Hellraiser
Arcane
Bros, I think you forgot to build something we really need. Or maybe we didn't need that. Well we need it now at any rate.
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Completed I want to be an Urist - A community Dwarf Fortress LP
- Thread starter Krash
- Start date
TripJack
Hedonist
- Joined
- Aug 9, 2008
- Messages
- 5,169
Considering the evil that lingers about Virgintraded, we'd be better served by a crematorium than a cemetery.
Hellraiser
Arcane
It's not in undead land so we don't need a crematorium. At least I think Virgintraded is not in undead land. Well that and engraving slabs is a bitch.
As for the bedrooms, the previous two rulers (particularly the last one) left our glorious fortress woefully lacking enough for all the freeloaders knocking at the doors* of our magnificent gold-infested volcano fortress. Already got over a hundred of lazy bums living in it. Gee, I wonder what that means.
Considering what the dorfs are busy building ATM, I expect the cemetery I did indeed build first will come in handy. But more on that in the update, which I'll write after summer ends. Hopefully *it* will be complete by then. Hopefully *it* will be the first of truly dwarven constructions left as a legacy of my glorious reign.
*if you can call a gigantic bridge over a Volcano crater that leads to a massive entrance hall a door. Oh and all in all we do have a proper militia thanks to them, so it's not all that bad apart from some poor spatial planning with the bedrooms and magma-powered industry.
As for the bedrooms, the previous two rulers (particularly the last one) left our glorious fortress woefully lacking enough for all the freeloaders knocking at the doors* of our magnificent gold-infested volcano fortress. Already got over a hundred of lazy bums living in it. Gee, I wonder what that means.
Considering what the dorfs are busy building ATM, I expect the cemetery I did indeed build first will come in handy. But more on that in the update, which I'll write after summer ends. Hopefully *it* will be complete by then. Hopefully *it* will be the first of truly dwarven constructions left as a legacy of my glorious reign.
*if you can call a gigantic bridge over a Volcano crater that leads to a massive entrance hall a door. Oh and all in all we do have a proper militia thanks to them, so it's not all that bad apart from some poor spatial planning with the bedrooms and magma-powered industry.
Hellraiser
Arcane
The pipe dreams of dwarves. (Part I)
Some totally not related music, apart from the fact it fits the harsh reality of living inside a bloody volcano. Well, at least the first half does.
I decide to pick the perfect dorf to be my avatar, our wood burner. Then, derp strikes in a most codexian manner…
Our wood burner is a she! Oh well, even King Comrade turned out to be a tranny.
1st Granite, I think
Gods damn it! What day it is anyway?! My head hurts, and the whole fortress keeps spinning like those elven dancer girls at a whorehouse. Awful ugly creatures they are, bunch of tree-fornicating philistines! I think I’m gonna puke either from the mere thought of them or from the booze I drank last night. Or the night before that. Just when I was trying not to focus on the awful, downright horrible noise made by that bloody volcano behind the wall, these dolts come into my dwelling. Oi! What do you lot want? I’m having a titanic hangover here, get the bloody hell out of here. They tell me I was chosen to be the new mayor. What kind of bloody joke that is? I may be drunk like an elven virgin just before she gets finally ravaged, and I may have a hangover the size of this bloody volcano, again. But I am not bloody stupid.
It turned out it was true… *sigh* Well, they all laughed that a wood burner decided to migrate to this place. Hell, they laugh at the very concept of wood burning! Wood burning is the most dwarven thing right after drinking until you pass out. Think about it, elves like wood right? So by burning wood you piss on their elven “one with nature” beliefs right? Is there a thing more dwarven than pissing off those tree-fornicating pansies? No I say! Well, unfortunately there’s no wood around here. But we have magma and I’m mayor now apparently. Might as well drown some elves in it or something.
My hangover is finally over, time to do some mayoring or something. Well, we need to melt that ice. The previous two useless buggers running this place failed to do it properly. We need that bloody farmland! With over 80 parasites leeching *my* booze I may end up sober for far too long. How is a mayor supposed to do mayoring while sober? It’s impossible tell you!
First, we need to expand that a bit so that the melting ice floods a bigger area. A long, curved access tunnel is dug out so that it doesn’t flood the whole damn fortress before somebody closes the floodgate with the lever.
More useless buggers and freeloaders! Do they think we have enough booze for every dolt on the continent? There isn’t even enough for me you bloody parasites!
I told the dolts to dig *under* the ice we want to melt. Why? So that we can flood the whole thing with lava thus melting the ice above with the heat. We just need to channel the whole thing in proper pipes. Made out of rock not bloody ice. Hopefully these masons aren’t closet elves like the rest of these dwarf posers.
See! This is exactly the kind of thing I was warning about! No booze and they all start going mad like goblins that are forced to read. Honestly, a sober dwarf is like a literate goblin, it just feels *wrong* on so many levels.
Oi! We need that to make armor for our militia you dolt! Get the bloody hell out of there.
Either I am going mad from being sober or this dolt actually made something useful.
