Yo I've got some fucking amazing TES jokes that the devs should put into Shiv Isles.
The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword
The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword walked up to the door of the mage guild in Vivec and asked the clerk to see the archmage.
The clerk said "Sorry, the archmage isn't seeing anyone today." The The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword said, "Not even the The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword?" The clerk said, "I don't know, are you the The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword?" The The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword replied, "Yeah. I am." The clerk blinked, and said, "hold on please."
A few seconds later the clerk came back and said, "Okay the archmage has agreed to see you."
The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword said, "Thanks", and proceeded to go see the Archmage.
The Archmage looked at The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword and said, "So you're The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword?" The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword replied, "Yes, sir! I am The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword!" The Archmage nodded, and said, "What can I do for you today?"
The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword kneelled down and said, "I would like to ask you for permission to marry your daughter."
The Archmage furled his brow, and replied, "Now why should my daughter marry an one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword when there are plenty of two eyed many toothed ordinators with shiny silver swords?" The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword replied, "though I am the one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword, my one eye is keen and my one tooth is sharp. My sword may be rusty but it is sturdy and has served me well."
The Archmage thought about this and said, "Prove it to me then. I will give you tasks that number three. If you can complete them all, you shall have my daughter as your wife!"
The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword agreed. The Archmage said, "First task is this, you must go to the dwemer ruins in Stros M'kai and recover the great schematics of the orrery beneath its belly. You will then return this to me."
The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword agreed, and went off to Stros M'Kai. Two years The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword spent beneath the great dwemer ruins until finally The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword recovered the schematics. He happily rode back to the Vivec mage guild.
He knocked on the door and the clerk answered.
The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword asked to see the Archmage.
The clerk said "Sorry, the archmage isn't seeing anyone today." The The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword said, "Not even the The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword?" The clerk said, "I don't know, are you the The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword?" The The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword replied, "Yeah. I am." The clerk blinked, and said, "hold on please."
A few seconds later the clerk came back and said, "Okay the archmage has agreed to see you."
The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword said, "Thanks", and proceeded to go see the Archmage.
The Archmage looked at The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword and said, "So you're The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword?" The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword replied, "Yes, sir! I am The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword!" The Archmage nodded, and said, "SO you are back! Do you have the schematics?"
The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword said, "YES SIR! I SURE DO!", and handed over the schematics.
The Archmage smiled, and said, "Excellent. Good work. Now, your second test. Are you ready for this, one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword?"
The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword replied, "You bet sir!"
The Archmage gave him the second task, "You must venture out into the heartland of the empire and go into the Imperial Palace. There, you must steal the Emperor's crown and replace it with this one from Guar Burger King. The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword agreed.
The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword set off to Cyrodil and there he spent two years working his way into The Blades so he could get close to the Emperor. And there, one night, while the Emperor was sleeping, The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword did a switcheroo with the crown. He sailed back happily to Vivec and the Mage Guild.
He knocked on the door and the clerk answered.
The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword asked to see the Archmage.
The clerk said "Sorry, the archmage isn't seeing anyone today." The The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword said, "Not even the The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword?" The clerk said, "I don't know, are you the The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword?" The The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword replied, "Yeah. I am." The clerk blinked, and said, "hold on please."
A few seconds later the clerk came back and said, "Okay the archmage has agreed to see you."
The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword said, "Thanks", and proceeded to go see the Archmage.
The Archmage looked at The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword and said, "So you're The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword?" The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword replied, "Yes, sir! I am The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword!" The Archmage nodded, and said, "SO you are back! Do you have the crown?"
The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword said, "YES SIR! I SURE DO!", and handed over the crown. Lo and behold, the Archmage smiled, and said, "Excellent. Good work. Now, your second test. Are you ready for this, one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword?"
The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword replied, "You bet sir!"
The Archmage gave him his third and last task, "You must go to the Telvanni stronghold in Tel Mora and slaughter every member of the Telvanni council. Do you think you're MAN ENOUGH to complete this task?"
The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword thought about this for a moment, for he know it was a hard task. But he thought of the beautiful Archmage's daughter, and decided it was worth it.
The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword said, "Yes. I will do this task." The Archmage smiled, patted his prospective son in law, and wished him luck.
The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword went to Tel Mora and like a true man, The one eyed one toothed ordinator with a rusty black sword broke down the door of the Telvanni high council with a swift kick. There, surrounded by the most powerful mages of the Telvanni, he was struck by 50 fireballs and died.
THE END.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Indorilian Ordinator.
Indorilian Ordinator who?
QUIET, SCUM! We'll ask the questions here.
Q: How many ordinators does it take to screw in the lightbulb?
A: Six. One to do it, and five to watch the scum.
Q: What do you call a plot hole in Tamriel?
