Let Me Trainwreck Final Fantasy VII For You! (Completed!)

[RK47]

aahahahah you're right, nobody loves that mini game, it's a fuckin joke.

 

[Jedi_Teacher]

Locue, please stop making fun of this game. Cloud and Sephiroth are the two hottest videogame characters and you know it.

You're ruining my, ah, childhood memories.

 

[Sovy Kurosei]

Long ass cutscene dead ahead, captain.

 

[afewhours]

Gawd. Even to my Jap-addled brain, this entire section makes no sense! Why the hell would Sephiroth leave his sword at the scene of the crime? Why do we care about this Promised Land bollocks? GAH! This is honestly worse than I remember, and I've got a high tolerance for this kinda stuff provided there are anime laydeez to distract me.

Oh yeah, it all gets explained in the next update, right? Tell you what, Locue, I'll do the next update for you now. This won't take a moment.

EXPOSITION. EXPOSITION. EXPOSITION. EXPOSITION. EXPOSITION. EXPOSITION. EXPOSITION. RUBBISH. EXPOSITION. EXPOSITION. EXPOSITION. DICKS. DICKS. DICKS. EXPOSITION. EXPOSITION. EXPOSITION. BOLLOCKS. EXPOSITION. EXPOSITION. EXPOSITION. OHGODTHEANGST. EXPOSITION. EXPOSITION. TIFA. EXPOSITION. EXPOSITION. DICKS. EXPOSITION. EXPOSITION. EXPOSITION. EXPOSITION. NIBELHEIM. EXPOSITION. THISMAKESNOSENSE. DICKS. DICKS. EXPOSITION. EXPOSITION. VOLDEMORTKILLSSNAPEOHGODIJUSTCAME.

I think that's what happens anyway.

Then it's followed by this:

Cloud and Sephiroth are the two hottest videogame characters and you know it.

Squee!

I was going to post some yuri as well, but it doesn't seem appropriate for this game. FFVII's all about those pretty mako eyes.

EDIT: MOAR FINAL FANTASY etc. etc. etc.

 

[RK47]

hmm oh gawd now i remembered. LOL

Kalm Dialogue is super long and worth an update.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

No it's not, you evil pricks.

 

[Murk]

Endure the pain, so we won't have to.

Also my shemale DVD download was killed halfway through, so I'll need some fwap material.

GET ON IT (my dick, that is)

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Hi, everyone! It's Colin and Kiefer! Andy is out remembering what he is capable of so we're taking a break from our armwrestling contest to introduce this update in his stead.

I'd like to take a shit but I've already clogged up all the toilets in the building.

I told you that was going to happen! Flush, dammit, flush!

Flushing is for the weak.

And that's all the material we have. You'll find it'll make sense as you read on. Now for the update.

----------------------------------

The gang meet up at the inn in Kalm so Cloud can explain everything for the fourth FUCKING time in the game for everyone who didn't FUCKING got it the first, second and third FUCKING time! Take it away, you FUCKING cunts!

I knew Sephiroth. We weren't like buddies, y'know, but like war buddies. Y'know? We wouldn't, y'know, hang out but if need be we would definitely fuck each other in the ass one last time before we went out to face Charlie. Sometimes we'd fuck each other in the ass "one last time" just for laughs. Sometimes just because... it felt right.

And that's when you realized he was evil?

No, no, no.

It was raining hard.

Yeah, it was raining really hard.

The fellow soldiers all agreed with me, it sure was raining hard. Sephiroth neither agreed nor disagreed. He just sat there with a fixed facial expression, his lego block hands stretched out like an evil mastermind...

And that's when you realized he was evil, right?

No, but it sure made sense when I finally did!

Sephiroth was a really cool dude. Nothing could rub him the wrong way! Except for a certain shemale prostitute that he kept running into. He never could deal with that sort of thing. In fact, it enraged him. "The best of both worlds, my ass" he would often declare in front of his personal high definition mirror. In the nude, of course.

Of course, I already knew this. They wouldn't have sent Sephiroth if they thought a SOLDIER rank A rookie and three nameless grunts could handle it. See, back in those days my stats were made of fail. By the time I got into SOLDIER all the really experience rewarding wars had ended thanks to a severe case of Sephiroth-ism and I was stuck with killing pigeons pooping on the Shinra HQ's roof. 0.0000005 XP each. It was hell, unspawning hell. See my Buster Sword? Let's just say that it wasn't always made out of steel.

And THAT'S when you realized he was made of evil?

No. I can't blame Sephiroth for being an effective killing machine. That's just mean. No, no, no...