Well, it appears he is actually CONTRIBUTING something to dwarven civilization and this bloody fortress! Might even order to build him a statue to honor his achievement. We may even use something better then gneiss to make it!
So today, whatever the hell day is today, I almost tripped over another one of these bums sleeping on the bloody floor. As if the lack of booze wasn’t enough of a torment already, these buggers are creating a safety hazard! Build them some proper bloody dwellings you useless dolts!
BLOODY HELL! IS ANYONE EVEN GUARDING THE DAMN ENTRANCE?! KILL IT BEFORE IT TAKES WHAT IS LEFT OF *MY* BOOZE!
A bloody fine job! Now get the *other* bugger trying to steal our beer you dolts!
Good job! Now kill the *third* thief. I swear these thieves are coming out of the bloody volcano crater or something!
Bah! Just when we took care of two other ugly bastards, these tree-fornicating nuisances arrives. A whole caravan at that!
After much bargaining by “William” whatshisname, he convinced them to take our useless shite. He got us wood in return. At least we will have enough for some new beds. I asked him if they had any booze. Troubled he quickly ran out of my office. Godsdamn abstinents, if you ain’t thinking about getting us booze, you might as well leave for the unicorn forest with the rest of the long-eared pansies!
He got them to take some more of our useless shite in return for wine. ALCOHOL! Bloody finally! Also, he got some berries and other food. We should be able to make more booze out of it. Otherwise I’ll send the hammerer to motivate the buggers calling themselves brewers.
28th Felsite
Can someone tell me, why the bloody hell do we have so many rangers. How the hell is a ranger an acceptable dwarven career choice anyway? They may as well shave off their beards and go fornicate with unicorns along with the rest of their elven brethren! Bunch of useless arse for brains closet elves!
Meanwhile, the dolt installing the new lava-proof floodgate got himself trapped on the other side. It is as if they sent the biggest bunch of bloody morons down here. *sigh* I’ll make Virgintraded great and oozing with alcohol even if I have to kill all these idiots myself.
BLOODY MORONS!
The lava-powered heating pipe is ready. I sent for one of the miners to break open the obsidian wall and let the lava flow inside. This dolt called Ulminati answered the call. “Lava? Sounds like a true dwarven challenge!” he said. We will be able to grow more brewable plants soon and get some proper booze in this hole. This elven wine is making me want to hug trees, bleh!
He broke through, the lava combined with the nearby ice formed a deadly cloud of hot steam. For a moment it looked like the huge steam explosion claimed Ulminati’s life. However he emerged unscathed from the cloud of boiling water…
… or not. Guess we’ll build him a statue, after all we have plenty of useless zinc around.
RIP Ulminati, you gave your life in the pursuit of a more drunken and thus dwarven fortress. Your sacrifice shall not go in vain.
LARP MODE OFF: How the fuck does one bleed to death from steam? How?! Gabe Newell told me it was harmless!
Well, at this point is it obvious we cannot have all that just waiting to be turned into lethal steam lying around now can we? I order the parasites to dump it outside of the fortress and cover the icy floor with some proper *cheap* stone. Hopefully no more huge steam explosions will happen. Gods know we lack *proper* dwarves around here. Ones who can mine like Ulminati could.
GET US MORE BOOZE BEFORE WE ALL GO MAD FROM BEING SOBER YOU BASTARDS!
1st Galena
More freeloaders, I bet half of them would ride unicorns given the chance rather than forge a proper ax. Being mayor is a bloody torture and all I have is *elven* wine to get me through the day.
They better have some booze damn it!
That useless dolt is still occupying the craftsdwarf’s workshop. Keeps drawing forests, shiny metal, skeletons and quarries. I can understand the shiny metal and quarry bit. But forests? Another bloody pointy-eared faggot not doubt.
You can see the new, not yet cleaned of junk stones cemetery and corpse stockpile next to it.
Work on the *improved* magma pipe is going slow. I would drown my despair in alcohol but we barely got any left. On the upside, the dolts mined out the gold out of the walls of some of the dwellings and replaced them with diorite walls.
24th Galena
Alright, our booze stockpiles aren’t that low after all. So who the hell keeps taking all of my booze then?! Apparently we have a quarter hundred farmers, now if only the bloody magma pipe was ready…
Our lone carpenter has been ordered to move his arse and make us some new beds so that *I* don’t trip over another homeless parasite. At least all the wood we got from the tree faggots should be enough to make most of them gone from *my* precious fortress floor.
1st Limestone
Good news, the improved magma pipe is almost ready. Time to send another miner down there and open up that bloody obsidian that clogged up the pipe. Ice and lava are as much of a nightmare as is being sober on the job.
Fucking steam!
More obsidian, I guess *I* have to think of a way not to lose more *useful* peons while trying to get us more booze.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Not featured: fully smoothed out new dwellings on TWO levels (you can see the WIP first one on a screenshot), new furniture in old/new dwellings, a new magma channel being built to power more magma forges and smelters, the finished main bridge of true dwarvenhood above the volcano crater which Krash begun constructing and lots of smoothed stone.
Blame screenshot captor, I remember making screenshots of those, the piece of shit must have not saved them.
