Completed Gott Strafe England: Let's play Steam And Iron

[baud]

That's cool how clear the English are fucked here.

I'd say continue the sorties.

 

[vazha]

Reporting for duty! Sign me up as... a Chechen (trve Aryan) admiral, Varhan-Murza, who's never seen a sea before and is tormented by sea sickness. Also, completely and utterly insane since his favorite black goat, Turdo, was kidnapped by the Welsh Sheepshaggin Society.

 

[Andnjord]

Reporting for the duty! Sign me up as... a Chechen (trve Aryan) admiral, Varhan-Murza, who's never seen a sea before and is tormented by sea sickness. Also, completely and utterly insane since his favorite black goat, Turdo, was kidnapped by Welsh.

Slow down cowboy, one does not just start as a superior officer in the Kriegsmarine, got to climb the ladder. Well okay, Azira did but I expected him to die horribly when I put him in command of the old obsolete Armored Cruisers. For your sins you have been assigned as Kalin's flag captain aboard the Seydlitz

That's cool how clear the English are fucked here.

This engagement was one MASSIVE stroke of luck. The whole HSF in front, double the amount of Battle-Cruisers behind and I knew exactly where they were while they had no idea where I was. Two things about it:
-we got real lucky that none of their torpedoes hit (I mean, I was zigzagging like crazy, but still)
-all the time I was certain that they were scouting for the Grand fleet and that 19 dreadnoughts were about to appear right behind like a rape train of pain me up north and kill us all. Dayyalu is essentially my self-insert in that battle.

I'd say continue the sorties.

We should keep up the pressure unless delaying the refit will prevent us from massing the fleet.

Let me clarify what those refits do: As far as I know, when a ship needs to refit it is very likely to suffer engines problems when staying at high speeds. In fact our Konig Albert was in need of it during the last sortie, and lost about 3kn in total of speed during the half-hour the battle lasted. While this is not the end of the world for a BB (so I won't mind keeping them at sea a little bit longer), losing speed as a BC is a death sentence thus BC WILL as a rule stay in dry dock as soon as they need that refit.
As of last turn we have the SMS Moltke and the SMS Konig Albert in dry dock while the SMS Prinzregent Luitpold just came back from it. The SMS Posen (one of our Nassau class) will need a refit next turn and two more 1st gen BB will need it in a couple of turns. As long as I can maintain 12 BBs at sea I will continue with the sorties (if that is the Codex whishes) but below that and I will keep the fleet in port. For the Battle-cruisers I am accepting sending them out at the moment because the British are momentarily down to three, but the BCS really needs to be kept at full strength if at all feasible.

Also, the British had 19 operational BBs last time they sortied, most of them vastly superior to our Nassau and Helgoland classes. In fact only our Kaisers can stand toe to toe to the British Orion-class, Iron Duke-class, Colossus-class and King Georges V class. I am really betting on our superior training, short winter days and superior scouting force to give us an advantage. ATM we would get massacred in a line vs line, muzzle to muzzle slug-out match.

 

[Azira]

Well okay, Azira did but I expected him to die horribly when I put him in command of the old obsolete Armored Cruisers.

I tend to disappoint in this matter.

 

[vazha]

Andnjord the gist of the joke was that Chechnya, under Kadyrov, while having no access to a major body of water, still has the rank of admiral and is actually handing it out to actual persons. IIRC Kadyrov himself is one. Same goes for Armenia. That s the oxymoron I wanted you to play out, maestro ) but I guess captain is just as fine.
p.s. Also he doesnt know how to swim. Imagine a raging, murderous Mr Bean and you ve got the man.

 

[Andnjord]

Andnjord the gist of the joke was that Chechnya, under Kadyrov, while having no access to a major body of water, still has the rank of admiral and is actually handing it out to actual persons. IIRC Kadyrov himself is one. Same goes for Armenia. That s the oxymoron I wanted you to play out, maestro ) but I guess captain is just as fine.
p.s. Also he doesnt know how to swim. Imagine a raging, murderous Mr Bean and you ve got the man.

