Random thoughts on various new and old games (indie, classics, abandonware)

[Binky]

Zeno Clash (2009)

First-person asskicker. Explore the weird world of Zenozoik as Ghat, the anorexic version of Conan, while beating up freaks and family members. Short and sweet. Apart from a few times when you need to use a ranged weapon, you can just bash enemies with your fists or melee weapons. If you ever wanted to knee your brother in the face, uppercut your sister, or just pummel some cannibalistic nutjobs, then this is the game for you. Kinda wish it was longer and had more boss fights and fewer flunkies to punch. Fighting your relatives and them returning with bruises is a nice touch - leaving your mark on the world. The story is as bonkers as the setting. Heard the sequel kinda sorta sucks, but at least there's the original for all your weirdo punching needs. Not bad for a Chilean dev team.

Take your lumps

Spoiler

Am I my brother's keeper?

Spoiler

Peanuts for Dumbo

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Happy trails, partner.

End of the line, pilgrim.

After laughter comes pain

Spoiler

 

[Binky]

Majesty: The Fantasy Kingdom Sim (2000)

A game where you don't need to micromanage every unit. Need something explored? Plop an exploration flag. Need something killed or destroyed? Plant an attack flag and your heroes will do the rest. None of the heroes biting? Simply raise the reward and they'll come running. Heroes have their own personalities and agendas. Some explore, others look for a good fight. Some will focus on defending your area, others will go looking for loot. The rogue is a prime example of a greedy and unscrupulous twat. An enemy planted an attack flag on one of your buildings? Guess who'll attack it. Your own fucking rogues. Don't ever need to wait for the enemy heroes to waltz in. 'Course, two can play that game. Enemy rogues destroying their own guild is very satisfying.

The game has a few pretty tough missions (especially the Northern Expansion expansion pack), which is pretty rare for an RTS. Prolly the easiest way to win a mission is by building a temple to Krolm and then just spamming Rage of Krolm until the opposition is dead and buried. With a Sean Conneryish-voiced mentor, memorable voice acting for the units, entertaining missions, and a whole lotta charm this ought to have been a long and successful series. Sadly, they botched the sequel and it all went sideways.

Heroes of might and magic

Spoiler

Wizards have the constitution of wet cardboard. "I'm melting!" - most common line spoken by them.

Krolm makes me stronger

Spoiler

Before Rage of Krolm.

After Rage of Krolm.

Looks pretty bad, but if you've got the cash, you can just zap these beasties with chain lightning.

 

[luj1]

Moonstone: A Hard Days Knight (1992)

For some strange reason this game completely escaped my notice until quite recently. Bloody good fun. Nice intro & outro, animations, graphics, and a simple yet addictive gameplay - had to beat it with all four knights. Amusingly enough, the dragon wasn't my most dreaded foe. Was quite simple to beat once you figure out that you have to keep your distance. The real danger for me were those twerps with mauls who kept hammering me from both sides and leaving me unable to do anything. Gotta love the acquisition scroll. Had the keys, the sword of sharpness, and the moonstone nabbed from me by my cunning rivals.

Slash and chop

Spoiler

I hate these lurking instakill twats.

Sneaksie thiefsie.

Goddamn grifter. His power is always "weak this week."

Recharge your batteries at Stonehenge

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Ribbit.

Is dragon flesh edible?

Epic.

Kept getting flashbacks of Battle Chess...

...and A Bastard's Tale

Spoiler

moonstone is a cult title

 

[Binky]

Zeus: Master of Olympus (2000)

I'm a big fan of Impressions' city builders. Zeus is the easiest and most dumbed down of the bunch, but it has some features I like quite a lot.

I could build up a massive army in Caesar III. Any invasion by the unwashed hordes on my cities ended in them getting slaughtered by my ballista towers, the spirit of Mars, and my legions. Thing is, your army just sits there on its ass. Sure, you can provoke Seezur and stomp his legions when he sends them to discipline you and get some kudos from the peepool back in Rome. But you can't go on the offensive. This changes in Zeus, where you can raid, conquer, bully, gift, or help other cities. Hell, you can send heroes and others along with your troops when you go a-pillaging. And you can conquer your allies and make them vassals too.