Also fuck ice!
But I think I know *how* to melt it without killing half of our best miner in the process now. The bad news is we’ll need a magma pump or an ice deposit *under* the pipe.
Some totally not related music, apart from the fact it fits the harsh reality of living inside a bloody volcano. Well, at least the first half does.
I decide to pick the perfect dorf to be my avatar, our wood burner. Then, derp strikes in a most codexian manner…
Our wood burner is a she! Oh well, even King Comrade turned out to be a tranny.
1st Granite, I think
Gods damn it! What day it is anyway?! My head hurts, and the whole fortress keeps spinning like those elven dancer girls at a whorehouse. Awful ugly creatures they are, bunch of tree-fornicating philistines! I think I’m gonna puke either from the mere thought of them or from the booze I drank last night. Or the night before that. Just when I was trying not to focus on the awful, downright horrible noise made by that bloody volcano behind the wall, these dolts come into my dwelling. Oi! What do you lot want? I’m having a titanic hangover here, get the bloody hell out of here. They tell me I was chosen to be the new mayor. What kind of bloody joke that is? I may be drunk like an elven virgin just before she gets finally ravaged, and I may have a hangover the size of this bloody volcano, again. But I am not bloody stupid.
It turned out it was true… *sigh* Well, they all laughed that a wood burner decided to migrate to this place. Hell, they laugh at the very concept of wood burning! Wood burning is the most dwarven thing right after drinking until you pass out. Think about it, elves like wood right? So by burning wood you piss on their elven “one with nature” beliefs right? Is there a thing more dwarven than pissing off those tree-fornicating pansies? No I say! Well, unfortunately there’s no wood around here. But we have magma and I’m mayor now apparently. Might as well drown some elves in it or something.
My hangover is finally over, time to do some mayoring or something. Well, we need to melt that ice. The previous two useless buggers running this place failed to do it properly. We need that bloody farmland! With over 80 parasites leeching *my* booze I may end up sober for far too long. How is a mayor supposed to do mayoring while sober? It’s impossible tell you!
First, we need to expand that a bit so that the melting ice floods a bigger area. A long, curved access tunnel is dug out so that it doesn’t flood the whole damn fortress before somebody closes the floodgate with the lever.
More useless buggers and freeloaders! Do they think we have enough booze for every dolt on the continent? There isn’t even enough for me you bloody parasites!
I told the dolts to dig *under* the ice we want to melt. Why? So that we can flood the whole thing with lava thus melting the ice above with the heat. We just need to channel the whole thing in proper pipes. Made out of rock not bloody ice. Hopefully these masons aren’t closet elves like the rest of these dwarf posers.
See! This is exactly the kind of thing I was warning about! No booze and they all start going mad like goblins that are forced to read. Honestly, a sober dwarf is like a literate goblin, it just feels *wrong* on so many levels.
Oi! We need that to make armor for our militia you dolt! Get the bloody hell out of there.
Either I am going mad from being sober or this dolt actually made something useful.
Well, it appears he is actually CONTRIBUTING something to dwarven civilization and this bloody fortress! Might even order to build him a statue to honor his achievement. We may even use something better then gneiss to make it!
So today, whatever the hell day is today, I almost tripped over another one of these bums sleeping on the bloody floor. As if the lack of booze wasn’t enough of a torment already, these buggers are creating a safety hazard! Build them some proper bloody dwellings you useless dolts!
BLOODY HELL! IS ANYONE EVEN GUARDING THE DAMN ENTRANCE?! KILL IT BEFORE IT TAKES WHAT IS LEFT OF *MY* BOOZE!
A bloody fine job! Now get the *other* bugger trying to steal our beer you dolts!
Good job! Now kill the *third* thief. I swear these thieves are coming out of the bloody volcano crater or something!
Bah! Just when we took care of two other ugly bastards, these tree-fornicating nuisances arrives. A whole caravan at that!
After much bargaining by “William” whatshisname, he convinced them to take our useless shite. He got us wood in return. At least we will have enough for some new beds. I asked him if they had any booze. Troubled he quickly ran out of my office. Godsdamn abstinents, if you ain’t thinking about getting us booze, you might as well leave for the unicorn forest with the rest of the long-eared pansies!
He got them to take some more of our useless shite in return for wine. ALCOHOL! Bloody finally! Also, he got some berries and other food. We should be able to make more booze out of it. Otherwise I’ll send the hammerer to motivate the buggers calling themselves brewers.
28th Felsite
Can someone tell me, why the bloody hell do we have so many rangers. How the hell is a ranger an acceptable dwarven career choice anyway? They may as well shave off their beards and go fornicate with unicorns along with the rest of their elven brethren! Bunch of useless arse for brains closet elves!
Meanwhile, the dolt installing the new lava-proof floodgate got himself trapped on the other side. It is as if they sent the biggest bunch of bloody morons down here. *sigh* I’ll make Virgintraded great and oozing with alcohol even if I have to kill all these idiots myself.
BLOODY MORONS!
