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Azira is a deranged dwarf, deep inside. Worships Shoduk, god of depravity (the only other follower of Shoduk is Sukhavati), has a rather grotesque history and a questionable moral compass. I know it's been a while and most people forgot his Rimworld counterpart, but it wasn't that different.
Azira is your friendly-neighbour-who-is-also-a-maniac kind of guy, one that you often see in horror movies. Rimworld-Azira had more pronounced alcohol addiction, but it wouldn't make sense in DF. Dwarves drink every day. They drink booze instead of water.
It's probably a bit too graphic in the latest update. Not as graphic as Usury's post of literal anal candles in old Rimworld threads, but still. I'll put this section in NSFW spoiler.
14th Sandstone, 125, Mid-Autumn
The Outpost, Dining Room
*sounds of extreme violence can be heard from the brewery*
*kicks open the door and comes out, holding a dead rat*
Stonesense is fixed, sort of. As you can see, some dwarves are missing sprites.
No matter. Feels even more prosper-ous this way.
Greetings, friend!
*drops the rat on the floor and starts stomping it* STAY! THE FUCK! OUT! OF MY STIIIILL!! *the rat is a bloody pulp now*
Ah, you are one of the sane dwarves. Connecting words into coherent sentences is a rare quality among the locals.
*spits on the mutilated rat*
You must be the brewer. Care to join me for a drink?
Who arr you?
Tekkud, outpost liaison from Plankplunged. And you are?
Spigot. Unless you get on my nerves, in which case you can call me Last Thing I Saw Before Suffering a Horrible Death.
All I wanted is to praise your product. That's the best longland beer I ever had.
Hrmpf. It's beer. You drink it and forget about it. Nothing to praise.
I won't forget this taste anytime soon.
*takes a seat, starts drinking from the barrel* Fuck this place, can't even make some fucking goblets, those bastards. Liaison, you say? Thought I saw your wagons leaving a few days ago.
I'm staying here, my friend. The Queen asked me to keep an eye on your outpost, make sure you are doing well.
Hrmpf. Another dwarf to keep drunk.
That dwarf doesn't drink too much, so don't bother yourself thinking about me. Spigot... Your name sounds familiar. I'm an old dwarf who spent half of his life as a wandering poet. My memory might not be as sharp as before, but... Say, aren't you the apprentice of Dostngosp Hexcusp?
Mind yarr own business!
I'm not judging, my friend. I myself was living among elves for almost seventy years. You've spent what - three years? Four?
Living in goblin pits.
You don't know me, old cunt.
True. But I know Dostngosp Hexcusp. Not personally, but rather her reputation. After all, she is one of the few goblin poets, a living legend among her kind. They say Gods themselves visit Dostngosp in her dreams, providing aid in writing new pieces of literature.
Wandering poets hear a lot of rumors and stories on the road. My troupe performed in many taverns, goblin taverns included. Not so long ago, actually. Now, goblin tales are usually dull, but one of them was quite memorable. The tale of a dwarven bartender named Spigot.
*looks around, making sure nobody is listening*
They say Spigot's booze would knock down any living creature, for it was a robust and unforgiving brew. Some people would kill for merely having a taste of it. But murder is nothing compared to enduring Spigot's company - as soon as you enter his bar, your only wish is to get out as quickly as possible. The world has never seen a dwarf more rude, unwelcoming, and generally unpleasant to be around. Spigot surpasses them all in that regard.
Fucking goblins and their exaggerations. My bar was just fine.
Except it was empty all the time. In order to make it work, you had to learn a thing or two about interacting with people. According to the goblin's tale, you chose Dostngosp Hexcusp as your mentor, because she is the most celebrated speaker among goblins, humans, elves, and dwarves. But we both know it's not the case.
My fart sounds better than her speech.
Then why did you seek her tutelage?
None of your damn business!
As you say. Do you want to know the end of Spigot's tale? According to the goblins, of course.
I couldn't care less. *Drinks from the barrel*
A pity. It's the best part.
