NIBELFUCKHEIM FUCKMANSION
It's exactly as we left it five years ago, except a couple of monsters have moved in. We're mostly here to have a chat with Sephiroth but we'll also be picking up everyone's favorite norse übergod turned japanese shit Odin (Oden, really) and recruiting another "secret" character: Vincent Valentine. Oh joy.
Everyone bothering with the enemy skill hunt should pick up "????" from the floating scales. It's a fairly rare monster so get ready to waste a lot of time searching for it.
Alright, let's do it. Let's have a look at the journal over to the left first.
Alright, someone is offering us Vincent if we want him. Well, I suppose it can't hurt.
It is not necessary for you to participate... if you don't want to. Yeah. I guess. What's the deal, journal? What do we have to do?
I guess we have to open a safe in 20 seconds or less. Great. But first we have to search for the combination. Great. I fucking hate this. Let's just fast forward. Get a walkthrough instead of complaining.
Yay!
Yay!
Shit!
This is Lost Number. People tell me he's a difficult boss. These people have never bothered casting Big Guard and unleashing limit break on him. Kick his fucking ass. Two turns. Max.
When you beat him, you find a key and the fantastic Odin materia. We're done with bullshit now so let's cut back to Cloud commentary now.
Alright, let's go see Sephiroth!
Being here brings back memories. Are you going to participate in the Reunion?
I don't even know what a Reunion is!
DOUCHEBAGGERY: That's kind of sad, Cloud. Maybe you should ask Santa for a dictionary?
Fuck you, horse!
What?!
Not you, Seph! The horse!
The horse?
The horse!
Oh! The horse! Of course.
Yeah, it's the horse!
...right.
Will there be horses at the Reunion?
No. But Jenova will be there!
Yeah, but she's not a fucking horse now, is she?!
You would be surprised. Jenova will rejoin the Reunion, becoming a calamity from the skies.
Jenova, a calamity from the skies? You mean she wasn't an Ancient!?
...I see. I don't think you have the right to participate. I will go north past Mt. Nibel. If you wish to find out... then follow...
...Reunion? Calamity from the skies?
Fool! You're repeating yourself!
I'm a victim of poor writing!
Take this!
Ow!
Well, that's interesting.
No, it isn't.
After him!
It's too late.
Okay. Let's read stuff.
Gee, I wonder what all this is about?
*cough* No idea.
What nonsense!
With more of the plot revealed, it's time to put that key we found in the safe to use.
Shut up, horse!
Oh great, we're going to ask a vampire for help.
He's probably a nice vampire.
Opening the coffin... now!
Right. Closing the coffin... NOW!
Oh no, you don't.
We're on a quest to save the world!
Wait!
Do you want to recruit me? No/Yes.
Does the name Sephiroth mean anything to you?
...Fuck.
My thoughts exactly.
Tell me what you know about Sephiroth.
You first.
Alright.
The screen goes dark for a second to imply that Cloud has filled Vincent in with all the info. Fuck off, it beats miles of shit dialogue.
Well, that's interesting. So Sephiroth knows he was created five years ago? And about the Jenova Project?
Yeah.
He was missing, but has just recently reappeared. He has taken many lives and is seeking the Promised Land.
Yup.
Hmm...
Now, what do you know about Sephiroth.
Sorry. That's my business.
SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU POORLY TRANSLATED IDIOT FICTIONAL CHARACTER!!
Wow. Anger management issues!
FACT: The other characters' responses aren't that much better. Barret comes closest with his broken sentence "You lyin' whitefaced."
Oh jesus fucking christ.
Now please leave.
Can you tell us who you are first?
I get the feeling you're not going to leave me alone.
Not really.
My name is Davis.
Hah! Really?
No, it's Vincent. Now GTFO!
What kind of name is Vincent?
The Turks!?
Formerly of the Turks. I have no affiliation with Shinra now. ...And you?
Cloud, formerly of SOLDIER.
You were also with Shinra...? Then do you know Lucrecia?
Who?
...... Lucrecia. The woman who gave birth to Sephiroth.
...gave birth...? Wasn't Jenova Sephiroth's mother?
That isn't completely wrong, but just a theory. He was born from a beautiful lady. That lady was Lucrecia. She was an assistant to Professor Gast of the Jenova Project. Beautiful Lucrecia.
...A human experiment?
There was no way to cancel the experiment. I couldn't stop her. That was my sin. I let the one I loved, the one I respected most, face the worst.
SHUT UP!
Alright, now let's get the fuck out of here.
Fuckin' sigh...
Aeris, you have just redeemed yourself with this line.
Alright, whatever. Vincent is our buddy now. He shoots stuff and transforms into monsters. Got that? Alright, let go.
NIBELFUCKHEIM FUCKMOUNTAINS
Follow the directions. Occasionally you can avert from the path and get items, like the Rune Blade for Cloud.
You come out here, with this brand new spanking puzzle.
First let down this ladder so you can get back up.
Also, if you exit through the door you can relive the Nibelfuckheim Fuckreactor Fuckmemories for absolutely no reason at all. You can go through the caves though and pick up some items, like Vincents sniper fuck gun.
Anyway.
Jump down number two and number four, get the items, then go to the right and hug the big blue scorpion and press the action button to trigger the boss fight.
Kick his ass and leave.
Say goodbye to your desert travelling jeep. Good thing we managed to use it for at least two minutes.
Now head over to Rocket Town, a town based in the immediate vicinity of a huge, tilting rocket.
Finally a good character.