The lava-powered heating pipe is ready. I sent for one of the miners to break open the obsidian wall and let the lava flow inside. This dolt called Ulminati answered the call. “Lava? Sounds like a true dwarven challenge!” he said. We will be able to grow more brewable plants soon and get some proper booze in this hole. This elven wine is making me want to hug trees, bleh!
He broke through, the lava combined with the nearby ice formed a deadly cloud of hot steam. For a moment it looked like the huge steam explosion claimed Ulminati’s life. However he emerged unscathed from the cloud of boiling water…
… or not. Guess we’ll build him a statue, after all we have plenty of useless zinc around.
RIP Ulminati, you gave your life in the pursuit of a more drunken and thus dwarven fortress. Your sacrifice shall not go in vain.
LARP MODE OFF: How the fuck does one bleed to death from steam? How?! Gabe Newell told me it was harmless!
Well, at this point is it obvious we cannot have all that just waiting to be turned into lethal steam lying around now can we? I order the parasites to dump it outside of the fortress and cover the icy floor with some proper *cheap* stone. Hopefully no more huge steam explosions will happen. Gods know we lack *proper* dwarves around here. Ones who can mine like Ulminati could.
GET US MORE BOOZE BEFORE WE ALL GO MAD FROM BEING SOBER YOU BASTARDS!
1st Galena
More freeloaders, I bet half of them would ride unicorns given the chance rather than forge a proper ax. Being mayor is a bloody torture and all I have is *elven* wine to get me through the day.
They better have some booze damn it!
That useless dolt is still occupying the craftsdwarf’s workshop. Keeps drawing forests, shiny metal, skeletons and quarries. I can understand the shiny metal and quarry bit. But forests? Another bloody pointy-eared faggot not doubt.
You can see the new, not yet cleaned of junk stones cemetery and corpse stockpile next to it.
Work on the *improved* magma pipe is going slow. I would drown my despair in alcohol but we barely got any left. On the upside, the dolts mined out the gold out of the walls of some of the dwellings and replaced them with diorite walls.
24th Galena
Alright, our booze stockpiles aren’t that low after all. So who the hell keeps taking all of my booze then?! Apparently we have a quarter hundred farmers, now if only the bloody magma pipe was ready…
Our lone carpenter has been ordered to move his arse and make us some new beds so that *I* don’t trip over another homeless parasite. At least all the wood we got from the tree faggots should be enough to make most of them gone from *my* precious fortress floor.
1st Limestone
Good news, the improved magma pipe is almost ready. Time to send another miner down there and open up that bloody obsidian that clogged up the pipe. Ice and lava are as much of a nightmare as is being sober on the job.
Fucking steam!
More obsidian, I guess *I* have to think of a way not to lose more *useful* peons while trying to get us more booze.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Not featured: fully smoothed out new dwellings on TWO levels (you can see the WIP first one on a screenshot), new furniture in old/new dwellings, a new magma channel being built to power more magma forges and smelters, the finished main bridge of true dwarvenhood above the volcano crater which Krash begun constructing and lots of smoothed stone.
Blame screenshot captor, I remember making screenshots of those, the piece of shit must have not saved them.
Also fuck ice!
But I think I know *how* to melt it without killing half of our best miner in the process now. The bad news is we’ll need a magma pump or an ice deposit *under* the pipe.
RIP Ulminati
May your horrible death by scalding not be in vain.
May your horrible death by scalding not be in vain.
GarfunkeL
Racism Expert
Hilarious!
Cassidy
Arcane
Isn't it easier to channel a way to the magma instead?
Krash
Arcane
Hung over? The only dwarf hangover is the one caused by lack of booze!
Also, URIST HAS MANDATED THAT TRUE PATRIOTIC DWARF CODEXERS VOLUNTARILY ENROLL FOR A TURN FOR THE MOST PATRIOTIC, GLORIOUS AND MAJESTIC WORKER'S PARADISE OF VIRGINTRADED*
*dirty bourgeois elf reactionaries need not apply.
Also, URIST HAS MANDATED THAT TRUE PATRIOTIC DWARF CODEXERS VOLUNTARILY ENROLL FOR A TURN FOR THE MOST PATRIOTIC, GLORIOUS AND MAJESTIC WORKER'S PARADISE OF VIRGINTRADED*
*dirty bourgeois elf reactionaries need not apply.
Hellraiser
Arcane
DF wiki says you need to run the magma under *unmined* ice. What it failed to mention though was, that the magma melts the ice floor making the new water pour down on the lava below forming obsidian. Oh and a steam cloud of doom. That's why I mined out the whole chunk of ice and built walls around it. I just didn't expect the ice floor above melting away...
Also a channel would keep getting clogged up with obsidian.
This would have worked flawlessly if the ice above was on a rock floor. However, because the magma pipe has a solid rock floor now it may melt ice below it. Assuming there is *any* ice below it. I'll still have to clear out the top out of lethal soon-to-be-steam. Getting more booze is never easy now is it?
Worst case scenario we'll have to use the magma-safe materials around to build a magma pipe and a windmill farm. Which is bloody great because we're just sitting atop a ton of wood after all! Oh and unless we find nethercap the axles powering the pumps will get incinerated.