A: A Dragon Break.
Building a Fort in Tel Mora
The Imperial Legion under the command of General Cassius is ordered to construct a fort next to Tel Mora to keep those Telvanni in check. General Cassius, upon receiving the order directly from the emperor, ordered 100 legionaries and auxilla to march to Tel Mora and commence construction immediately. The 100 legionaries, upon arriving, started gathering wood and stone and plan out the construction. A week later, a modest fort was erected, about 6 feet tall in height and surrounded by a ring of wooden palisades. The troops looked at the fruits of their labor, and was satisfied. Just as the legion was about to pack up and occupy the fort, a lone Telvanni wizard riding on a guar rode by, stopped, threw a fireball at the fort, destroying it competely, and then rode away.
The Fort now lay in shambles. General Cassius, upon reading the report that the fort was destroyed by a lone Telvanni wizard riding on a guar, was FURIOUS! He dispatched 100 more legionaries to Tel Mora and ordered them to rebuild the fort, making it bigger this time.
The now two hundred legionaries immediate got to work to defend the pride of the Emperor. A month later, they erected a fairly impressive fort. It was 10 feet tall, and surrounded by two layers of wooden palisades, including a stone tower overlooking the gate.
The two hundred legionaries were very happy with their work, and admired it greatly. Then, at that moment, out of NOWHERE, a Telvanni wizard rode out on his Guar, stopped, threw a fireball at the fort, destroying it competely, and then rode away.
General Cassius was PISSED. Those dang Telvanni are probably mocking him right now. He called for his squire, and with a wave of his hand, ordered the dispatch of 800 more legionaries to march to Tel Mora and BUILD A BIGGER FORT!
The now 1000 legionaries got to work rebuilding the fort. Half a year later, a most impressive fort was erected. It was made completely out of stone, 16 feet high, with archer ports lining the sides. It was surrounded by a ring of stone walls as high as two grown men, and two impressive looking towers overlooking the city of Tel Mora.
The 1000 legionaries were very happy with their work, and admired it greatly. Then, at that moment, out of NOWHERE, a Telvanni wizard rode out on his Guar, stopped, threw a fireball at the fort, destroying it competely, and then rode away.
General Cassius nearly had a heart attack upon hearing the destruction of his fort, by a LONE TELVANNI, no less. He slammed his fist down upon the desk, and ordered the dispatch of 9000 more legionaries. Their orders were clear: Rebuild the fort at all costs. Build such a fort that the Emperor himself would be awed by its might.
The now 10000 legionaries got to work. One year later,, a most impressive fort was erected. It was 30 feet tall, competely crenullated with the finest stone of the Empire, and surrounded by two rings of stone walls and encapslulated by a 6 feet wide moat. It had 4 towers watching every corner of the fort.
The 10000 legionaries were very happy with their work, and admired it greatly. Then, at that moment, OUT OF NOWHERE, a Telvanni wizard rode out on his Guar, stopped, threw a fireball at the fort, destroying it competely, and then rode away.
General Cassius was now one very angry man. When the Emperor hears about his failure here, he'll probably lose his job - and his head. "That's it", he screamed, "YOU TELVANNI WANT WAR? YOU GOT IT!" This time, he PERSONALLY led every single legionaire stationed in Vvardenfell, numbering 50000 strong, and marched to Tel Mora. There, he ordered the men to build the BIGGEST, MEANEST, and the most [censored] fort mankind has ever seen on Tamriel. "I want a fort", he told his troops, "that makes the White Gold Tower in Cyrodil look like a DAMN TOOTHPICK. YOU GOT ME?"
His 50000 legionaries saluted and shouted, "YES GENERAL SIR! WE GOT YOU SIR!"
The massive construction began that day. 10 years later, it was finally over. A fort over 200 feet tall stood upon the ruins of the last fort. The fort was encased completely by marble, with ports overlooking every direction of the Empire. It was surrounded by 4 rings of crenullated stone walls, and the gate was as big as a small town. The fort was surrounded by a moat 15 feet wide, and crammed full of slaughterfish. No less than sixteen towers guarded the impressive fortification, each taller than the tallest chapel of Arkay.
The 50000 legionaries were very happy with their work, and admired it greatly. Even General Cassius was happy, for the first time in 7 years, for the fort was truly a masterpiece of Imperial engineering. Then, at that moment, OUT OF NOWHERE, a Telvanni wizard rode out on his Guar, stopped, threw a fireball at the fort, destroying it competely, and then rode away.
General Cassius was furious, and his face reddened until he became an avatar of angry destruction. He hopped on his warhorse, brandished his sword, chased the Telvanni wizard riding on a guar down, and slew him then and there.
Moral of the story: Horses are faster than Guars.