Gotcha, I had already planned to make jokes about the fact that he came from a land-locked country but wasn't aware that they actually had 'admirals' over there. Welcome aboard the navy Admiral Varhan-Murzan. Hope you won't mind if I make you a naval observer from the Chechen liberation movement? After all Chechenya is part of Russia, one of the Reich's enemies

 

[vazha]

By all means, do as you please!
Couple of peculiar facts: During WW1, the "Wild division", where north caucasus people were recruited & trained, belied all expectations and was considered one of the most effective fighting forces at Russia's disposal. However, WW2 was a completely different story: Hitler & Co actually considered Chechens (and the whole North Caucasus) as trve Aryans. As absurd as it is, it's true. During world war 2 substantial amount of Chechens either outright deserted & avoided the military duty, or even went rogue and assisted Germans in the hopes that the war would bring about the collapse of Soviet Union and subsequently, they'd be allowed to exist as an semi-independent state at least.

Oh and its Murza, not Murzan. It's a hereditary title, something like a marquis. Not as big as a count or herzog, but above the ordinary knight/lord.
P.s. Lest I be accused of Chechen propaganda, I am actually a Georgian :D

 

[Andnjord]

P.s. Lest I be accused of Chechen propaganda, I am actually a Georgian :D

Got any fun chechen stereotypes I could use? I know next to nothing about Chechenya beyond their recent 'warm' relationship with Mother Russia.

 

[Dayyālu]

Holy fuck, engage the British Fleet in 1915 by the Kaiser's sake.

Andnjord is running things well, but if you get overtaken by a superior fleet you are kinda sorta completely fucked. Training helps, but not against massive inferiority.

Let's bide our time, slowly chip at the Eternal Anglo's veins and then strike when he's weakened.

 

[vazha]

P.s. Lest I be accused of Chechen propaganda, I am actually a Georgian :D

Got any fun chechen stereotypes I could use? I know next to nothing about Chechenya beyond their recent 'warm' relationship with Mother Russia.

Here's the recipe to create a perfect chechen: Crossbreed a gun-toting redneck with a saudi jihadist. Add a dash of Romanian gipsy (loud, tasteless music). Train this entity into any martial arts since early childhood: most frequently, wrestling, both freestyle and greek-roman variety. Keep the IQ at the maximum of 90 (a well-read chimp, basically).

Typical endeavors/daily routine: Talk sport, eat, sleep, fuck as many russian chicks as possible (of the lowest IQ variety), talk about sport, eat, dance national dances, fight (only if the opponent is alone and you're a band of ten. Otherwise get your ass beaten up, plot revenge, attack your enemy when he's alone and you're backed with ten checheno-units), be butthurt about anything and everything, don't read, don't learn, but get university diploma through intimidating the whole academic personnel, or if it's a Chechnya-based University (as rare as bigfoot), bribe everyone, dance, dance again, be extremely shy with chechnyan girls because her uncle might kill you if you touch her, vent your anger (and libido) on dumb Russian chicks, eat, sleep.

They also enjoy the dubious honor of living under the second most cartoonish dictator on earth, after Korea's Kim. Just google Kadyrov.

Oh and they're the Welsh of Caucasus. Only it's not sheep in this case, it's donkey.

 

[Andnjord]

engage the British Fleet in 1915

Well technically I asked if I should continue fleet sorties, the vote doesn't say that I should charge madly at the massed Grand Fleet. So I do have some wiggle-room.

hopw roewur ne

That...should be workable....I think :D
Also you are allowed to vote already. Just remember the part where you said that Chechens don't fight unless 10 to 1


Waiting for at least one more vote to continue, if it's A I'll play out the sortie, if it's B I'll wait for a tie-breaker vote

 

[vazha]

A!

 

[Andnjord]

A!

Motherfu.....

SIR YES SIR, THE KAISERLICHE MARINE WILL SORTIE OUT JOYFULLY AND CONFIDENT IN ULTIMATE VICTORY!

 

[Andnjord]

Just a little teaser for all you blood-thirsty monsters: one of our DD got lost (as usual) at night, and lookee here what he found:

Spoiler

EDIT: Phew lads, it is done. Ships were blown up, others were sunk and I now have a ton of screenshots to sort through. See y'all tomorrow for the update

 

[Andnjord]

The Second Battle of Dogger Bank

For those unable to read Habsburg, it says ‘I am healthy and doing well’

Spoiler

Admiral's cabin, aboard the SMS Heligoland anchored at Whilelmshaven

...*mumble mumble*...departure at....*scribble scribble*......average speed.....*tinker tinker*......

Admiral?