"…you know as well as we do that right, as the world goes, is only in question between equals in power, while the strong do what they can and the weak suffer what they must."
- Thucydides

Gone too are the massive monuments of Pharaoh. The sanctuaries of Zeus are quite quick and easy to build. One thing I don't miss when playing Zeus is the spamming of festivals. If you build a sanctuary to a god, you get the benefits. End of story. Previously, gods were old school. Worship or suffer. The gods in Zeus are like a whiny, needy girlfriend. "Why won't you worship me? Puhleese worship me! I'll bring you so many benefits if you worship meeeeeee…" Zeus is also more cartoony and fantastical. You've got heroes, gods, and monsters prancing around. Nothing quite like seeing Zeus stomp some god and then blessing a dairy.

Instead of starting from scratch every episode, you now continue building up a single city over the course of several episodes + setting up a colony/colonies. This could be great if you would face more natural disasters, invasions, and challenges in later episodes. As it is, it's fairly trivial even on the hardest setting. You have plenty of resources and lots of room to build. The roadblock introduced in Pharaoh is here to stay and makes your life much easier. No more watching the tents go to palaces and vice versa when a walker goes on a distant ramble. Housing is divided into elite and common ones. Common provides the stone-throwing militia, while elite gets you hoplites/cavalry. Though, in large numbers, the militia can bring down even monsters.

Thankfully, the game doesn't have the silly feng shui of Emperor.

The club of Hercules

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Gonna get yer heads bashed in, boyos.

No worries, they'll be vassals soon.

Man alive, you can't have a city without wine!

Spoiler

Build me a pyre to roast my friends upon

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I stoned this doofus to death twice when he showed up. Took a while, though.

I still fondly remember Caesar III's African missions where the buildings would spontaneously combust.

 

[Binky]

Hammer of the Gods (1994)

While I wait for MRY to finish Fallen Gods (aaany day now), I thought I'd revisit Hammer of the Gods for some vikingy pillaging. Four races vie for the favor of the gods. The gods' quests vary from race to race. Some demand you raze cities, some want you to explore, others request you vanquish monsters, etc. Once you finish a god's quest, you get goodies: magic items, heroes, powerful units like the fire giant or wizard. This is a great concept, but alas, the quests are fairly quickly done, with the exception of Odin's victory one, where you kinda sorta have to take over most of the map to fulfill the conditions anyway. More focus on sucking up to the gods and more of the nice but rare art would make this game much better. Beat it with elves and humans on the historic map, with humans being the best faction, since they're located smack dab in the middle of Scandinavia and can get anywhere fairly quickly via ship. Whereas trolls are stuck in the arse end of Russia and take forever to get anywhere. How come? You can only recruit units in your capital. Tried a random map. Generated a huge landmass with barely any water. Yeah, thanks but no thanks. Movement in hills, forests, and mountains is slow even if you build roads. You can also erect castles that will send units to attack nearby enemies. A neat trick is to build large castles near rival cities. Rival declares war on you? Your castles will attack and raze those cities to the ground or at least weaken them enough so you can take them over with your units. Also, when a hero croaks a valkyrie carries them off to Valhalla to the tune of Ride of the Valkyries. Outstanding.

Jötunn

Spoiler

Have at thee, sea dragon of Christ!

Weapons of war: sword, spear, bow, axe, and drumstick.

Nice rack.

From Reykjavik to Miklagard

Spoiler

 

[MadMaxHellfire]

looks like you crave for obscure titles. let's see if i can pull some from my memory.

metal masters.
rome: pathway to power
imperium
infestation
and i'd have liked to add a game whose interface was slightly similar to captain blood's but even i can't remember its name.
edit: found. eco phantoms.
no idea what kind of game it was, it's here just for obscurity's sake.

