camping on red line when we are so badly outnumbered by superior force.

This hill is quite high and I hope romans will give us some time to rest before they attack.

To ensure we have time to rest after hill climbing we left some suicide ambushers in woods.

Romans formed a line looking all scary and shit... and that's all they did for about 20 minutes.

I was already celebrating victory due to timer running out when they finally attacked.

They were coming in small waves so I decided take a shot at eleminating isolated units. Well, it turned out to be stupid fucking idea.

They were popping out from the woods by hundreds like some... germans, man. We had to retreat.

Save us mr. Timer, you are our only hope!

Time up, ve von! GWAHAHAHAHAHAgaz!!!1!eingaz

And we went back to bridge raping because romans are not weakened enough to attack them.

Agilaz's offensive was a fucking trainwreck which he survived only thanks to divine intervention, we have to evacuate him back to germania.

Which means no Massila for us. Garrison is too strong to storm the walls and we can't starve it because Agilaz screwed up in Liguria.

I don't even.

We won't have Massila anytime soon so we have to backstab Arverni and take Gergovia because GERMANIA MUST GROW.

But at least our deception strike at Illyria is going as planned.

Ok, I forgot that there is no deployment phase when garrison tries to break the siege and I pressed "fight in battle map" and then went to do some shit in the garden. Well, it looks like we are winning though.

It's a miracle that no family member died here.

Segestica will get it's ass enslaved because they are unhappy and we are good on population.

 

[Fafnir]

 

[Ivar the Boner]

Update 15 - Celtic Insurgency.

Spoiler

Technically we are no backstabbing bastards this time. We broken our alliance with Arverni diplomatically and then they ambushed our army (and fled), so they started it this time.

Go back to your precious Turdulia.

Well, Arverni are not learning from Roman mistakes.

They have some troops behind us (including two generals) but majority of their infantry will have to go through this bridge.

Which means going through our loyal Swebros - Alpine spearmen. And I don't think that Bataroas will suceed at something that even Pedites Extraordinary failed at.

Then I noticed that my Alpine dudes drops dead surprisingly fast. Well, those Bataroas have 7 level of experience, they are better than Pedites.

Still not fucking good enough!

Now we just need to turn around and slaughter Yahoos that spawned behind us.

Both Arverni generals died here. I think that rest of them is in Gergovia and Arverni will be gone when we take it (They got Ankyra because it rebelled from Arche Seleukeia so they can't have any family members there).

Now we lay siege to Gergovia and build siege towers (Sweboz SMART!) and ladders this time because garrison is weak.

Unfortunately this army will be able to reach Gergovia and will surely try to break the siege unless winter saves us.

Meanwhile, we have one full stack ready (archers didn't arrived yet) and when we replenish Agilaz force after Ligurian failure we will have two. We shall send them at Masilla. I thought about helping Lusotannan against Carthage (they are getting steam-rolled) but I decided against it, romans have smaller armies and less money but they can send legionnaries at us, which we can't hope to beat in pitched battle. Carthage will have to rely on Iberian natives and I think we can beat those easily*.

There is also one huge problem though, Carthage is posed to attack us in Gaul and Gaul is our weak spot, we can't recruit jack shit there. I changed our governments there and developed some factional MICs but we still can't recruit Celto-Germanic Spearmen which is worrying. Romans, on the other hand, have to fight best shit we got (Speudogordoz, Alpine phalanx and Teceitos Axeman).

Winter was not enough to stop arverni and relieve force arrived at Gergovia.

We have pretty standard deployment with significant flanking force hidden in the woods on our army left flank.

Our skirmishers are told to fuck with arverni immidiately. Hopefully this make them run and tire themselves before main engagement. We need to keep our casualties low because this army have to reinforce bridge-rapists near Masilla after this battle.

Celts are tired of getting their head smashed by lead bullets and are charging.

No point in javelin exchange, we have to charge because bad intentions are shitty armor against pointy sticks.

It's time to unleash our hidden reserves.

Our right flank is fleeing and shit stopped looking pretty.

But left is doing spiffy.

Now we have to send our archers at arverni cavalry and collapse our infantry on their main line.

Well, bummer. It didn't worked so well. I think we ain't reinforcing shit with those guys.

Masillan bridge rapist are on their own. This army is dead. This aggresion will not stand Arverni!

Fucking Romans gathered like vultures they are!

No bridge for you though!