.....*grumble grumble*.....ETA should be.......*scratch*.....taking into account delays....*scribble*....

.....Admiral?

WHAT! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY HERE?

But...but...admiral, it's your scheduled appointment with der Kaiser. They have just finished touring the ship and are now getting impatient.

They? Who else is with him, I was not informed...


SLAMS the door open

GROSSEADMIRAL! What a joy it is to see you finally! The whole of the fatherland has been brimming with joy seeing its mighty navy smashing apart the hated enemy!

Sir, I must notify you that while our navy has performed splendidly the battleships gap is still...

Pah, pish posh! The brits must be quaking in their boots at the mere thought of your name! You have my blessing and the nation's backing in your endeavours. Think of what the poor kinder of the Vaterland would think if their beloved Navy was to stay in port, allowing the barbarians to tighten their blockade and strangle us to starvation. Why, they'd have to give away all their beloved sailor's uniforms. Think of the kinder my dear, think of the kinder!

…Yes sir, the Kaiserliche Marine will sortie out joyfully and confident in ultimate victory.

Wunderbar, now I have brought a guest with me, someone who I am sure will prove an invaluable help to you, Admiral Varhan-Murzan. He has come all the way from the famed land of Chechenya to learn of the latest developments in naval warfare!

Chechenya? But…isn’t that the land locked region in the Caucasus? And aren’t they subjects of your cousin the Tsar?

Aссаламу ӏалайкум. an honour to meet you! Fear not my dear colleague, for we are building in secret the greatest armada the world has ever seen! Soon we will rise up against the hated Tsar and throw off the shackles of the Asiatic hordes!

Indeed, her Varhan-Murzan…

It’s Murza my liege.

Varhan-Murza has delighted me with stories of his plucky people. Imagine the wonderful advantage we could draw from opening a second front down there! Imagine a vast dreadnought fleet sailing the Caspian sea! My, the war would be over as soon as this proud people took up their arms!

But sir, Chechnya has no ports, how would they….

If I may? You see, we are building our fleet down in massive sub-terrean vaults. As soon as the moment will be right and my glorious people will rise up in revolt, we will simply slide them down the mountains and hills toward the sea.

An ingenious plan, wouldn’t you say?

Far from me to doubt the drive of your people, but it seems to me like this plan is somewhat far-fetched and I doubt Chechenya has the ressources to…

Oh enough of your misgivings Grosseadmiral. You will take Admiral Varhan-Murzan..

Murza mylord

...Varhan MurzA with you and I trust that he will be well treated. Good luck Grosseadmiral, the Reich stands behind you.

….....

:D

*sigh* Aaaanyways, tell me a bit about yourself, what made you decide to turn against your Tsar Murza, were you passed over for promotion or something?

Passed over…? Why no my dear, I was elected Admiral of the Chechen navy due to my unmatched prowess at dancing the Lezginka. We take this very seriously you see? And I would never serve aboard the Russian Navy, not after what happened to my wife!

Oh, I see. My condolences, I’ve heard the stories of what the Tsar’s cossack’s have perpetrated against the women-folk of the people who resist his rule.

Cossacks? NO, a commando of welsh secret agents stole her from me! My beautiful wife, I can still see her silvery mantle in my dreams….

Her silvery mantle……?

YES! Her wool was famed throughout the land!

Leeeeeet’s change the subject shall we? You are in luck ‘Admiral’, for we are going out for a sortie tomorrow morning.

Capital! I have already found a few good brothels in this metropolis of yours but I’m sure you know the better ones!

-

erm….no, I meant the fleet will sortie out tomorrow, sail out, put to sea, you know?

Oh of course, I was not privy to the language of you hardened sailor, yaar!

Well yes, I mean – what kind of admiral ARE you?

The BEST kind!

SMS Helgoland. As the SMS Konig Albert is momentarily in dry-dock our cpt Dayyalu has been sent to serve aboard the Grosseadmiral’s Flagship.

Madonna te brucio la frigna, we should be engaging the British fleet in 1915 by the Kaiser’s sake. If we get overtaken by the enemy we will be completely fucked.

Captain?

With permission sir, our destroyer screen is inadequate, there’s too many of them in repair for a proper night attack and we are too outclassed in Battleships to fight them in daytime. We should be biding our time and keep on slowly chiping at the Eternal Anglo’s veins.

*hic* I’m not feeling so good….

Who the devil are you?

