Chapter 64: The Hunt For Eych Emm Eych!
Eyyyy!
How you doing, asswarts? Let's go mess up Shinra's plans for no reason whatsoever! Let's do it!
Fun, useless piece of trivia for ya, this pilot will level up every time you take off. He starts off as a fucking pansy but at level 100 he'll start speaking with a heavy german accent and grow muscles the size of Peter North's semen. What's even cooler is, you'll be able to send him to fight Meteor and Sephiroth and win the game for you! Bet you didn't know that. Well, now you fucking do! I highly advise you take the time to level him up.
Now, if for some reason you don't know where to go, you can just re-enter the ship and Cid will think about some cool locations you oughta visit. Right now, we have to visit Fort Condor and Mt Corel. Both have reactors that are still.... sorta functioning. We'll head over to Corel first.
You can talk to these folks and they'll tell you all sorts of useless info. Fuck these people, let's find some soldiers to beat up.
After beating the fuck out of these soldiers, the following exciting events happen!
Hey, is it just me or does this reactor look kinda cozy?
All the pretty lights and shit?
I bet you could open up a McDonald's restaurant here and noone would give a shit about the reactor.
They'd be all like "woaahh, look at all the pretty lights!"
And I'd be all like "hey look the fucking train!"
Goddammit, Cid. We give you leader privileges and you become just as retarded as the rest of the group. Fucking hell, man! Let's see how Barret and Yuffie reacts to this shit!
You damn boneheads!
What are ya gonna do! Huge Materia!?
Fantastic dialogue. Cid? Your response?
Hey, do you know who I am?
Ye--
Oh, I get it now. Cid is so certain of himself and his badassery that he wanted to give Shinra a headstart! Fuck yeah, Cid! Go get 'em!
Hey, hey... hey? What...? ...Oh, oh shiiii--
Hey, Barret. Why is
Cid the one doing the Fat Albert impression? I mean, just out of curiousity?
I'm not that old, muthafucka! I grew up watchin' Richard Pryor!
Cid is two years younger, dude!
Guess he's just sum fuckin' asshole then! Or he's lyin' bout his age or sumthin'...
Hmm...
HEY HEY HEY!!
Man, just how old are you anyway?!
HEY HEY HEY, WE'RE COMING TO GET YA!!
Give it a rest, man.
Alright, alright.
No problem!
Have you ever done something like this before?
Nope.
HEY HEY HEY!!
Shut the fuck up, you old motherfucker! We're gonna die!
Don't worry! I can handle this kinda stuff. I mean, it's only two levers! How hard can it be to control something with only two levers?!
I dunno...
Just calm down and leave everything to uncle Cid, children.
...muthafucka children muthafucka...
MINIGAME TIME!
Instructions: You got two levers, alternate between them to catch up with the train and kick Shinra's ass. You get ten minutes to do this. If you fucking fail at this I will fucking find you and fucking peel off your fucking skin with a fucking tiny frenchfuckman.
Notice how Cid's character model look a hell lot better than Cloud's? Yeah. Think about that for a moment. Or two. You got plenty of time.
Jump from wagon to wagon until you get to the cockpit or whatever it's called. I'm no train expert. Every wagon has enemies you need to beat up but I'm not going to show that shit. Just imagine me pressing "Q" on my keyboard until everything unfriendly on the screen dies.
Wheeeee!!
FACT: Cid's running animation is fucking golden. Has to be seen in action!
HEY HEY HEY!!
Kick this lonely Shinra soldier's ass off the mountain and take control of the train!
Yeah! Get off my train, shithead!
Save it for later, Cid!
We're in deep trouble here!
I know, goddammit! Just shut up and keep quiet! We keep this shit up, we'll crash this fucking thing straight into Corel!
NO! Corel!! Muthafucka shit!! Do something, dammit!
This train stopping minigame is actually one of my favorite parts of the entire game, no joke. Incidently, that should let you know just how much I think the rest of the game sucks. It's an incredibly simple procedure and honest to god, if you have trouble with it... yeah, you know, but this is the type of minigame I like; easy and scripted with a focus on party banter. I don't have patience for anything complicated like riding a fucking snowboard.