 

[Binky]

Dink Smallwood (1997)

Either the best thing since soft toilet paper or a steaming pile of shovelware garbage. It basically depends on whether you like the humor or not. A perverted pig farmer sets out to be a hero. He punches inanimate objects, he makes crude sexual remarks, he's an all-round asshole, he kills monsters. The game is pretty short and can be beaten in a few hours. Rivals King of Dragon Pass as one of the most duck-filled games. Gameplay, graphics, and music are not exactly top-notch, to put it mildly, but you can sniff out some hidden areas via exploring, including an island of bloodthirsty giant ducks (of course!). I do appreciate some completely optional stuff that gives you absolutely no exp, since it's not really a quest or anything - like solving your aunt's domestic abuse situation (permanently).

Pig farming 101

Spoiler

The Mighty Ducks

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Arguably, one of the greatest sentences in gaming.

I would do anything for you, DDC

Spoiler

For king and country

Spoiler

 

[BLOBERT]

Zeno Clash (2009)

First-person asskicker. Explore the weird world of Zenozoik as Ghat, the anorexic version of Conan, while beating up freaks and family members. Short and sweet. Apart from a few times when you need to use a ranged weapon, you can just bash enemies with your fists or melee weapons. If you ever wanted to knee your brother in the face, uppercut your sister, or just pummel some cannibalistic nutjobs, then this is the game for you. Kinda wish it was longer and had more boss fights and fewer flunkies to punch. Fighting your relatives and them returning with bruises is a nice touch - leaving your mark on the world. The story is as bonkers as the setting. Heard the sequel kinda sorta sucks, but at least there's the original for all your weirdo punching needs. Not bad for a Chilean dev team.

Take your lumps

Spoiler

Am I my brother's keeper?

Spoiler

Peanuts for Dumbo

Spoiler

Happy trails, partner.

End of the line, pilgrim.

After laughter comes pain

Spoiler

BRO YOU OFFICIALLY GET BIG UPS

THIS GAME IS ONE REASON MY FAGBOX 360 IS STILL PLUGGED IN

BRO LOLLLLLOL LOLOL I LOVE THAT THE ANTAGONIST IS FATHERMOTHER

 

[BLOBERT]

BRO THAT REMINDS ME FIRST PERSON HAND TO HAND GAMEA ARE RARE

ZENOCLASH 1 AND 2
RIDDICK
CONDEMNED 1 AND 2

ANY OTHER GAMES DO IT WELL

 

[Riskbreaker]

BRO THAT REMINDS ME FIRST PERSON HAND TO HAND GAMEA ARE RARE

ZENOCLASH 1 AND 2
RIDDICK
CONDEMNED 1 AND 2

ANY OTHER GAMES DO IT WELL

Action Doom 2?
There really ain't that many of them.

 

[Taka-Haradin puolipeikko]

BRO THAT REMINDS ME FIRST PERSON HAND TO HAND GAMEA ARE RARE

ZENOCLASH 1 AND 2
RIDDICK
CONDEMNED 1 AND 2

ANY OTHER GAMES DO IT WELL

There's option for that in 4D Sports Boxing.

 

[Binky]

Woodruff and the Schnibble of Azimuth (1995)

Avenge your teddy bear in this bonkers adventure. Made by Cocktel of Gobliiiiiiiiiiiiins fame. Some tough puzzles, some horrible voice acting (at least in the English version), a unique setting, some funny moments, and some cool ideas. I didn't really like it at first, but as I played on it grew on me - especially when you get the fast travel gizmo. You get this thingie a bit too late and I would have probably dropped the game without it since there's quite a lot of backtracking. Since Wooruff is a kid aged by technology, he needs to learn to read first… and get some shoes. Watching the weather report to solve puzzles is a nice twist and using the glyph formulas was my favorite part of the game.

Some running gags are the taxman who pops up everywhere to pester you about the breathing tax and whatnot, and the bouzouk master who teaches you how to wiggle your ears and other useless skills.