Oh this is Varan-Murza, representative of the Chechen *snort* navy. The Kaiser has insisted we’d take him along with us.

Is…is he sea-sick? There’s barely any waves…

This…..isn’t like like the Terek river back home…

A sea-sick admiral? What kind of admiral gets sea-sick on a calm sea?

….the best kind…

Anyways, the Kaiser’s order were only to sortie the fleet, not to engage them. Have some faith, will you?

*sigh*

Now listen, our plan today is rather simple. Like last time we will raid the British Coast, except slightly further south. I felt that our previous raid of Hartlepool was putting us too far North of our Dogger Bank mine-fields. Therefore, our target will be Scarborough time. Oh, lighten up, the risk to the BCS should be minimal, the enemy should only have a couple of Battlecruiser operational at most.

But signore, have you seen Kalin recently? He’s really not well, he still hasn’t recovered from his promotion. How do you expect them to perform well with a paralytic commander?

We’ll discuss those matters later on. Perhaps we might have to consider replacing or worse, *shudder* giving him his damn bonus…


Zool’s Journal

Spoiler

Unbeknownst to the admiralty, I have temporarily transferred my flag to the SMS Seydlitz. Sending messages from the Derfflinger like last time was too risky and the alternative, to leave the incompetent vegetable on his own to broadcast reports would have been too inefficient. I must suffer the incessant drooling of this nincompoop, but it is the price to pay for it. I might be court-martialled for taking over command but I’ll be damned if I allow the BCS to be ineffective.

I have started gathering evidence to use against the imbecile, soon I shall be able to end this charade and take my rightful place as commander of the squadron. Soon Zool, soon…

In any case, our little raid off Scarborough went without a hitch, we arrived off the coast at first lights, spotted and sunk a couple of merchant ships and then proceeded to blast our designated targets on land.

Afterward we proceeded to assume patrolling station just north of the Dogger Bank, north of our mine-fields.

So far, no sign of the enemy, but unlike last time we kept our stations throughout the night. Several of our light cruisers and destroyers got lost in the darkness, but with dawn coming up soon we should be able gather them back and head back to port, our fuel reserve are starting to run low.

DD S168 7:45


What do you mean we’re lost? Kaiser’s balls, how is possible to lose contact with more than sixty war-ships!

Kapetan, it’s the schnaps, I swear on me mum! Admiral Azira had a couple of extra crates sent to the crew before leaving shore and they thought that with night coming they could splice the mainbrace boss!

We are a still in a goddamn war-zone! Have they thought of that?

ehm boss….

Do they remember that we are in enemy waters and that our mission is to find and kill enemy ships, not give them water poisoning by puking all over the seas?

…boss…

-I’ll have this scoundrel Azira hanged when we get back to shore, he has caused more harm to the fleet than all of the Royal Navy combined!

BOSS, lookee here!

Oh..

oh…..

oh……………..

ALAAAAAAARM! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !


SMS Kaiser

Bonne nouvelle amiral! One of our destroyers has spotted the enemy fleet just due north of us! Champagne!

Gnnnngh, moar drinksh! We’ll shend them to the boooootom of the sheeeeeeeeash!

Sante!


SMS Helgoland

AAAAGH, siamo fottuti! They’ll kill us all!

Calm your tits kapetan, this is perfect! Signal for the BCS to move in and engage them at max range. They need to bring them to us towards the mine-field.

That…is…the whole goddamn Royal Navy. *Gulp*

And this is our intended trap


SMS Seydlitz


Admiral..ehm…Kapitan, we are in range of the rear of the enemy battle line.

You may fire when ready. Let’s get their attention.

…………more……..organ….

Oh, do me a favour, will you? Clean up this cretin’s drool before someone slips on it.

…………..belieber……….?

Kapetan Grimgravy, how is your ship handling herself?

…………kolony…….?

Engine: stables, maintaining speed. Gunnery: Satisfactory. My Moltke is a better ship but this entity is satisfied with the performance of this von der Tann Battlecruiser..

Excellent, let’s keep the range open but stay in sight of them. It seems that three of us will have to entertain twenty of them.

……….tail….pigs………..

And can someone shut HIM up already!

…….dear….rain………

Forgot to mention it, but the Moltke is currently in dry-docks for a refit.

Spoiler

We’ve almost got them! Head for the gap in the mine-field and inform the Admiral that they’re coming!