*returns to the brewery, slamming the door behind him*
18th Sandstone, 125, Mid-Autumn
Redlabored, Stone District
*wipes the sweat off his forehead* Glorious stone-cutting! Happy times. But WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE WORKING DOWN HERE, goddamit! I swear, if these beer-sucking' bastards are doin' nuthin' again, I'll go full Kommunism on their arses, piece of s-- *proceeds to cut stone blocks*
Meanwhile in Merc's Workshop
You seem busy lately, my friend. Even more so than usual.
This place is a nightmare, Helly. Grimwulf keeps producing those insane order lists every day, and Kalin doesn't give a shit about my needs and capabilities - he just screams at me from dusk 'till dawn.
Indeed. I saw a lot of new beds in the storage room. Your crafts can be recognized by merely taking a glance. Great job as always, my good carpenter.
Aye. Apparently, our miners are almost done with digging out Stone District. Grimwulf ordered to focus on barracks and guest dormitory next.
How very disappointing. And here I was hoping the beds were for the komrades.
They are for the komrades, Helly! If you didn't notice, there is not nearly enough space in the communal dormitory for all of us. The Kommissar "solved" this issue the same way he "solves" everything else. The "I don't give a flying fuck about the others" way. So now we shall sleep in the guest room. Curse them all! I need a goddamn vacation.
You don't say. Kalin tasked my husband and me with "annihuelating da forust." I've lost count how many trees I fell this month. Enough to fill both our stockpiles and then some.
But I'm not complaining. Woodcutting is my dream job.
*grumbles* At least one of us is having fun. How's Wayward Son holding up?
Ah, my little groundhog! You should see him working, Merc. It's a marvelous sight to behold.
He makes charcoal, right?
Correct. Wayward Son's beard is covered in ash all the time. Every time I pass by the furnace and see him burning those logs... Aaahhh, no words can describe this sensation.
You are a weird one, Helly. In a good way.
I am a simple dwarf with simple desires. Some of us just want to see the surface burn, A HAR HAR HAR HAR, haha aaaah.
20th Sandstone, 125, Mid-Autumn
Redlabored, Stone District
*examines the stone walls carefully* This will have to do for now.
Itz a cavern, ya dumbass. A motherfuggin' CAVERN!
Yer FOTRUSS is a glorified CAVE! Rodlubr my ass.
I would love to see proper walls and floor myself. Alas, it ain't happening. Do you know why?
NU!
I'll tell you. Because EVERYOOOONE AROUND ME IS INCOMPETENT AS YOUR FUCKING MOTHER, WHO FAILED AT SUCH A SIMPLE TASK AS PREVENTING YOUR GODDAMN BIRTH!!
WO?! It wus YOUR ASS who ordard to KUT STUN BLAKS! Why DA FUCK ar we nut yusin' dem?!
ROCK WALLS, MOTHERFUCKER - CAN YOU SEE THEM?! You want me to do what, HEADBUTT the walls until they fall? CRUSH THEM WITH MY MEMBER, maybe? We need MORE MINERS, Kalin! Redlabored was supposed to be ALREADY DUG OUT by now, but ohhh nooo, my godfucked MANAGER has his own "VIZUN" of how to do things. He assigns a random WORTHLESS SLACKER to do the mining job, and look at us now!
OI, dis not mah fault we got no PIKS!! Azira cun't trade for SHITE!!
He could have traded for more picks, no arguing with that. But he didn't. Because the bastard IS JUST AS INCOMPETENT AS YOU ARE! But even that wouldn't be a problem - we were SUPPOSED to have smithies set up long ago if only YOU WERE MANAGING THIS FUCKING PLACE PROPERLY!
FUCK you!
Fuck YOU!
Fuck ME!
*startled*
BITCH, doncha EVAR creep up on me like dat!
Hehehehehehe, I want a hug so bad. Come here, Fluffy. *hugs basalt boulder*
*whispers* It's you and me against the whole world. Oh, I know! Let's play HIDE AND SEEK! You hide! *turns around* One. Two. Three--
Fuckin' nutcase.
Four. Five. Six--
Git back to work, Kalin. *grabs basalt boulder Fluffy and hauls it to the masonry*
Seven. Eight. Nine. TEN! *jump-turns around* Where aaaare you, Fluffy?
Fuffy's ded, bitch. Fuffy's ded.
Meanwhile on the surface.