*sigh* Get me some dwarven spirits....
Cassidy
Arcane
Surely my method is far less efficient but it is casualty-free and sort of works.
Hellraiser
Arcane
A casualty-free and less efficient dwarven construction method in an oxymoron. Might as well go fuck a unicorn rather than build a fortress inside a bloody volcano if you want casualty-free and less efficient
I don't want to spoil the update, but at this point your method won't be needed anyway.
The year is done by the way, a truly dwarven second half of the year it was
. I'll start writing the update after I crop the screenshots and upload them.
Also:
URIST HAS MANDATED THAT TRUE PATRIOTIC DWARF CODEXERS VOLUNTARILY ENROLL FOR A TURN FOR THE MOST PATRIOTIC, GLORIOUS AND MAJESTIC WORKER'S PARADISE OF VIRGINTRADED*
*dirty bourgeois elf reactionaries need not apply.
So sign up, we have a bloody volcano and tons of gold. Oh and lovecraftian eldritch horrors roaming around as well. What's not to like you dolts?
I don't want to spoil the update, but at this point your method won't be needed anyway.
The year is done by the way, a truly dwarven second half of the year it was
. I'll start writing the update after I crop the screenshots and upload them.Also:
URIST HAS MANDATED THAT TRUE PATRIOTIC DWARF CODEXERS VOLUNTARILY ENROLL FOR A TURN FOR THE MOST PATRIOTIC, GLORIOUS AND MAJESTIC WORKER'S PARADISE OF VIRGINTRADED*
*dirty bourgeois elf reactionaries need not apply.
So sign up, we have a bloody volcano and tons of gold. Oh and lovecraftian eldritch horrors roaming around as well. What's not to like you dolts?
I like it plenty and am following this LP with great interest, but I have only played DF once, several years ago. And currently I'm busy with my own LP..
What I'm trying to say is, I'm not hardcore or
enough, sorry. The best I can do is quaff plenty of beer and gruffly go for other peoples kneecaps.
What I'm trying to say is, I'm not hardcore or
enough, sorry. The best I can do is quaff plenty of beer and gruffly go for other peoples kneecaps. Computer Gamer Refugee
Learned
- Joined
- Mar 9, 2012
- Messages
- 382
I have not played dwarf fortress in several years and I never succeded in one I tried. It will take me at least a week to figure out the interface, and perhaps a bit more to figure out how to make and prep screenshots, but after that I'll consider giving it a shot.
Stereotypical Villain
Arcane
You fools ought to have left the ice-handling to the one true master of ice in fair Codexia.
So what you're saying is that my dwarf got killed by.......
Obsidian Entertainment!
Hellraiser
Arcane
So what you're saying is that my dwarf got killed by.......
Obsidian Entertainment!
Which was using STEAM. You know what that means?
BTW update is nearly done. There was a most fitting end to my reign
Hellraiser
Arcane
The pipe dreams of dwarves. (Part II)
Ah fuck it, I'm out of ideas for decent volcano-dwarven background music! I wish they made an orchestral version of the lower norfair theme.
3rd Sandstone
The two new residential areas are nearly done. I have to admit it, the REAL dwarves can actually get some work done around this place. Unlike the remaining 70% of freeloading parasites. Now if only these dolts could make us some bloody new furniture!
15th Sandstone
We’re down to two miners and we have ten fishery workers. BLOODY HELL! Are they sending the most useless buggers on the planet down here?!
The end is near, no not of my life or of this fortress. Even if we are short on proper booze... The end of my reign. So how to show these buggers the splendor *I* brought to this gods forsaken hole in a volcano? By building my legacy of course. The dolts just have to dig out a three urist deep open chamber first.
18th Sandstone
BLOODY FREELOADERS KNOCKING AT THE GATES AGAIN! ARGHHHH!
26th Sandstone
So one of our engraves, a dolt that actually does something *useful* around here, started mumbling something about mica out of all things. Said it came to him in a dream. Alien geometries or some such nonsense.
Well, SerratedBiz claimed a workshop, unlike the parasite who occupied it the last time, he know *what* he wants to make. Even if he does keep babbling about “wanting to be eaten first” all the time. Is that some kind of new dirty slang word loaned from elven? Bloody tree-fornicating faggots are even corrupting our beautiful ancient dwarven tongue these days. Bah!
I guess we’ll sell it to the elves for some booze. Gods know the pansies can’t mine let alone craft anything out of rock. Why the gods created such hideous and useless creatures is beyond me.
5th Timber
See! See! I told everyone this would happen! Too many freeloaders and not enough booze to go around! He was completely sober, what a horrible way to die.
13th Timber
Some dolts from gods know where, most likely somewhere without yetis, polar bears, fish-people, ice or bloody magma, came to trade with us.
FINALLY! Somebody appreciates *my* work. Work which is making this fortress great! If it means more booze I *will* agree obviously.
I will become a Baroness! HAHAHAHAHA! I haven’t felt this overjoyed since I was just a wee innocent dwarven lass. This will show all those bloody morons who insulted me and my wood burning skills!
