Hellraiser
Arcane
Official Morgan Industries HR sanctioned audio ambience for employee performance assessment
Steve's cubicle was covered in shade, the blinders on his side of the floor have been pulled down, as at this hour and point of the fiscal year both the primary and secondary would otherwise be radiating straight into his little corner of Morgan Tower. Steve himself was busy admiring the finer points of message boards and electronic entertainment found on the morganlinks, well outside of the corporate intranet.
The screen suddenly started flashing in red, shifting the ambient hue of the shaded cubicle from blue to red and interrupting Steve's traditional afternoon cybersclacking session.
"Attention, you have an urgent email from the Human Resources department. You have T minus 5 minutes to reply."
Droplets of sweat have started to appear on Steve's forehead. What do those people suddenly want? Did they catch wind of the "inappropriate" content he viewed using corporate hardware? Maybe it was that bitch Karen causing a shitstorm over her delusions, regarding a non-existent coffee mug with the words "Karen - #1 Mom on Planet!" inscribed upon it, that supposedly Steve stole from the office floor's kitchen.
"The emperor protects!" Steve uttered with conviction as he clicked on the high priority email.
"Dear Steve," it read, "Please join me for a meeting in 8 minutes and 37 seconds in the meeting room CHF on the 42nd floor. Attendance is mandatory and per paragraph 31.2 of your contract, non-attendance is grounds for termination. Very Kind Regards, Dominika Biurwa - Senior Human Resources Partner, Morgan Resources - Providing peoplepower to your Enterprise with a smile!"
Steve sighed, he wondered what this HR goon will want from him.
*
Dominika Biurwa was sitting behind a desk in room CHF, the walls were decorated in a pattern resembling the swiss franc of old earth, famous as a safe haven currency in times of economic crisis. She brought with her a laptop on which she was constantly typing something, while at the same time somehow managing to talk to Steve.
"You are Steve correct?" She asked. "Employee RK47133769?"
"Yes that is me, I have been invited to this meeting a few minutes ago." He replied.
"Steve, your situation in our great Morgan Industries family is puzzling..."
Steve tried to maintain calm and try to mentally distance himself from the worrying words he just heard.
"...in the last 13 annual employee evaluations your performance has been rated as *meeting basic requirements*, with annual targets fulfilled between 80 to 92 percent," Dominika continued. "Why not at least 100% Steve? Where is your Morgan Spirit? Do you *climb to the top* as it is written in our corporate values?"
"The company average is 71% and the median 68%, I would say 80 percent is pretty go..."
"Wrong, Steve." Dominika defiantly interrupted him. At this point Steve knew he should not try to use logic and facts against HR, they are immune to them. Alas he could not resist.
"You are ignoring the most elemental basics of our corporate code of excellence. What you do is not *climbing to the top* nor is it *creating value with every action* nor *securing optimal return on opportunity* and definitely not *following a bold culture of market expansion*. Not to mention these accusations of theft from coworkers!" Dominika scolded him before taking a sip of Morgan Deluxe Coffee from a mug with the words "Karen - #1 Mom on Planet!" inscribed upon it.
"Entirely false accusations I can assure you." He replied in a somewhat resigned tone.
"Now, I believe there is only one course of action..." Dominika continued.
The meeting room door opened, a bald man in a fancy suit entered. He had a golden pocket watch in his hand, one Steve could not fail to notice.
"I apologize for being late," the bald man said, "the hygiene technicians were cleaning up the mess left after a duel between some interns, had to take a detour. Since fiscal year '27 I have not seen a man stapled to death."
"Mr. Geldstein," Dominika said," it is good that you joined us. I have just started to give feedback to..."
"I do not care what you are doing." Geldstein told her. "I have Zedong's pre-approval making you essentially my bitch as far as HR procedures are concerned for this particular case and meeting. You will do as I say, so for now stay quiet, and as for you Steve..."
Steve was wondering what the hell is going on.
"...you are an interesting puzzle. You see, as CFO, I like puzzles. Puzzles such as which FTE is a waste of labor costs or which venture offers the greatest ROI at this time. Puzzles which my minions in the FP&A department solve for me."
Steve felt anxiety rising.
"Yet despite all their years of experience in forecasts, analysis and inventing new KPIs, they could not solve one riddle we came across in one of our Project Ghosn meetings." He paused and took out his golden pocket watch, an antique Hamilton that's probably the oldest human-made thing on Planet.