*yawns* Well, we gathered some berries. I call it a day! Let's go have a drink, see what Spigot prepared for today.
Really, Baud? Call it a day? We've been here for ten minutes, if not less.
Come on, bro. The berries aren't going anywhere. Take it easy, will you?
I'm already too easy on this place, Baud. Can't you see? The others look up to me. They see me as the new leader, no, as their Messiah.
Whaaaaa..?
I'm not going to the dining room. Can't stand all those gazes, so annoying. You can't possibly imagine how it is, living your whole life surrounded by sheep, craving your attention and guidance. *over-dramatic sigh*
Laggy, seriously - you need a drink, bro.
I prefer to drink date wine, at least 60 years old vintage. You can go drink Spigot's sewage if you want to. I want to be alone anyway.
Be alone? That doesn't sound fun. Don't you miss your parents? Your friends?
Pffft, "parents." Family is a stupid concept. I didn't choose my family, and I sure as hell don't need one. Friends? I stopped believing in friendship when I was 8. Unlike you simpletons, I actually learn from my mistakes.
Suit yourself, Laglo. See you later, bro!
Whatevs.
23rd Sandstone, 125, Mid-Autumn
The Outpost, Communal Dormitory
*enters the room* Hoh? Sorry if I woke you up, Mustawd.
It's fine, cousin. No self-respecting dwarf should sleep in this room anyway.
How's your son?
Shorast is good. Playing widh Sqeecoo right now. Dey get along nicely. Where is Reinhardt?
Dead, I hope.
Stop trash-talking your wife, Mustawd. You are better dan dat.
You don't know anything, cousin. My wife is cursed.
Nonsense.
It's true. When Reinhardt was still a newborn dwarf - less than a year old - a monster came to Paintedgleams. I assume you've heard of Iki?
Iki..? Hommmmm...
Iki Rhythmgrouped. The beast who rampaged Shipspear in 81.
Wait, do you mean Iki da werebeast?
Beast or werebeast - who knows? She wasn't seen for two decades or so, probably dead now. But back in the day? Death incarnate. Her assault in Shipspear was nothing compared to what she did to human settlements.
What does it have to do wid anydhing? We were talking about Reinhardt.
Iki's "rampage" in Paintedgleams was unlike any other. She wasn't there to kill or feed on the dwarves. She came for Reinhardt and nobody else.
Hoh? How did Reinhardt survive?
The beast decided to spare her. I don't know the details, but what else could it be?
Gods... Poor Reinhardt...
Poor Reinhardt? Cousin, if you feel pity for her, I don't know what to say. Dwarves of Paintedgleams demanded her execution. Everyone knew this child is cursed.
Madness.
No. They were right. But Reinhardt's parents were too damn soft and stubborn, they hesitated. Four years later, Paintedgleams was attacked again, this time by Omo. Nobody who stood on his path survived. That night every citizen of Paintedgleams was either hiding or dead. Except for one dwarven girl wandering the streets.
Reinhardt?
Reinhardt.
Do you see now, cousin? My harlot of a wife is cursed. Her family tricked me into this marriage just so they could get rid of her. If they didn't, good dwarves of Paintedgleams would lynch her long time ago. I wish they did.
What is wrong wid you, Mustawd? Reinhardt must be traumatized since childhood. And her parents did da only dhing dhey could to save her life. Dhey trusted her to you!
If you like Reinhardt so much, go on and marry her yourself. You have my blessing, cousin. But don't blame me when a monster comes to murder you and the rest of your children.
...
... I'm sorry.
*walks outside*
Wait. Cous-- Damn. This is all Reinhardt's fault.
Meanwhile in Redlabored, 7 levels below ground
Tindrli, the most hard-working komrade of Angèrith! How are you feeling today?
Fine. *doesn't stop mining*
As Redlabored's CMD, I came here to tell you: all dwarves require sleep. Including you, Tindrli.
*keeps mining*
*looks around* That is... impressive. You are digging so fast.
Tidrli is currently the only dwarf in KKK with a legendary skill level
Are you sure you're okay?
Yes. Please, leave. You will spoil my focus.
8th Timber, 125, Late Autumn
Redlabored, 7 levels below ground
WHY ARE YOU SO GODDAMN SLOW?!