There's no shame in admitting it. I wanted the attention. Anything that would give me some cold hard level-ups that could accelerate me right into SOLDIER superstardom. Whenever I saw a mission coming up with Sephiroth's name on it, I immediately volunteered. Because that meant extra dangerous and extra dangerous meant extra exp. Even if it mostly just turned out to be a bounty hunt on a rogue pigeon. But Sephiroth and I became quite the team. He killed stuff while I ran around and talked to people. We shared... everything.

Yeah, and you fucked each other in the ass.

Yes, that too. But you have to understand something...

It was the army.

...?

So what was so special about THIS mission?

I thought you of all people would know that, Tifa.

Oh, THAT incident five years ago.

Yes, our hometown. Anyway...

It was a soft crash. Anyway, me and Sephiroth went outside to investigate.

Oh man, if only you guys could have seen me! How pathetic my stats were back then! And especially when compared to Sephiroths! Oh man... I tell you: that dragon was dead before it could take up smoking.

He's definitely well over level 60!

Oooooh...

Yes. Anyway, for some reason I didn't get any experience after this fight even though I managed to survive. I think Square wrote something in the script about it, that I was so mesmerized about how he fought or something... Or maybe I just don't remember things as well as I think I do...

...

It's a real mess.

Yo! How the hell cud ya become a high class SOLDIER mofo with stats like that?!

Barret, it's not for us to question the holes in Cloud's memories. Leave it to the audience.

But the audience is fucking stupid!

Not this one. I hope.

A'ight!

Shortly after, we reached Nibelheim. Me, Sephiroth and two unnamed grunts entered the town. I decided to talk to one of the grunts. He had felt a bit down on the trip.

I always tried to cheer people up whenever I had the chance. Help them. And this guy had problems.

I don't know what, but he always felt a bit distant... lonely. I guess it was no business of mine, but... y'know...

Yeah, I taught him my special power-stance pose. I like to think he got some use of it. :wink: Sephiroth got really weird when I talked to him about a briefing. I think it was because he was jealous I was talking to the younger grunts.

How does it feel? It's your first time back to your hometown in a long time, right? So how does it feel? I wouldn't know because I don't have a hometown.

Ummm…how 'bout your parents?

My mother is Jenova. She died right after she gave birth to me. My father… well, what does it matter?

It never hurts to repeat things for those in the audience who failed to pick that fact up.

Sephiroth looked a bit down. I was sure it was nothing. I decided to talk to my favorite new best buddy instead!

This soldier would make a great SOLDIER rank A operative one day. I knew it. So cautious.

I tried to get a picture of myself but the moron didn't want to. I cried a bit.

I should never have done that, though, because that's when he realized who I was. I ran away into the nearest building!

Yes, aren't I...

WHO AM I?!!

I can't remember. Maybe I didn't go into this house at all?

FACT: This is the only time when Barret will protest at you exploring the town. I would have liked it a lot more if he could have done it every time, but that would probably have made this flashback sequence like five minutes shorter.

SPECULATION: Of course, how in the hell does he know it doesn't matter?! Hmm...

Oh well, I checked out all the other places in town! Like my house!

This matters a lot. Go in and see yo damn mom.

No it doesn't!

It's the closest thing I'll ever gonna meet ya parents, boy. Go on wi' it!

Fine.

But... I mean, it was my mom. I don't know what to tell you. She was happy to see me. I was happy too. But man, she was so damn annoying. Always cramping my style, man. Always telling me how handsome I was. Always going on and on about my length! I take those damn vitamins! Bitch would never SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP!

Man, it brings me down just thinking about it!

After talking with my mom I decided to go into Tifa's house.

You did?

But I wasn't!

That never stopped me before.

And my dad was showing off his living statue trick at the Shinra Mansion!

Yeah, thank god. I could never have snuck in if he was home.

You're so creepy, Cloud.

Oh yes.

Oh yes, I played a little, and you better be thankful I did because it's the only way we're going to get your ultimate limitbreak later on in the game.

And I definitely checked out your underwear!

I love bras.

FACT: It's all true and nothing to be ashamed of. Women with large breasts often suffer serious back pain and a woman like Tifa who jumps around and kicks stuff into planetary orbit with the power of dolphins at least five times a day would definitely need some extra support in carrying those things around.

Yes, uh, that's why I didn't take it. Because I knew you'd have to... get rid of your boobs otherwise... if I stole your bras...

What?

I didn't smell it!

WHAT?!

Uh...

FACT: Boobs are cool.

Moving on...

I was really taking advantage of your hospitality, Tifa. I hope you learned to lock your door in the future.

Did you feel guilty at all, you unbelievable asshole?

Nope, and here's what the letter said! Ahem!

"Tifa, how are you? I just arrived in Midgar eight days ago. Yesterday, all of Nibelheim got together to welcome me. The only person that we couldn't get a hold of was Cloud. But everyone said he wasn't really that close to us. So even if we asked, he probably wouldn't have come anyway. Well, enough about him."

