Before the final confrontation in C: The wizard and dwarf travel to the vast steppes of the desktop in search of enlightenment.
“You dirty old tit!” The dwarf howls. “How much longer are we going to stay on this featureless desktop?!”
“Be-gone! You sub-human shit-bag” Screams the wizard. “I’m staying here until
it arrives.”
Many hours pass lost in meditation. Finally the skies part and
it appears before them. The WinZip upgrade screen. “With these upgrades we will finally have the capabilities to tackle C:” surmises the wizard.
“$49.95 for the new version? F*CK THAT!” Bellow the wizard and dwarf in unison, for once united in purpose. And with their resounding declamation made, our two heroes march into the hidden depths of the home directory.
And now the final battle in C:
All it’s most foul denizens have gathered.
FLAC’s, RIP's, AVI's, APE’s, ISO’s, TIFF’s . . .
Garfield Blu-Ray, Meet the Fockers Blu-Ray, Love Actually Blu-Ray . . .
With a bloodcurdling roar the dwarf charges.
Invokes the Rune of Ages (ancient heirloom of dwarven data miners).
It splinters Meet the Fockers Blu-Ray into multiple self-extracting archives.
And e-mails them to the director of Meet the Fockers
(Jay Roach), destroying his computer.
The wizard issues a challenge of single combat to Garfield Blu-Ray.
“I am seneschal of the holy light and guardian of this drive. Garfield Blu-Ray you f*cking c*nt, today you die.”
The wizard casts Lvl 9 Delta Encoding.
Rushing to Garfield Blu-Ray’s aid come a swarm of heavy duty System Images (50GB each).
The dwarf hurls his +5 Axe of Sparse Bit Arrangement.
The wizard offers up his soul and begins an all-powerful concatenation.
His eyes glow white as his body is embalmed in a nimbus of divine phosphorescence.
The twelve spectres of the lords of magic form a circle around him.
The Trickster God winks and with a smile grants the wizard limitless mana.
The wizard casts a Lvl 12 Epic Lempel-Ziv Markov Chain Algorithm.
Powerless, Garfield Blu-Ray is compressed to 80%
Standing firm, Garfield Blu-Ray calls upon the WindZ of Shit, drawing our heroes into his own encryption.
Unable to stop his onslaught. The dwarf and wizard look on with dread as their limbs are slowly encrypted.
Suddenly a clap of thunder. And the ghostly form of the cleric enters from the dimension of lost souls.
“Garfield you piece of shit!” The cleric makes the sign of Chi Rho and casts Lvl 12 Self Dissolving ARChive. “In the beginning was the word, and the word is YOU'RE F*CKED!” he booms.
Using the last of his energy, the cleric vanishes forever . . . redeemed.
“Garfield you are truly fucked!” re-iterates the wizard. Grabbing the dwarfs arm the wizard severs it at the shoulder with a real-time dynamic unpacking algorithm and the pair break free.
Garfield Blu-Ray is compressed and dissolves into digital slurry.
The dust settles. Bloodied but unbowed our heroes survey the carnage. The only free-roaming files left are the Windows directory and WinZip itself. “We have to zip them to clear the dungeon.” States the wizard in solemn tone. “What do you reckon’s going to happen?” Enquires the dwarf.
“Have you heard of the holographic principle?" The wizard begins sagely. "It is conceivable that all we take to be this material world is actually compressed on a 2D surface of maximum entropy at the cosmological boundary point.” “So zipped files could maintain an existence?” The dwarf asks hopefully. "Well, yes. But let’s face facts, that’s probably a crock of bullshit and we’re going to snuff it." Concedes the wizard.
Bozark GayFart (dwarf, Lvl 19): Then Valhalla calls, it was an honour.
Gaydalf (wizard, Lvl 25): Carpe diem, my friend.
And with that, the wizard and dwarf begin their last encryption, and vanish forever in a subluminal foam of scintillating digits.
The End