……………………..dexterity……..Komment?

Kapitan, this entity must report that the enemy fleet has turned away.

What? Impossible, why would they abandon the chase now…Someone must have betrayed the mine-field to them, there is no other explanation!

………… :D ……………

Oh shut up you.

Hic Well, looksh like our infaaaallible admiral’s plan ishn’t working.

Monsieur, the admiral is signalling for us to pursue them.

Well fuck, that’sh not gonnaaaa end well.

*swoon*, he’s so brave, n’est-ce-pas?

Jusht pour me another one, will ya?

Got your attention, didn’t I?

………..kommon…niggles……..?

Signal to the BCS, we are in position and ready to cross their T.

*beeeeeeeeuaaaaargh* Are we making transgenders out of them?

No seriously, what kind of admiral are you?

The *blaaargh*…the best kind….

We’ve got them now! Fire at will, fire, FIRE! ! !

Spoiler

I was too taken up in the action to take enough screenshots, but trust me, we gave them a serious beating.

Signal for destroyer attack, we need to disrupt them before they can deploy properly

Spoiler

The destroyersh have failed….how many torpedoesh hitsh did you count kapitan?

Just one I’m afraid. Those brave crews, they’ve suffered so many casulties…

Night’s gonna fall soon signore, should we prepare for a night fight?

Hum….negative. Our destroyers are too damaged from their attack and many of them already have barely enough fuel to make it home…

Signal for home port?

Not yet. Look over there, do you see it separated from their fleet? One of their battleships must have suffered a damaged rudder. We’ll go after it.

We’re going after that King George V-Class down at the bottom of the screen

BLAAAAM

Phew, that wash a closhe one.

Damage report signals only damage to the rear of the superstructure, messieur, it’s the just the darts room.

The dartsh room? FUUUUCK, it’s where I kept the Rhum reserve! !

Mon dieu! What a tragedy!

We can’t see anything signore we are at terrible risk..

Our cruisers will protect our flank. Our prey is near….so close…

Lords of the sea have *bleeeeeuagh* mercy on me…..

Here it is monsieur, starboard, less than one thousand yards away!

SAIL ME CLOSER, I WANT TO HIT THEM WITH MY TORPEDO! ! ! !

Signal to the fleet, we’re returning home.

But…the destroyer crews that we’re leaving behind?

They did their duty to the Vatherland. They knew the risks.

Splice the main….*gaaaaaaaaaaaaaah*…brace!

Spoiler

Wait, two BBs sunk?

Well, what do you know but it looks like the Grand fleet ran into our minefield the day before the battle too place. That would explain why they turned away when we got into view of them. In fact, from looking at the detailed report two more BBs ran into mines but didn’t sank.

I honestly feel that I could have led this battle better, the DD attack was a signal failure, (5 DDs sunk for one torp hit) and my manoeuvres could have been better too. Then again, we were fighting 22 Dreadnought Battleships and 6 pre-dreads with only 15 capital ships in total and managed to sink one from gun-fire and cause severe damage to a lot of the others for no serious damage to us.

So I probably shouldn’t complain.

Dayyālu , ye of little faith.

I am now calling a halt to any major operations for the rest of the winter, the SMS Kaiser will need 8 weeks of repair for example (so I can only imagine how long will some of the most damaged British be out of commission), our destroyers took a beating and will need time to come back to full strength and the first of the Konig-class is coming next turn.


Splice the mainbrace captains!

 

[vazha]

InshAllah! Glorious "blargh.." update!

 

[Andnjord]

zool , something might or might not have happened to your character during the latest mission. I'd need you to roll me a d20 dice to determine your fate, otherwise I'll use my generous decision-making powers and determine it myself

EDIT: Our first two Konig-class are now operational, the namesake SMS Konig and SMS Grosser-Kurfurst. The remaining two, the SMS Markgraf and SMS Kronprinz will join us in April.

Dayyālu , baud and Comte , as the leading captains of the High Seas Fleet you are eligible to claim them now. Azira will be assigned to lead the squadron once it is fully out. I'll personally transfer my flag aboard the SMS Friedrich der Grosse as Sheer historically did soon too.

Spoiler

A marginal improvement over the previous Kaiser-class, its only advantage is its more optimized turret placement, with all its turrets placed in the centerline its 10 12'' guns broadside has a easier time being fully brought to bear. Also, with two superfiring forward turrets it will be superior in a bow chase. As the most modern of our ships they will be placed at the front of the battle-line thus will see the most action.