Ah, the magnificent entrance to Virgintraded. Is there a thing more dwarven than a stone bridge leading into a large opening in the side of a mountain. A stone bridge hanging over a volcano crater filled with lava at that? Of course not! Well maybe outside of dropping elves into the crater from the bridge. Or alcohol.
The *true* dwarves who are working on the chamber are nearly done. They even uncovered a gold vein while mining! Yes, when *it* will be done all will know the splendor of Hellraiser, the Baroness of Virgintraded! Now I just need to tell the OTHER dolts to work on that bloody furniture!
The liaison kept pestering me with outright bloody moronic question. What does he mean what we need? BLOODY BOOZE OF COURSE YOU DOLT! Oh and maybe some food, bloody magma pipe ain’t finished yet. Useless bunch of closet elves…
It looks like *they* followed the caravan. Filthy creatures, I sent the two squads calling themselves the militia after them. A strike against Virgintraded is a strike against the Baroness herself you fish-like fools!
The savage beasts make clothes out of nervous tissue. I do not want to know *where* do they get enough of it. It reminds me of an odd dream I had, of a city deep below the ice…
The last one of them is dead. My fortress is safe once again, the Baroness reigns supreme! We lost three useful dwarves during the fight. Luckily, I managed to find a few useless bums who I immediately conscripted into the militia to fill in the ranks.
This time William remembered what we need. More booze!
And food obviously, all those juicy plump helmets will make fine ale after all! Or wine. Hell I don’t care what they make out of it as long as it makes the hangover go away.
4th Moonstone
One of these useless idiots started complaining that his cat has gone missing and that I, as Baroness Supreme of the Golden Volcano of Virgintraded, should send the guards to search of it. Strangely enough, I dreamt of a cat being ravaged by the fish-people. Ugh, must have been that new neonomicon book I read. Damn thing is giving me nightmares. What a piece of pederast shite it was.
7th Moonstone
Apparently we lost a miner other than Ulminati at some point. Also that miner started haunting the magma pipe, despite being properly buried in a grave. Bloody great, better engrave a memorial slab for him. These nightmares about that odd city are already giving me a bad case of insomnia even without a ghost roaming around.
9th Moonstone
GET US MORE BOOZE YOU BLOODY PARASITES!
We need food and booze, not horses that eat our precious brewable plants! I ordered the dog to be butchered as well, nobody wanted that bloody mutt anyway and we need to have some variety in our meals. Might as well eat some dog meat for a change.
Continued in next post...
Ah fuck it, I'm out of ideas for decent volcano-dwarven background music! I wish they made an orchestral version of the lower norfair theme.
3rd Sandstone
The two new residential areas are nearly done. I have to admit it, the REAL dwarves can actually get some work done around this place. Unlike the remaining 70% of freeloading parasites. Now if only these dolts could make us some bloody new furniture!
15th Sandstone
We’re down to two miners and we have ten fishery workers. BLOODY HELL! Are they sending the most useless buggers on the planet down here?!
The end is near, no not of my life or of this fortress. Even if we are short on proper booze... The end of my reign. So how to show these buggers the splendor *I* brought to this gods forsaken hole in a volcano? By building my legacy of course. The dolts just have to dig out a three urist deep open chamber first.
18th Sandstone
BLOODY FREELOADERS KNOCKING AT THE GATES AGAIN! ARGHHHH!
26th Sandstone
So one of our engraves, a dolt that actually does something *useful* around here, started mumbling something about mica out of all things. Said it came to him in a dream. Alien geometries or some such nonsense.
Well, SerratedBiz claimed a workshop, unlike the parasite who occupied it the last time, he know *what* he wants to make. Even if he does keep babbling about “wanting to be eaten first” all the time. Is that some kind of new dirty slang word loaned from elven? Bloody tree-fornicating faggots are even corrupting our beautiful ancient dwarven tongue these days. Bah!
I guess we’ll sell it to the elves for some booze. Gods know the pansies can’t mine let alone craft anything out of rock. Why the gods created such hideous and useless creatures is beyond me.
5th Timber
See! See! I told everyone this would happen! Too many freeloaders and not enough booze to go around! He was completely sober, what a horrible way to die.
13th Timber
Some dolts from gods know where, most likely somewhere without yetis, polar bears, fish-people, ice or bloody magma, came to trade with us.
FINALLY! Somebody appreciates *my* work. Work which is making this fortress great! If it means more booze I *will* agree obviously.
I will become a Baroness! HAHAHAHAHA! I haven’t felt this overjoyed since I was just a wee innocent dwarven lass. This will show all those bloody morons who insulted me and my wood burning skills!
Ah, the magnificent entrance to Virgintraded. Is there a thing more dwarven than a stone bridge leading into a large opening in the side of a mountain. A stone bridge hanging over a volcano crater filled with lava at that? Of course not! Well maybe outside of dropping elves into the crater from the bridge. Or alcohol.
The *true* dwarves who are working on the chamber are nearly done. They even uncovered a gold vein while mining! Yes, when *it* will be done all will know the splendor of Hellraiser, the Baroness of Virgintraded! Now I just need to tell the OTHER dolts to work on that bloody furniture!