Change of plans guys, you are not going to Masilla. We need to give this army to Agilaz and put the Arverni down.

Meanwhile in Illyria things are going fine. We can recruit Illyrian troops in Segestica so our offensive here may turn out to be something more than just deception. But first we need to remove roving roman armies.

We have huge terrain disadvantage here so we have to find better place to fight.

Our skirmishers will cover our asses while we move.

Or our infantry will have to cover them as they fail to skirmish.

We dealt with Illyrian coastal levies and now one unit of Triarii wants to play.

I'm all for playing with isolated Triarii.

Ok, whole "hold the line on even ground" plan is officialy thrown out of the window.

Romans have mostly costal levies who are good against armor but we don't have any so they are pretty much useless here and we should be fine.

Roman heavies are fleeing and we can just charge their squishy part.

And they routed straight away.

U see Illyrians? Italioans can't lead you to victrey, join us! Illyria can be STRONG! when bros of Sweboz!

Romans apparently have too many soldiers because they decided to throw away some of them by sending Masilla garrison to die at the bridge of death.

We can actually make a move on Masilla now without sending another army here.

We left strong garrison in Mediolanum and ordered our bridge-rapist to stand on different bridge and cut off any potential relieve force from reaching Masallia.

And then third siege of Masallia begins.

In Gaul, Arverni completely wasted their chance and did nothing after crushing our army. Agilaz is only two or three seasons away from Gergovia.

Meanwhile in the east, after leaving some soldiers in Segestica we move our army to kick Romans out of Dalmatia.

 

[Kashmir Slippers]

Bump!

 

[Azira]

It's some mighty fine map-painting you've got going on there.

 

[Storyfag]

Bumpgaz.

 

[Azira]

Rump-gas?

 

[Storyfag]

Just 12 more needed. Keep at it, lads!

 

[Storyfag]

The more, the merrier.

 

[Storyfag]

Onvards! To viktory!

 

[Storyfag]

But the Boii will still rape you, Ivar

 

[Ivar the Boner]

But the Boii will still rape you, Ivar

I'm actually worried about how the fuck are we supposed to conquer Boii and Lugjoi because other than getting Gawjam-Bastarnae and raiding Patavium it's our only victory condition left.

 

[Ivar the Boner]

Because fucking Boii armies respawn if you fail to take the city and this shit may happen:

 

[Storyfag]

Lolwut?! This never happened in my games!

I think you need to kill their army with one army, besiege their city with another, and continue to use the first army to kill the respawning doomstack while the siege lasts. Or some shit like that.

 

[Dayyālu]

Ahhh, yes. The "emergency button" in the Eb script going mad. That happens when the 'Mobile Doomstack' seems not to react to your invasion, I think. Storyfag strategy is solid, but storming the city with your best troops sometimes works. Using extra armies as AI reinforcements seems to bug the AI (in my games, they did nothing during the assaults!).

And thanks, Ivar. Your LP gave me strength to end something that was long overdue.

Spoiler

What now? Pontos, Sabaeans or Hay?

 

[Ivar the Boner]

Ahhh, yes. The "emergency button" in the Eb script going mad. That happens when the 'Mobile Doomstack' seems not to react to your invasion, I think. Storyfag strategy is solid, but storming the city with your best troops sometimes works. Using extra armies as AI reinforcements seems to bug the AI (in my games, they did nothing during the assaults!).

And thanks, Ivar. Your LP gave me strength to end something that was long overdue.

Spoiler

What now? Pontos, Sabaeans or Hay?

Holy crap, that's impressive. Pontos and Armenia seems to be equally suicidal choices, I always wondered how you are supposed to survive as 1 province minor surrounded by enemies. Because tactics of disbanding armies and developing economy don't seems like good idea when you border Arche Seleukeia.

 

[Ivar the Boner]

Lolwut?! This never happened in my games!

I think you need to kill their army with one army, besiege their city with another, and continue to use the first army to kill the respawning doomstack while the siege lasts. Or some shit like that.

I'm absolutely sure I won't be able to beat them in one battle and as Dayyalu said, having another stack as AI reinforcements is bad idea because they will do nothing. I guess I will have to stack spam them... but actually we have more "pressing" problems in this campaign than Boii*.

*
*Cough* *Cough* Carthage *Cough*...

 

[Storyfag]

Impressive indeed!

Go for Pontos, I say.

 

[Fafnir]

Impressive. Bump

 

[Storyfag]

of Carthage, eh?