RE-EDIT: Actually, how does one roll a dice here? Am I missing and obvious button or something?

 

[Andnjord]

The long winter of 1914

Spoiler

Kapetan Dayyalu's journal.
Kaiser's coglioni, I can barely believe that we fought off the whole the Royal Navy and came out ahead. I consider it a blessing that night fell so early, otherwise the Anglos would surely have managed to deploy properly and then we would have been fucked.


To my great relief the admiral called for a suspension of all major operations, there were just too many destroyers disabled to provide an effective destroyer screen and this would have been a death sentence with the short days and long nights of the North Sea in this season. Can you believe that night lasts more than 15 hours in this part of the world in December? How I miss my Mediterranean sea...


We didn't stay idling in port though as we kept on running regular mining operations to make the water dangerous for the enemy.

Against my advice the BCS did sortie on the 25th of november, but after laying down some more mines and before they headed for Dover for their planned sweep we started receiving reports of Battleships in front of Emden

We sortied out the whole fleet but to my relief the enemy had disappeared at dawn when we got to the scene. Cross witnesses examinations of the survivors revealed that the initial reports had been wildly off the mark, there were in fact only a couple of Light Cruisers out there.

Spoiler

On the 8th of December the BCS was at it again, with the same plan as before. Curiously the day before Admiral Kalin requested to transfer his flag aboard the SMS Derfflinger. I was under the impression that Kalin and Zool couldn’t see eye to eye but who knows what sort of shenanigans are happening aboard the Prima Donnas Squadron.


According to the official report they stumbled during the night into a British mining operation, a couple of Light Cruisers and several Destroyer flotillas.


The action appears to have been a most confusing one, with enemy ships appearing in and out of the darkness and several torpedo hits on our own ships. To my great sadness the CL Strassburg was hit by two simultaneous torpedoes, causing the ship to capsize immediately. Nevertheless, it was a good victory and all our other ships returned to home, even the severely damaged CL Graudenz. I find it disconcerting that Admiral Kalin didn’t claim a bonus in his report.

Spoiler

Our spotter drank way too much of Azira’s Schnapps, they kept mistaking Destroyers and Light Cruisers as BBs, CAs and whatnot.

The Battle of Norfolk Bank

Spoiler

SMS Derfflinger Bridge 05/01/1915



Kapetan on deck!

At ease men. Aah, it is good to be back.

……………..der….hander……….?

Is…is that the Admiral? What’s wrong with him?

Don’t worry about him, he’s just a funny guy like that. Just make sure to have a mop ready, will you? I like to keep my decks clean.

Right away!

………prosper………

Just a little bombardment mission off of Yarmouth, routine mah boyz...


Next day, 09:05

Kapitan Grimgravy, situation report

This entity can report that all coastal targets were destroyed with the allotted quota of shells. Two merchant ships were sunk in timely manner.

Excellent, let’s start heading home.

………wall……?


12:05



Kapetan, our scout cruisers are reporting sightings of enemy ships. One destroyer south of us and one light cruiser north.

Light cruiser higher value target, this entity recommends northerly course.

Quite, full steam ahead north then.

………..See……new……..land……

Sailor, the mop please.


14:30

This entity would like to report that there is way too much smoke coming from the light cruiser. Possibility of capital ships: high.

Could it be their battle cruisers? Adjust course for interception, we’ll risk it.

………..gutz…….good…..

Wait, are you understanding what I’m saying?

........ ………..?

It’s them! Signal to the other ships their targets, then fire at will. Do not let them escape!

………..the……….cross………?

AND CAN SOMEONE GET THAT MOP PLEASE! ! ! !

Spoiler

Engage closer, after them! Do not lose contact with them! !

15:35 and it's already dark. Gawd I hate the frozen climes of the north.

CLOSER, keep shooting! !

Spoiler

The rain won’t save you Limey, I’ve got you now! !

Spoiler

This entity is pleased by the bloodshed.

Spoiler

We can finish them off! Sail me closer, CLOSER! !


BLAAAAAAAM



16:05 – Derfflinger - Critical hit. Bridge Destroyed!

AAAAAAAAARGH! ! ! ! ! !

NGAAAAAH! ! !