"You see, time *is* money. And they were looking into our employee performance data, compared effective working hours against target achievement rates. They found an anomaly, a person, who according to their metric of target value achievement to effective working time, scored above 2,85. A person who spent 72% of his working hours on non-productive activities such as bathroom breaks, coffee breaks, playing games and ordering fast food. Yet he scored targets above the median and average achievement rates, both in his department and in the company as a whole. That person is you Steve."
Steve was shocked, he knew they probably tracked how much he works, but it seems they knew better than him how he was spending his time in the office.
"I can explain, Sir."
"Steve," Mosche Geldstein told him, "you will explain and we will learn."
Steve seemed perplexed.
"We will learn how you managed to demonstrate the Hlades' Law, that the hardest tasks are best tackled by the laziest person. We will learn what inefficiency you have worked around to free up all this time for you so you could be slacking. These qualities could make you middle management material Steve! First, you will provide know how that will be used to trim the waste, go full lean and slash our administrative overheads, fixed costs and other ballast to increase the holding's efficiency and thus margins, without sacrificing too much of the target achievement rates. All in the most agile of manners, thus securing optimal return on opportunity through restructuring. You will be our consultant on the restructuring project. What do you say to this?"
"Do I have a choice Mr. Geldstein?" Steve asked with uncertainty.
"Steve, I know you are smarter than this, you know there is no choice if management wants you to do something." Mosche told him.
"Then I want to do it." Steve confirmed, knowing all to well that one cannot change his corporate fate.
"Fantastic!" Mosche smiled. "Dominika, confirm this staff transfer procedure workflow and get out of my face."
"Yes sir." Dominika replied unenthusiastically. "Done."
"Great, now leave." The CFO shooed her away.
Geldstein stood up and shook Steve's hand. "We will find a way to reach profitability levels Planet nor Earth have ever seen Steve, and you will be rewarded, within reason of course. My assistant will drop you an email later today with the whens and whats, I will see you soon Steve. Goodbye."
Mosche grabbed a coffee mug as he picked up his things from the desk and left the room.
"Karen, huh?" Mosche said when closely inspecting the mug in his hand. "Sounds like a bitch's name...."
Steve's cubicle was covered in shade, the blinders on his side of the floor have been pulled down, as at this hour and point of the fiscal year both the primary and secondary would otherwise be radiating straight into his little corner of Morgan Tower. Steve himself was busy admiring the finer points of message boards and electronic entertainment found on the morganlinks, well outside of the corporate intranet.
The screen suddenly started flashing in red, shifting the ambient hue of the shaded cubicle from blue to red and interrupting Steve's traditional afternoon cybersclacking session.
"Attention, you have an urgent email from the Human Resources department. You have T minus 5 minutes to reply."
Droplets of sweat have started to appear on Steve's forehead. What do those people suddenly want? Did they catch wind of the "inappropriate" content he viewed using corporate hardware? Maybe it was that bitch Karen causing a shitstorm over her delusions, regarding a non-existent coffee mug with the words "Karen - #1 Mom on Planet!" inscribed upon it, that supposedly Steve stole from the office floor's kitchen.
"The emperor protects!" Steve uttered with conviction as he clicked on the high priority email.
"Dear Steve," it read, "Please join me for a meeting in 8 minutes and 37 seconds in the meeting room CHF on the 42nd floor. Attendance is mandatory and per paragraph 31.2 of your contract, non-attendance is grounds for termination. Very Kind Regards, Dominika Biurwa - Senior Human Resources Partner, Morgan Resources - Providing peoplepower to your Enterprise with a smile!"
Steve sighed, he wondered what this HR goon will want from him.
*
Dominika Biurwa was sitting behind a desk in room CHF, the walls were decorated in a pattern resembling the swiss franc of old earth, famous as a safe haven currency in times of economic crisis. She brought with her a laptop on which she was constantly typing something, while at the same time somehow managing to talk to Steve.
"You are Steve correct?" She asked. "Employee RK47133769?"
"Yes that is me, I have been invited to this meeting a few minutes ago." He replied.
"Steve, your situation in our great Morgan Industries family is puzzling..."
Steve tried to maintain calm and try to mentally distance himself from the worrying words he just heard.
"...in the last 13 annual employee evaluations your performance has been rated as *meeting basic requirements*, with annual targets fulfilled between 80 to 92 percent," Dominika continued. "Why not at least 100% Steve? Where is your Morgan Spirit? Do you *climb to the top* as it is written in our corporate values?"