What are you doing accelerating?!
Shit! Just watch. This time...
There are three button combinations you have to enter in order to stop the train. These are the combos I've used for every playthrough: up+triangle, down+x & down+x, and yes you have to fiddle around a bit with it before the game notices you.
Oh god fuck NO! Not you too!!
Shit, this stupid thing's just accelerating!
Some people tell me you can use other combinations but those have never worked for me so I'm pretty sure they're full of shit and worthy of a thousand kicks to the head.
Anyway,
Hold on to your drawers and don't piss in them!
Well, Corel. Nice visiting ya!
Oh, of course the train stops.
And we get the first chunk of Huge Materia! Go us!
Yes, the trick was apparently to just keep accelerating until Cid pulled the brake. Ain't that just about the greatest thing ever, huh?
They sure were, you disgustingly filthy miner motherfucker!
Touching moment if you give a shit, I suppose. Barret and the miners exchanges a couple of words about how they're all miners and were born and raised in the town and that they all love each other.
Poetry.
Next, the coal miners spill the beans on how they're going to fuck Meteor up: by digging a huge tunnel and hide in it.
Regret not crashing the train into the town? I sure do.
I'd do a joke about child prostitution here but I just don't give a fuck anymore. This shitty fucking town of cowards and assholes doesn't deserve my A class material. But he hands us a Ultima materia ball, which is very good magic if you care about that sort of thing so whatever.
CHOICE AND CONSEQUENCES! There are three different outcomes for this shitty adventure:
1: Stop the train, get the huge materia and ultima materia. This is the only preferred outcome.
2: Jump onto the train but don't stop it, you don't get the huge materia but you can pay like three million dollars for the ultima materia.
3: Don't jump onto the train. Seriously, fuck you if you manage to do this even for the lulz. I will predator your ass.
After spending the night in the inn, go down the stairs and enter the shack next to the well.
The woman will moan about how she's never getting married now that they're all going to die because of Meteor and hands you Barret's final limit break.
And that's it for Corel! Next on the list, FORT FUCKING CONDOR!!
But first, let's do something I forgot about doing while I was in Mideel; let's rob an old man.
STOP! YOU'VE VIOLATED THE LAW!
Meh, that one sucks. I apologize.
Fuck yeah!
Alright, wasn't that awesome? Now let's go to Fort Condor.
BLAH BLAH FINAL BATTLE BLAH BLAH DON'T LOSE BLAH BLAH
BLAH BLAH YOU WON BLAH BLAH WE OWE OUR LIVES TO YOU BLAH BLAH
Yes, another shitty fmv. Go outside and...
..laugh your fucking ass off. Holy shit what an abomination!
Just get the Phoenix materia and let it fly away. Hope it get stuck in a Boeing or something!
Go downstairs and get the huge materia from the old man...
...who then proceeds to tell you that they weren't fighting for the reactor, but for the condors... just like he told us back on disc 1. Yeah. Burn in hell, Fort Condor.
So, I guess the third piece must be in the underwater reactor then...
Must be. We gotta get there as soon as possible!
Yeah, but Shinra's probably on high alert since we always mess with 'em. Let's take a break and see how the little kid's doing...
You mean Cloud?
No, I mean that little fucker in Midgar that handed you a remedy way back in, like, update ten or something.
Why would we want to see him?
We wouldn't! We're gonna go see Cloud and Tifa, you morons.
Alright, alright... Shiii--
I'm worried about Tifa. Girl might have collapsed taking care of the little bugger.
Alright.
Let's check in on 'em! To Mideel!
And to Mideel they went! And to Tifa they talked!
WHEN SUDDENLY!
All hell broke lose!
In the next update, coming sometime june 2010 in an alternate universe, Cid and his friends kick Weapon's ass for disturbing the mentally ill while Tifa takes a dive into Cloud's mind! See you then!