A garden of delights

Spoiler

Night of the long noses

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Snouts or tails

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Labor relations

Spoiler

 

[Binky]

Rise of the Dragon (1990)

Blade Runner inspired adventure. Help William "Blade" Hunter (real subtle) foil the Chinese mob from fulfilling an ancient prophecy (ugh). The chosen one has three days to delay and then stop the scumbags. The prophecy nonsense aside, the game's got a great setting. The city is a dump and the adventure starts out in our hero's tiny run-down apartment. There's radiation, poverty, scarcity. Stuff like organic roses costs big bucks and chocolate is a luxury item. There are several ways to overcome obstacles, different endings, a few arcade sequences, lots of ways to screw up, and plenty of deaths. Hell, you can see your first game over screen in the first minute. Since every action you take takes time and your time is limited, you have to be careful not to dawdle. Take too long snooping around a place? Get busted by the cops. Fiddling around in the sewers? Get devoured by a pack of rats. Sit on your ass for days? The fair citizens of Los Angeles get brutally killed by drugs pumped into the water system. And finally, miss the date with your squeeze? Her help is vital in solving the case. You're screwed, buddy.



Fortune cookie wisdom

Spoiler

Sweet

Bad idea.

Kinda like a nicotine patch

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Matters of the heart

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Uh-oh...

Better

Well, can't have everything

Hail Bahumat

Spoiler

Alas, your sweetheart can also die due to your incompetence

Smooth

 

[Binky]

Random Amiga Mix 2

Lost Dutchman Mine (1989)

Lead an old coot to that sweet, sweet gold. Bandits, redskins, wildlife, heat, and itchy underwear stand in your way.

Hello Mr. Pocket

Spoiler

Damage: The Sadistic Butchering of Humanity (1996)

A game made by some Finnish misanthropes. Take control of a nut in his quest to take out as many people as possible. From bashing schoolkids and old ladies with a baseball bat to shooting cops and soldiers with a Gatling gun. You can also wreck cars and tanks - a rocket launcher is just what the doctor ordered. Drugs help you but they can also fry your brain. Thought you have to kill a certain number of people or wreck some area. Not so. You merely have to find a way through the sewers and crawl up a toilet to the president's place. Then you start WW3 by launching nukes. Edgy.

Sewer shark

Spoiler

Fightin' Spirit (1996)

Freddie Mercury with a monocle, a tiger hybrid on steroids, a dinosaur, a cia secret agent/dolphin instructress, Tong Po, and friends fight in this hilarious asskicker made by Italians. Every fighter has four special moves, including beast spirits like tiger, puma, cobra, scorpion, and er... dolphin. Not exactly original or hard. In fact, the final boss is one of the wussiest bosses I've fought in any fighting game. While the tiger hybrid is good if you just want to steamroll everyone, and Tong Po was my favorite fighter, the absolute best story has to be the guy who joins the tournament to help his dolphin wrangler ex-fiance and kicks the stuffing out of her during the tournament. I found it weirdly entertaining, but then again, I'm easily amused. Even the tigers cry in this game.

Face meet fist

Spoiler

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

Spoiler

 

[MadMaxHellfire]

Fightin' Spirit (1996)

i was partial to "shadow fighter". bigger sprites, more colors, faster, wackier. but the fightin' spirit's intro song can't be beaten.

 

[Binky]

Future Cop: LAPD (1998)

Cthulhu cultists, cyborgs, psychos, mutants, heavily armed criminals, rogue AI... just another day in Los Angeles. X1-Alpha serves and protects by blasting anything that moves. Submarines, tanks, battleships, drones, or dropships are all there, just begging to be shot with your arsenal of death-dealing goodies. There are two modes: the hovercar and the bipedal mech, but I mostly used the mech. You got three weapons types and you can change your loadout before starting a mission. There are eight missions in total, so you can beat the game pretty quickly. The most annoying part of the game are the jumping sequences. Imagine ED-209 from Robocop jumping around. Almost all deaths I've suffered involved platforming. The enemies, including the bosses, aren't much of a challenge. Wish there was more customization of your mech, kinda like the upgrades in One Must Fall.




Stay out of trouble

Spoiler

Police brutality

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Good cop, bad cop

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Also, for more vehicular carnage can't go wrong with Interstate '76.