"The company average is 71% and the median 68%, I would say 80 percent is pretty go..."
"Wrong, Steve." Dominika defiantly interrupted him. At this point Steve knew he should not try to use logic and facts against HR, they are immune to them. Alas he could not resist.
"You are ignoring the most elemental basics of our corporate code of excellence. What you do is not *climbing to the top* nor is it *creating value with every action* nor *securing optimal return on opportunity* and definitely not *following a bold culture of market expansion*. Not to mention these accusations of theft from coworkers!" Dominika scolded him before taking a sip of Morgan Deluxe Coffee from a mug with the words "Karen - #1 Mom on Planet!" inscribed upon it.
"Entirely false accusations I can assure you." He replied in a somewhat resigned tone.
"Now, I believe there is only one course of action..." Dominika continued.
The meeting room door opened, a bald man in a fancy suit entered. He had a golden pocket watch in his hand, one Steve could not fail to notice.
"I apologize for being late," the bald man said, "the hygiene technicians were cleaning up the mess left after a duel between some interns, had to take a detour. Since fiscal year '27 I have not seen a man stapled to death."
"Mr. Geldstein," Dominika said," it is good that you joined us. I have just started to give feedback to..."
"I do not care what you are doing." Geldstein told her. "I have Zedong's pre-approval making you essentially my bitch as far as HR procedures are concerned for this particular case and meeting. You will do as I say, so for now stay quiet, and as for you Steve..."
Steve was wondering what the hell is going on.
"...you are an interesting puzzle. You see, as CFO, I like puzzles. Puzzles such as which FTE is a waste of labor costs or which venture offers the greatest ROI at this time. Puzzles which my minions in the FP&A department solve for me."
Steve felt anxiety rising.
"Yet despite all their years of experience in forecasts, analysis and inventing new KPIs, they could not solve one riddle we came across in one of our Project Ghosn meetings." He paused and took out his golden pocket watch, an antique Hamilton that's probably the oldest human-made thing on Planet.
"You see, time *is* money. And they were looking into our employee performance data, compared effective working hours against target achievement rates. They found an anomaly, a person, who according to their metric of target value achievement to effective working time, scored above 2,85. A person who spent 72% of his working hours on non-productive activities such as bathroom breaks, coffee breaks, playing games and ordering fast food. Yet he scored targets above the median and average achievement rates, both in his department and in the company as a whole. That person is you Steve."
Steve was shocked, he knew they probably tracked how much he works, but it seems they knew better than him how he was spending his time in the office.
"I can explain, Sir."
"Steve," Mosche Geldstein told him, "you will explain and we will learn."
Steve seemed perplexed.
"We will learn how you managed to demonstrate the Hlades' Law, that the hardest tasks are best tackled by the laziest person. We will learn what inefficiency you have worked around to free up all this time for you so you could be slacking. These qualities could make you middle management material Steve! First, you will provide know how that will be used to trim the waste, go full lean and slash our administrative overheads, fixed costs and other ballast to increase the holding's efficiency and thus margins, without sacrificing too much of the target achievement rates. All in the most agile of manners, thus securing optimal return on opportunity through restructuring. You will be our consultant on the restructuring project. What do you say to this?"
"Do I have a choice Mr. Geldstein?" Steve asked with uncertainty.
"Steve, I know you are smarter than this, you know there is no choice if management wants you to do something." Mosche told him.
"Then I want to do it." Steve confirmed, knowing all to well that one cannot change his corporate fate.
"Fantastic!" Mosche smiled. "Dominika, confirm this staff transfer procedure workflow and get out of my face."
"Yes sir." Dominika replied unenthusiastically. "Done."
"Great, now leave." The CFO shooed her away.
Geldstein stood up and shook Steve's hand. "We will find a way to reach profitability levels Planet nor Earth have ever seen Steve, and you will be rewarded, within reason of course. My assistant will drop you an email later today with the whens and whats, I will see you soon Steve. Goodbye."
Mosche grabbed a coffee mug as he picked up his things from the desk and left the room.
"Karen, huh?" Mosche said when closely inspecting the mug in his hand. "Sounds like a bitch's name...."
I need MOAR yehzah and I'm gonna git it! Need to do some corporate shake-up first.
Also not much else happening. Turn 35 so still quite early.
Also not much else happening. Turn 35 so still quite early.
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