Update time!
When we last left our heroes... BONFIRE!!!
Yes, it's time to sit down, have a nice glass of water and talk about the plot/whatever bullshit comes up.
Starting with Yuffie, let's do it!
I totally agree, Yuffie. But it looks like our buggy is running on pure plot device so we're stuck here until we clear out whatever ancient dungeon they have hidden deep within the canyon.
Bo-ooo-oring!! I want to find some materia!
What is up with you and materia anyway, Yuffster my manwoman?
Materia makes you cast lightning bolts.
Yeah, I guess that's a good reason why you'd want to collect it.
Yeah, it is.
We'll get around to it eventually.
*sigh*
Continuing with Barret, let's do it!
Really?
Yeah. 'Course, I wasn't in charge back then.
Really?
Yeah. Some other guy was.
Really?
Yeah. But we had pretty much the same idea so it was only natural that I took over when he suddenly fell off a cliff in the middle of the night.
Really?
Yeah.
That's cool.
Yeah.
So you just, like, took over?
Yeah. Someone had to.
That's cool.
Yeah. I mean...
Really?
That's cool.
Yeah.
Next up is Aeris, let's do it!
Well, you don't have to be alone, y'know. I mean... yeah, you're descended from a weird alien ubermensch human being race from another planet, but... y'know...
Are you coming on to me, Cloud?
Well, I sure wish I was coming on to you right now. If you know what I meaAHHHH!!!! MY HAIR!!! MY HAIR!!! STOP PULLING MY HAIR!!!
Stop sexually harassing my girlfriend, you dick!
OW OW OW OW OW OKAY OKAY!!! I'M SORRY!!!
HOW SORRY ARE YOU, BITCH?!!
REALLY REALLY REALLY SORRY!!!
You better be!
Oh Colin!
Yeah baby, you know I'm always here for you.
Oh...
Shit!
Tifa is next, let's do it!
Hi, Cloud.
Hi, Tifa.
What's up with your hair?
An angry leprechaun almost tore it off. I don't want to talk about it. What's up with you?
Wow, I'm so sorry I actually sat down to talk to you now.
Oh shut up, you hairdresser.
Hairdresser?! Now you're really pushing it, bitch!
Shut up, I wanna talk about bonfires.
They do?
Most absolutely. For instance...
FIVE YEARS AGO?!
YES, FIVE YEARS AGO!!
WELL, WHAT HAPPENED FIVE YEARS AGO?!
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED FIVE YEARS AGO!!
OKAY! I'M LISTENING!
...
WELL?!
Alrighty then.
Hahaha, what does that even mean, you crazy bitch?
You better be grateful when I help you regain your sanity on Disc 2, you stupid little shit!
Hahaha!! You so crazy! Hahaha!!
Finally it's Nanaki, let's do it!
Nanaki, if this is going to be another boring story about your parents, there will not be enough shooters on that orange rocky knoll to shoot me dead before I jam my sword so far up your a...
Point taken. Hey, Colin Farrell!
I think you better listen to the rape tiger, Cloud.
*sigh* Alright. Go on, Nanaki.
*sigh* Isn't it always?
Shut up. When I talk about my mother, I am full of pride and joy... And that's fine. ...But when I remember my father, my heart is full of anger...
Uh huh...
Hoo hoo, Nanaki...
Oh great...
You really can't forgive your father, Nanaki?
Of course. He left mother for dead. When the Gi tribe attacked, he ran off by himself, leaving mother and the people of the Canyon!
Alright.
Hmm... it's quite dangerous. We better not go alone, Nanaki.
What? Why?
Just in case. I'm sure there won't be any evil native american ghosts.
Alright, come with me, Aeris. I have a feeling we need a hippie for this dungeon.
Can Colin come too?
Of course. Whatever gets you off.
Oh, I can get her off, alright.
Teehee!
But I'm taking Kiefer Sutherland with ME!!
This is all a bunch of shit.
Alright, let's go!
To be continued!
In the next update: we fight evil native americans and actually manages to leave Cosmo fuck Canyon.