 

[Binky]

Fantasy General (1996)

Out of the hex general games, this is the one I always come back to. Plenty of reasons for that. Death animations, music, and sweet drawings provide nice flavor. The campaign has fixed and random battle maps, you can choose your battles, some of the four heroes have different unit types (mortal, mechanical, beast, magic). All this means that every playthrough can be a bit different. Can go with all mortal units, a mix of beast and mechanical, mortal & magical, etc. Centaurs fighting samurai, floating castles, wizards causing earthquakes, heroes, and powerful single entity units like giants and dragon turtles. Lovely. They went a bit overboard with the knight units, though. Dragon knights, ogre knights, phoenix knights, centaur knights, rhino knights, …

While the story is the "go stomp the evil overlord" type, the islands themselves have a nice variety of terrain and enemy unit types. You've got dense jungles, frozen wastes, volcanic hellscapes, nice open plains for those cavalry charges. I'm a fan of the third island with its mountains and jungles. There aren't any brilliant victories and the like, but if you're swift you do get some additional battles where you can get some pretty useful benefits, be it mechanical troops, the ability to repair said troops, powerful artifacts, heroes, and abilities like moving through forests and mountains easily - a real game-changer.

There aren't any weather woes or supply problems. Archers never run out of arrows, no need for fuel for your mech troops. I'm big on air units and skirmishers - great for scouting and finishing off units. On the other hand, I almost never use siege units or spellcasters. Too damn slow and of limited use. Sure it's fun to watch artillery pound the defenders of a castle while your heavy infantry storms in. Getting them into position? Good luck. Also, those spellcasters with the firestorms, whirlwinds, and whatnot? Weak as kittens, slow, don't do enough damage. You always start a campaign map on the edge of an island and have to fight to the other edge. A job for the marines. So many different unit types and no damn marines. If you play well, you have tons of cash, elite units, and all research done. This makes the last two islands a slog. Doubly so because the AI has the habit of pulling elite troops out of its ass. Approach a barely defended city? Next turn, five elite sky hunters will appear. Haha, fuck you.

OST

From the Halls of Orc King Dragga

Spoiler

To the Vale of the Shadowlord

Spoiler

Keeping this dude alive till the end was one of my priorities.

We fight our country's battles

Spoiler

In the air, on land, and sea.

Spoiler

Also, World War II has been done to death, but People's General provides a fresh conflict. China decides to go on a rampage and tries to snag Siberia, Korea, and Southeast Asia. Pretty sweet invading Vietnam as the Chinese and mentioning their ancient hostility and rivalry. The main campaigns are either trying to lead the Chinese to victory or trying to reverse their successes as the US-led UN troops. There are also some mini campaigns like Vietnam trying to become the biggest fish in the small pond.

 

[Binky]

The Dark Eye (1995)

The “Red Death” had long devastated the country. No pestilence had ever been so fatal, or so hideous. Blood was its Avatar and its seal—the redness and the horror of blood.

- Edgar Allan Poe - The Masque of the Red Death

The usual Poe stuff is on display here: illness, insanity, murder, terror, and being buried alive. You stroll through a run-down house, start hallucinating, then have nightmares. There are three nightmares based on Poe's stories. You play them twice. Once as the victim, once as the perpetrator. The perpetrator stories were the best. The guy voicing Montresor in The Cask of Amontillado was just crooning with delight as he put his revenge into motion. The killer in the Tell-Tale heart loses his cool and the rest of his sanity after gloating about committing the perfect crime. Finally, the murderer in Berenice becomes so unhinged and obsessed with his fiancee's pearly whites, that he starts hallucinating them everywhere and mumbles "Teeth" every five seconds.

Not much of a game and the controls and triggering events annoyed me so much that I think I'd have more fun if I just watched a longplay on Youtube. I'm not big on cover art, but this is one of the few that stuck in my mind over the years.

No one provokes me with impunity

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The conqueror worm

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Nevermore

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He had come like a thief in the night

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