Alright kiddies, here we go on our first text adventure. Now, you can't save during text adventures, nor can you save during RTS maps, and I missed the chance (if I
had the chance, which I'm not sure of) to save between the two. And it was 2:30am and I was drunk and I really couldn't be bothered doing anything cerebral by that point. So I quit.
Fortunately, as you can see here, the text adventures are accessible from the main menu! Only three are unlocked to start with; prison and a couple of others. I'm assuming you need to play the others in the game itself to unlock them. And no, I'm not showing what they are. It's a surprise.
Anyway, here we go.
Already we are faced with Choican n Consequencan. This is the best RPG ever. Choosing to sit quietly, oddly enough, means you sit quietly until you reach the prison.
And that's
boring.
Yes, I am aware that all of these will almost certainly fail. Let's play sick, it worked in Goldeneye.
Oh, no, wait. It
didn't work in Goldeneye, did it?
And yes, I just selected to kick him and the character punched him instead. Can't help but feel I'd have been successful if he'd done as he was told.
Now here is some flavour.
This gives the basic outline of the things the player can do on each day. Almost every activity will take up a full day, with the occasional side event (I think they're random) and sometimes things happening in the evening. Most nights will be spent in Tartarus.
I encounter a wise old hobo and throw him some change. He gives me diet advice. I kick him in the ribs and wander off grumpily.
My raising the stakes impresses my fellow cons and raises my reputation with them. This is a very important factor which I would do well to not neglect, as you will see later.
Smugly, Crotchduster heads to the library. If he's going to conduct an elaborate escape plan, he'll need brainpower, and hopefully it'll have nudie posters to rent out to cover the hole he digs.
Unfortunately, some dastardly villain has replaced all the books in the library with copies of Twilight. Truly, this is a haven of irredeemable criminal scum.
Just what every aspiring escape artist needs. It's
on now.
The next day, several concerts are being held. There's a hall for each species, which warms Crotchduster's shrivelled little anti-multikult heart. We head to the human hall for now.
Prepare to be astounded and dazzled, fellows. For I bring you...
Cube!
Might as well get on the guards' good side, I figure. The inmates like me, but hopefully we can keep both sides happy.
Crotchduster, feeling quite pleased with himself, opts for the OG portion. Unfortunately (and this is what the game actually tells me), he is not an OG, therefore the inmates laugh at him.
Crotchduster. Master of subterfuge. Master of... taxation?
One step at a time, friends. If Hollywood tells me the truth, this should only take twenty years, and thus is definitely worth attempting on a three-month sentence.
On Sunday, there doesn't seem to be much to do except offer to be the warden's informant. My source on prison escapes tells me that getting on the warden's good side is a good idea, so I do so. Making me a "stoolie", which sounds more like a term for a turd. This might be quite appropriate.
Hmm.
Something to keep an eye on, perhaps.
Hmm...
TRIBAL BEATS
SPACE
RANGERS
2
BUH BUH BUH BUH BUH BUH
DOMINATORS
FUCKING
EVERYWHERE
BUH BUH BUH BUH BUH BUH
OH GOD
I'M GOING
TO DIE
BUH BUH BUH BUH BUH BUH
AGAIN
And yes, playing the Beats did make my character stupid. I feel kind of personally insulted.
And now suddenly we uhh
Have adopted a cockroach.
I'm not sure what I can say about this. I don't really want it. I hope someone takes it away. I will name it Chefe.
Well, I've got it now, might as well make use of it. I head to the cockroach races.
Heh. Poor fools are playing right into my hands. Another piece of vital equipment for my masterplan, which is far too complex to describe in mere words.
Because it doesn't exist.
Not having learned from the last time, Crotchduster opts for a Champion's Dinner, as befitting an utter loser like himself.
Oh.
In the next day's racial segregation olympics thing, I opt to head to the Maloq hall, land of big burly warriors. Dimly aware of how his peers currently perceive him, Crotchduster opts to battle a cyborg. Give me redemption or give me death! I will earn that Champion's Dinner!
Yeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
Unfortunately, they quickly come to despise me again. I'm not even sure why this time.
Well, someone who exhibits great mastery over the flute is in high demand in prisons, so I'm told.
What do you mean not that kind
Back to the library for another go. Whispers abound that some subversive has planted something not by Stephenie Meyer.
Ye Gods. Danielle Steel. Crotchduster resolves to escape as soon as possible, but can already feel his few remaining braincells diminishing...
For once, Crotchduster gets an interesting work duty, spent in the canteen. This helps bulk up his health and strength, which is great, but leads to the inmates despising him further. Jealous pricks. Who needs their approval anyway???
Well...
...me.
