HAY GUYS UPDATE TIEM!!
When we last left our heroes... DANGEROUS DANGER DUNGEON!!
FACT: For all of you nerds out there, the filename is "1043_youbastard.jpg".
Well, looks like we gotta get down and dirty inside this ancient cavern of mysteries! First we gotta climb down!
Going down the cave!
Shouldn't that be "Going back in time"?
...
Colin?
*push!*
AHHHH!!!
What happened to Cloud?
He slipped and fell.
Damn hairgel.
Welcome to spooky cave. Cooky cave is really not that much trouble. It's easy to navigate. The enemies are ghosts. There's nothing worthwhile to get. You can really just run right through the Gooky cave.
Occasionally you run into stones that can be cracked open. Do this if you want to fight more enemies. If you don't want to fight more enemies, leave them the fuck alone.
Before every every screen transition, Bugenhagen will stop and explain stuff to you.
A CERTAIN BATTLE!!?
FACT: This is Kiefer's only real function in the LP.
Hey! Don't steal my lines, you redheaded stepchild of a great dane.
Moving on, the next area is a bit tricky.
See that? That's oil.
OIL?
That's what he said, Cloud. Oil.
OIL IN MY FF7?!!
Yes, Cloud. Oil in your... FF7.
I had oil in my FF7 once!
I'm sure you did, Cloud.
I like oil!
...
Uh, Colin?
*push*
AHHH!!!!
And if you run on it...
See if you like oil now, bitch!
What happened to Cloud?
He slipped and fell.
I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU!
Stop slipping and felling, dumbass! :D
...you're gonna get hurt!
I bet you fought with all of your might to resist posting this image, Andyman.
Not really, I concentrated and fought YOUR MIND so you would do it for me. Thanks, God!
Damn you, Andyman Messiah!
Moving on:
So many, many pretty doors! Alright, go in somewhere and come out somewhere else. I'm not going to show you how to get through this puzzle. If you spend more than five minutes on it (and that's a fucking stretch!), rest assured:
Rape is horrible but it feels slightly better when a cute kitten is the penetrating perpetrator. Not that I'd *cough* know... ANYWAY!
ALL ALONE!?
Hoo hoo! Time for a boss fight!
Hmm... an empty room except for a door with an evil looking face on it.
Alright, boss fight. Meet The Ghost of Native American Nightmares. That's probably not his name but I'm too lazy to check. He's the easiest boss of the game. Why? Because he's undead and dislike Holy magic like a double cheeseburger without any cheese. Throw a fucking cure spell on him and watch him go into the light accompanied by huge explosion. Eventually. NEXT!
Yeah, no prob.
It was Aeris' magic that did mos...
NO PROBLEM, BUGGY! I'M HAPPY TO HELP!
...
Glad to hear we can count on you, Cloud!
Moving on, we finally reach the plot point we've all been dying to see!
Hey, Nanaki! Looks like your father's a bit STONED!! AHAHAHA!!!
Daddy...
AHAHAHA!!!!!! STONED!!! AHAHA!! I'M A FUCKING GENIUS!!
...
Huh?
*push*
AHHHH!!!
Thanks, Colin!
Don't thank me, rape tiger. Thank Aeris.
Thanks Aeris!
Don't worry about it, Nanaki!
Hey, Sutherland! Why don't you help me?!
Meh.
Nanaki, your father held off countless armies on his own. He is a true native american tiger hero.
You should be proud of him.
Father...
Looks like a private moment. Let's wait outside.
But I wanna hear!
*push*
AHHH!!
Fuck yeah, Aeris!
WHAT?! OH HELL NO YOU DO--
*VIOLENT PUSH*
AHHH!!!!!!
What was that, grandpa?
Just the wind, Nanaki. Just the wind.
UMFTBBKRZZZ!!!!
TIE HIM UP!! GAG HIM, GAG HIM!!!!!
Boy that wind sure is violent!
It sure is, Nanaki. It sure is. Must be a storm brewing! But... about the misson, let's be honest here! Even if they stop every reactor on the planet, it's only going to postpone the inevitable. Even if they stop Sephiroth, everything will perish. But hey...
I will do this! I will save the planet! Yeah, baby! AWOOO!!!! HOWL TO THE MOON, YEAH!!! AWOOOO!!!
Sounds like an air raid siren..
AWOOOO!!!
Nanaki! Stop howling! You'll wake the dead!
AWOOOOO!!!!!!!
Your father is crying, Nanaki!
He must be touched to have such a good son! Let's howl together, father! AWOOOO!!!
*SOME TIME LATER! AWOOO!!!*
That's convenient.
Convenient, your ass, white boy.
Don't... talk about my ass... please.
...?
Whistle, whistle.
Yeah, don't... don't fucking count on it...
I thought you liked oil? :D
I'LL KILL YOU, I'LL KILL YOU ALL!!
What a fascinating group of heroes. Oh well.
TO BE CONTINUED!
In the next update: NIBELFUCKHEIM!