The liaison kept pestering me with outright bloody moronic question. What does he mean what we need? BLOODY BOOZE OF COURSE YOU DOLT! Oh and maybe some food, bloody magma pipe ain’t finished yet. Useless bunch of closet elves…
It looks like *they* followed the caravan. Filthy creatures, I sent the two squads calling themselves the militia after them. A strike against Virgintraded is a strike against the Baroness herself you fish-like fools!
The savage beasts make clothes out of nervous tissue. I do not want to know *where* do they get enough of it. It reminds me of an odd dream I had, of a city deep below the ice…
The last one of them is dead. My fortress is safe once again, the Baroness reigns supreme! We lost three useful dwarves during the fight. Luckily, I managed to find a few useless bums who I immediately conscripted into the militia to fill in the ranks.
This time William remembered what we need. More booze!
And food obviously, all those juicy plump helmets will make fine ale after all! Or wine. Hell I don’t care what they make out of it as long as it makes the hangover go away.
4th Moonstone
One of these useless idiots started complaining that his cat has gone missing and that I, as Baroness Supreme of the Golden Volcano of Virgintraded, should send the guards to search of it. Strangely enough, I dreamt of a cat being ravaged by the fish-people. Ugh, must have been that new neonomicon book I read. Damn thing is giving me nightmares. What a piece of pederast shite it was.
7th Moonstone
Apparently we lost a miner other than Ulminati at some point. Also that miner started haunting the magma pipe, despite being properly buried in a grave. Bloody great, better engrave a memorial slab for him. These nightmares about that odd city are already giving me a bad case of insomnia even without a ghost roaming around.
9th Moonstone
GET US MORE BOOZE YOU BLOODY PARASITES!
We need food and booze, not horses that eat our precious brewable plants! I ordered the dog to be butchered as well, nobody wanted that bloody mutt anyway and we need to have some variety in our meals. Might as well eat some dog meat for a change.
Continued in next post...
Hellraiser
Arcane
23rd Moonstone, I think
While work on the magma pipe has been delayed *again* the other dolts finished the magma conduit which will power our new workshops. Soon, we will have two more working forges and one more smelter. This means there will be more materials for *it*.
29th Moonstone, possibly
The new industrial developments are finished. Unfortunately, the fourth forge isn’t properly connected to the magma conduit so the bloody dolts will have to dig some more. The previous two dolts lacked the foresight to predict we would need to expand our industry. Which means the ore stockpile is far away from the new forges and smelter, I had to designate a new stockpile. At least the metal bars are stored near. All that gold just lying there… and all of it belongs to me, the Baroness. HAHAHAHAHA!
Bad news, some of our brave warriors got injured during that fight with the fish-people. What is worse our hospital, ran by William of course, lacked clean water. I’m no doctor, dealing with wounds is below a Baroness after all, but my guess is they died of thirst or of an infection. We need new conscripts. And more coffins, too many bodies piling up in the corpse stockpile. The voices tell me *it* approaches.
Fortunately, the new magma forges will cast some nice golden sarcophagi for us. I guess we’ll bury Ulminati in one of them. The filthy diorite coffin he is in currently is unworthy of housing the remains of a TRUE dwarf! Now if only these dolts could dump all this bloody stone somewhere.
Due to all the wood we bought with the useless shite some of these dolts made, I have ordered them to erect a new carpenters workshop. Honestly, we have double the wood in the stockpile still waiting at the trade depot. If my reign as mayor wouldn’t be ending soon, I would order these idiots to build some windmills to power a bunch of magma pumps. Maybe I will use my influence as Baroness Supreme of the Golden Volcano of Virgintraded to make the next mayor build one.
2nd Opal
Another day another body found. The fools should be glad, they were spared the knowledge of what is to come. We shall all be prisoners of ice, our only hope is to be eaten first…
4th Opal
If we have so much bloody booze lying around, why am I nearly sober? What madness is this! Unless *it* is already upon us…
8th Opal
After much fornicating around, the dolts have engraved that bloody slab and put the ghost to rest. *sigh* At least Ulminati isn’t bothering us.
11th Opal
The commoners are getting uppity again, they keep asking if there is a serial killer on the loose. Ridiculous plebian rumors! True dwarves do not hide with the killing they do, they announce it loudly to the world around them! Sadly, it is up to those of noble blood like *me* the Baroness Supreme of the Golden Volcano of Virgintraded, to enlighten the ignorant fools what it means to be a dwarf. Closet elves all of them…
17th Opal
Apparently some of these bloody morons can’t find their way to the booze stockpile, even if we have a bloody surplus and they’re sober as hell. Did their mothers swap their babies for elven ones after birth or something?! Filthy commoners…
23rd Opal
BLOODY MORONS ALL OF THEM! I’LL KILL THEM ALL ONE DAY!