Admiral????? Is that you????

I AM KALIN, SON OF KALIN. MY FATHER WAS A COP AND I HAVE BEEN A COP FOR EIGHT FUCKING YEARS. I HAVE BLASTED CIVILIANS ON TITAN, BUILT UTOPIAN SOCIETIES AND FOUGHT OFF REINDEERS ON HYDRUS. I CREATED FREE MARKET ON ALPHA CENTAURY AND I AM HERE TO KICK ASS AND…

GET.

MAH.

BONAAAAAAAAZ! ! ! ! ! !

AND NO ONE IS GIVING ME MAH FUCKEN BONAZ! !

Ok, what the fuck happening here?

Spoiler

This entity congratulates admiral Kalin for his recovery. Situation: admirable. One Lion-class has been destroyed and one Tiger-class has received two torpedoes. Invincible-class status: 92.0254% chance of sinking.

Correction, one Tiger-class motherfucking BLAMED!

Ngh…..

Okey, let’s get our asses home and get our bonaz, I’ll decide how to deal with that two-faced bitch later…if he makes it out alive.

Celebration. Good times. Come on.

And that’s most of the British BCF down the bottom of the sea. :D Down went HMS New Zealand, HMS Tiger and HMS Queen Mary.


As the bridge of his ship took a direct hit Zool should probably be dead, but I’ll allow a dice roll to determine his eventual fate. As for Kalin this isn’t the ship he picked, so I decided he shouldn’t be offed solely due to my RP machinations.

Kalin you're finally back to your 'normal' self. Assuming zool survives, how do you want to deal with him? He took advantage of your weakness and humiliated you, but he did take good care of the BCS and after all, what's wrong with a little back-stabbing among friends?

But for real, how do you actually roll a dice here? Didn't there use to be a big 'roll dice' button or something a while ago?

 

[Kalin]

What a choice. There is, of course, only one answer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4kr24G8jQpM

Also to roll, you have to go to the post you already made, check the top-right corner and click More options. Not very user-friendly, but I assume it's some monocled counter-measure against unscrupulous save draftscummers who'd just keep rerolling until they got the desired result before actually posting.

 

[Andnjord]

BREAKING NEWS:
YUUUUGE BATTLE OFF THE DOGGER BANK
NEW YORK TIMES REPORTS: The prisoner has assaulted his jailer and is still in jail...but not for long.

Expect multi-update report over the week, the previous fleet battle we had was just a minor scrap in comparison to this.

 

[baud]

Yeah, Kalin DA SPACE COP is BACK !! Looking for HUGE BONAZ!

 

[zool]

Oh my, a direct hit to the bridge. Will I survive?

Edit: 16! That's not too bad.

 

[Andnjord]

Oh my, a direct hit to the bridge. Will I survive?

Edit: 16! That's not too bad.

You rolled a 16! 16*6/10=9.6, rounded up to 10.
+2 modifier due to critical hit to bridge
+1 modifier due to heavy caliber shell
Final roll: 13
Casualty!
Roll a d6 followed by d8 for casualty table! Add +10 for exceeding injury table by 1!

(yes, we are using the Blood Bowl casualty table )


No update until the week-end I'm afraid too much work at the moment

 

[baud]

Oh my, a direct hit to the bridge. Will I survive?

Edit: 16! That's not too bad.

You rolled a 16! 16*6/10=9.6, rounded up to 10.
+2 modifier due to critical hit to bridge
+1 modifier due to heavy caliber shell
Final roll: 13
Casualty!
Roll a d6 followed by d8 for casualty table! Add +10 for exceeding injury table by 1!

(yes, we are using the Blood Bowl casualty table )

So it's a 33% probability to die?

Good luck Zool ; I'm sure Azira will dig a few bottles to drink in your memory.

 

[Andnjord]

So it's a 33% probability to die?

And a good chance of being crippled. I'll be interpreting the results in an extreme way. So a fractured leg will be an amputated one, a groin strain will result in an eunuch, a serious concussion will cause severe brain damage and a fleet discharge....

EDIT: Aaah fuck it, I want to know what happens to Zool and it doesn't actually matter who rolls the dice.

EDIT 2: Ignore that second d6 I rolled, I'm just retarded.

Casualty Roll: 64!
+1 from injury roll.
Final result 74
Fatality!
zool has died in a particulary gruesome way!