*mines away last bits of stone in the trade depot area*
*pretends to be helping*
I swear, I should have STRANGLED YOU TO DEATH in your beds, then USED YOUR SPINES TO MAKE MORE PICKS! Also, WHY AM I DOING KALIN's JOB again? Where is this lazy ballswingin' assh--
Grimwulf, I was looking for you. We need to discuss the gates. I suggest placing a 2 by 3 drawgates made of basalt blocks, with a lever inside the armory. Here, look at the scheme:
This measure is the last resort option, in case we decide to seal ourselves from whatever is threatening Angèrith from outside. I know I've constructed wooden bridges already, but we cannot rely on--
Who are you again?
... I'll take it as a yes.
12th Timber, 125, Late Autumn
The Surface
*burning wood without any enthusiasm*
*approaches Wayward Son* Umm, hi.
Most welcoming words forward.
You, umm... You got a moment?
Flowing of event lines is not a subject one can simply acknowledge.
Right, right. What? Nevermind. I wanted to ask, umm, a question. If I may?
My shimmering resolution to tend exists with no hesitation.
I heard you've been married for about 15 years, correct? Well, me too. And, umm... Man, it's a little embarrassing. Don't take it as an insult, but, you know, Helly seems to be rather... Self-confident, I guess? Assertive? Y-you know what I mean, right? And, umm...
*waits patiently*
How do you avoid sex?
Become wind. Inglorious tornado, unquestioned in force of motion and precision of delivery.
Ok, cool. As in, you run away like the wind? Or do you mean "tornado" as in... your tongue?
Confirming shortage of additional stimulus.
I feel you, bro. Wish I had something to stimulate me. I just... can't keep this up, you know? She is raping me, bro. Not literally, I mean... Well, sometimes literally. It's too much, bro. Too much. Take last evening for instance - she finds my hiding place in the bushes over there, and approaches me with a wild carrot in one hand and a still-living lizard with his lower body torn-open in the other, making me play this gruesome game again while--
26th Timber, 125, Late Autumn
Winter is almost upon us.
It's been two days since I last saw Kalin screaming at another dwarf. If I didn't know better, I would say he is happy.
All things considered, he did a great job. Pretty sure he'll finally get his bonus after reporting current progress to Grimwulf.
The barracks and guest room additional dormitory for komrades will be fully functioning any day now.
We are well-stocked on basalt blocks, have a stupid amount of food and drinks, and even some charcoal for future smithing.
Sound success!
Except we are sleeping in the mud. Not enough beds for all of us.
And we also have to drink from barrels, because Kalin doesn't believe in goblets.
Oh yes, the whole outpost is infested by vermins. So there's that.
Nevermind about the bonus.
1st Moonstone, 125, Early Winter
The Outpost, Dining Room
GATHER AROUND, you bearded bastards!
*whispers to herself* I am your goddamn Kommiss--
I AM YOUR GODDAMN KOMMISSAR, and I have announcements to make!
Maybe you want to hear our reports?
Heh heh heh, gonna git mah BONAZ at last. BIG TIME, BOOOOOYA!!
You're both fired.
WHAT
I've had enough of you! Complete failures, declining my fortress like that. Fucking disgrace.
But Grimw--
NO BUTTS, AZIRA!! NO HOMO!!!
*starts sweating*
Feel free to apply for position again, though.
Oh. Thanks, I guess.
That's right, komrades! Today we hold elections! AND vote for other important decis-- nay, KEY CHOICES!
MAKE YOUR KEY CHOICE
Current Agenda: building priorities.
We dug out some space for setting up stone industry. Then we almost finished working on the barracks for our military and guest room for our komrades.
What now? You decide. Pick three facilities you consider to be the most essential from the list below:
1. Grand Hall, so we can drink merrily, dance, sing, socialize, and have some downtime. Because we are all working so hard, boo fucking hoo.
2. Metal Industry (smithies, smelters, and storages). Why have a military if we don't have weapons and armor? Nevermind that we don't have a single blacksmith either.
3. Kommunalka. Because we sleep in the fucking mud. And more migrants will come. And Kalin's socks smell putrid. Yes, we are all special flowers down here.