After digging out the chamber, the dolts started building the shrine to Her Baroness Supreme of the Golden Volcano of Virgintraded, Hellraiser the Great. First they will build a block of solid gold atop of which a golden statue, one perfectly reflecting my beauty, will be erected. Afterwards, the corridor leading to the shrine will be plated with gold. Finally, when the construction work is done, the pool around the shrine will be filled with magma from the top thus creating a golden island amidst a lake of fire. It will be almost as glorious and as dwarven as I am! HAHAHAHAHA!
28th Opal
THE VOICES TELL ME I MUST ACT SOON.
The solid block of gold is finished, now they dragged my golden likeness on top of it and will surround it with more golden walls. Isn’t it magnificent?
16th Obsidian
KILL IT BEFORE IT STEALS *MY* GOLD!
YOU USELESS BLOODY MORONS! I’LL DO IT MYSELF! I’LL DO *ALL* OF IT MYSELF AND SPARE YOU FROM *IT*! PH'NGLUI…
16th Obsidian - Diary of Urist, interim mayor.
The Baroness has gone mad, no I don’t mean she sobered up again. She has started speaking in tongues, saying that all we can do is pray to be eaten first. Then she went on a rampage…
…it was brutal and truly dwarven. I became interim mayor as a result, it was sad to see such a magnificent noble dwarven persona engulfed in madness. Truly Virgintraded was blessed by her rule.
And so the Baroness was struck down. The entire fortress, as per her wishes written down in her will, engaged in a drunken orgy while chanting “IA! IA!” during the funeral. Well alright, nobody actually bothered coming to the orgy, to think I actually washed my underwear and bathed for nothing. Bloody useless prudes!
The shrine is nearly finished, I think we’ll use it as a tomb. It is only fitting she spends eternity in her greatest achievement. However, the next mayor will decide on that.
THE END
However here’s some stuff for the champions of socialism that will continue to build the legacy of Virgintraded.
The magma must fill the pool surrounding the island with the shrine and (hopefully) future tomb of Hellraiserin, Baroness Supreme of the Golden Volcano of Virgintraded.
Just remember that our future new farmland, that will be made thanks to the ice under the FUN pipe, is near. Dig out some rock near it so that the water has something to flood. Afterwards seal it off, or build a bridge above the magma conduit leading to the shrine chamber. Just don’t get it or the dwellings flooded with molten rock ok bros?
Due to an attack of DERP, the left leaver controls the entrance to the FUN pipe. The middle one and the left one got switched around by accident. The right leaver is now useless since all the ice above the fun pipe has been disposed of or it has been sealed off.
Make sure that dolt built a ramp there, thus allowing the magma forge above it to be powered. Connect the new conduit to the one filled with magma afterwards and seal it off.
The top of the FUN pipe is almost done, the dorfs just need to finish the wall. Ignore the ice you see there, it’s sitting atop of a proper stone floor. So first thing, check where the ice in the level below the FUN pipe is exactly. Carve out a chamber next to, then break the obsidian clogging up the FUN pipe thus flooding it with magma.
The pipe will get clogged by obsidian because of the ice in the south, but it will be 80% filled so a lot of ice below it will melt. Don’t worry, the FUN pipe’s floor is of magma-proof diorite.
NOTE: The construction of remaining walls segments is "suspended" because of the ice on it. Dump the ice and be sure to switch that off so that they finish it. The ice is set to "forbidden" so use d>b>c to reclaim it. An oversight on my part.
If needed the FUN pipe can be expanded. Also find us a new gold vein, sure we have one in the shrine chamber but another one could prove useful. Even if we are literally drowning in shiny metal bars.
Copy paste my design if possible, if we could make a few stairwells like this surrounded by dwellings like that we could save space and optimize dwarf travel time around the fortress.
Lastly, the Baroness Supreme of the Golden Volcano of Virgintraded needs a proper tomb. A few golden sarcophagi should be already made. Deconstruct parts of the golden wall block and put one in the middle and bury her there. Hopefully that will not cause the statue above to crash on the dwarf below thus killing him. Otherwise just dig a tomb chamber under the block of gold, place the sarcophagus there, bury the baroness and seal it off. For maximum ancient Egyptian LARP, put a ton of traps so that nobody steal the golden sarcophagus.
To do list:
- designate new miners, apparently we only had two
- recruit more meatshields into the militia to replace those that died in the hospital
- make shields, I also forgot about those
- turn the Hellraiserin shrine into her tomb, flood the pool around it with magma from above
- mine out an open stone chamber near the ice deposit under the FUN pipe. Make a farm field in the new fertile soil
- make more beds, bedrooms and furniture for them
- FIND MORE HEMATITE, we ran out of iron or- Build a wind farm if possible, surround it with a diorite wall with the only entrance being from inside the fortress to make it siege-proof
- IMPORT FLUX STONE AND COKE, BUY NETHERCAP WOOD IF POSSIBLE
Oh, I bought us some steel bars, lots of anvils and other useful crap in addition to all the food, booze, seeds and wood.
Hellraiser
Arcane
Cassidy
Arcane
Krash
Arcane
Holy shit what a slaughter. I think we might have a vampire loose or something, otherwise I'm stumped as to what kills all the dwarfs by dehydration.
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