How rude! Oh well.

"Midgar is really something. But to tell the truth, I feel so behind on everything... so out of it. Even the rooms of people in the slums are clean. Right now I'm living in the slums, but I plan to move to a really nice room, like the ones I've seen in magazines, once I make some money....but, to do that, I guess I have to find a job fast. That's right. I still haven't found a job yet. I lied to my parents and told them I found a great job with Shinra, Inc."

What a fucking loser!

"I wonder if it's too late to back. Sometimes I think I should've taken over my parents' store. I just made it here to Midgar but all I think about is Nibelheim. Hey, Tifa... Is that stupid old water tower still working? Is the old man at the Inn doing well? Are my parents still at the shop everyday? Have any monsters attacked? And most of all, how are you, Tifa? It feels like I haven't seen you for years. We were all talking about you last night. Everyone likes you. But because everyone idolizes you, I couldn't very well stab them in the back. I always acted cool, but actually, I was just afraid of being jilted. Wow, if I keep writing like this, this'll become a love letter!"

Ahahahaha!!

"So, I think I'll stop here. Take care. I'll write again. P.S. Write me back, okay?"

Oh my god, what a fucking loser! Did you write him back, Tifa? Tell me you didn't! Haha, oh man...

I'm starting to think you're teh evil.

Yeah...

Bitches never understand me! Oh well, after this bit of fun I decided to go see Sephiroth. I hoped he wasn't too pissed off at me. I entered the inn... and met up with your martial arts-trainer, Tifa!

Oh right, how was he?

I hope he's dead.

Sephiroth was upstairs, looking out the window. He did that a lot.

He did that a lot too.


To be continued.

In the next update: serious business!

 

[ghostdog]

'bout time !

IIRC weren't you supposed to play a certain tune in piano?

 

[afewhours]

MOAR FINAL FANTASY! Nice one LoughCyu, or whatever your name is.

Hey, I've gone some guy commenting on MotB's contrived plot. One moment while I direct him to this thread. His head will probably explode.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

'bout time !

Jesus Christ, man, I'm doin' it as fast I can!

IIRC weren't you supposed to play a certain tune in piano?

Not yet, you do! But you only get the chords for the tune in the flashback. 'Course, most people didn't care and just looked it up on the interweb.

Also, the screenshot is wrong. You have to play a little on it. Not jam on it.

MOAR FINAL FANTASY! Nice one LoughCyu, or whatever your name is.

Call me Bruce Willis, because that's who I am.

Hey, I've gone some guy commenting on MotB's contrived plot. One moment while I direct him to this thread. His head will probably explode.

Bwahahah! Headsplosion! What do you think this is? A slowbeef lp?

 

[Lesifoere]

Hey, I've gone some guy commenting on MotB's contrived plot. One moment while I direct him to this thread. His head will probably explode.

Now, that's just mean.

 

[afewhours]

Now, that's just mean.

Oh come on, you're worse than me. I've been on the wrong side of your tongue lashings before. :D

If I really wanted to be mean, I would have linked the fella to this or this.

 

[Lesifoere]

Yes, but at least I didn't flood you with GameFAQ insanity. Meanie.

 

[afewhours]

Yes, but at least I didn't flood you with GameFAQ insanity. Meanie.

<sigh> Okay, you've succeeded in making me feel bad. I've done my best to tidy the mess I've created. It may all be in vain, but, meh... I have to try.

 

[kingcomrade]

Barret is such a nigger

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Barret is such a nigger

OMFG U R SO RACIST!

 

[MetalCraze]

Barret is such a nigger

OMFG U R SO RACIST!

why? KC is just pointed out the shameful truth.

this update was just awesome and extremely gay, also it showed how shitty the game's writing is. the moment when "something strange crashed into our truck" and the next picture afterwards cracked me up.
I really forgot how shitty the game was.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

"Sir, something crashed into the truck."
"What is it, a moose or something?"
"No, it's a huge fucking dragon, sir."

I'll try and get an update out in a few days. It's going to get a lot shittier.

 

[DangerousDan]

Good stuff! Looking forward to the next.

 

[MetalCraze]

omg! look what topic I've found!
cue Locue

 

[Elhoim]

I WANT MOAR!

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Motherfuckers! Leave me alone, I'm trying to become the President of the United States of America here!

Update tomorrow! Now chill, dammit!

 

[Elhoim]

Motherfuckers! Leave me alone, I'm trying to become the President of the United States of America here!

Update tomorrow! Now chill, dammit!

OMG! You are Barack Obama!

 

[ghostdog]

or Hilary Clinton...