4. Food Industry (kitchens, storages, farms 2.0). Because we ran out of storage space for food and drinks a LONG time ago! And the outpost is infested by vermins!
5. General Goods Warehouse. Because we can store our shit there and finally move from the outpost to Redlabored.
6. Military Quarters. Because our military deserves the best. And we can sleep in the mud. It's fine, really. No, these are not my tears. I'm not crying.
7. Crypt. Because dwarves will start dying. SOON.
8. Hospital. Because CMD Azira threatens to kill my family and me if I don't vote for Hospital.
9. Textile & Bone Industries. Because our clothing starts to wear off. And we could make some stuff for... trading? Please don't beat me, Grimwulf.
10. Wood & Gem Industries. Because seriously. Trading. It's a thing. No, I am not a kapitalist. No, I don't have any books authored by Ayn Rand. W-where are you taking me? STAHP
11. Temples. Because Divine Intervention is the only thing that will make Redlabored work.
12. Surface Fort. Because fuck priorities. Looking gud is all that matters.
I know what you're thinking. "What about Kommissar's Quarters? Isn't that the most important building in KKK?" You are right, it is. And your Kommissar already made it priority № 1. So we're basically voting for what shall we build after Kommissar's Quarters are done.
Make sure you choose your priorities right. You are not only choosing 3 facilities, but you are also placing them from most to least important. Bonus points for adding your reasoning.
Each komrade casts his vote in the following fashion:
1. (top priority) Textile & Bone Industry. Kalin needs new socks. WE ALL NEED Kalin to have new socks!
2. (high priority) The Crypt. Spigot looks pretty old, and we don't need random corpses laying around Redlabored.
3. (low priority) Military Quarters. Gotta keep dem soldier dwarves happy. They might kill us if we don't.
Then your Kommissar calculates the results. 3 points for top priorities, 2 points for high priorities, 1 point for low priorities.
Just cast your votes and leave the rest to the Kommissar, damn you!
ELECTIONS
The rules are simple, komrades.
1. We shall hold elections every year in Winter.
2. Each komrade of Redlabored can vote if he or she is at least 12 years old. Yes, females can vote too.
3. The Kommissar only votes when there is a tie.
4. Those who failed to cast their votes in time are considered abstained. No more scribbled notes, Azira!
5. If a sudden death something unexpected happens to a Redlabored official before his term of office runs out, the Kommissar appoints a temporary replacements until next elections.
6. You are NOT allowed to vote for the Kommissar. He's too busy doing important things.
7. You are allowed to vote for yourself.
8. One dwarf can hold any number of positions unless this dwarf is Militia Commander.
9. If a dwarf is elected for Militia Commander and for other positions as well, he becomes Militia Commander and chooses dwarf/dwarves to replace him in other positions.
Azira bribed everyone into voting for him. Now he is the Manager, Broker, CMD, Bookkeeper, and Militia Commander.
He assumes direct control of commanding militia and makes a personal call, as in, by himself - who will be appointed for other positions. He can appoint Kalin to hold all of them. Or different dwarves for different positions - whatever suits him.
He can also leave it for the Kommissar to decide, but where is the fun in that?
Lastly, dwarves holding positions will receive special authority from now on. They will be able to affect Redlabored dramatically. I will post these special abilities as soon as we're done with elections.
CAST YOUR VOTES! Here is the form for you to fill (copy-paste it, dummy):
1. (top priority) Wood & Gem Industries
Those trees aren't going to cut themselves! We need more lacquered tables! More smooth, pleasurable chairs!
2. (high priority) Grand Hall
Well, we need somewhere to display our victory over mother nature. Why not make it there!
3. (low priority) General Goods Warehouse
Simple. We'll need someplace to stock the rest of our wood.
Militia Commander - Kalin (he deserves a promotion for all he has done to Redlabored - maybe even a bonus?)
Manager - Helly (I shall sacrifice my free time for the community. *Know* that all will have wooden cups to drink with me elected!)
Broker - Wayward Son (He would make a great broker with me helping him as a translator of course)
Bookkeeper - Sqeeco (this little guy sure likes writing!)
Chief Medical Dwarf - Azira (obviously a most experimented dwarf and quite cute too)
In case my dorf makes it into Redlabored before the election is closed. If not then just ignore
Current Agenda: building priorities.
1. Metal Industry. Do you like gems? I shit on them. Redlabored needs TRAINS, Redlabored needs METAL!
2. Food Industry. "Lie still, you, eyeless, earless, with a piece of pie in your hand"
3. Grand Hall. Let's put some socializing back into Socialism.
Elections:
Militia Commander - Spigot
Manager - Helly
Broker - Kalin. Imagine the pain of being the one responsible to transferring large sums of bonazes around, and getting paid shit for it.
Bookkeeper - Wayward Son
Chief Medical Dwarf - Azira
Building priorities:
1 Food industry because CHEESE!
2 Textile industry & bone industry because DYE!
3 Crypt because DIE!
Militia Commander - Me, established nose dominance on kalin and you see how my husband is terrified? Now imagine what I would do to our enemies. Also because I want to get to the bottom of what happened to fluffy and don't trust kalin with detective work of this magnitude.
Manager - Sukhavati always struck me as a people person and I feel sad she spends most of her time working alone away from the others, this will get her out of her shell.
Broker -Kalin. With his genteel manners and easy charm he seems a natural fit for this role.
Bookkeeper - Squeeco, I thought she already was the book keeper going by how often is scribbling things.
Chief Medical Dwarf - Azira. Boring choice I know but there's a difference between liking to sow a bit of mischief and putting your life in the hands of some phillistine.
Current Agenda: building priorities.
1. Food Industry - Temples, crypts, museums. Who needs these things? We will secure our existence through the sweat of our brow. The dead can bury the dead, and memories can gather dust without any external record. If we sleep on the mud, we sleep on the mud. We will live. But to live we must eat.
2. General Warehouse - We need to get everything underground, where it's safe and where it's dwarven. Rock above and rock below, this is how one should live.
3. Textile and Bone Industry - I'll not have my son running around naked! Hard work refines the soul and the body, but to refine the whole dwarf you need a craft that can take your shape, as the iron is shaped by the crucible. Inspiration flows into a dwarf and sets into something beautiful, if the crucible can withstand the heat. We can't let our hands or our spirits lay idle. Neither will my son Shorast grow up seeing only what's in front of him, a stunted dwarf only concerned with accumulating position, prestige, and fine goods - that would be a fate worse than death.
Elections:
Militia Commander - Kalin. Kalin's only talent is violence.
Manager - Mustawd. He's not suited for mining, and is a dependable and trustworthy guy. I can vouch for him. Yes, he's my cousin. What does that have to do with anything?
Broker - Spigot. His experience in getting people to pay their tab will translate nicely to haggling with traders.
Bookkeeper - Tindrli. He has autism. He's needed for mining, but surely he can spare his remaining free time counting things.
Chief Medical Dwarf - Friend. Somebody has to do it, and it shouldn't be Ol' Happy Sawbones the serial killer. Besides, Friend knows the secret to getting well is enduring. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Treatment is for the morally weak.
1. Metal Industry. I can help with black metal industry.
2. Food Industry.
3. Wood & Gem Industries.
Militia Commander - Azira. We need to keep him away from the hospital.
Manager - Lagole Gon. The most competent person around.
Broker - Lagole Gon. The most competent person around.
Bookkeeper - Kalin. We need to lock that poser in dark room with dusty books.
Chief Medical Dwarf - Friend. To keep Azira away from the hospital.
SHIT THAT NEEDS BUILDING
1. Wood & Gem Industries - it is imperative that we are able to CREATE, to work on our CRAFT, to LIFT OURSELVES ABOVE THE RUBBLE WE CREATE AND THE DETRITUS WE UNCOVER AND PROVE OURSELVES TO BE MORE.
also if Spigot doesn't get started soon he will die before achieving his life dream of creating great art
2. Food Industry - the rat situation is untenable, there must needs be change
3. General Goods Warehouse - fuck this outpost
ELECTIONS
Militia Commander - Helly
Manager - Soggy Vato
Broker - Spigot is the only dwarf capable of making a good trade. everyone else has some combination of brain damage, ignorance, naivety and megalomania.
Bookkeeper - sqeecoo
Chief Medical Dwarf - Wayward Son
